tani

Writing is such an underestimated art. || La revolución será feminista o no será. || lg[b]t

[whatasunflower]

i want her to control me SO BAD all i need is for her to tell me that im hers and that im never getting fucked by someone else but her

even if she doesnt even want me

like im seriously begging for her to just fuck me as rough as she possibly can

[whatasunflower]

god it turns me on SO MUCH when she tells me that i'm being rude or making inappropriate comments???? even those times she straight up insults me when i do so (jokingly but still she manages to always sound a bit agressive) literally why do sexy people (me) have to suffer so much

[whatasunflower]

wow i for the first time understand those rude boys bullying their way to the girl they like because they can't let out what they feeling any other way

except i do it because that seems to be the only way i get her attention (i dont actually bully her i just give her playfully rude comments back and forth and i PLAN to keep doing so until i stop liking her, or until she realises -i wont tell her- because thats just the way apparently)

[whatasunflower]

god i start liking someone and automatically become an i'd give you the sun kind of person i literally just want to see them laughing and telling me their fun stories and having the most delicious breakfast they've ever had and reading poetry in the middle of the night where our silence is the least unspoken ever because they already know how much i cherish them

[whatasunflower]

thinking about the people i love in my life and how they're really really kind and sincere-loving, but they just won't ever love me back the way i can love

[whatasunflower]

Thinking about all the things my fam has no idea i struggle about (a lot of which even my sisters struggle with) because in my very core i will never be able to be that vulnerable (as they have been to ask for help) to them, even with the ones whom i'm closer to. Thinking about someday i'll be able to make peace with that. With living with this stuff on the inside (also because no one but me can make something to heal it, in the end).

I think i'm okay with that. I know i can channel all of this through art (doesn't mean it's gonna be good art tho).

Of course it hurts a bit. But i've really come to accept that it's the way things go inside to me, and it's not something bad as long as i can do something with that, not involving any hurting to myself (also this doesn't mean i won't seek for professional help once again, cause i will).

I can only feel sorry for my past self, but i know it's not really gonna change anything.

Sometimes i just feel like it wouldn't go as i think it would if i talked about it, but i know it won't happen. Then again it's not necessarily a bad thing, it just still feels a bit bittersweet in the edges.

This is more about the level of trust i will never reach with them, that i wish i could have had access to when i was way younger. And about healing that first to feel safe on the path of healing everything else i've been already trying to heal ever since i can recall. Because though i feel okay with it, it still hits me hard sometimes, and i know i have to fully process that in order to say i'm really okay with it.

I think about how being almost an adult doesn't cut the strings of trauma holding me back as i probably thought it would when i was younger. But everyone has something like this, and i think it makes me feel better knowing that i'm not the only one struggling about this kind of things.

[whatasunflower]

how do you paint my face?

am i the sweet childish smile,

the never denying company?

how do you paint my face?

am i the stubborn one

who can't recieve judgement

but is too fast to cry?

how do you paint my face?

am i the always-trusting

holding your hand as you talk?

how do you like my face?

[whatasunflower]

everytime i think about something se could do, i know you already thought about doing it with every person alive but me

[whatasunflower]

Hiciste nuestro bosque azul

para que las ramas de los árboles fluyeran

con el agua de los lagos

llevándose nuestras palabras

Vendiste tu casa en la ciudad

y mudaste tus libros

traicionando a los sonidos de la ciudad

tan rápido como dejarías de recorrer mis pisos de madera

Pero incluso cuando me cazaste como a un venado

con pupilas dilatadas

y hundiste tu harpón en mis pies

para que no pudiese huir

todavía necesito que me digas si estás bien,

que me cuentes acerca de tus carreras en la mañana,

que me dejes trenzar tu cabello,

que me cuentes si tu sonrisa alguna vez flaquea

cuando al caminar hacia el parque inhabilitado

piensas en tu mano

tomando una flecha

y cambiando nuestra tierra para siempre

[whatasunflower]

It really had been a long, long time since something hurt me this bad as the moment we were just talking about us, and about something feeling not quite right -when she told me she had found a connection just like ours with someone else. And so that she liked it.

Because then it meant she liked it better than me. And I could bet, so much better than me. It meant that, somehow, all the time we spent together, all the things we did, the words we shared, the moments where we felt like it was the world against us, and it was, they simply didn't mean to her as much as they did to me. That after all, what was between us was not as beautiful, as bright, as promising and unique to her as it was to me. That now I have no idea if that was real at all for her, if it was just all in my head.

But over all, it meant that at the end, she didn't choose me. That I wasn't -I am not- really worth choosing. Because i can so clearly see, it wasn't even a difficult decision to do -to put me aside.

That fact i'm not sure that I can ever wear off.

[whatasunflower]

what kind of names do you call her?

are they the same ones you liked whispering to me

in the sweet darkroom

on some adoring tone sparkling through your eyes?

are they the same ones you used to write

in a rush when words could only flow between us

as the night did too?

are they the same ones?

[whatasunflower]

the fact that i try to let everyone who possibly wants to into my life because that means there are more possibilities that i'll have good and nice people around me who will possibly have as much love as i have and that then i could possibly be able to put it all into them while recieving some more too but then also i'll permanently have it to remind me that i'm not alone

[whatasunflower]

god why is it OLIMPICALLY more easy to talk to girls than to boys or is it just my trauma projecting onto my romantic life

[whatasunflower]

WHY is it that i can't relate to taylors songs i just want a regular having-relationships-and-then-beaking-up schedule is it too much to ask

[whatasunflower]

GUYS I asked rainbow if she thought of anything in particular while writing baz playing the violin and she😭😭😭 have you listened to anything from this composer?

[whatasunflower]

i just got in such a big fucking crisis i don't know WHO I AM i don't even know what's going on with me and there's something i need to figure cause i feel like there's something missing and there IS cause it feels so so bad i want it to stop i really need to think and i need to actually do something with this and i might need profesional help but i can't ask for it and i just want this void inside me to stop existing there's something wrong with me probably A LOT of things fuck i need help

[whatasunflower]

you know i literally almost forgot baz can make fire with his hands,,,,,,