So, this is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever written.
I’ve been struggling for the past year or so. Last year, my family found out I was queer, and I became homeless. Right now, I’m homeless again. I don’t want to bore anyone with the details, yet I also want people to understand what brings a person to this kind of desperation. I wasn’t raised to ask for help when I need it. I guess it’s why it’s taken this long.
Last summer I became homeless when they found out. The girl who catalyzed that - kinda egged it on, in hindsight - turned out to be a seriously ill abuser who assaulted me and messed with me until well into the fall semester of my junior year. I thankfully don’t have to deal with her anymore, but I finished that semester with zero completed credits. Same for spring semester.
I have…conditions. PTSD makes it hard to do normal things, and it became really…compounded after that abusive relationship. It destroyed my ties to my family as well as my trust in anybody. I used to be able to pass as normal with my PTSD; now, it’s a daily struggle.
I was also recently diagnosed with two uncommon, rare sleep disorders: DSPS and idiopathic hypersomnia. The way they work together is thus: I cannot fall asleep or wake up at acceptable times because my circadian rhythms don’t match daylight cycles, even when I undergo therapy to correct them. (I’m about ~14 ahead of my time zone, from what we can tell.) This in itself would be a challenge. However, I also have idiopathic hypersomnia. For those of you who’ve studied sleep, I almost never hit Stage 3 or REM sleep. During a sleep study, I spent 7% of the time in REM. (You’re supposed to spend 20-25% there — it’s the sleep that makes you feel rested.)
Basically, I can’t sleep, and when I DO sleep, it’s not at the right time, nor is it of significant quality. My doctor has no idea how to fix the quality of my sleep, so she keeps me awake during the day with a type of stimulant. It’s improved my quality of life, but it’s still very hit-or-miss, and the stimulants tax my body pretty badly.
Currently, I’m on a year’s break from university, and the last time I checked, I owe them ~$5,000. (I’m not sure why, actually.) I have appointments scheduled to get things sorted with them, but I have panic attacks and dissociative spells during financial aid meetings - quaint, right? - so it’s a slow process.
I’m homeless, but another Tumblr user and good friend of mine so graciously managed to set up a place for me to live until October. I’m there now, and I’m, for honestly the first time in my life, actually safe.
In October, however, I’ll be moving into an apartment I barely got. It’s good, but there’s some problems:
rent (October is covered, but it’s $550 - the cheapest I could get)
internet (I sadly have to pay for this)
cell phone (thankfully only $40/mo at the most now)
I don’t own a bed of any sort ($139 for a mattress, probably $100 for a used frame)
I don’t own flatware of any sort (but I can get a full set of stainless steel for less than $20!)
my interview clothes are comically ill-fitting
gas money (I amazingly have access to a car for a little while longer - it’s only $45ish to get a full tank these days)
finding a job that can accommodate a sleep disability
I’m applying to places near my apartment, and I worked hard on my resume and cover letters and remain hopeful, but I just.
If I could get some of my time freed up, I would also be able to find a new psychiatrist more quickly — my current one is kind of a poor match and there’s a shortage in my area right now for care.
I’m Romani. My grandmother was a refuge from the Holocaust. To see her work so hard to give my family good lives, then to grow up and become homeless myself —
I can’t tell you how deep that shame runs. How heartbreaking and soul-crushing. How affirming of all the slurs and stereotypes I grew up with.
I’m trying so hard. Any help would be appreciated. And, as it turns out, I can actually offer something in return.
Things I can do for you in exchange:
detailed palm reading, live or via email (I was raised in my family’s tradition.) $20
card reading, email preferred but live is cool too (various kinds; I wasn’t raised with ours but I can do tarot, some Lenormand, and some standard deck) $5-25
help with Japanese (I can forward you a condensed version of my university grades — I have two years of As and exemplary notes)
help with the ACT/SAT/SAT-IIs (scores: ACT 32, SAT-II Bio 710, SAT-II English 790)
I’ll try hard to pay people back. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to grow up to be worth something. I want to finish my degree. I just…need help.
If you could signal boost this, I would be so thankful. Donation link is here.
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