What I Done

While you go to work and fumble around in that greasy till to scratch out a modest living for yourself, I am off doing things. Important things! All kinds of . . . of things, man. (Found yourself misrepresented and want to letterhate me? Feel free. Know that I reserve the right to respond in kind, however, so make sure you're prepped for retaliation before you commit.)

[whatidone]

ADOPTED A RESCUE DOG

Given the choice of Scoliosis Cone-head, or The Oldest Dog In The World, I chose to come back next week when the new stock comes in. I’m hoping to pick up a three-legged chihuahua or something with mange.

[whatidone]

JOINED A REBEL MILITIA

I definitely didn’t get kidnapped you guyS. Don’t Even bother letting my family kNow or trying to save me because I Don’t need it. The Humidity is rEally agreeing with me and my new paLs are Pretty sweet dudes.

[whatidone]

HUNG OUT WITH NORTH BONDI BEACH COWS

They were all hungover, rolling around in the sand with their udders going everywhere, trying on each others’ sunglasses and bitching about the price of bahgs and the heifers from Bellevue Hill Public. I think the hot one was winking at me, but it could have been the coconut oil reacting with her Botox. I’ll Snapchat her later.

[whatidone]

WANTED: GYM PARTNER

YOU ARE: A young gymrat looking to make his mark at a suburban flesh factory.

DRESS CODE: nipple singlet.

TASKS: asking “How many sets have you got left?” to people who’ve just claimed the bench // having backne and not using a towel, ever // hitting on the hot girls coming out of spin class when their emotional defenses are down.

PAY: 30g of whey protein per kilo of body weight per hour + a $10 Dominos voucher if you hit KPIs.

[whatidone]

MADE IT INTO “THE BLOODS”.

The final initiation was learning how to throw gang signs. I passed the test but now I can’t uncripple my fingers. Guess I’ll have to learn how to shoot a gun with my face. Great.

[whatidone]

PLAYED “NIPPLE OR NECKLACE.”

I definitely know what a woman’s nipple looks like and also its approximate size and where it should be on the female body. Do you think this condom in my wallet is just for show? Because it’s not, I could use it whenever I want I'm just waiting for the right moment.

[whatidone]

BECAME A BOAT PERSON.

I boarded a refugee boat in Jakarta only they weren’t refugees they were Facebook execs on a sales junket plus a Dutch guy who thought he was auditioning for Survivor. He kept grabbing people’s belongings and yelling “Immunity!” which was funny the first few times but we were at sea for six weeks. A Senior Product Manager crushed his skull with an oar. I think she’s getting promoted. 

[whatidone]

SPOTTED A PEDO-TRAP.

Oh no, not this time. Maybe some kid lost their bear, and maybe they didn’t. I wonder if I could snatch it real quick without setting off the net, or the Taser, or whatever they’ve got set up in the bushes. Hope it’s not a glue gun. That stuff takes ages to chip off a trench coat.

[whatidone]

HOSTED AN EYES WIDE SHUT PARTY.

The roofies in the punch should kick in about the same time they figure out there aren’t any girls coming. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to change into my Boba Fett costume.

[whatidone]

VISITED THE WEIRD OLD MAN IN THE ANTIQUE SHOP.

Either he’s slightly cross-eyed or he can see something over my left shoulder that nobody else can see. I wonder if it’s the same thing that I can see over his left shoulder.

[whatidone]

WENT ON A FAMILY HOLIDAY, BOUGHT STRAW HATS. 

Also we deal blow now.

[whatidone]

COULDN’T AFFORD A HOUSE, BECAME A COMMUNIST.

Psych! That’s the Vietnam flag you racist. 

[whatidone]

NEEDED CLEARER INSTRUCTIONS.

Don’t take your cat’s what? Seriously fck. YOUR CAT’S WHAT?

[whatidone]

BOUGHT SOME BUBBLE GUM.

I couldn’t figure out where to put my 20 cents and the gum tasted kind of weird, but on the plus side I’m now in hospital with six days to live. 

[whatidone]

SAILED OFF TO CONQUER NEW LANDS, MISSED THE TIDE.

What a mess. I’ve got a thousand bored soldiers hitting on local wildlife, and the ship’s physician is blind drunk performing emergency Cesarians on any cabin boy that looks Eritrean, which is all of them. The priest could help, but he’s barricaded himself inside the nearest brothel and is refusing to come out unless we get the Pope to declare him commander-in-chief of the Second Crusades, which ended a decade ago and weren’t that successful anyway.

[whatidone]

MOVED TO THE COUNTRY, ADOPTED A GOAT.

I called him Dingleberry, after meeting the local children. It was either that or Cholera, but that was already taken.

[whatidone]

GOT ROBBED BY A GYPSY KID.

He popped out of a drain and held me up with a crossbow. He got my wallet and selfie stick but let me keep my shoes because I started sobbing like a milkmaid. Works every time.