What Light Is

the kids are all putting identifiers here so I guess I will too. I'm white, agender, queer, able bodied, bipolar ... I'm occasionally gonna write about things that might trigger trauma stuff, so check the tags for content and take care of yourself.

[whatlightis]

general astrology thoughts.

I am simultaneously skeptic and devoted in regards to my belief in the effect of the movements of our celestial neighbors in relation to our point of view from Earth, but I still let astrology affect my choices. I think it's healthy to connect to something bigger outside myself, something that I have literally 0 control over whatsoever, that prompts me to thinking in ways I might not otherwise choose to. It doesn't "control" my choices in the sense that I do not want to be accountable for my actions, and I will never blame my astrology for any of my behavior, but I take it all in- the way I take in a good TV show, or a silly personality quiz. It's just a different way to think, something that keeps my grey matter plasticity high. I know not everyone is into astrology, but I am, and I greatly enjoy some of the writing and advice of modern astrologers. Perhaps it's all bullshit, and that's ok. It's like religion, right? Even if it is completely made up stories, the stories are useful on their own merit. That being said, today is in fact an astrologically enormous day for me, as it marks the official end of my Saturn Return. Saturn has been in my natal sign of Scorpio (meaning it has made a full loop around the sun) and in fact was almost exactly where it was when I was born while I was naked and fasting on a beach in Mexico. It went retrograde for awhile and came back through Scorpio again this year, and I got a second taste of my return when I realized that I had been on the right path all along- that I have always known my calling in life is to be a healer by using my skills as an artist. Now that my return is over, I have learned what tools I need on the road, what habits I must break to achieve my goals, and how to fit my history into the present to bring up the future. I'm turning 30 next month- my birthday. All I want for my birthday is to be completely immersed in lifelong work that challenges people to become the most whole and present versions of themselves. This is my ask of the stars, the the planets, to the moon, the sun, the Earth and all its inhabitants: please let me be sustained by the work I love to do, please let my work be meaningful to others, please let the meaning of my work be healing and please let me be healed by my work.

[whatlightis]

Some posts from Sept 2015...

...That I still feel the same way about. 

Just had a realization: NOT making art will kill me, this much I know. I've always known it, it is a true fact. ALSO: because nobody values artists, making art will also kill me because I'll starve and go homeless. I'm afraid to make the leap to quitting my day jobs so I can devote myself entirely to my craft, but the longer I go on like this the more i realize I'm slowly killing myself. I'm not being dramatic right now I'm offering plain and simple facts: I'm slowly committing suicide by working and giving my energy to bullshit I don't give a fuck about. I mean of course I wish my co workers and day job well being and of course I think people should get quality customer service for products they pay for and of course I know that the admin side of non profits has to get done but SHIT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THOSE THINGS TO NOT KILL MYSELF. What will I do? Slowly die or quickly die? How do you want to go? Wanna draw it out and get resentful on the way down due to all the pain or blow up quickly and leave a gaping hole where you used to be? Do you want to change the world for the better or not? Do you? What's it going to be. You only have a few hours to decide.

All I want is to do what I love all day and also have stable/safe/clean housing, healthy food, comprehensive healthcare, ongoing education, and a retirement fund. Unfortunately I can't have these things because what I love to do is make art, and in order to be where the best art is I have to live in NYC, and NYC is so expensive for artists that few gigs for artists are paid, it's also so expensive in general that it means I have to either sacrifice what I love to do, or sacrifice my health and safety. Having been homeless and starving before VERY briefly (like just for a couple of weeks, and I had a safe place to stay although it wasn't mine) I don't look forward to it. But I think the time has come for me to face the fact that I can no longer hold onto this physical form without giving myself what I need. What my soul needs. I need to be a full time artist and I need to do it now.

[whatlightis]

Race Memes

When there's an uncited race meme going around that only my white friends are posting, even if it seems innocuous, I dismiss it.

[whatlightis]

Oreos are not self care.

Clearing out my inbox and eating oreos in bed. An act of both self-care and self-destruction simultaneously as I haven't even had a sip of water, but I've eaten about 6 oreos. Double Stuffed. My stomach is churning already and I have hiccups. Why have I already tried to spend money today when I haven't even gone outside my bedroom area? 

I know why, I'm depressed and lazy. I'm not willing to do the work to earn the life I desire. I want to just get in the way of it. 

What does it mean when I want to do all these powerful things and I also want to do all these horrible things? I don't understand. If I stand in the way of my desires by eating oreos for instance, what does it mean to stop eating oreos when oreos are what I desire also? Long range goals vs short term desires? Is that the only difference? What about living in the moment? What about the present? How do long range goals fit into that? 

I need to ponder these things. After my inbox is clean, after I've showered and drank some water, eaten something nourishing, after I've cleaned my apartment and watered my plants and dropped off my laundry, and I've done some yoga and meditated, and I've checked on my budget, and updated my spending and timesheets. I really can't have all these loose ends floating around. My mind is full of worry and shame.

Thinking about how all the work on myself that I've done in the past year or so has paid off in my responses to the current situations. I've not hidden from my emotions, I've been loving towards others and caring towards myself, I've been missing the mark and letting myself gently get back on track. I'm doing ok. I'm telling myself I'm doing ok to avoid the shame of the fact that I'm not ok, I'm failing in many ways. But really, I don't need to hear that - what I need is to hear that I'm going to be alright, I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm loveable, and I'm here to make a positive difference in people's lives. That's all there is to it.

That's not all there is to it. I hate when I do that. There's plenty more, I'm just done thinking about it cause I need to get back to work.

[whatlightis]

Roman¢e

I think the most romantic thing anyone could ever do for me would be to pay my bills. That's because my dad drilled in to my head as a kid that marriage and relationships are only for money. "You better marry a rich man" "it's as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor man" "our family has a curse, we will never prosper. You'll have to marry rich" were the things I was always told. I try to resist them as notions of romance, but I find that things that attract me about people are their access to resources, and their willingness to share their resources with my ambition. I have so much shame over this fact about myself, but I’m at the phase where at least I can accept that it's true, and I can work through it. I'm also not a gold digger, I actively recognize and resist the attraction to others’ resources as a symptom of the brainwashing I received in my childhood. The fact remains though taking advantage of a romantic interest’s money is something I have the potential to do, if I don’t guard myself. It all makes me just hate capitalism more for complicating my relationships even further. As if being queer wasn’t enough. 

[whatlightis]

Black Lives Matter Co-Founder to Beyonce: 'Welcome to the Movement'

"Formation" may not be perfect, but none of us are

I love a critique that is generous to the individual's intentions, that examines their actions' efficacy at achieving those intentions, and that redirects shaming posts towards systems that deserve the shaming, systems that are so often overlooked when folks want to go for the throats of easily-targeted individuals. Beyonce is not capitalism, she is not appropriation, she is not exclusion. She is a human being, a black woman doing her best, and her best is pretty effective in some ways, and not so great in others. Should we punish and dismiss her attempts because they're imperfect?

[whatlightis]

Down to 93 unread emails...

...and this is only the unread ones. There are 200 more that I've clicked on and done nothing with. For anyone who knows my email habits, you know that this is outrageous. This, overspending, binge eating foods that cause me discomfort, neglecting exercise, and taking too many days off than I can afford are the forms of acting out I've engaged in while trying to cope. I know everybody says "be gentle with yourself" and "take it slow" and all that but really, I need a kick in the ass. I need to not lose my apartment and ruin my credit. I need to show up to work on time. I need to put energy into my career. I need to not have constant stomach cramps from eating comfort food that isn’t at all comforting. I need to eat well, sleep well, meditate, exercise, play music, promote my business, and get back to reality. I need to clean and organize my apartment. I need to shower and drink water. I am not taking care of myself and I feel like shit.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for in terms of support but I am failing to care for myself and I don't know what to do. My therapist says just do 5 minutes of self care every day but it's not helping me keep my life from exploding. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm angry that all my friends are going through exactly what I'm going through and I just want to feel like everything's going to be ok but it's not. The insomnia is better than the nightmares. I'm so tired of this.

[whatlightis]

Sleepytime

I much prefer nightmares to insomnia, personally. The former ends when you wake up, the latter makes hell of the day.

[whatlightis]

Anger

It's real. It really comes up. But it rarely translates into useful actions. Strike that, it never does. It only destroys. But it’s in me. So what do I do with it? If I hide it it makes me sick. If I avoid it I'm not living fully. If I express it I'm destructive. What's a Tran to do.

[whatlightis]

My People

Queers struggling to keep it together, queers striving to find a way to be in a world that won't have us, queers taking space to be honest and raw, these are my people, and it hurts. It's blissfully deep pain that never eases. I would live this life again and again and again for the beauty it shows me in the struggle to be whole, but oh gods does it hurt.

[whatlightis]

To the Trans Femmes:

To the trans feminine people I am so lucky to be in this world with: I want to show you that violence, neglect, and despair are not nearly as abundant as love, care, and hope. I know you all have excessive evidence to the contrary, some of which is from me, and I can understand that all you experience is all you know. You maybe see the world as an unlivable place due to systems of oppression that intersect around your bodies. But before you turn to despair, please remember each other, and how remarkable your resilience is. When all the rest of us fools go around parading our ridiculous privilege on your and your sisters’ backs, you continue to find joy in each other. Stay alive, for each other if for no one else. I want to be part of the movement that sees you, uplifts you, and opens your experience to a nurturing community that cares for you, body and soul. I’m listening for how to do that. 

[whatlightis]

Eris Astrology

I’m looking at the Eris historical ephemeris, and comparing it with historical events. I’m making a prediction that, according to 2016's ephemeris, we will be fighting for our lives from April on. FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES TOGETHER. And we'll continue to fight until 2048. The fight will not be so desperate from 3/12/2022 until then, but for those of us who see ourselves in the future as old warriors, that is why. I intend to survive. I intend to come through this. I intend to be wise. I intend to bring light and love through even in the dark pit that is war and violence. I intend to survive. I intend to survive. I intend to survive. I intend to be happy. I intend to thrive and help others to safety.

[whatlightis]

Forgiveness Is For YOU

I hate when people say "I don't have to forgive!" Like, no they don't have to. But they’re only hurting yourself if they don't. And no shame from me if they don't, but I feel bad for them if they insist on staying traumatized by something that they’ve been given opportunities to work out. I'm not angry about it, I just hate to see it because I know it leads to suffering, and I hate seeing people suffer when I know there's an easier way, but I'm powerless to get people to follow it. 

Here’s where this being an anonymous tumblr works out great for me, I can tell you things about me. I was raped by my brother every day for a year when I was 10/11, and I forgave him. It does not mean I endorse his behavior, it does not mean I feel he shouldn’t be accountable. What forgiveness means is that I understand a bit of what he was going through, why he chose the path he did. With that understanding comes forgiveness- god I hope if I ever fuck up that big that someone will forgive me too. Everybody fucks up. Some people fuck up in enormous ways. And nobody deserves to be disposed of or demonized. We’re in a fucked up system that works to destroy us, and not everyone gets to come out of that clean. Why keep energy focused on individuals when there’s a whole system to dismantle?

Also, now, because of doing that work to understand why all that happened to me, I don't automatically explode every relationship in my life every chance I get, and I am able to face my triggers empowered with a toolbelt of coping mechanisms I’ve acquired from years of actually working through my trauma rather than wallowing in it. And because I’m able to forgive others, I’m able to forgive myself for the mistakes I frequently make. 

Also, disclaimer: I’m not like, any kind of expert on trauma, I only know what worked for me. 

[whatlightis]

Performative or Stoic =/= inauthentic

Some people externalize their feelings in performative ways. Some bottle them up. It doesn't make either a special snowflake who is the only one who *really* feels things. If you find you’re mad at either for their emotive style, you’re probably jealous of their ability to get love and support through that behavior.

[whatlightis]

Dear queer atheists,

When the queer community is grieving, let us all just peacefully do it in the only ways we know how. Please, if you can't support the variations of processing grief keep it to yourself and the community that shares your beliefs, not your public Facebook feed. Times of grief are a good time to pause your incessant publicly shaming posts directed at anyone who doesn't verbalize abstract concepts exactly the same way you do. I don't know why only atheists get a free pass at that behavior but it is not kind and it is deeply damaging.

I send love to the wounds religion has inflicted on you, peace to the ways spirituality triggers your trauma, and rage at the way it has taught you such unkindness.

[whatlightis]

Faith Helps Me Stay a Burden, Staying a Burden Helps Me Stay Alive

The other day in a public speaking/performance class, I was on some real shit and talking from my heart. Well, screaming really, cause one thing you might not know about me is that I'm kinda dramatic. Sometimes. Anyway. I was screaming, and here is one of the things I screamed, in all caps for effect:

STAY ALIVE, ALL OF YOU, AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE A BURDEN, KNOW THAT YOU ARE A THOUSAND TIMES THE BURDEN DEAD THAT YOU ARE ALIVE. STAY A BURDEN. STAY ALIVE.

What I'd like to add to this is that our ability to stay alive while "being a burden" is what helps the people around us grow stronger. Our ability to struggle, to suffer, to endure life's shit show, and to call on others (who will often fail us) is what makes the world go round. It's not the prettiest light to shine, but it's got a kind of faith, a kind of hope, that our lives aren't totally meaningless. Our pain is not worthless. Our pain teaches each person close to us what their weaknesses are, sniffs them out, calls them to the surface, and demands that each person face that weakness head on. Maybe they don't want to, maybe they're not ready and they run away or attack us when they see their failures reflected in us. That is how we learn who to trust. It doesn't mean we stop trusting everyone, or that we stop trusting the people who run away to do other things- we just stop trusting that person for that one thing they failed to do until they prove themselves worthy of regaining that trust. Faith in humanity doesn't need to be destroyed because everyone isn't doing 100% of what you need them to. Faith in humanity keeps going no matter what. You may break of little bits of trust here and there for self preservation, but trust and faith are not the same.

Trust is earned. Faith is not. It is not attached to anything so it can’t be earned. It is optimism at its purest form-- it’s not trust in something proven by evidence, not hope that a specific result will happen if we do certain things or wait specific amounts of time, but faith. Faith is the understanding that we don't know the order of everything, so good things might not happen when we expect or want them, but they do happen.

We don't have to understand the whole universe and have it mapped out mathematically to know that in every person's life, something good will happen to them, and they will recognize it and remember it as good. We are hard wired to have faith in chaos producing something good. We are willing to do a lot to try and cause the good things, but that's not faith, that's hope. Hope is useful as a motivator, but as a life-saver it's unreliable. Hope can run thin. Hope can run out. One can be completely hopeless. And that’s what faith is there for. When hope runs out, faith is needed for salvation. Faith is the feeling that there's nothing we can do to cause good things to happen. Faith is the surrender to whatever the universe has to offer, with the understanding that at some point, it'll come out in our favor.

Is this defeatist, this surrender? No, absolutely not. We keep trudging along doing things out of hope and trust because hope and trust are also beautiful things. Trust is born of love, and hope is born of passion. Both of these- love and passion- are enormously helpful things that everyone can develop. Love and passion are not in-born traits that people have varying levels of at birth. They are practices. 

I’m gonna end this post here, with a couple of little acrostics I made up for LOVE and PASSION. If you’re into this kinda stuff, write them on your bathroom mirror or something. 

Listen. Listen to what others' needs are. Offer. Offer what you have to give to others. Validate. Validate others' suffering and struggle. Empower. Empower others to help themselves and others.

Practice- no matter what. Achievements- help us set goals and grow confident. Skills- need to be numerous and sharp. Scars- the tough spots we grow from trying and failing. Investigation- curiosity moves us into new territory. Obstacles- overcoming them makes us stronger. Necessity- pushes us towards brilliance.