is it ever quiet, though?

the poetry journal of n.co

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

i wonder if this is what evaporating feels like

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

grass isn't greener on the other side it's greener where you water it.

i want to tend to our garden. i want to lay with you beautiful, blue, blue sky blanketing above growing green in our periphery reaching towards the sun. yet, i close my eyes and reach for you drawing your lips to mine. get your hands dirty with me, love o, just imagine, what we could blossom! i can't see a time where i won't want to kiss you, softly in a field full of flowers.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

fucking her is a reverent and holy experience i come to lay at the altar of her mouth i slip my fingers through her hair, clutched in my hands like a rosary my hips push up, up the very spirit of her moving me wanting to be so full of her reaching for joy, reaching for heaven finding it on her tongue i'm so wet it feels as if she has fucking baptized me. i feel saved by her. my voice wraps around her name like a prayer i am a devout follower of her light.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

11:12

i keep just missing the time yet i can't seem to mind you're everything i've been wishing for.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

i am still left gasping, my breath taken from me every time we sink, deeper and deeper into this. did you know we have explored less than five percent of the ocean?* it's fucking boundless. that's a lot of what falling in love with her is like. it's huge and scary and there is so much to explore and i'm diving in. after all, i have always felt at peace the more i waded into the sea waves lapping at my hips further and further until i am submerged the ocean is a home for me which must be why she feels so familiar my love for her feels... fucking boundless.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

1/31

two weeks before was our first date. blushing in some cheap, chain restaurant. spilling secrets to you that I haven't told some of my closest friends. us only skirting around something that even then carried the weight of inevitable.

one week after was the official girlfriend conversation me asking in awkward, stilted ways and you smiling, so lovely, anyway. it only makes sense that two days after that I had to tell you I love you. because I didn't want to keep the truth from you anymore. but, I digress, because every day with you is so memorable.

this day. that day was the day the axis of my entire world shifted a new orbit aligned the exact moment we kissed. a force no less valid than gravity; a charge just as real as magnetism drawing my lips & my hips to yours. my heart awakening to something it had been yearning for, for so long: magic

when we finally part, breath heavy i blink and recognize that we didn't even make it out of the restaurant's parking lot. i realize, i feel that moment when you know everything is about to change. i lock eyes with you and we lean in for another kiss.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

she makes me want to write poetry again

i am water she is Fire every time she touches me i feel closer to a boiling point i feared evaporating but now, she smiles and all i want is to bask in her warmth bright as the sun's rays kissing the ocean's waves.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

sometimes i think about that late morning in a sleepy diner brunch, with a friend but your hand was so high up my thigh it was almost embarassing it was like you didn't even notice you just wanted to touch me. you didn't love me but i still think about those moments where maybe you did.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

the teethmarks on my tongue might as well spell out your name from how often i have to bite back the urge to ask you to stay but the words die on my chapped lips (because i used to steal your cherry lip balm) at least that is still something i can control my hands reach out to touch you without my permission operating on what they think is instinct my fingers are in your hair before i can remind them they are not supposed to be there they reach for another cigarette no matter how much it is snowing out i want to pry off this hold you have on me i can't get a fucking grip and i still can't believe it's only been a year this year was all fucking you i hope next year is someone new.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

friendly fire

never before have i held a woman in my arms and thought, "i'm going to have to break her heart." i'm sorry i didn't take the shrapnel out of my palms before laying my hands on your soft skin i did not know my heartbreak could burn you too i did not know it could consume you too

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

if your heart was shattered in your hands please know it’s okay to still be picking the shards out of your palms i know it hurts especially when you reach for something new sigh, as much as you need to. cry, as much as you want to. then whisper sweet nothings to your fingertips kiss them, and remind yourself you will heal.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

the first time you see her again you spend the night waiting for touches that were not coming reminding yourself that she doesn't touch the small of your back when she passes now and you are not to grab her hand when yours bumps her. when she does touch you, it will be jarring it is a wicked sense of deja vu; a memory you can't fully recall it is like getting lost in your hometown because all the landmarks have changed you sit in the intersection bathed in red light and you take a moment to miss it you're allowed that but eventually, lights turn green and you must go. history can't be rewritten and that's a good thing but the future can be, and that's a better thing.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

why the fuck do you get to grieve something that you do not even want?

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

i cannot be her worrier if she is not my warrior if she does not feel the need to fight for me deep and ingrained in her veins then i cannot ask her to bleed for me there is nothing left for me to do then to scale her back from the top of my thoughts my heart may still call for her but if i keep gently asking it to hush, hush it will eventually listen, and learn a new song

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

your love was like lukewarm coffee getting the job done but leaving nothing but a bitter taste in my mouth.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

when she breaks your heart

you're going to cry. a lot. like, more than you thought possible in a 24 hour period. then you'll cry at your awkward conversation with the delivery guy from when you ordered pizza twice in the same weekend. stop being upset about that, we get free passes with broken hearts. you're gonna feel better in two days, but don't reach out. you're not ready. don't beat yourself up when you do. i know you miss her. so go ahead, miss her. you can miss what you thought was going to happen and miss what will never happen again. don't delude yourself into thinking it will. i mean that one. leave the box in the corner. nothing smells like her anyway. mourn that you will never wear that dress that looks stunning on you again because you were in it for your last couple picture. the one she didn't want to take. at the wedding, where you were afraid to ask her to dance so you didn't. in the future, you don't have to have a partner that dances but you shouldn't be afraid to ask for anything. you can remember the times where you were pretty sure she loved you like when you told her you loved her underneath a blanket of stars and that hand squeeze back sure felt like love at the time but please, don't look at the pictures. the look in her eyes, it's it's too much or too little and you don't deserve it either way. remember, remember, when you offered your heart for the last time and she finally took it and remember, remember, she said she would try she meant that. and she did that. i know you want to be mad, but you're just too sad. i hate to tell you, but there is nothing to do with these feelings but feel them hold on, baby, hold on remember, you were happy. you did this, because she made you happy and you made her happy. but neither of you should continue if the happiness stops and it did. i know you want to stop crying. you will. maybe not for as long as you like, but you will. remember to be as realistic as you think you need to be about love but know that you should be with someone who wants to be with you more than sometimes you wanted her all the time, someone will want you all the time. you love so, so big and encompassing and great. you deserve a great love, too. buy yourself flowers remind yourself something beautiful doesn't have to last forever and throw them out when they die. don't look back.

[whenitsquietwhenitsdark]

my body learned to bend and bow to yours and now that i don't have the anchor of your touch all i can do is stare at the ceiling and think about how everything seems so flat