Drugged & raped after rejecting a boy
When I was in high school, there was a boy a year older than me that I would sometimes see around the neighborhood (we lived down the street from one another), at school, and at parties. When he was a senior & I was a junior, I accepted a few rides home from school with him, probably a dozen times or so. We kissed on 3 occasions at the end of the rides home, and again on 2 different occasions at parties. We texted back and forth briefly. Nothing further.
It was very clear that there would never be anything past that. He tried to get in my pants on a few occasions, but I very clearly told him no. He had an on/off relationship with another girl in my grade, and although she and I weren’t exactly friends, I still respected her and wasn’t interested in things going further with him regardless.
He graduated, and I still saw him around with no issue. My senior year, I became friends with the girl he was on and off with. We spoke at length one evening during a “girls night sleepover” about how sorry I was if I ever intruded on their relationship and things were ok between us. She told me he did some really shitty things to her. I felt so bad.
Everything was fine. Until the summer following my graduation from high school. I went to a party hosted by a friend of his that a few of my friends would be at. When I arrived at the party with one of my girl friends, we took a few shots (3) from the bottle we brought and sat around talking to people. The boy approached me and offered me a beer. I accepted and took a few sips from the beer (I hate beer, and will ‘nurse’ one until I can discard it without seeming rude), and didn’t think anything about it already being opened when he handed it to me.
A friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in some time asked me if I wanted to go out on the porch while he smoked a cigarette and catch up. At that point, I had been at the party for maybe 20 minutes max. The last thing I remember is sitting down on the porch with my friend.
The next thing I remember is a very fuzzy, vague memory of being in a closed bedroom, with the boy on top of me. I mostly remember the feeling of pressure. He was inside me. It’s a brief memory.
My first real, clear memory is the worst one. I wake up, on a couch at the person’s house, it’s morning. Someone is on top of me, having sex with my sleeping body. It makes me sick to my stomach thinking of it - it was a different guy, a total scumbag, someone who I would have gagged at the thought of even touching me before this ever happened. At this point I was coherent enough to say “what the fuck do you think you’re doing” and shove him off of me, and hit him in the face. I remember his wide eyes, shocked that I had woken up.
Prior to arriving at the party, I had made arrangements to sleep over a close guy friend’s house (we had been friends for many years, our families are very close) because he lived nearby the host’s home and we had a sports meet early the next morning. I stumbled around looking for my phone, and saw all the missed calls and texts from family and friends. I was 2 hours late for the sports meet.
I stumbled down a main street in random bits of clothing I found in the house, vomiting as I wandered around waiting for my mom to come get me. The sports meet was a bit of a blur, too. Lots of vomiting, loss of consciousness.
Later in the day I started asking questions. Apparently after I went to the porch, I seemed extremely drunk. My friends thought it was strange, since they know me well enough to know that 3 shots would never do me in like that. My girl friend brought me up to a bedroom and tucked me into the host’s sister’s bed, as I couldn’t make it out of the house. I passed out right away. She stayed with me for a while and other people checked on me.
Eventually she had to leave, as did my friend whose place I was to stay at, but I refused to leave when I was roused enough to speak to anyone. They said I just kept demanding “let me sleep, I need to sleep”. I weaseled information from a guy who stayed at the house pretty late, who confirmed that the boy had later gone in to “check on me” a few times, and on one occasion he stayed in the room for a while.
When I got home from the sports meet, I was angry. I knew what happened. I called the boy and demanded he come to my house immediately. He refused, saying he didn’t feel like walking. I told him to get in his fucking car and and drive down the block then. He did. He pulled up out front of my house.
I walked outside and he rolled down the window, chuckling. I’ll never forget his smug fucking look. I asked him if he had sex with me. He laughed and said yes. I told him to get the fuck away from my house and he drove off.
A few months later, at a party, I saw the girl he dated on and off. We talked for a while and I confided in her what had happened. At the time, very few people knew (still to this day, very few people know). She confided in me that he had done the same to her before - given her a beer that was drugged and raped her when they were “off”. We cried. She said she’d heard he’d done it to other girls.
I felt dirty and still do. This was in 2013. I still wonder who else had taken advantage of me. Was there anyone else that raped me that night? Just the two I know of? I’ll never know. I still feel shame. Contacting the police never even crossed my mind. I’m from a small, conservative town. He was a celebrated athlete, and alcohol was involved, albeit in a small amount in my case. Looking back, I still believe I would have ostracized myself and caused myself even more trauma by reporting it.
This event has haunted me. My life began to go downhill slowly but surely afterwards. Intimacy issues, severe drug addiction, behavioral outbursts. I still feel an ever-growing intense anger. I would do anything to watch him get his ass beat to a pulp.
I confronted him once, a year or two later, at a party, after I saw him and said something rude to him and he made a snide remark about me having a “roast beef pussy” (nice try, not true, but better luck next time!). I don’t even remember what I said, I went into a blind rage - this was at the height of my behavioral anger issues and was close to my descent into even more serious substance abuse issues.
I said no, and since I wouldn’t give myself up to him, he took me. Used me like a blow-up doll. As a result of his actions that night, I was raped twice, and I don’t doubt that they were the only two.
Thanks, boy. I hate you and I hate myself.
