When You're Ready

A community for survivors of sexual violence, and a safe place for survivors to share their stories.

[whenyourereadydotorg]

"Innocent until proven guilty" is a term often used to protect the accused. When people say "I won't make a decision until I have all of the evidence”, what evidence are they looking for? Not taking a side is taking a side, and that side is with the perpetrator. What would make people believe the victim…

[whenyourereadydotorg]

Submission Guidelines/What To Expect

What to expect when you share

Sharing your story takes courage, but know that you are doing something amazing. You’re making it safe for others to come forward and bringing the problem of sexual violence to light by keeping this very important conversation going.

I cannot offer you professional advice on how to handle the very big step you’re about to take (or just took). But I want to share with you, based on my own experiences, some tips for what to expect after you share your story:

Support, lots of love and support. People will reach out and commend you for your courage, and thank you for what you’re doing. For the first few days I could hardly keep up with emails.

Other survivors will share their stories with you. In my case, It was a huge number. It was a lot to handle and I found it helpful to discus it with a therapist. It warmed my heart to know I was reaching people, but I was sad for them and getting a flood of responses within days was a lot for me to deal with personally. I suggest setting aside some time to process.

People close to you may recognize details of the story and piece it together. The WYR Project will never post identifiable information about anyone other than the person submitting the story (i.e. no ‘naming names’). Even without details, however, some people will know. Here are some things I and others who have shared their stories have experienced that you should prepare for:

People might ask you questions like “why didn’t you report it?” or “who was it?” Just be ready, and think in advance about what you’re comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to decline to answer.

People might have negative or critical reactions. This has not been the case for me, but unfortunately we live in a world where that’s not uncommon. It’s my vision that we can change that, and I hope with all my heart that this doesn’t happen to you.

You may change your mind. If that happens, please email me right away and I’ll take your story down – no questions asked. Know that I can only control this site. If it was picked up by a third party there’s nothing I can do.

Your rapist might recognize himself in the story and reach out to you. It’s best to think about that possibility and prepare yourself. None of my rapists have reached out (yet) but someone close to one of them did. I wasn’t prepared for that and it caused a great deal of anxiety.

If there were other people involved (e.g. friends who were there when it happened) they might apologize or feel guilty. I felt bad that they felt bad. My advice to you is to try not to take it on yourself – let them know that you don’t blame them. There is nothing they could have done, it’s the rapist’s fault and no one else’s.

Writing it down, reading it online, and talking about your experience with sexual violence might stir up emotions you have buried so deeply you don’t even realize are there. In my case, my first rape was almost 15 years ago and I thought I had moved on completely. Again – seeing a therapist is helpful.

The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a number of resources to help you help as you take this next step in your healing journey.

Please remember, you’re not alone. We’re all here for you, we believe you and we stand beside you all the way.

To hear from other WYR community members on their experiences after sharing their stories, view posts tagged “After Sharing my Story”. We also invite you to follow up after and tell us how it went, we’ll keep updating this lists to help others prepare.

[whenyourereadydotorg]

The When You’re Ready Project

This is our first post here on Tumblr, however we have been around for a few months now.  The When You’re Ready Project (“WYR”) was started in 2014, following highly publicized rape and sexual assault allegations that dominated headlines – Bill Cosby, Jian Ghomeshi, the Phi Kappa Psi fraternity at University of Virginia, and the others that are probably going to press as I write. It was inspired by the women who came forward and bravely told their stories. It was started by a woman who has been raped 3 times in her 30 years – at ages 16, 19 and 21 – but who has never told anyone her stories, until now.

Why now?

Right now the world is engaged in a highly sensationalized debate  on whether ‘rape culture’ is or is not ‘a thing’…but I don’t care. I know it is. With or without a headline-friendly buzz word, I know first hand that violence against women is a global pandemic with no signs of slowing until we acknowledge it. And by ‘we’ I mean women: victims, survivors, mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and friends. History has shown that when women stand together we can transform the norms and values of a society.

I am inspired by the women who stepped up in response to the backlash, who shared their own stories and stood in solidarity with the victims whose voices that were being silenced. I am outraged by the people, especially the women, who contribute to the victim blaming.

I’ve been silent, but I’ve decided I’m ready to speak. I’m doing this now because I can’t not do it now.

Why this?

Media coverage of rape and violence is often a trigger for me, I imagine it is for many women. I read the coverage of the Jian Ghomeshi allegations and it was indeed a trigger. It triggered sadness, anger, and empathy. But then, Lucy DeCoutere shared her story with the world and that was an even more powerful trigger. It triggered elation, relief, and for the first time in a very long time – tears. Lucy said,

“…I wanted to get to a point where I’d be able to help folks…in a way my wish is coming true in the sense that I’m offering…a place for people where they feel a little safer. I mean, if there’s one thing that someone could do very safely today that they didn’t feel they could do safely three days ago is to say that they had a negative experience with Jian Ghomeshi, or someone else. And maybe they will feel like their voice will be heard.”

Lucy DeCoutere is a famous actress. Politicians Cheri DiNovo and Sheila Copps shared their stories soon after. These women have inspired me, I feel supported by them even though I’ve never met them. I want to do that for others. I’m not famous or influential, but I have a voice and I want it to be heard. I want to give other women a place for their voices to be heard. I want to tell them that when they’re ready, I’m here. We all are. We are hoping to build up our Tumblr account very quickly, but in the mean time, you can visit our website at www.whenyoureready.org.

We are taking submissions on here and the website, more on that coming soon!