I've been in treatment since March 11th. It has only been 8 weeks, but it feels like a lifetime. My hair started falling out and getting patchy within a week. Honestly, I looked like I had mange! So, after work I made the decision to just be done with it. My daughter put on Lady Gaga, my boyfriend grabbed the clippers, and we made it a small party. Not something to be mourned, but something that is a part of the journey. My little family and my bald head were going to conquer this! We are all still fighting. My treatment was suspended yesterday due to a nasty side effect that made everyone a little more nervous than the hundred other scary little gems that would pop up every few days. Vaginal bleeding. I had a radical hysterectomy 19 years ago, oddly enough from another cancer, when I was 21, so vaginal bleeding was the farthest thing from a normal side effect. I have no reproductive organs, not even a cervix. Hell! Not even my original vag was clipped and shortened to make sure there were clean margins. So, this meant it was coming from the walls. I didn't realize this shit could effect everything so much that even my poor lady bits were effected (again!!), too. We are still fighting. A little over a month ago, I lost my appetite. Most people will say that about a meal or when the have the flu for a day or so. Mine was gone for 11 days. That fucks with you. Food is a basic human need. I should say, it's a basic human want. Everything takes in nutrition of some sort and all crave it. To have that want shut off straight up sucks. As soon as it came back, I couldn't get enough food in me. All of it. Line it up, I'll work my way thru. It just occurred to me...why didn't I go to a buffet?? I gained 8 of the 13 lbs I had lost, and I was proud of those 8 lbs!! My jaw didn't look as sharp, my hips looked a bit fuller, I even had a bit of a tummy. I was starting to look hot again. Until this past Sunday. For the last week or so, I have been eating non stop. Saturday, for an appetizer, I had a giant bowl of mint chip ice cream, then beef stew with a large piece off a fresh baguette. My boyfriend would have been stuffed and he's a big man. Nah, not I. I rounded out that dinner with a second dinner of the rest of the casserole dish of enchiladas from the night before, with kettle chips instead of a fork. Then proceeded to finish the bag of said kettle chips. The couch looked like a Tupperware battle field. Carcasses of empty plastic containers were strewn about, along with various lids, an empty chip bag, and a lot of napkins. Sunday was awesome! Even though we both had a cold, day o'sex was still damn good. We only took a break when we realized we needed to eat. We ordered loaded fries with every conceivable topping and meat product out there. It was delivered and I couldn't get to it fast enough. Brought it back to the bedroom, took 3 bites...and I got unreasonably full. I panicked because I knew what was happening. I took a break from it. I sat on the couch. I took pictures of it to make it appealing. Didn't work. I knew it wouldn't but I had to try. I'm on day 2 of no appetite and already doing the Ensure Shuffle. We are still fighting. I go back to the oncologist in just a few hours to find out what twist and turn this will take me on now. I was on a milder chemo before this one, but it caused incredible bone pain. When I saw the dr that time, he suspended treatment and put me on something "more aggressive" with the bonus that I could be in remission within a year, then be able to proceed with the mastectomy. I was all for it. I mean, damn, getting this over and done with by my daughters next birthday was a big selling point! Now, I'm actually hoping for the very painful, yet milder one. It may take twice as long to reach remission but at least I wouldn't always feel this sick. Or it could go in a completely new direction. A worse direction. I'm not ready to even think about that. But I'll find out today. We are still fighting. My daughter is amazing. She's 20, has a new boyfriend (A Flanders. You know Simpsons trivia nights are hilarious!), has her registration date for college, tries to have a social life, and is my caregiver. I have called some support groups looking for one that has younger members. I was told that caregiver support groups are not static. The members feel selfish for wanting time away from their sick loved one, so they stop going, and the guy I spoke to was pretty sure there weren't going to be a lot of 20 somethings in the batch. She got in contact with an organization called 4th Angel thru the American Cancer Society. They gather information from you and try to pair you with someone in a similar circumstance as you. A kind of big sister or mentor program. I really hope it works out. Even with everyone she has around her, she doesn't have anyone that knows what she's going thru. No one to talk with or to be told that it'll get better. No one to guide her on how to have a life and still take care of a sick parent. No one to help with the guilt that comes along with wanting to make sure her mom is safe, but also wanting to be a 20 year old. She has gone thru so many changes in the last year and she is still growing, but this is a lot for someone just out of their teens to handle. I want the best for her. I want her to get living, to move out on her own, to finish college, to get married, have children. Everything she wants in life, I want it for her...most of all I want to be there to see it all happen... We are still fighting. My Chris. I love my Chris. He's going thru a lot too, but in a much different role. He doesn't say much, but his actions speak volumes!! He spoils me pink. Thru every dietary change, he has adjusted and cooked (and eaten) accordingly. For holidays, he goes out of control to make everything perfect. Every day is made perfect just from being around him. I never want to lose that. For the last 10 years, he saw his parents do the cancer dance off and on. He saw what it took to get thru it. But seeing it and going thru it are very different. His moms funeral was on his birthday last year. She fought valiantly, but, well...cancer does that. I look different. This body is not the body he first lusted after. That body was fuller, shapelier, softer, firmer. This one is sick. Bald. Angular. Saggy. Diseased. There is a mourning period to this, and that's okay. If you say it doesn't effect you, you're lying. He still grabs my ass. He still makes me feel sexy. He still makes me feel whole. It's more than that. It's deeper. More loving. Closer. We have always had an active sex life. I think we actually started having more sex after my diagnosis. We learned a very quick lesson that life is very short and can taken away quickly. We are buying from adult sites and going to porn shops. We have gotten sexually adventurous and are enjoying just exploring new things with each other. One day we will take that tour of the U.S. and visit every location based on how good the food is. I will always love my Chris. I won't stop fighting.
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
gummygunk
izzy806
