Please Hurry Leave Me I Can't Breathe | sfw | tordedd | oneshot
" Tord's abandonment issues are acting up again. "
helloo im going to post these on tumblr now you can read it here or below the cut
Tord perched on the edge of Edd’s bed, biting his nails down to distract himself from the dread that consumed him. It had been twelve minutes since his mouth had betrayed him again. Wonky. What kind of word was that? What kind of person said that about a drawing their boyfriend had poured hours into?
Tord, apparently.
Edd hunched over his drawing tablet. Maybe he was protecting his work from further ridicule. Tord stared at the familiar constellation of beauty marks on the back of Edd's neck. Edd was full of pretty, delightful things such as those that Tord felt would be better off without him.
His brain repeated the same phrases over and over, like a broken record: He's going to leave you. He’s realized how shitty you are. He’s realized you’re worthless. The thought seemed to feel more truthful each time his mind reiterated it.
"Edd?" His voice came out weak.
“Hm?” Again, Edd didn’t turn around. He just gave that little hum. Tord knew that hum. It was the one that meant he was angry, but just trying to be polite. Tord paid close attention to those little tells that could indicate someone was about to leave. He hated that he had to analyze everything like that.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No,” Edd said. His voice was more distant than angry, but distance could be anger in disguise, right? Tord couldn’t shake the feeling that Edd was about to cut him off. He left his spot on the bed and paced the familiar route; bed to window, window to bed, again and again.
"You are. You're mad."
"I'm not mad."
Polite lies, Tord decided. "You are. I can tell. I shouldn't have said that, it was stupid, I didn't mean anything by it-"
"Tord."
"I know you care about your drawings, I know that, and I was just trying to be funny, but I'm not funny-”
"Stop."
Tord felt like he was floating above his body, like he always did when he was stressed. He despised that feeling. But Edd’s firm voice briefly brought him back down to Earth. Edd turned around. He just looked concerned, which was worse than angry, because it meant he saw what a mess Tord was.
“I’m not mad,” he said again. “I was just focused.”
"You're going to break up with me,” Tord blurted.
Edd furrowed his brow. "What? No, I-"
"So I'm breaking up with you first."
The relief was immediate, even though he didn't want this. God, he didn't want this. But at least this way, he could pretend it was his choice. At least this way, he could walk away with some vague sense of dignity.
"Tord, what?"
"I can't just keep waiting for you to realize that I fucking suck!"
"Tord-"
"No! It's better this way. It's, uh, cleaner. You don't have to feel bad about it, and neither do I-"
"I do feel bad about it,” Edd interrupted with a hint of indignance. “And I've got a feeling you do too."
Tord shook his head. "It doesn't matter anymore. Everyone leaves me, you will too, and I need to... protect myself.” He sat back down on Edd’s bed with a sigh.
"I'm not going to leave you. Would you please stop talking like that?"
"You think that now," Tord said, and his voice was barely being held together, "but what about when I mess up again? When I get jealous, when I take something out on you?"
"I won't leave."
"You should. You fucking should. Everyone else does."
The words hurt to say, but they were true, weren't they? His distant parents, friends who'd grown tired of his intensity, partners who had been overwhelmed by his clinginess. The pattern of abandonment felt like the only consistency in his life.
"Do you want me to leave you?" Edd asked. Tord couldn’t determine whether there was anger in his voice.
"No,” Tord said.
"Then stop trying to make me,” Edd said bitterly.
As if he had that much power. As if his self-destruction was a choice instead of a reflex. Still, it occurred to him that maybe Edd was being honest. Why would he be so vehement if he was lying? Well, maybe some elaborate plot was forcing him to?
No. Edd wouldn’t do that to him.
Tord loved Edd, and he trusted him, or at least he tried to. Maybe he should take his word for it.
"I'm sorry,” he said after a moment. “I'm just scared. I'm so fucking scared you'll realize I’m bad."
Edd sat next to Tord, gently placing his hand over Tord’s. “Even if you were bad, I wouldn’t leave you. I’m never leaving you.”
"Why?" Tord asked in genuine confusion.
Edd shrugged. "I guess because I love you."
People said those words to him sometimes, but it always came with the insinuated understanding that it was conditional and fickle. The way Edd said it, though, felt wholehearted. It comforted him slightly.
"But are you sure I'm worth it?"
"You are worth it,” Edd said. “You're worth staying for. I know you don't believe it yourself. I don't care."
Tord collapsed into sobs and fell into Edd. He caught him, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly as he bawled.
"I'm sss-sorry," Tord choked out. "I'm r-really sorry. I didn't mean- I was just so scared and I thought-"
"I know," Edd said softly. "I don't really get it, but I know you were scared. And I probably should’ve noticed sooner."
"I- It's not your fault. It's not. This is just... that’s how my brain works sometimes. Sorry."
"I know. I know, it’s okay."
They stayed wrapped around each other until Tord's breathing evened out. Tord was initially rigid, anxious and vigilant. He slowly melted into Edd as he ran his fingers through Tord’s hair, occasionally peppering soft kisses on his forehead.
"You're not going to leave?” Tord asked again.
"No,” Edd replied. “I'm not."
"You're sure?”
“Yeah.”