Thank you to everyone who reads/comments/follows it means the world to me.
Asks are always open! Fic related and non-fic questions. If you ever need to talk or are just bored I don’t care if you DM me, I’m a high-key extrovert who loves to talk.
Yours truly is about to cry. As of five minutes ago I officially finished ALB.
75 chapters + epilogue
456k words
13 months…
It’s over and I can’t believe it. It will still need a lot of editing but yeah, the story is done…
Now if you’ll excuse I'll go and hide in a corner and cry
Work has been absolutely kicking my butt. Hopefully will get back into regular updates soon. Here is a photo of my plants as compensation. 😅 (I know it doesn’t work like that)
new tag game: the thing you most often pretended to be as a kid—whether it was a horse, a bride, a queen, a specific character, a knight, a lawyer, a baby, anything—is symbolically representative of you currently. what is it for you?
two stt updates in one night! this is not usual haha, and i was not expecting to get this done tonight, but here it is!
CW: general angst, injury, car crashes, death, blood, brief allusions to sexual assault, panic attacks
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Her mouth was dry, that’s the first thing she felt. It was so dry she could barely swallow, not that she could really move her mouth anyway. Every muscle in her body felt weak; she didn’t even think she could move a single finger, let alone a whole part of her body.
With that thought, she tried to, resulting in a twitch of her right pointer finger.
And Aelin wanted to blink, but her eyelids felt too heavy, yet she still tried, only accomplishing another twitch. It was making her feel claustrophobic, the inability to move. Was she dead? Was she still in the car? Had Hellas brought her back just for her to die again?
A small whimper escaped her, her nose scrunching. She managed to tug her hand a little bit more, but it got caught in something connected to it, keeping her hand stuck where it was. Her breath caught.
i glance at my tumblr mutual reblogging from me again.. blushes and looks away..... my trasured mutual, you mysterious and charming being.....what are we? i hope... maybe someday, we could be something more... something like..discord friends
CW: abortion, implied abuse, poverty, homelessness, death
an: this one is heavy, I need to warn you. I've been working on this for a while, and I'm finally ready to post it, but it is quite angsty. But you know me, so it ends happily, it's just quite the ride to get there. But I hope despite all of that, you enjoy it! Let me know what you think!
And thank you so much to @whimsicallyreading for being my sounding board and helping me with all of this. This fic would not be here without you!
Her socks were wet. The lingering puddles of rain had soaked through her thin sneakers and now every step was a distinct squish.
She normally hated the feeling, but she couldn’t quite feel it this time. It was more of an expectation than an actual sensation. Yet her brain latched onto it and Aelin stared at her feet as they trailed along the damp pavement.
It was either that or think about the hand digging into her back, urging her forward faster than her legs wanted to take her.
Only a few months, only a few more months. That’s what had been running through her head for the past half a year. She was seventeen, almost legal and out on her own, but apparently she wasn’t making it to eighteen unscathed.
Unshed tears sank back into her throat, making her barely able to breathe. Her arms banded around her stomach, as if she could keep away the cold already deep in her bones. The grey sky was certainly well suited for the day.
“Stop dilly dallying,” a grouchy voice grumbled impatiently, and she flinched, her eyes darting upward. Aelin immediately regretted it as they landed on the building looming in front of her. Her gaze fell back to the ground.
She wondered what Sam would think about this, what he would say. She would never know though, she hadn’t seen him since Arobynn found the pregnancy test, since her entire life had been upended. Not that it was a good life anyway.
Shuffled from drunk parents to a drunk foster father at the young age of eight, she hadn’t exactly known much about peace, let alone happiness. Then watching other kids get shuffled through her house, never staying for more than a few months, always going home, getting adopted, or aging out. She didn’t have friends, she didn’t have anyone to turn to.
Until Sam. He’d been dumped into the system by a mom who couldn’t take care of him, and had ended up in Arobynn Hamel’s care instead. Aelin had just turned seventeen when she met him, and his kind heartedness in the face of everything they’d gone to had been a comfort when there was none.
She could still picture his smile, could still hear his laugh, could still taste his kisses. He wasn’t the only person she’d kissed, but she didn’t like to think about the other. It just made that cloud of grief inside of her grow even more, so she drowned it out in Sam’s sunlight.
And now here she was.
The doors of the clinic slid open almost sterilely, and the icy air conditioning just added to the chill in her bones. Did she want this? Aelin didn’t know, but she wasn’t really given a choice.
Not that that was anything new. She was never allowed any choices. Except, somehow this time he’d framed it as one, an illusion of one. On that terrifying day, only a week ago, when she’d mistakenly left the test somewhere easy to find, Arobynn had sat her down at the kitchen table and presented this choice.
“So what are you going to do?” He asked, leaning forward onto his elbows. Aelin blinked, still trying to process everything that was happening. Sam, where did Sam go? She needed him, needed someone.
“I - I don’t know,” she replied honestly, furrowing her brows. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
He reached out a hand across the table, but she shied away from it, staring at the wood grain instead. “You don’t have to do this. There’s that place down on 13th, I can make an appointment.”
She was confused at his tone. He was never this … this gentle sounding when talking to her. No, every word that came out of his mouth was venomous. This was unusual.
And then she processed what he’d said.
“An abortion?” She asked, stunned. For some reason, that wasn’t what she’d been expecting to hear. Arobynn nodded. “I’m… not sure,” she continued, and there was the familiar flicker of annoyance in his eyes.
“What’s the hesitation?” He asked, shaking his head. “You can’t do this, look at you. Think about your situation.” She chewed on her lip, looking everywhere but his cold grey eyes. Eyes that haunted her nightmares.
“I just need more time,” she croaked, the first feelings of a panic attack rising in her, “I can’t think of anything right now. Where’s Sam?” Her breaths got shorter, her hands starting to shake. Though, she wasn’t too sure of how well Sam could help. He hadn’t been able to calm her down very well when she was in a state like this, though he tried as best he could. Only one person had been able to, and he was long gone.
“Sam is… indisposed,” Arobynn said, a sinister sneer on his face. His facade was officially gone, and Aelin was almost glad for it. Even if her heart felt like it was going to beat its way out of her chest. “This is between you and me. Now make. a fucking. Choice.”
Her shoes squelched as she stepped into the building, Arobynn’s hand digging into her back, a clear warning. She picked at her nails, fighting the nausea rising in her gut for more than one reason.
It was happening. It was actually happening. Gods, she was going to be sick all over this stupid linoleum floor.
“Hi, how may I help you?” The lady at the desk said, looking up at Arobynn. Aelin’s heart started pounding in her chest, sweat beading on her brow.
“I have an appointment at 4 under the name Hamel,” he answered, and the lady tapped away at her keyboard, likely pulling up the schedule. Aelin would pay more attention if she could break out of the haze she was in. She felt dizzy, her eyes weren’t focusing on her surroundings.
She needed air.
“How old are you, miss?” The lady asked in a drawling voice, and Aelin looked up, blinking again.
“I’m seventeen,” she answered faintly, her voice breaking as she felt Arobynn’s dark stare aimed at her. The lady just nodded, turning back to Arobynn and sliding him paperwork to fill out.
Her arms returned to holding herself around her stomach, every single nerve in her body protesting with every line he filled out, every page he flipped.
“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” another soft voice said, and she glanced over her shoulder, at a young woman sitting in the waiting room. “It’s so quick, you won’t even know it’s happened until it’s over.”
The words were meant to be reassuring but it just made her feel even worse. Aelin didn’t love Sam, she knew that. She was worried about him, she missed him, but she didn’t think she was even capable of love. Yet, there was a glimmer of that feeling, a slight fire starting to crackle inside her, and she just knew somehow, if she went through with this, that fire would be gone.
And she’d be left with nothing once again.
The world descended back into a fog, and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, pounding through her body in a wave of panic. It was all happening too fast.
Her head started shaking, the movement getting bigger and bigger, but no one seemed to notice. Maybe she wasn’t moving at all, or maybe she was trapped in her own little bubble, blocked off from the rest of the world. Maybe that’s why no one seemed to care.
She stayed in this spiral until Arobynn grabbed her arm, jerking her into motion.
“Come on,” he said tersely, “the nurse said they’re ready.” Aelin opened her mouth to say anything, but he squeezed her arm in a death grip, a clear message in his stormy eyes.
Shut the fuck up or I’ll make you.
So she did, her face paling as she was forced to follow him, who was following another woman, as sterile as the room around them. Maybe that woman would help her, maybe she’d see past the bubble and see her.
Because Aelin didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be there.
The building was making her sick, the smell was making her sick, the idea of walking out of here with everything back to the same shitty way it’d been before was making her sick.
But how could she get out of here? She couldn’t, not with Arobynn watching her every move as they walked down the seemingly endless white hallway.
She nearly tripped as he came to a stop when the nurse turned, opening a door on the left before looking back at them.
“What’s your name, dearie?” She asked, gathering a bit of warmth in her words.
“Aelin,” she managed to say, albeit tightly and breathlessly. Arobynn tightened his grip.
“Well Aelin, you can get changed into a gown in here, alright?” The nurse asked, and Aelin couldn’t do anything but nod. “We’ll stay out here.”
She was shuffled into the room, the door shut behind her, leaving her alone. Alone, but with nowhere to go. The room wasn’t small per se, but she felt suddenly claustrophobic, her arms tucked into her sides as she tried to make herself as small as possible. Maybe then she’d have more air to actually breathe.
Her chest tightened, panic seizing her, and she went to the door to try and get someone to let her out, but paused when she heard voices.
“Mr. Hamel, you can wait out in the lobby now, if that’s okay,” the nurse said.
“I’d prefer not to,” he replied back tersely, and Aelin held back the tears that were springing to her eyes.
“It’s policy, sir, I promise she’ll be taken care of.” There was a bit of grumbling that she couldn’t hear because of the ringing growing in her ears, but then there were footsteps, and the door opened again.
The nurse appeared. “Sweetie, what’s the matter?” She asked Aelin, and Aelin just shook her head immediately, her breaths catching.
“I don’t want to be here,” she said, bracing herself on one of the walls. Disinfectant hit her nose and she nearly gagged, clutching her stomach with her free hand. “I don’t want to be here.”
“It’s okay, darling,” the nurse added, her stony face pinched into an expression of concern. “It’s normal to be hesitant, but you’ll feel better afterward. Everything will be okay then.”
Aelin’s brows furrowed, her head making a jerking motion. “No, I -”
The nurse rested her hand on Aelin’s arm, as if in an attempt to soothe, but Aelin felt anything but soothed. Instead, tears pricked her eyes again, stronger this time, and she couldn’t stop them as they spilled down her splotchy cheeks.
“Come on,” the nurse added, “let’s get you into a gown and lying down. Then we can talk, okay? Sort through this nervousness.”
But by then it would be too late to leave.
So Aelin shook her head, her lips trembling as she stood up straighter. “No,” she said, “I’m leaving. I’m not doing this.”
The nurse looked shocked, but she masked it back into a crafted expression as Aelin walked toward the door, suddenly on a mission. Her sneakers squelched as she started marching back toward the lobby, her eyes frantic but her feet steady.
“You’re making a mistake, sweetie!” The nurse called out after her. “A girl like you can’t handle this kind of responsibility!”
Aelin just ignored her, marching on like a soldier escaping a bloody battlefield, finally finding freedom in the form of the lobby and the glass doors past. She didn’t know what the hell she was doing, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be this.
She passed a few other girls in the waiting room, ignoring Aobynn’s figure burning in the corner of her gaze as she kept walking. It’d started raining again in the few minutes she’d been occupied, a light drizzle that promised a heavier storm.
He eventually noticed her, and she heard an “Aelin Galathynius!” and heavy quick footsteps, but Aelin picked up her pace, eyes wide as the doors slid open for her. The rain was pattering down on the pavement, almost like the man behind her pattering on the linoleum floor, but she didn’t hesitate. She just took a deep breath and ran.
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The darkness in the room pressed down on her like a heavy weight, offering both comfort and a burden as she chewed on her lip. Her recently cut hair fell down around her shoulders like a child sized curtain, yet another change she’d caused when she realized her long locks were both too recognizable and too much to deal with in her current circumstances. Vanity wasn’t exactly her top priority when she was busy figuring out how to survive.
Especially since she was now living and eating for two.
Aelin sighed and tossed the pamphlet to the side, scrubbing at her face and bracing herself on her knees. The shelter bed squeaked underneath her, and she cringed for a moment, worried she’d wake up the woman next to her.
Though she didn’t really care, considering that woman was the one who’d hesitantly passed her the pamphlet, trying to sell the free clinic it offered. She’d just fucking left one, why would she go back?
But the woman didn’t know that, didn’t know anything about Aelin except for the fact that she was homeless, and threw up in the bathroom every so often. She’d even lied about her age to get a bed here; if she said she was seventeen she’d just get sent back to social services, and back to him. So she was eighteen, and that was that.
Even the workers at the shelter had tried talking to her about it, and she shut them down every single time. It was the same thing that had happened with Arobynn: they were trying to sound reasonable, they were trying to offer her a choice, but got indignant when the choice she made wasn’t the one they wanted her to.
Aelin shifted to lay down, cuddling the thin blanket over herself. It was way past curfew, and everyone else was in various stages of sleep. She wished she could join, but she couldn’t, her mind whirring over the events of the past week. Gods, it’d only been a week.
She was lucky she’d stumbled across the shelter that second day, her whole body soaked and tired from spending the night out in the cold, unforgiving rain. But despite it all, despite her situation, sitting here in the dark Aelin couldn’t find a single ounce of regret in her bones.
She closed her eyes, trying to find comfort in the small bed. These conditions weren’t anything she was used to; Arobynn’s house had been nice, despite everything. He used his social services checks for his own gain, like the piece of shit human being he was. So she’d lived decently for the past decade, if you could call living in a nice house with shit clothes and shit food decent. But at least it was better than this.
But she’d chosen this, and it was worth it. She’d figure herself out soon. For now, she just needed to breathe.
Maybe she’d get a job, for the first time in her life. No, she would get a job. Not only to support herself, but to support the baby growing inside of her.
Tears pricked her eyes and her hands came down to rest on her stomach, as if she could feel the life there. An unfamiliar warmth grew in her chest, coursing through her whole body with an odd sense of contentment. Like her brain was telling her yes, this is right. This is what you’re supposed to do, this is who you’re supposed to love.
Love. A strange phenomenon, a strange sensation. She’d never felt it before, but somehow it felt like home.
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About a month passed before anything really changed. She’d been staying at the shelter the whole time, as it was pretty much an indefinite timeline for someone of her situation. Though once the volunteers figured out she was pregnant, they’d tried to cautiously direct her to a domestic violence shelter, and she’d had to carefully turn down the offer.
That wasn’t her case. She just didn’t have anyone else in the world to rely on, so she was stuck here.
Aelin had started job hunting though; there were a few places that claimed they were starter positions, with no experience required, but she’d been outcompeted by people who exceeded the qualifications. The shelter was helping, using some of their resources to get her into a stable position, but there was only so much they could do.
It also didn’t help that she had to lie about her name. Celaena Sardothien. She wasn’t a real person, which made it a tad difficult to get a job, but she didn’t have another option. Going around shouting that she was Aelin Galathynius would just throw her back to the wolves.
A feeling of hopelessness was settling deep into her gut, and some days it took too much effort to get out of bed in the morning. But she did, for food, for clean clothes, and for her child, who didn’t have anyone but her.
She’d started to show slightly, though she could still hide it under big t-shirts. When she first noticed the protruding bump, it brought back all of her worry about Sam and where he possibly could be. He was the father after all, and he deserved a say in their child’s life, but Aelin just didn’t even know where to begin in her hunt for him.
She wasn’t sure they’d have even been together if not for the circumstances they’d been thrown into, and Aelin also didn’t even know if she genuinely felt anything for him or if she just wanted to feel something. Either way, she’d feel guilty if she didn’t tell him, so she’d have to make it happen somehow.
But first, she needed lunch.
Aelin took measured steps down the sidewalk, one hand clutching her wallet and the other clutching her phone. Even if her phone was constantly shut off, to keep Arobynn from finding her, she still felt safer with it on her, just in case she needed it for anything.
There’d been a few missing posters for her in the first couple weeks after she’d ran away, leading her to even dye her already shorn hair a dark red. So unlike the golden it’d been, but she was trying to fly under the radar.
And she succeeded so well that no one even glanced her way as she walked down the street, coming back from an interview at a tiny restaurant she’d been to before. It was unpopular enough she thought she’d maybe have a shot, but they seemed less than enthusiastic when she’d had to admit she was pregnant.
Apparently she wasn’t a suitable candidate anymore. She’d wanted to call the man a certain unkind word, but she’d refrained, and instead left the building with grace. Like a civilized human being.
Aelin had also wanted to vomit the whole time, but she refrained from that as well, choosing to keep it in until she could discreetly heave her guts up into the bushes around the corner. And then she’d wiped her face, held her chin up high, and started walking toward the soup kitchen she’d started frequenting.
She did everything in her power to hide the fact that she was homeless, to not look the part, but she was, which meant she had no money for food.
That hit her hard sometimes, the gravity of everything she’d done, and it always brought on a wave of uncertainty, but she just swam through it and came out the other side with as much determination as before.
There was already a line forming by the time she got to the building, and her hand gravitated to her stomach as she took her spot, like it always did nowadays. And dressed in her giant grey salvaged men’s band t-shirt, which she’d tried and failed to turn into a more professional look, she fit right in with everyone there.
Mindlessly, she scanned the surroundings as she picked at her nails, taking steps whenever the line moved forward a bit. It was disproportionately male, and also disproportionately older, which meant she didn’t fit in to a certain extent. But she didn’t care, not as she got to the tables and began piling up her plate with food.
It was mostly the same volunteers as always, the nicer older lady that always gave her an extra roll, and the young pimply teen who she was pretty sure had a bit of a crush on her, but she stopped in her tracks when her gaze landed on a new volunteer a few tables ahead of her.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Her face paled, her fingers tightening around her plate as she stared at the familiar figure ahead of her.
“Get a move on kid,” the man behind her said in a gruff voice and her feet stumbled into motion, launching her closer and closer.
Aelin kept her head down as she passed the next station, not even shooting smiles at the volunteers like normal. Only her red hair was visible as he dumped a serving of mac and cheese onto her plate, with a deep “Here you go, miss,” as she turned away. It’s not like she was embarrassed, because she wasn’t really, yet, she didn’t really want him seeing her like this.
“Thank you,” she muttered quickly, trying to move on. But she was held back by the line, and she winced when she heard that voice again.
“Aelin?” He asked, shocked, and she grimaced as she slowly looked up, finally meeting the eyes of Rowan Whitethorn.
Her first crush, her first kiss, her first confidante. It’d been a lifetime ago, though it’d really only been a little less than three years.
But those three years felt like a million.
He’d been in the foster care system too, and had been shuffled around until he ended up getting placed at Arobynn’s house with her when she was fifteen and he was almost seventeen. They’d hated each other at first, she’d been her normal bitter self and he’d been just as stubborn and combatant, both of them too wrapped up in their own shields to realize how the other felt.
But they’d only had a few weeks of happiness before he’d been shipped away, to an uncle who’d only then realized he had a nephew floating around out in the world. Aelin never let herself think about him, but gods it’d hurt.
And now, staring into his green eyes, all those painful feelings came back up.
“I’ve gotta go,” she said, snatching a water bottle and moving to dart out of the line.
“Aelin, wait!” He called after her, and she froze at the worry in his voice, a sigh escaping her. She turned around, glancing through the line of people to where he was at the table, still serving mac and cheese as he looked at her. He was still as handsome as the day they’d met. “Can we - can we talk?” Rowan asked hesitantly, “after I’m done here? Like fifteen minutes?”
Aelin looked away, chewing on her lip, but nodded. His face melted into a relieved smile, and she felt a little less regret at that sight.
But she turned back around and stiltedly walked to her favorite bench outside the building, like a marionette whose strings were pulled too tightly. Her plate rested on her lap, the plastic fork in her hand, but she couldn’t seem to eat anything, her stomach protesting as her brain worked in overdrive.
It was quiet out here, peaceful in the warm sunny afternoon. No rain to be found.
And all she did was sit there and wait until familiar footsteps padded up to her bench, a body sliding down next to her. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. He was a little taller than before, a little broader, a little more of a man. But he was still Rowan.
“This is a kitchen for the homeless,” Rowan said, “what are you doing here, Aelin?” It wasn’t mean, it wasn’t an accusation of her unjustly taking food, it was a breath of concern, fear for why she was here and what that meant for her.
She let out a heavy sigh, squeezing her eyes shut. “I’m getting lunch,” she said, avoiding the true purpose of his question. “It’s lunchtime.”
She dragged her fork through the mac and cheese, sloshing the noodles around as she waited for him to speak.
“Are you staying at Mistward?” He asked quietly, naming the nearest shelter, coincidentally the one she was at. She nodded stiffly, her jaw clenched. “It’s still April,” he added, seemingly randomly, but she knew what he was getting at. She always understood him.
Her birthday was in May. She wasn’t eighteen yet, so she could have a roof over her head if she wanted one.
“I couldn’t stay there,” she said, swishing around the mac and cheese, her baby making itself known by the bolt of nausea it shot through her. Rowan’s body tensed and his arm brushed against hers, making her freeze.
“Did Arobynn - “ he asked, his voice gritted, and she shook her head quickly, still not looking at him.
“No, not like that,” she confirmed softly, knowing what he was referencing. The environment in the household had never been good, never healthy and never what it should’ve been from a foster father. The drinking had only gotten worse, and he’d made drunken passes at her a few times over the years.
Most of the time it was harmless, if such a word could apply, but she would never forget the time he’d been raving out of his mind on something, banging on her door while she hid out in Rowan’s room, afraid to leave his arms. That’d been the worst of it, but there was always that lingering sense of wrongness in the air of the house.
She could tell his shoulders dropped a bit, a fraction of his tension relieved, but the question still lingered in the air.
Why did she leave?
“I didn’t know you volunteered here,” Aelin said instead, switching the topic. “I’ve never seen you here, in the month I’ve been going.” She decided to offer him that little nugget of information, to give him something.
He seemed to accept the change in conversation, albeit hesitantly, and he dragged his hand down his face. “Yeah,” he replied, “it’s actually my first day. So they put me on mac and cheese duty,” he added lightly, and she looked over to see the hint of smile on his face. He turned and met her gaze, and the wind was knocked out of her. Her breath rushed out in a huge sweep, and all her nerves were on fire at the sight of his green eyes. Eyes that were melted with concern and with just emotion in general. She didn’t dare identify what that emotion was.
“You can eat it, you know, it’s not poisoned,” Rowan added, gesturing to her plate, and she looked back down at it, her fork still swirling around.
She pursed her lips, but speared some noodles onto her fork, lifting it cautiously. She was sure it was delicious, but she wasn’t really in the mood for any food right now. But she slowly took a bite, chewing and feeling the warm cheese coat her mouth. It was good, and she swallowed it willingly, but it settled with an off putting clunk in her stomach.
“How’ve you been?” Aelin asked, keeping the conversation away from her. “How's your uncle?”
They’d stayed in touch for a bit after he’d left, but she’d eventually stopped responding, in too much pain to reach out anymore. It was better to cut it off and avoid all ties, until Sam. Though that tie was unintentional, even if it was welcome now.
Rowan sighed. “He’s fine, living with him was fine, though I moved out when I turned eighteen. I have an apartment downtown now,” he gestured loosely down the street, “I’m taking classes at the community college and working down at an auto shop off of 13th street. Earns a good wage. What about you, Aelin?”
But she’d gone ridgid, her breath leaving her body at the words 13th street. Her blood pounded in her ears, her heart thudding in her chest. Her hands shook and she realized what was happening.
A panic attack.
An overwhelming sense of dread washed over her, her mouth drying up as she felt each distinct beat of her heart. Her whole body shook and the plate fell off her lap, flipping over to splat against the pavement. The sight of the mac and cheese spilled out across the concrete made her shake more, tears springing to her eyes as she fought for air.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Rowan said quickly, turning and taking her hands, “It’s okay, Aelin, everything’s okay.”
She shook her head, gesturing to her throat wildly, no breaths coming through. He took a hand, pressing it against his chest.
“Just breathe with me, okay?” He said softly but urgently, “can you do that for me, baby?” The term of endearment slipped out, momentarily shocking her, but he didn’t look fazed, just determined. So she nodded tightly. “Focus on my breaths. In, out, in, out.”
She stared into his green eyes, grounding herself in his gaze as she tried to match his breaths, fighting the tightness in her throat. It took a few tries, but soon she was able to take a small breath in and a small breath out. “Keep going,” he encouraged, keeping his gaze steady on hers. His free hand went to her cheek, and she leaned forward, her forehead touching his as they breathed together.
Aelin kept it up until she could breathe on her own, her panic slowly easing. The moment fell quiet, and she reveled in their closeness as she kept her forehead touching his. Until nausea forced its way up from her stomach through her throat and she was turning and vomiting into the bushes next to the bench.
He grabbed her red hair and pulled it back gently, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on her back as she retched again, throwing up her guts. She heaved a breath when she was able to, wiping away the puke from her mouth, but stayed bent over, braced on the edge of the bench.
The silence pressed heavily on her until she answered his unspoken question. “I’m pregnant,” she said, staring at the grass now splattered with her throw up. “I’m pregnant, and Arobynn wanted me to get an abortion. So I left.”
She sniffed, squeezing her eyes shut until he spoke, words that made her look up at him in shock.
“Hey,” he said softly, “why don’t you come back to my place and I’ll get you some more food, and then we can talk more, okay?” She considered the offer only for a moment, imagining the comfort a nice warm quiet apartment with him could entail, and she nodded.
“Okay.”
---------
They didn’t talk much on the way, besides a few small talk pleasantries about the weather and things like that. They didn’t bring up their past and they didn't talk about what she'd just admitted.
It wasn’t the time for it anyway; Aelin didn’t really feel like spilling out her secrets in the middle of a crowded downtown street.
They passed a missing poster on the way, and she ripped it down quickly, balling it up and throwing it into the nearest trash can. Rowan didn’t comment.
Soon enough, they were walking up to his building, entering it and climbing up the stairs to his floor. It wasn’t the nicest place in the world, but he’d gotten it himself, with his own merit and his own money and she respected that immensely.
The sounds of the street faded away as the door shut behind them, and her gaze ran over the space. It wasn’t big, but it was clean and nicely decorated, with some nice wood tones and a dark green plush couch that looked like a cloud. She wanted to throw herself on it.
So she did. She walked over and collapsed onto the soft fabric, groaning with satisfaction into the pillow at finally being off her feet.
Rowan chuckled behind her, and she heard his footsteps head toward the kitchen. Aelin rolled onto her back, linking her hands over her stomach and kicking off her dirty shoes.
“What do you feel up to eating?” He asked, and she hummed in consideration, trying to sort through her taste buds. She settled on -
“Do you have any carrots? And peanut butter?” She rubbed her flat stomach.
“Since when do you eat vegetables?” Rowan joked, and she frowned, even if he didn’t mean any harm by the statement. It was a running joke between them anyway, since they’d suffered through “family’ meals together for those few months.
“Since I stopped knowing where my next meal was coming from,” she snapped, peeling her eyes open to look over at him. He looked properly chastised, his deliciously full mouth pursing with sorrow as he turned back to go get what she’d requested.
She sighed as he disappeared from sight, returning to staring at the ceiling. She didn’t mean to direct her anger his way, she just felt… off her guard. Exposed. Vulnerable.
Her mouth fell shut until he returned carrying her snacks. Rowan sat down next to her as she sat up, wrinkling his nose as she dipped a carrot into the peanut butter, eating it carefully. Just to make sure she wasn’t about to have an adverse reaction to it.
But that’s what she was craving, and that’s what her stomach seemed to want.
It felt odd to sit here so calmly next to him after all this time, yet it felt completely normal as well. She didn’t quite know how to puzzle through it all.
“You dyed your hair,” Rowan commented, and she raised a brow, chewing on a carrot.
“That’s what you have to do when you’re on the run,” she said like it was obvious, and his lips quirked up on the side.
“I suppose you’re right,” he conceded. “Though I’m not sure this beats the time you accidentally dyed your hair blue.” He couldn’t hold back his smile at her squawk of indignation, knowing exactly what he was referencing. Back when they’d just met, when Rowan had just been transferred, and she was going through her stubborn “hating him” phase, she’d bought hair dye to prank him with and dye his light hair a bright green.
Turns out, not only had she bought the wrong color, but Rowan had known her plan and replaced her shampoo with the dye, leaving her hair a streaky blue for about a month.
She was lucky she did school online and hadn’t had to face any bullying for it. In fact, she was also lucky she did online school because she’d managed to get so far ahead with her classes she’d graduated early. No more high school bullshit for her to worry about now on top of everything else.
“That was your fault and you know it.” She pointed an accusing finger at him, and he lifted a brow.
“Wasn’t it your malevolent plan in the first place?” He asked, and Aelin frowned grumpily, knowing he was right. “I can see right through you, Galathynius.”
He was teasing her, but the words sobered her and she sighed, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. She just needed to get the words out. Get this story over with. “About half a year after you left for your uncle’s, a boy named Sam got transferred to take your spot,” she said, and he straightened, looking at her with more attention. “I was still cut up about losing you, even if I tried not to show it. So I kept him at a distance, but not even in the way I did with you. I was just cold,” she explained, furrowing her brows.
“The thing about Sam is, that he’s so endearingly persistent about being nice that it’s almost impossible to stay mad at him,” she waved a carrot in her hand. Rowan looked like he understood, but with a current of unease beneath his calm facade. Fair, it’s not like she’d really want to hear about a girl he was with after her, even if they’d never done anything more than kiss. It was the emotions that mattered more, which is what she needed to explain to him. “But I never felt anything beyond friendship, or maybe a little inkling of something more, but nothing that really meant anything.”
Rowan looked a little assuaged by that, but she kept talking, burying herself into his comfy couch. “I don’t know what made me do it, really,” she shook her head, the words surprisingly calm. “Arobynn had been slightly better once you left, though the closer I got with Sam the worse it got again,” she made a sound of almost hysterical disgust, “which is just so unbelievably twisted, like he was staking some sort of claim on me.” Her lips wobbled and she hugged herself around her stomach. Rowan looked sorrowful and angry at the same time.
“But then I think I slept with Sam as kind of a response to that, a big giant fuck you.” She dropped her head into her hands, scrubbing at her face. “Which is even more twisted. But I was seventeen by that point and I was just so tired of it all.” She looked up at him. “I’m just so tired, Rowan.” Her voice cracked.
He wrapped his arms around her then and she fell into them, fighting back tears of pure exhaustion. “I know, Fireheart. I know.”
“I kept doing it,” Aelin continued into his shirt, “and Arobynn knew, and sent Sam away when I found out I was pregnant. I still don’t know where he is, and I’m worried about him.” She shuddered, and Rowan smoothed a hand up and down her back. “And then he pressured me into getting an abortion, even when I told him I wasn’t sure. I was at the place, I was at the fucking place, but I didn’t want to.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to go through with it, but I didn’t know what he’d do to me if I had to go home with him after that, so I just ran instead.”
Aelin sighed heavily. “I’m just trying to figure it out now,” she said quietly, “I’m trying to get my life together but it just keeps falling apart.”
Rowan pulled back a little, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of her head, before looking at her with sincere green eyes. “Well, you always have a place here.”
------
She agreed to stay at least one night, at his request. According to him, he’d never forgive himself if he let her go back out to the shelter alone, especially while pregnant. Aelin wasn’t too surprised, he was a gentleman in every sense of the word, and always was there to help a friend out.
A friend. Because that’s all they were right now, that’s all that she could handle.
But it was more than she had before, and she appreciated it. Especially when he insisted she take his bed, and she was able to sleep on a comfortable surface for the first time in months. And wrapped up under his comforter, surrounded in his scent, was the most comfortable she’d really been in years.
So of course it was ruined by a fucking dream.
Aelin slammed her door shut behind her, darting over to Rowan’s room and slipping inside. He groggily looked up at her, rubbing his eyes as he squinted through the darkness.
“Aelin?” He asked, “what’s wrong?” She would’ve answered if not for the current of panic racing through her, keeping her from doing anything but clambering up onto his bed, burrowing herself into his arms. They wrapped around her automatically, though his brows were still furrowed from tiredness and from confusion.
“He’s drunk,” she managed to say, her eyes wide and her hands shaking. “I - he hasn’t been this bad before.”
Bang! Bang! Bang! Came from down the hallway, where her room was, and she flinched with every iteration, even more when he spoke.
“Aelin!” Arobynn slurred, “I know you’re in there! Come on darlin’, let me in.” But the door was unlocked, and she heard the telltale sound of it opening, and footsteps that changed direction when she wasn’t found.
Rowan looked furious, but rushed to get up when Arobynn walked that way, getting to the door and turning the lock just as Arobynn grabbed the doorknob on the other side.
Aelin didn’t want to look so vulnerable, but she was trembling as Rowan walked back over, laying down and pulling her shaking body into his.
“Come on!” Arobynn yelled angrily, too close to the door, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “Don’t be like this.” He hit the door and she flinched; Rowan tugged her in closer, drowning out the man’s words with words of his own.
“Hey, did I tell you what my Math teacher emailed me earlier?” He said softly, trying to distract her. He did online school too, and they’d spend their mornings and afternoons working in the living room together while Arobynn trudged off to work.
Aelin managed to shake her head, the starchy sheets scratching her cheek. She tried to ignore Arobynn’s shouting, focusing on Rowan’s voice instead.
“Yeah,” he said, brushing hair back behind her ear, “he told me that I’m doing really well in the class, that I had a bright future ahead of me.”
“That’s great, Rowan,” she managed to say, her words sincere.
“I’m thinking of applying to college next year,” he said, and the shock of that drove out some of the panic. That’d never really been in either of their plans. His was to graduate high school and get a good job; hers was to make it to graduation.
“Oh,” Aelin said, flinching slightly when Arobynn banged on the door again. “I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”
“Just recently,” he said, the words whispered across the bed. “And I was thinking that -”
“Wait,” she interrupted, ears pricked. “I think he’s gone.” Silence settled in the room, both of them listening for noise outside in the hallway. When nothing happened, Aelin sighed, tension pouring out of her. She closed her eyes, dropping her head onto Rowan’s chest. He rubbed her back soothingly. The scent of his pine body wash, having just showered, was heady, and she wanted to bury her face in his shirt forever.
He started talking again, whispering soothing things to her to calm her down, and soon enough, she was falling asleep.
Aelin’s eyes jerked open, a wave of anxiety rolling through her. The lack of Rowan’s arms suddenly made her feel cold, and empty, and lonely. Which was ridiculous, but she couldn’t fight the urge to climb out of his bed, trekking to the door, her bare feet barely making any noise as she cracked it open, padding out the living room where he was laying.
He looked ridiculous on the small couch, sprawled on his back. His long legs dangled off one side, his arm thrown over his face. She hesitated, not wanting to wake him up, but he cracked open his eyes anyway, like he could sense her there.
“Aelin?” He asked groggily. “Is everything okay?”
She nodded, but chewed on her lip, her eyes darting away from him.
“Can’t fall asleep?” He guessed, sitting up, and she nodded again.
“Would you mind,” she asked hesitantly, “sitting with me for a bit?” He paused and she immediately backtracked. “You don’t have to, forget what I said, that’s way too forward of me-”
“Of course I will,” Rowan cut in, pushing himself to a stand. He was wearing sweats and a black t-shirt, and Aelin had a fleeting thought, wondering how he looked so good in everything.
She padded back to the bedroom, hugging his big t-shirt around herself as she climbed back in bed. Rowan followed, sliding into place next to her. He sat against the headboard and she snuggled under the blanket, laying facing him as his hand went to smooth back her hair. One of her hands settled under her pillow, the other one resting loosely on her stomach.
“Go to sleep, Aelin,” he whispered softly, “you’re safe now.”
Her eyes fell closed, and she slipped away into the dark.
-------
A few months passed, and Aelin hadn’t left. She’d turned eighteen with as little fanfare as Rowan would allow; she’d tried to just let him forget about it, but he’d woken her up with a stack of pancakes and a heartbreakingly gorgeous smile. She wanted to devour both, but she settled for just the pancakes, which her child appreciated.
She was showing a fair amount now, which continued to be difficult when going to job interviews, which she’d started again now that she was eighteen and didn’t have to lie about her name. No one was looking for her now, at least not in a legal missing child sense.
Because she wasn’t a child anymore.
Aelin had let the dye wash out of her hair, and it was now kind of a pinkish blonde, while the rest of the red faded away. She said she looked like watered down Pepto Bismol, Rowan said she looked like a warm summer sunset. But he was always too sweet to her.
He’d been doing well at his job, though he was still continuing his education to eventually try and break into the corporate world there in downtown Rifthold. His original plans of going to college had been derailed by moving in with his uncle, he’d explained to her, but he was making up for it now.
He earned a good wage, but Aelin wanted to contribute, needed to contribute, so she was trying her hand at the job field again.
She had an interview coming up that day, for a small, locally-owned bookstore. Aelin was prepared to grovel, using her love of books and her good grades as reasons to hire her. Maybe she could prey upon their emotions too, a heartfelt reason sitting right on her stomach as evidence to anyone with eyes.
She kept a hand on it through her “professional” thrifted blouse, walking down the sidewalk to the corner of 6th ave and 18th street, where the bookstore was. Aelin hadn’t had the pleasure of being a patron there before, though it seemed like a place she’d love, with cozy chairs and warm wood shelves overflowing with books. She couldn’t deny that she was a bit nervous for this interview, as the last one hadn’t gone too well.
Just like last time she’d fruitlessly been job hunting, she’d been forced to listen to the same spiel about how it was difficult to hire someone who was pregnant, because of the setbacks she’d have as an employee. This man had deigned to tell her about the setbacks she’d have in life as well, which just made her more determined to prove them all wrong.
Aelin had gone home to Rowan after that one spitting mad, and he’d calmed her down, joking about having to reign in the beast. She half wanted to scowl at him and half wanted to kiss him for the joke, though she always wanted to kiss him so she didn’t know if that was the proper reaction.
Despite the time they’d been living together, and the obvious feelings on both ends, neither of them had made a move. So overall, with all the time they’d known each other, their kiss count was a solid one. Which was completely unacceptable. But she knew there were lingering things that hadn’t gotten closure, mainly on her end, and Rowan was waiting until she was ready.
He knew her so well, and she loved him for it. Shit, she loved him. She’d never uttered the words before, hadn’t recognized the feeling, but it was true.
There were two people in the world she loved, and both of them were with her in that tiny apartment.
Aelin smiled faintly as she opened the door of the bookstore, a bell ringing to signal her entrance, and a sweet looking older lady behind the desk smiled at her.
“Hello,” she said cheerfully, “how can I help you today? Just browsing or looking for something specific?” Aelin shook her head, walking closer to the desk.
“I’m actually here for the open interview,” she amended, making sure to smile, “My name is Aelin Galathynius.” She felt a momentary flicker of worry that the lady would recognize the name from her missing person’s case a few months back, but no recognition passed through her face. “I saw the sign on your door the other day and I wanted to put myself into consideration.”
“Oh how lovely!” The woman clapped her hands once, pushing herself up to a stand. “My name is Philippa,” she continued, leaning forward to shake Aelin’s hand. “I’ll be conducting your interview today.” She waggled her brows, gesturing to a cozy sitting area by the front window. “If you want to take a seat; do you have a copy of your resume with you?”
Aelin pulled one out of the cross body bag she had, handing it to Philippa. It was made and printed from the library computers, but it did the job.
Her blouse was loose, which covered the bump when standing, but when she sat down, it flattened against her stomach, showcasing everything that had been hidden. But Philippa hadn’t noticed yet, reading over her resume.
“Ooh, you went through the Adarlan Virtual School program?” Philippa asked. “My granddaughter used to take classes through them over the summer semester.”
“Yes,” Aelin answered, “It was more compatible with my circumstances at the time.” An understatement. Arobynn didn’t like letting her leave the house too often, so it was easier to not fight him and just do school virtually.
“Your circumstances?” Philippa questioned, prying a little bit as she still looked over the paper, and Aelin steeled herself to answer.
“Foster care,” she said, her voice a little sad.
“Ah,” Philippa said kindly, “I see.” She finally looked up, eyes going wide at Aelin’s stomach. “I see.”
Aelin nervously smoothed a hand over her bump, trying to gauge what the woman’s reaction was. Philippa seemed to sense the hesitation and smiled warmly.
“Don’t worry dear,” she said, “I had my daughter at seventeen. Of course, she’s all grown up now with her own kids, but I still remember how it felt.” She leaned forward in the chair, her voice turning a bit more serious. “It feels like everyone’s rooting for you to fail, like the world wants to see you knocked down.” Philippa grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “But believe me, it can only raise you up.”
She smiled and squeezed her hand again before leaning back. Aelin’s chest filled with warmth.
“Now, tell me a bit more about yourself, Aelin.”
--------
Aelin was floating on air as she walked back, her smile too wide for her face. She couldn’t wait to tell Rowan.
She had a job. She had a fucking job. She couldn’t believe it.
She felt like she could fly, she felt like she could jump into the air and soar through the sky, that’s how good she felt. The pavement felt like nothing under her feet as she practically skipped down the street, hurrying back to their apartment.
Nothing could stop her, nothing could ruin her good mood right now, she felt like punching the air. If this was a movie, she’d have an upbeat song playing in the background, something she could dance to in triumph as she raced home.
The sun was bursting from her godsdamned chest as she ran up the steps to their apartment’s door, being careful while also hurrying to tell him the good news.
Except, when she unlocked the door and walked inside, she found him sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. Her smile faded.
“Hey Fireheart,” Rowan said sadly when he saw her there. A sense of foreboding took over. “Can you come sit down?”
Aelin shuffled forward, stiffly taking the seat next to him.
“What’s wrong, Rowan?” She asked quietly. “You’re scaring me.” He sighed and took her hand.
“You know how you told me about Sam?” He asked softly, and she nodded, her jaw clenched. Nerves ran through her whole body, sparking in her veins and making her jumpy. “Well I’ve been looking for him.” Her eyes went wide. “Arobynn had him sent to another house after, everything, but I traced where he went.”
Her voice shook as she said, “And?” He squeezed her hand, looking regretful as he answered.
“I’m so sorry, love, but there was a car accident.” He took a deep breath, while she felt like she couldn’t breathe at all. “Sam didn’t make it.”
Her good mood was completely gone as she took in the words. Her heart was stuck in her throat.
“He’s gone?” She managed to croak out. If she wasn’t sitting down, she’d be falling to the ground right now, her knees unsteady. Even if she didn’t care about Sam romantically, this was still a - a huge blow. He was still her friend, her first time, the father of her child.
“Yes,” Rowan confirmed, his eyes so sad. “I’m so sorry you had to find out like this, but it didn’t feel right to keep it from you.”
Aelin furrowed her brows, staring at the table as her hand drifted to her stomach. “No, I - would want to hear it from you.” Her hands shook. “I just… don’t know what to say.” Her voice was tight, tears forming a lump. “Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t see him again, but it still - hurts, you know? Even if I didn’t love him.”
He squeezed her hand. “You still cared about him, he’s still the father of your child.” He was just repeating the words she’d told herself, but it felt more convincing coming from him. “You have every right in the world to be sad.”
“You’re right,” she said weakly, wiping her eyes. “I just don’t know how to process this.” She laughed wetly, cynically, without any humor. She shuddered, letting go of Rowan’s hand to bury her face in both of them, her elbows on the table.
His hand settled on her back, rubbing it lightly. “I’ll be here while you figure it out.” A hot tear slipped out of her eye, and she leaned over until her forehead was against his shoulder, her tears silent as she took comfort in his presence.
They sat in silence for a moment, until she sniffed, wiping her eyes.
“I got a job today,” she said quietly. “At the bookstore on 16th. The lady interviewed me and unofficially offered me the job on the spot.” Rowan pressed a soft kiss to her hair.
“That’s great, Aelin,” he said gently, “I’m so godsdamned proud of you.” The emotion in his voice made more tears spill down his face, and she buried herself in him and let herself cry.
———
Five months along and Aelin still hadn’t felt her baby kick. It wasn’t something she worried about constantly, but it was a needle in the back of her mind. She’d gotten a check up at the pregnancy resource center near her, utilizing their free resources just to make sure everything was okay. And everything was; she just needed to be patient.
Which wasn’t her strong suit.
She rested her hand on her stomach as she walked through the bookstore, returning a book someone had moved back to a shelf. The store was quiet that morning, but the outside street was bustling, people hurrying to work or to wherever else they needed to go on a Wednesday morning.
Aelin just observed through the windows, in her own little bubble of peace.
She’d been working here for about a month now, and it brought a small smile to her face every time she thought about it. She had a job, she was making money and being successful on her own. Well, almost on her own. But Rowan was a benefit, not a burden.
Things had slowly but surely grown even more comfortable between them. Ever since the devastating news about Sam, there’d been more of that sense of closure as awful as it was to say. She missed him of course, but there was no longer that lingering guilt of not knowing where he was, of not having him be a part of their child’s life. Sam was gone, had been gone for a while.
It was just her left to raise their kid. Well, her and Rowan.
Rowan had taken to the paternal role like a moth to a flame, and was fussing more than ever. They’d shared a bed ever since that first night, even if it was technically still platonic, and every night and every day she fell a little bit more in love with him.
She just had to figure out when the best time to tell him was.
Aelin resumed her post at the front desk, flipping through a book of her own, when she glanced up, her face blanching. The glimpse of red made her wheel around in her chair, hiding her face from view just in case he decided to look inside the store. Her whole body was on edge, her nerves lit up on fire in pure panic.
But when she surreptitiously glanced back out, she realized it wasn’t Arobynn, not even close. It was some random young woman, just making her way down the street, her red hair swishing behind her.
Aelin’s stomach dropped, her eyes squeezing shut as she tried to calm herself down. She shouldn’t be reacting like that still, her first instinct shouldn’t be to freak out. A tired sigh escaped her, the adrenaline still racing through her worn out body as she rested her forehead on the book, her hands resting on her stomach.
Just then, she felt a little flutter against one of her hands, almost like butterflies in her stomach. But she knew what it was. Her baby.
Her face cracked into a smile, a bright, broad one that was as happy and charming as could be.
“Hi there,” she whispered, “it’s nice to finally feel you.” Aelin rubbed her hand gently over her bump. “I haven’t talked to you a lot, and I don’t really know why. Maybe because it didn’t really feel real? But it does now,” she laughed wetly, tears pricking at her eyes. “You’re here, you’re really here.”
She wiped her face. “I just want you to know that you’re worth it, you’re worth all of this.” She sniffed. “I can’t wait to meet you.”
The door jingled, and she glanced up, wiping her eyes, but smiled when she saw Rowan.
“Hey, Fireheart,” he said, walking over and leaning on the desk. “What’s got you so smiley?”
Aelin chuckled, grabbing his hand and reaching it to rest against her stomach. Just then, her baby kicked again, and Rowan let out a noise of surprise.
His own face spread into an expression of wonder, and his eyes filled with tears too.
“Gods,” he let out, “they’re really there.” Aelin nodded, beaming at him. He leaned forward, and they rested their foreheads together, both breathing in each other’s giddy air as they basked in the moment together.
Five months of pregnancy, three months of him, and a lifetime ahead of all of them.
-------
Her bright mood was shattered that afternoon when a customer walked in, a middle aged woman seemingly on her lunch break from some sort of corporate job, if the sleek pantsuit and brushed to perfection hair were any indication.
“Hi, can I help you with anything?” Aelin asked with a smile, setting down her book, and the woman smiled back.
“Yes actually,” she said, her heels clicking as she walked over closer to the desk. “My friend at the office recommended a book to me, and I thought I’d try it out.”
“What book is it?” Aelin asked, typing on the computer. “I can check to see if we have it in stock.” The woman named the book and Aelin pulled it up on the screen. They did have it in stock.
So she pushed her chair back, standing up to make her way over to the shelf it would be on.
“Oh!” The woman said, her hand on her chest. “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.” Aelin’s smile faded, knowing what she was referring to.
“What, me being pregnant?” She asked, tilting her head and feigning innocence. The woman stood her ground.
“Yes, you just look so young,” she added, and Aelin replied.
“I’m eighteen.” She made it to the shelf, keeping an eye on the woman as she searched for the book.
“What about college?” The woman’s immaculate brows were furrowed, and Aelin’s jaw clenched. “How is that ever going to work?” Aelin slid the book off of the shelf.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” she replied carefully, purposefully placing one hand on her bump as she walked back to the counter. The woman followed.
“I mean, how will you make it through a college with such a big burden?” She looked legitimately confused, but that didn’t soothe Aelin’s frustration.
“Maybe college isn’t in my plans,” she said cooly, scanning the book. The woman took her wallet out, not deterred at all by her tone.
“So you’re throwing away your potential?” She asked, and Aelin didn’t know if she was attempting to help, but it was just making everything worse. “What do you want to do, work here the rest of your life? With a bushel of kids and no career?”
Aelin snatched her card from her, swiping it and tapping on the screen. “Maybe what I want is to not have my choices judged by someone who isn’t living my life.” She bagged the book aggressively, sliding it back across the counter. “And who says I can’t go to college with a kid? I think it’s rather shortsighted to think that there’s only one way to do things, and rather offensive that you think I’m incapable of it.” She snapped the words, and over exaggerated a smile.
“Have a nice day, ma’am,” Aelin added, “I hope you enjoy your book.”
The woman looked affronted, her eyebrows nearly up to her perfectly groomed hair, but she took the bag and turned without another word. The moment the bell chimed and the door shut behind her, Aelin sagged. She fell back into her seat with a sigh, her eyes squeezing shut.
College.
The idea ran through her mind, bouncing off of old ideas she’d had of what her life would be like. She never really intended to go to college, and she certainly wasn’t going to just because of what that old bat had said, but she wondered what it’d be like. What it would mean for her.
She’d talk to Rowan about it. He’d know how to sort out the mix of things inside of her head.
The thought swirled in her mind the rest of her shift, until she was packing up her bag, switching with another girl Philippa had hired. She was so focused on it she didn’t even notice the walk home, though she kept an eye out for any red hair. But that was almost subconscious, she didn’t need to pay attention for that.
Rowan only had a half day at work that day, he was working on schoolwork the rest of the afternoon and evening, so when she got back to their apartment, he was there, sitting on the couch with his laptop out and his silvery brows furrowed.
“Hey,” Aelin said with a smile, tossing her bag down on the table as she entered the living room. She leaned against the entryway, a hand on her stomach. It seemed that once her baby had started kicking, it wasn’t going to stop.
“Hey, love,” Rowan said, typing up a storm before he managed to pry his eyes away, shooting a smile at her. “How was work?” Her smile faded, and he noticed. “Everything okay?” She nodded, pushing off the wall to come sit by him. He set aside his laptop.
“I’ve just been thinking,” Aelin said carefully, watching his handsome face furrow into worry. “About college.” His face relaxed, returning to a soft smile.
“You want to go to college?” Rowan asked, turning to face her more. She shrugged.
“I’m not sure, but it’s been on my mind.” She chewed on her lip. “It’s never been an expectation of mine, I always had in my head that I wasn’t the type of person to go to college. But then I realized, why? Why am I not the type? Who decides that and what does that even mean?” Her voice fell back down. “I just - have been thinking.”
“Well,” Rowan said, grabbing her hand to gently play with her fingers. “What do you want out of life? Where do you picture yourself in five, ten, twenty years?”
It was her turn to furrow her brows. “I’m not sure,” she said honestly, “I’ve never thought that far.” She chewed on her lip.
“Well, wrack your brain,” he said with a light smile, “I know you can accomplish whatever you put your mind to, but what do you want to do?”
Aelin considered the question, a hand on her stomach. What did she want to do? What kind of impact did she want to have on the world? Flashes of drunken shouting, uncomfortable possessive touches, that sinking feeling of hopelessness, all flashed through her mind. And she knew. She didn't want anyone to have to go through what she did.
“Social work,” she found herself saying, “I think I want to be a social worker.” She looked at Rowan, who was smiling softly at her, with a flicker of pride in his face. “You were there, Rowan. You know that something a lot worse could’ve happened to me, and there was nobody who would’ve done anything to stop it.” She lifted her chin. “I want to be that person, I want to make sure nobody’s in a situation like I was ever again.”
Now that she’d had the idea, her brain was running with it. She sat up straighter. “I can apply for Rifthold University when the fall rolls around, and I can take classes there while still working so I’m still making money. And I got good grades in high school, so maybe I’ll get a scholarship too, which would make my life easier.” A smile grew on her face, excitement flowing through her veins. “I’m a year late, but who the fuck cares?”
“No one should give a fuck,” Rowan confirmed, “if they do, they’ll have to go through me.”
“Okay, macho man,” she laughed, but her smile was too big for her face. This… felt right. Her laugh settled and she was left staring at his green eyes, meeting his soft expression with one of her own.
His eyes flicked to her lips, and her breath hitched. The one kiss they’d shared, right before he’d left, had never left her mind, but she knew this one would beat that one by tenfold. She leaned in a little, and he did too, like they were gravitating toward each other. He was going to kiss her, he was going to kiss her.
But right when their lips were about to meet, his phone rang, and they both jerked back, heat staining her cheeks. Rowan cleared his throat, reaching for the phone, and she leaned back against the couch, her hand drifting to her lips.
“Fuck this,” he said, throwing his phone to the side. She barely had time to process what was happening as he grabbed her cheeks and pulled her face to his, catching her lips in a searing kiss.
She moaned into it, her lips immediately opening for him as he swept his tongue in, devouring her like he’d been waiting too long for this. Aelin melted into him, clutching his shoulders and crushing their bodies together.
He reciprocated immediately, moving one hand to the back of her head to pull her even closer.
Eventually they had to pull back, panting for air as they slowly met the other’s eyes.
“I love you,” she whispered first, seeing his face break into a beautiful smile.
“I love you too, to whatever end,” he said quietly, the words richer than any jewel anyone could ever own.
“To whatever end.”
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Pain. So much pain it was almost unbearable flooded her whole body as she yelled through gritted teeth, squeezing Rowan’s hand so hard she was pretty sure she was going to break something.
“Okay, that’s it, Aelin,” Dr. Yrene consoled her, “Just a few more pushes, okay?”
Aelin nodded, her sweat soaked hair stuck to her face as she breathed through the slight reprieve, knowing it was going to soon come to an end. Rowan smoothed some of it back, pressing a quick kiss to her temple right as another wave of contractions took over.
“Okay, now push!” Yrene commanded, and she followed suit, using every muscle in her body to push her godsdamned baby out of her. A scream ripped out of her, white creeping into her vision. She threw all of her energy into it, panting at the never ending pressure.
“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” she repeated deliriously, shaking her head.
“Yes you can, Fireheart,” Rowan promised, squeezing her hand, “You’ve done so well already, just a little bit longer, alright?” She sobbed but nodded, dropping her head into the hand he brushed across her cheek.
And when the next wave came, she breathed deeply and gave everything she could, her head getting thrown back as she kept. Pushing.
Eternity passed, and then… a baby’s cry.
Aelin panted, but opened her eyes slowly, her vision hazy as she came out of that delirium of pain.
“Congratulations, Aelin,” Dr. Yrene said warmly, carrying her baby in her arms. “You have a beautiful baby girl.” A nurse helped Aelin unbutton her hospital gown, and then her baby was placed against her bare chest, the little girl still crying.
“Oh,” Aelin said softly, “hello, you precious darling.” The newborn quickly quieted down, blinking and cracking open her tiny eyes. They were warm, brown eyes, Sam’s eyes.
Aelin blinked back tears, looking over at Rowan, who had tears in his eyes too. “She’s perfect,” he said, and she smiled, gesturing to him to come sit next to her. And he did, climbing up carefully and peering down at the child.
“Hello, sweetheart,” She said quietly, “I’m your mom, and this is your dad right here.” Because in all senses of the word besides biological, he was. Their daughter blinked, looking up with wide eyes at the both of them. “We’re so beyond thrilled to meet you.” Aelin traced her cheek with a finger. The little girl yawned, waving her little arms and legs. She had a small tuft of blonde hair, so light it was almost invisible.
Rowan pressed kisses to her temple, her cheekbone, her cheek, and Aelin leaned into him, completely enraptured by their daughter.
It was worth it, everything was worth it for this wonderful little miracle right here. All the pain, all the struggle, all of the judgment, it was worth it.
And Aelin didn’t regret a single thing, because it all led here. To where she could be staring down, and have a little bundle of joy staring back.
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Four Years Later
Aelin hunted through the crowd, her eyes darting between crowds of people as she searched for her people. Her cap was in her hand, her other hand lifting up her gown to keep from tripping on it, and to keep it from dragging against the grass.
The ceremony had been outside, which would’ve been horrendous in Adarlan summer, if not for the cold front that had come through the night before, leaving the weather cool in the morning hour.
She got briefly held up when a girl from one of her classes stopped her to say hi, introducing her parents, but after quick small talk, Aelin managed to extricate herself, continuing her search.
It only took her about a minute longer to find who she was looking for, and her face broke into a bright grin.
“Mama!” Her daughter cried out from atop Rowan’s shoulders, and Aelin hurried over to them, practically running through the crowd.
Rowan was smiling too, shifting to take Eloise off of him just in time for Aelin to jump at him, hearing an “oof” as he caught her.
“Well hello Ms. Valedictorian,” he teased, dropping a quick but heated kiss on her lips before letting her slide back to the ground. Aelin pressed one more kiss to his mouth before turning and crouching to hug their daughter.
“Hello, sweet girl,” she said warmly, “did you enjoy my speech?” Eloise was practically bouncing up and down, her smile too big for her face.
“You said my name!” She said, all excited, and Aelin had to laugh.
“Yes I did.” She booped her nose before standing up, hefting her daughter up to hold her in her arms. “That was the most important part of the whole thing.” She shared a soft smile with Rowan.
Aelin had taken a long time to craft the perfect speech, almost too long. And yeah, she mentioned the trivial stuff, like “look how far we’ve come” and “we’ve finally made it”, and she even took the chance to brag a little bit, tactfully mentioning the Master’s program she’d gotten into for social work and the prestigious internship she’d been offered, but talking about her daughter had been the most crucial part.
Because without Eloise, Aelin wasn’t sure she’d be standing here today. She wasn’t sure anything would’ve pushed her to reach her potential, wasn’t sure that anything would’ve been important enough to her to push her to make her life better. Because being successful for herself was one thing, being successful for her daughter was completely different. And infinitely more important.
She kissed Eloise’s forehead, unable to contain the giant smile on her own face. Rowan slid an arm around her waist, hugging them both.
She’d made it, they’d made it, a lot farther than Aelin had ever imagined. It hadn’t been easy, but she hadn’t expected it to be. And not being easy didn’t mean it wasn’t right.
And being here, with her family, family she’d been searching for her entire life, she wouldn’t change a godsdamned thing.
No legitimately. I have a tea table in my room for when friends can come over again. Most of my friends have a key to the back door in my room. I make my friends sweaters and buy things they mention they want. I send handwritten letters in the mail to my friend who lives a block away. I annotate poetry books and give them as gifts when it’s not even a holiday. I keep extra gloves in my purse and jackets in my car.
I’m not trying to be like “ohoho look at me I’m such a good friend”, I’m saying the second I stopped going “I wish I had friends who would invite me to tea parties” and just. hosted the tea parties myself? I still got to do the thing. I still got to see my friends. I still got to be happy with them.
I don’t think it’s about who does it, I think it’s just the genuine act of caring for people, and giving a little light to the environments you’re in.
It’s a lot of energy, I get that. Especially if you’re putting in all this effort, but not getting any back.
But I think that’s the reason no one does it. I mean we’re so worried we’ll start doing all these things and our friends won’t like it or won’t be into it, so we just don’t.
Only last week my friend messaged me, asking if I wanted to go stargazing with her. When I forget about our weekly virtual tea party, another friend called me to ask if I wanted them to host it this week.
I’ve been invited on hikes and picnics and pie making competitions over zoom, and it all sort of started with me going out of my way to be “that friend”.
I genuinely believe that the easiest answer to “how do I get friends like that?” Is to be one. In most cases, everyone else just follows by example, because they aren’t worried they’ll be wasting time and energy anymore.
It’s been a long time since I posted this but I’m saying now that btw. if you aren’t getting anything in return, no matter how hard you are trying: find better friends
We are pleased to announce that we have another scheduled event coming up soon! A weeklong birthday celebration of our favorite assassin queen: Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn-Galathynius!!
When will this take place?
The week of May 1st - May 7th
Who can participate?
Anyone! We accept all forms of content, such as fics, moodboards, playlists, art, whatever you can think of! Just make sure you tag aelinweek when you post, more submission information will be coming soon.
So... what are the prompts?
Well, we your @rowaelinscourt admin team came up with seven prompts for this celebration all centered around our lovely queen! And they are:
May 1st: Beltane
May 2nd: Aelin and the magic of friendship
May 3rd: Aelin's birthday!!
May 4th: When Rowan is away
May 5th: Aelin and pregnancy
May 6th: Aelin as a child
May 7th: Rowan admiring Aelin
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We'll have a submission post up soon! I hope you all are as excited as we are to celebrate the birthday of our favorite queen!!
Almost one day left until Aelin Week! I hope everyone is excited! 😁
Just a few reminders:
any sort of creation is accepted, whether it be moodboards, playlists, art, fics, etc. whatever you can think of!
make sure to tag aelinweek when you post, as that is how we will find your creation and make sure it's reblogged to the page!
and lastly, a point of clarification:
for this celebration, we're relying on reblogging instead of a submission link, in an attempt to streamline the process, so make sure to tag aelinweek so it can be found, and if once the week is over, you do not see your work on the page or on the masterlist that we will create, send us an ask to let us know and we'll get it straightened out right away!!
