Whiskey Fiction

Flash fiction inspired by whiskey. Drink responsibly. Read and write excessively.

[whiskeyfiction]

Kings County Straight Rye Whiskey Batch No. 3

Timothy the tree cursed. It had again tripped on a human knee sticking out of the ground on its hiking trail.

[whiskeyfiction]

Spirit of York 100% Rye Whisky

A grapnel springs from one rooftop to another. Clothes black as the night itself hang from the line tightened between two chimneys. The cat burglar patiently waits in his tighty-whities for the morning sun to dry his attire.

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Old Grand-Dad Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey 80 Proof

The family had been using the same secret recipe for centuries: corn from their own fields, limestone water from the river flowing through their land and human sacrifice before each distillation. As grandfather explained to the little one, who was eager to learn the tricks of the trade, the bodies buried between the rows of corn also attributed to the terroir present in their lovingly crafted whiskey.

[whiskeyfiction]

Russell’s Reserve 6 Years Old Kentucky Straight Rye Whiskey

To make sure the apple would fall far from the tree, Russ stood by the tree ready to swing his baseball bat.

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Balcones True Blue 100 Proof Corn Whisky Batch TB100 12-2

On Halloween he handed out candied glass balls on sticks. It was his way of choosing trick over treat.

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Reservoir Bourbon Whiskey Reservoir Rye Whiskey

“What are we going to do today, Brain?” “The same thing we do every day, Pinky. Try to be slightly better versions of ourselves.”

[whiskeyfiction]

Bernheim Original Kentucky Straight Wheat Whiskey

Sergeant was about to sink his teeth into a soft slice of thickly buttered bread when a private stomped to his camp to complain about the lack of cheese in his ration. Sergeant calmly offered to supply the private with some self-made schlong cheddar. Unwittingly the private agreed and watched as his squad leader dropped his trousers, pulled back his foreskin and rolled his penis over the private’s bread. Dumbfounded, the private took the slice back and walked away.

[whiskeyfiction]

George Dickel No. 8 Tennessee Whisky George Dickel No. 12 Tennessee Whisky

A baby was lost in the desert with its toy rattle. The search party suffered several casualties caused by snakebites.

[whiskeyfiction]

Heaven Hill Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey 80 Proof

Their love was a forbidden one. Every night Fahrenheit 173 would climb down and sneak over to The Catcher in the Corn’s shelf, and every morning the librarians would mercilessly separate them and take the eloper back to the science fiction section.

[whiskeyfiction]

Ezra Brooks Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Ezra Brooks Straight Rye Whiskey

Fireman Brooks was able to extinguish the fire that threatened to burn the cornfield to a crisp, but in the process he sparked new and unquenchable flames—those dancing inside the heart of the lonely scarecrow he so valiantly saved.

[whiskeyfiction]

McAfee’s Benchmark Old No. 8 Brand Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Nietzsche was wrong. God is not dead. He is tied up in my basement, waiting to be punished for crimes against humanity.

[whiskeyfiction]

Jefferson’s Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Batch No. 471, Bottle No. 4317 Jefferson’s Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey Batch No. 303, Bottle No. 5271

Jenny Almond, who went missing when she was just five years old, was reunited today with her parents. Eight years ago little Jenny was at a carnival with her grandfather, who bought her a bright yellow balloon, not knowing it was magical and would carry his granddaughter away into the clear sky. Jenny, now thirteen, says she learned to use her limbs and body to ride air currents, hunt birds and live among the clouds. As she got older and heavier, the magical balloon slowly descended, finally landing her in the middle of a busy street in London at 11 a.m. this morning.

Jenny Almond, the girl who became famous for living in the clouds for eight years, committed suicide on her 21st birthday. “The Balloon Girl”, as she was widely known, never got accustomed to living on solid ground.

[whiskeyfiction]

Sonoma Rye Whiskey Batch No. 13, Bottle No. 282

The knife Samuel’s son forged for him as a birthday present was so blunt that Samuel could only use it to cut off the tuition payments for the blacksmithing school.

[whiskeyfiction]

Willett Family Estate Bottled Aged 3 Years Straight Rye Whiskey 110.4 Proof

Nothing revealed that the basement’s lock had been picked. There were no fingerprints or footprints on the scene of the crime. The jars had been reorganized to make it seem like nothing was missing. Only dried-up jam stains around Will’s mouth told Grandma that the boy who struggled with reading and writing in school excelled at the fine art of thievery.

[whiskeyfiction]

Colonel E.H. Taylor, Jr. Small Batch Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Two rabbits frolicked through a sunny field speckled by wild flowers. They skipped and hopped full of spring and love. So unbridled was their joy that they failed to notice an uncovered old well, hidden by the tall grass, and leaped straight down the dark hole.

Colonel E.H. Taylor, Jr. Single Barrel Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Tommy, a little boy who was not so little at all, heard whimpering from the old well. While trying to see what was down there, he fell over and got stuck in the hole. As the two trapped cottontails had nothing else to do in the ensuing darkness, they started to breed like the proverbial rabbits. Soon their mounding offspring reached the top of the well, and pressure started to grow. Finally, Tommy popped out like a cork and the colony of rabbits flooded to freedom.

[whiskeyfiction]

W.L. Weller Special Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

The greatest and most succulent treat in all of the Seven Kingdoms—coveted even by kings and queens—was dragon meat roasted by another dragon’s fiery breath. Needless to say, it was also the most dangerous delicacy to acquire and prepare. Those willing to risk their lives for fame and wealth underwent grueling training to master all the skills necessary for a knight, a butcher and a chef.

Old Weller Antique Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

The brave knight-butcher-chefs who lost their lives on a quest for dragon meat roasted by dragon fire had ceremonious funerals. Their remains were laid in ships and set on fire as the ships were sent out to the sea. The burning was mostly ritual as there was generally very little left for the flames to consume.

[whiskeyfiction]

Black Maple Hill Oregon Straight Rye Whiskey

Emil might have been spared a spanking when he climbed on the roof and fell down the chimney—which hadn’t been swept for a good while—if the sitting room hadn’t been painted bright white only a few moments before.