:p

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sos please

bro i sprained by ankle today so now i can't get any steps in and am so scared of gaining weight

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I am 170cm and 55kg and i would do anything to be 49kg and its winter soon and i just hope i dont give up. I dont see a different and I have already lost 10kg and its just so hard but I want this so badly. I literally walk 20 k to 30k steps a day but can't seem to stop fucking eating

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binged for the first time in so long

I couldn't sleep so I ended up eating a whole box of cookies, a sandwhich and a protein bar. Tried to throw it up, but i couldn't and I just want to loose weight so badly

[rocknrollangelsblog]

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oiy

[aeotijgpoogj]

Not having your thighs touch when you walk is more comfortable than the comfort food you want to eat.

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oiy

[babydolllblogger]

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Oversexualising yourself to be loved

Is this a common thing for girls? or for anyone?

When I think back to things I did to be loved and I honestly thought they would make him love me more. It was so nice to be wanted but I think it was more lust than love. I just sometimes am so disgusted by myself. And it was all consensual, or even on my own suggestion but now I just am so like disturbed? I just thought it would fix some of our issues but it didn't and we still broke up. And he is a good guy, just I don't think I will ever do that again and it just sucks he has those memories. And I just hate myself for doing them.

I just wish I had some self respect and self love going into that relationship. I was honestly at my lowest and it just dosen't work when hes a teenage boy. And im scared the next boy who says im pretty will change my mind again because I am so desperate for others validation.

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Retroactive jealousy is crazy

Ok so this ex boyfriend. A lot to be said about him but things ended, and I agree we weren't meant for each other. ok whatever it was fun but its done and thats fine.

His fucking ex girlfriend though. I don't know what is it with guys showing their exes and how in-love they still are to you during the talking stage but he showed me her like a week into talking. On. my. mind. since. then. It has been two fucking years. Like give me a rest. she is like everything I want to be like I can't explain how much I wish I was like her. And it literally has nothing to do with him. She just is like what I want carving myself to become when I was younger. And I go through her re-post and highlights and she is just a teenage girl who wanted a boy to love her and he didn't and he left and I need to leave her alone. But I am so obsessed its actually worrisome. Like I don't think he will get back together with her and even if he doest, so fucking what. It is like her as a person. And I think we would have so much to talk about if we ever met. But I honestly wish I never met him because even if we had some great memories and I learnt a lot, this stain is still so prominent and its so engrained into me at this point. And this poor girl.

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Friendship breakups

I went through one of the most traumatic breakup in October. It was my first and no one told me how bad heartbreak feels. We both knew our relationship was terrible but neither one of us wanted to break up. I ended up bitting the bullet but I was so, like fucking eaten by the sadness of being alone I ended up begging him to get back together an hour later. He ended up saying no, and I was so distraught I had to go back home last minute and cancel my plan to be with my mom. I don't think I have ever felt so like panicked in my life. It took me a year to stop thinking about him and move on.

Now, I had this group of friends in highschool. And we didn't have a healthy friendship, it was the typical toxic big group of girls. But, when I started dating this guy is when we stopped being friends. i wasn't being a great friend and it ended them being sick of me whinning about how he treats me bad but hanging out with him anyways which i guess is fair. What i don't get it how they could do the same thing and the others didn't abandon them. That what I did was so horrible they don't think the relationship is worth fixing. Now, I don't necessarily want them back in my life, they weren't the healthiest for me. But their are these two girls who were my best friends and they are stilll best friends but ignored my texts for months until I gave up. They did the same in highschool, and I often ended up in the duo too i wont lie. But friendship breakups are so horrible because at least with this guy we had the most awful fights, I said some really horrible things, I ended up being super manipulative and he did so many things that I am still healing from. I get why we don't talk. I wish him the best but I know that we weren't right for eachother. Our breakup was boredline movie insane (on my part...) but I get why he dosen't reach out. I wouldnt want me in my life either after everything. But these girls... I don't understand. I don't understand how I was a big part of their life and I think I was a good friend (much better than I was a girlfriend thats for sure) and I know I wasn't perfect but they weren't either and just like sometimes I feel so broken by this rejection. And nothing big was the catalyst, there was no insane breakup fight that was horrible, it was just distance and whispers behind eachothers back. And because there was no like doomday, i think thats why its hard for me to justify what happened.

I have some great friends now but this just hurts a lot.

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I think reading ruined my life

Holy fuck , I have so much to say about this.

Reading was something that saved me when I was younger, filling my time with these magical stories that made summer days fly by and fictional sadness that allowed me to ignore my own problems. But the more I grow up, the more I think it was my biggest enabler for many inhibitors of my life.

Reading filled my head with these unachievable expectations of friendships and relationships. Of course it looks so great when someone gets to create a whole word in their head, without a single regard for reality. But that never registered when I was younger, and I ruined a lot of things because I thought "they weren't good enough, this isn't how it is suppose to be".

I made sadness and my issues a core part of my being. I think every book I read (ok so these weren't like educational books, more like coming of age john green esk) made em think someday someone will come and save me. And the more sad I would be, the faster they would come. But now I am trying to unbuild these coping mechanisms I grew. And, when I eventually did get a boyfriend and shared with my friends at the time, they were all horrified and didn't know what to do and it ended being something I still struggle with alone

And finally, I think I lost my ability to critically think. Now, don't get me wrong, not to an extreme but I have such a hard time seperating what looks good on paper and what is good for me.My last boyfriend was fucking amazing on paper, and when things weren't going good and I was unhappy — I made things work and pushed and ignored until I was so broken and so was he.

Maybe it's just me, but I like am so grateful for the ability to read but being 20 I have to unlearn a lot of things that was my driving force in my teens.