As time nears two in the morning, and I lay here, my face glued to my phone while reading stupid conversations on a website, I am at peace. Atleast during this time, I can reflect and talk to myself quietly in my head. There is so much going on in my life right now; so much that I couldn't begin to make sense of it all. During the day, I'm hiding behind the shadows as if I am not existing anymore. I don't want to face reality much so when reality is not worth facing. The truth is, my reality is my own doing. I am not happy with how things are going on so far, and I'd be lying if I say I want things the way they are. This is not how I envisioned things to go. With all the hardships I have had to endure, I couldn't believe that this is what I get. I get even more. After all the fear that I have had to face, this is what I get- an almost dead end. And so I am here, time nears two in the morning and all these things are flooding my mind. I could make every painful thing go away but... Wait... Something's interrupting me. Haha. She is snoring. Oh she would hear about this when she wakes up. It's crazy, you know. A moment ago, I'm all giving up and then a reminder in a form of a snore happens, and everything goes away. Not exactly everything but you get the point here, right? Sometimes in silence, sometimes when I am angry, sometimes when it is this late, my train of thought goes back. Is this all worth it? Am I doing the right thing? Am I really happy? Some days, these are all I think about- these questions in my head. For one, I know it's me pulling off the escape or throwing in the towel. I know leaving and letting things go would be the best and easiest thing. Sometimes I even daydream how things will be right again with my family, my conscience sleeping soundly and just pure confidence that people would not say anything bad or what they think are bad about me. I dream of the quiet and the alone and all those sparkling good things in my own version of fairy tale. I just want peace. But then, I am here for a reason and I always tell myself not to give up without a damn fight. For once, I am fighting a battle although I am not proclaiming it. I am convincing myself so much that this could not be it. I refuse to believe that this is not yet... it. I may not be the perfect person but I am good and good is enough for now. Good people should have something. This is what I want, and I don't want people to know it because people know a lot now. I want them to feel it; to feel that this is what I want. So, I look to my right and there she is. She stopped snoring and hopefully in her dreams, she is somewhere she want to be. When I look at her, everything is answered. Somehow the pain is less. In my head, all that it is saying to me is that I need to try. For this person, I have to. For the love I am feeling, I have to. For me, I have to. I will question everything all over again tomorrow or after one hour or after posting this. But one thing is certain: I love her.
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