noor a.

i wish you noor and all things pink.

[whitecharcoaldust]

I feel I have capacity for greatness. To make the earth between sea and death blossom.

[whitecharcoaldust]

is there a world in which i currently exist where the hole inside me stops digging deeper? If i fall within me do i fall infinitely into this dark hole or do I stop at some point where I finally feel my existence?

Slumber and anger, slumber and anger. Like the cilia that line my trachea, line this hole. I fall and tumble down

And

Down

Is there a belly to my beast?

[whitecharcoaldust]

There are some struggles we have to fight alone.

it’s been 4 years since the diagnosis. Not that the diagnosis changed anything but it’s been 4 years, nonetheless.

i fought many battles alone since then. Especially since i was fighting the very people who were supposed to be there for me.

and although I’m now married, I realize now - even more so now - that you can be so close to someone yet there are still some battles you’ll have to fight alone.

my body. my soul. my mind.

tonight i fight succumbing to the pain that envelopes my body, as I send my husband to bed, now facing the loneliness before me and the hopelessness that this is and will always be a battle I fight alone.

[whitecharcoaldust]

Subconscious

It’s difficult to know what lies in our subconscious until we give our minds the permission to share and trust us. When we do prove to our minds that we are allies with one another we are shown a completely different version of ourselves. What lies beneath that, and that... how many layers of darkness (subconsciousness) do I have? 

My alarm rang all morning, but I didn’t wake up -- I was knocked out. However, I’ve set my Google Home to narrate the news every morning. At 7am, Google started talking but I hadn’t woken up until I head “Ukrainian plane crash” and “Iran”. 

I jolted up and started yelling stop, stop (a reflex, as this is one of the ways Google turns off my alarms). But, immediately, I realized I wanted to hear more. 

Al-Zahir - He is the One who Manifests these darknesses. I didn’t realize the plane crash still haunted me. 

[whitecharcoaldust]

You, In Whom I trust

Lord,

How difficult it is to trust You. 

You, who gives me breath after breath.

You, who circulates the blood in my body. 

You, who provides for me the things I take for granted. 

I don’t trust You. 

The biggest sin, I commit. The one who You gave existence to, finds it difficult to trust You. 

I question You, I question the path you choose for me, I question the reason my life is not the way I want it. Yet, You know best what path that is, whereas, I see these fleeting moments. 

I am envious of the single blade of grass who glimmers in Your worship day and night, trusting You will take care of her as she stands against the elements. I am envious of the particle of dust which blows through the world with no concern as long as You are watching over him. I am envious of the galaxies who operate at a magnificent scale in trust and in awe of Your magnificence. 

Lord, Your ungrateful servant has returned to You, begging You to make her grateful, patient, and understanding until she reaches the point of complete trust in You. 

[whitecharcoaldust]

I guess before everything falls into place everything has to first fall and also be out of place.

[mental-muslim]

I kill myself for a degree or letters beside my name… but when it comes to God testing me out of His Knowledge and Mercy, for letters that will help me in the grave, I cave. Maybe it’s because a degree is a known time but other tests like the ones God chooses for me are unknown. I get through day 1, day 2, … day 365. As time moves on, it becomes increasingly more difficult to remain patient, God-fearing, God-loving, and hopeful.

I’m optimistic about surviving/passing but I’m not optimistic about doing well. The worst part is that I can drop out of my program but I have to keep working in God’s test even if I don’t think I’m doing well.

[whitecharcoaldust]

Father’s Touch

I know it’s hard for my parents; probably harder for them than me. What hurts them the most is that I hide my illness. They worry for me and honestly, I’m afraid myself. It feels like my body is tied in chains. And somewhere over the last few months I started feeling more distant from God. I hated myself. The first 10 nights of Muharram my father would hold the alam, come home and wipe its blessings on my body - from head to toe. My father’s touch - full of love, worry, sadness, disappointment, prayers, warmth, gratitude... brings me closer to God. When the skin of his hands touch the skin of my hands, it feels like I can love myself again.

[whitecharcoaldust]

Because of frustration

You’d think that someone who has worked with lesser privileged individuals would be more grateful for what she has. But because of frustration and impatience i’ve become jealous of my friends, ungrateful for the gifts I have, narrow-minded, and distrusting. i yell and scream, stomp my feet, and feed my ego... because i expect these things my friends have for myself. i expected God to respond to my prayers because i asked and because He says he will answer His slave when he calls upon Him. my good opinion of God’s benevolence has become hatred for His Will because i’m scared i’ll be left out in dunya.

[ponderonit]

- The death of Yazid bin Muawiyah made his army run away from Hijaz (Saudi Arabia).

His soldiers were about to die in desert out of thirst when the commander-in-chief of the army saw Imam Zain-ul-Abideen (as) coming in their direction with food and water.

The commander-in-chief recognized the stranger as being no other person than the son of Imam Hussain (as).

Thinking that the Imam (as) had not recognized him, he asked the Imam if he knew to whom the Imam (as) was extending his generosity.

The Imam (as) replied, “I know that you are Haseen Bin Nameer, the murderer of my brother ALI AKBER(as), but, that was your way of treating your guests and this is our way of treating our guests.

Tabari (7:342)

#YaImamSajjad(as)

Salawat x 3

[ernestvolynec]

I’m not trying to create something new. I’m trying to create the unknown. Each empty canvas is the beginning of my new essay about a battle between utopia and dystopia.

For me, the process of painting is like a sudden splash of strong emotions from the past. It’s like a culmination of idea after idea, success, failure, struggle and inspiration, all presented to the viewer on a piece of canvas. I never know how the final image will look and I don’t want to.

Through the use of colors, different styles and philosophy, I try show that the future is a chain of choices made today. I want to believe that one day greed, anger and a never-ending cycle of wars will be replaced with peace and love. This is my utopia.

Store - ernestvolynec.bigcartel.com

[whitecharcoaldust]

No other religion works more than this one. Continuously falling into the darkest places and yet I found just one light exists.

[whitecharcoaldust]

Sometimes you have to surrender. Especially in times when you are reminded of how limited your power and control is in the grand scheme of things. 

It’s not the same thing as accepting defeat, however. 

[whitecharcoaldust]

Quitting - Something I have never quite learned to do. How do you leave? How do you give up? How do you notify the others involved that you will no longer be participating? Quitting - Something I must do. Something I must learn and quick. It’s not failure, it’s growing, it’s moving on, it’s prioritizing yourself, it’s smart. It’s smart to know when to walk away. Still the question remains: how do you walk away?

[whitecharcoaldust]

It’s not easy letting go knowing how many people you’ve touched and have touched you. Untying the knot between our hearts, other times cutting your side so the knot remains with them. But they can’t fly on their own when they’re attached to you.

[whitecharcoaldust]

Change requires persistence. You leave it alone for a while and it will go back to the way it was. Is it ok to try my best and then if it goes back to just leave it?

[whitecharcoaldust]

Aging

My mother asks her aged father, “Mummy yaad che?” (Do you remember Mummy?)

[whitecharcoaldust]

Sometimes you have to surrender. Especially in times when you are reminded of how limited your power and control is in the grand scheme of things. 

It’s not the same thing as accepting defeat, however. 

[whitecharcoaldust]

Quitting - Something I have never quite learned to do. How do you leave? How do you give up? How do you notify the others involved that you will no longer be participating? Quitting - Something I must do. Something I must learn and quick. It’s not failure, it’s growing, it’s moving on, it’s prioritizing yourself, it’s smart. It’s smart to know when to walk away. Still the question remains: how do you walk away?

[whitecharcoaldust]

It’s not easy letting go knowing how many people you’ve touched and have touched you. Untying the knot between our hearts, other times cutting your side so the knot remains with them. But they can’t fly on their own when they’re attached to you.

[whitecharcoaldust]

[whitecharcoaldust]

Fibromyalgia feels like it’s always your fault. It’s your fault your body is self-destructing. No one believes you.... you look healthy. Everything you feel is all in your head.