Sometimes you speak up for the ones you love. Sometimes you stay silent for the ones you love. & sometimes you just want the truth to be out in the open so the ones you love can think for themselves.
My personal prerogative is to accept people for who they are, and I am generally always wishing for other people's well-being. I used to have high expectations for friends, not realizing that not everyone will think the way I do. Even so, I still try do my best to help.
I guess when someone breaks up you can't expect people's actions to be reasonable. Everyone has their own way of moving on. I myself have never been in a breakup before, so I didn't understand at the time what kind of pain you were going through. By the time I did, it was too late. I wish I knew enough to respect your decision in doing what you needed to do, and understand what you might be feeling at the time so that I don't say the wrong thing and make things worse. I used to pride myself on being right, and thought I was being understanding. But really, my strong value system just made me quite arrogant and too idealistic.
At the time, it was impossible for me to be accepting of what you decided to do, and my mistake ended up hurting our friendship. I was blunt and caustic and said unnecessary things, things you probably already knew but didn't want to hear. i really thought I was helping you see what a dick your ex was being so that you could figure out what to do. But it wasn't so easy for you to let go, and when I asked you why, you said that it was because you thought there was potential in him. At one point he'd made you happy - he'd been caring and even bought you a reader to show you how thoughtful he was, rather than things like perfume, jewelry, or makeup.
So you believed that the breakup wasn't justified. You were always questioning why it happened, and even went back to prove to him that his reasons for breaking up with you were invalid. And he agreed and you guys got back together again, for a little while. But then the breakup happened again. And again. And every time I heard about it (months after it happened because we still weren't talking regularly yet) it made me frustrated. But even after all my advice, you still wanted it to work, or at least to understand why. The problem was that you never got the closure that you needed to let go. The only way you ended up letting go was by slowly coming to the realization that you'd had enough, and that it simply wasn't going to work anymore.
But what made me become so fed up with you was because after we talked about the multiple breakups, I started to realize that the only reason you called me was to talk about it. Although I didn't believe your ex deserved you after the way he was acting, I was still supportive of your decisions - at least in the beginning. Yet when we did talk about other things, you always brushed off all the things that I offered so easily, and I began to realize that even though we had started talking again, it was never on an equal level - and probably never would be. You acted as if I hadn't changed, that I was still quiet, reserved, and didn't have a problem doing what you wanted me to do. You maintained a certain degree of dominance that I definitely do not appreciate because it demonstrates a lack of respect which I don't think anyone deserves. In some ways it becomes too much and I don't want to deal with it. So many things have changed and we just aren't comfortable with each other anymore, and now our personalities clash too much and we judge each other too easily now. That's why I was so frustrated with you and how you were dealing with your ex, because it wasn't who I thought you were.
But let me tell you this: I've matured. I am quiet because I want to be. I've learned how to speak my mind and learned how to phrase what I want in a way that doesn't offend anyone. I've become more opinionated, and stronger in general. If only you realized that, and not misinterpreted it as me being a "bitch."
But maybe I'm misinterpreting your actions, because it is true that I really don't know you anymore. I don't know what you've been through in the last few years, and I don't know how you've dealt with things or how you've grown. But... I could also be making excuses for you, which I feel like I've done too many times already because I've always given you the benefit of the doubt based on who you were in the past.
And... you don't know me either. Even though I've called you jaded before, at least I've never texted you to tell you that you were being a "bitch" for no apparent reason, which is something you've done to me after misunderstanding the situation, and over something as insignificant as letting you know that I would like to research my own hotel room for Vegas. Why did you get mad? Because you already "did your research" a week before our conversation and told me "Don't argue with me" and got pissed at me for thinking that maybe I could find a better price? Really? Well, I actually did get a cheaper room - $40 bucks a night at LVH, better than the $53.40/night Groupon deal at Hardrock Hotel that you found. Yeah.
I found the whole thing quite stupid. It'd be easier if I could just tell you to quit treating me like I don't know anything and stop expecting me to follow everything you say. And I called you jaded before I signed off because your attitude during the entire conversation was slightly bitchy, and it made me frustrated that I couldn't get through to you at all. All you could talk about was Vegas and your bf at the time, and the fact that you were planning it for "EVERYONE" not just us... Well, I'm SORRY that I couldn't get all the details about the trip straight and had to keep asking you about this and that, and WANTING to do my own fucking research. I'M SORRY for not knowing that it wasn't going to just be the four of us, SORRY for trying to book a room together because I thought it'd be more fun and cheaper and I really didn't have money, and SORRY for even asking you if you wanted to have a room alone with your bf (which you said no, it's just that the fucking Groupon deal didn't let you... Ugh, fine, whatever. I wish you had just told me the truth.) I mean, you only invited me at what felt like was the last minute, so of course I would have many questions and not know a lot of things!
What I am most sorry about was how long it took me to realize that you were throwing out all my ideas and kept insisting you had the better deal. Jeez, then just buy it for yourself and your bf if you're so sure. But don't force me to get it also. At least respect my decision to do my own research, and understand that I don't want to give up that much money especially since my bf can't pay that much so I would be paying for the both of us, until he can pay me back. It's not that hard to research for a couple days and let you know what I decide. That's what was getting to me the most - that you didn't value my opinion at all. And I honestly thought the reason why was because you simply had no faith in me at all anymore. Like you were jaded, and was I just too fucking dumb for even trying to fix anything between us.
But maybe I was too sensitive over something so small. I just wanted you to listen to something I was saying, but when you didn't, I was left feeling like I had no say in anything at all. It's possible I over-thought it and overreacted. It's not like you intended to hurt me. Maybe it's because when I get hurt, it hurts. It's incredibly stupid but that's how I am - I rely on my intuition a lot because it's always helped me, and it's how I help others. But being deeply intuitive has its drawbacks, because it causes me to feel deeply - when I'm happy I'm very happy, but when I'm sad, I get hurt very easily. This is why I avoid putting any emotions into anything at all (especially relationships), unless I can trust you completely.
So when you texted me just to call me a bitch, it hurt a fucking lot and made me think that once again, I've been misunderstood by my own "best" friend, when I was just trying to make up for what I fucked up a long time ago in the first place (also due to misunderstandings). But I finally realized that you had probably given up on me a long time ago. That's why I called you jaded, because I was scared that my feelings and intuition about you giving up on me was right. I don't feel that it's something I should tell you about either, because I deserve it - I've probably made you feel betrayed before, but I never believed it was my fault so I didn't try to fix it - big mistake. Now I think you don't even care anymore and there is no point in trying anymore.
The point is, I felt like our relationship had dwindled to phone calls that were only concerned with your ex. And after so many long talks and trying to be supportive, yet also feeling like I was being pushed aside, I guess I finally got fed up with it and I blew up at you. Although I really wish I hadn't because I was being utterly thoughtless and insensitive to your situation. Even now I feel so fucking sorry that it happened at all, and if I could, I'd go back and change it. I wouldn't let my concern for you manifest itself like that.
I'm far from perfect, but I at least want you to understand that I'm not the same person I was in highschool. I've grown up. Nor am I or will I ever be, a bitch to you or anyone else. But I can see why you'd call me a bitch if you really didn't know me. Because even though I have good intentions, I probably act like one without meaning to, and I've learned that I can hurt others by telling people what they're doing wrong and expecting them to do what is right. And I won't make any excuses for why I pushed you to break up with him because I really did believe that you would be happier if you didn't have to deal with him all the time.
Yet I also want to apologize (and have done so many times) because it was not my decision to make, but yours. I hurt you when I never intended to. I wanted to push you to see what he was doing to you so that you could finally move on and forget about him. But I should have accepted that you would come to your own conclusion and make your own decision. As impatient and frustrated with you as I was, and as much as I wanted you to finally move on so we could focus on us (I'm horribly selfish, I know) I still shouldn't have blown up at you in the end and brought up issues about our friendship. I was being a fucking insensitive cow, and I'm sorry.
But hey. You did end it with him the next day when you saw him at work. You said it had nothing to do with me blowing up at you, but that it was because when you saw him, you were finally so tired of it all that you didn't want to deal with it anymore so you ended it. Yeah okay, I'll believe you. Because that's your right, and I'm going to respect it because I don't need to be fucking right all the time because friendships don't work like that. I wish it were possible for everything to actually be black and white and for everyone to know right away because everything would become so much easier. This is how I see the world, and if everyone else saw it the same way, I would always know the right thing to do and not end up regretting my choices. But life's not like that.
I'm still trying. It's hard for me not to be impatient sometimes especially since I knew you from before, and you've changed. But don't mistake it as me being a bitch, because bitches aim to hurt and know when they're hurting someone. While I might be insensitive, I never intended to hurt you. But even when I think that I've finally let go of it all because I get tired of trying, somewhere in the back of my mind you're still there. And I feel so silly to still be angry with you for never being understanding of me, like the way I was with you. Or maybe I just feel mostly regret and bitterness, because these things are also very hard to get over.
So I guess what I wanted to say was:
1. If you were being honest about starting over, you should have given me a fair chance to start over and not judged me or called me a fat bitch. (Okay, you didn't technically say fat but you might as well have.)
2. I'm sorry. Again. And again. And again.
I just want to grow up already and figure out the right thing to do and how to help without hurting anyone.
