The Hermit

INFP, weird & in love.

[whitehorsecanfly]

It's the first day of August and the first day of my summer break.

The first half of the year has been harsh. It just feels like the months of hardworking haven't amounted to much reward. I just feel weary and desperately need rest. That's it. I accept. I surrender.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Dear friend,

There are hot summer nights like these when I just have to face the simple truth that it's getting harder to pretend not to be a little bit depressed. To keep moving forward for another day. There are things I have to do and the routines go on, but it's just hard to get out there and pretend like I still have the strength and motivation to keep doing my work like I used to. It could be the natural consequence of a hard-working year with finally very little recognition and perspectives. Or it could be anything else. The thing is I have reasons to keep going on. New things to look forward to. Things that I never actually imagined for myself, that are finally happening. But there are moments like these when I find myself all alone with my own thoughts, and the future seems so blurry.

This didn't start out to be a letter. But let's catch up. Even though I doubt that we are still connected in some remote way. I didn't try to keep in touch. I let things go a long time ago, maybe by conscious choice, maybe just because I felt like it. I guess it's safe to say that I don't know you, and you don't know me anymore. Or at least you don't know about my life and I don't know about yours. I don't really feel sad about it. It's liberating like that.

But let's pretend for a second that I'm writing to you. I'm becoming a mother. Adulthood is really happening, isn't it ? I actually look forward to it. Not in an overly optimistic and joyful kind of way, but it's a very strong sense of meaning and a calm, hopeful feeling of something new. I think it's the best thing happening in my life right now. I don't know if it balances out the fact that I feel so stuck at work. I just figure that, if you asked me one year ago whether I would picture myself being a mother one day, I would tell you "not in an immediate future". Maybe the fact that my job completely deceived me gave me a chance to detach myself from the routines to which I grew so accustomed. So that I can finally build other things for my personal life, and find deeper meaning in all of this mess.

So that's that. I'm depressed, and happy at the same time. I am happy because I feel loved and I have much love to give.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je fête mes 13 ans sur Tumblr 🥳

[whitehorsecanfly]

a harmless little dream

Tonight I got to meet a colleague who is litterally accountant by day, amateur rockstar by night. Cute, geek, music lover Italian kind of guy. I smiled and thought to myself that I'm also into music, and it's funny to think that none of my coworkers knows that about me. Well, there are a lot of things about me that I keep for myself.

Sometimes it feels good to have a little bit of fantasy. A quite harmless crush, a daydream-like fancy, a smile here, a wink there. I guess it is my retrograde & house twelve Mars in Leo talking. Or my playful Venus in house V. I just love to have a secret & fleeting moment of fantasy like that for someone. Makes me look back to the days when I was single, young and hopelessly romantic.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I'm not as resilient (physically) as I used to be when I was younger.

These days I feel drained everyday after 8 hours of work. If only I could take a whole year break.

There are bad days and there are good days. On good days, I get work done. But I still feel drained at the end of the day. Weekends feel too short for a proper rest.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I'm starting something new.

A few weeks ago, I decided to delete Instagram. Just felt tired one night of all the motivational 10-step programs for life-changing journeys and all that kind of self-centered, overly-displayed personal achievements.

I used to be stuck in a vortex of belief systems or routines from which I couldn't escape, or never imagined I could one day. Life used to feel so small and wrapped in a huge bubble of fear. I would feel that it wasn't enough, or that there was no way my life could be different than this. I don't know how I got stuck. Maybe it just kind of happened and I just endured it, in the way life taught me to do.

Then I just woke up from a long and restless sleep. Got my head above water and started to breathe in oxygen again. I am so much more than what I thought I was. Chasing after what people say should be good for me didn't work. Forcing myself to become what people think I should be didn't work. The picture suddenly got into focus. I need to be exactly who I am. I always knew that. I just almost lost the flame along the way.

So I look right into your eyes and let you see who I am.

[whitehorsecanfly]

somewhere in the course of my adult life, i just figure the kind of work i want to do.

i want my work to be inspired.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I am about to turn thirty. I don't know why this moment feels so special to me. I'm at a stage where I know what I want, and yet am not sure about anything at all, but somehow it's okay.

[whitehorsecanfly]

i'm feeling so overwhelmed by the work load right now.

constantly feeling i'm not enough.

[whitehorsecanfly]

my young adult life is just constant internal struggles between desire to quit the rat race to live a quiet easy life, and ambition to be the best in my field of expertise.

Maybe one day I'll figure out how to find a healthier way to boost self-esteem, without killing myself in the task. I'm getting better though.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Knowing that your boo has the same moon and ascendant as yours is kinda cool

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je fête mes 12 ans sur Tumblr 🥳

[whitehorsecanfly]

Dear me,

It's the end of the year and things are getting done by themselves. Just hang in there. I'm preparing my quiet exit. I don't know how long it takes. But I know what I want.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je me sens.. désinvolte

Après un an à me donner à fond, à me sur-investir dans le travail, dans le seul but de prouver mes compétences, mon envie de bien faire. Pour finir épuisée, lassée, frustrée, indifférente. On est reconnaissant de mon travail, beaucoup, un petit peu, du moins sur le papier. Tu travailles bien, mais. En même temps, ce n’était pas comme si je ne le savais pas. Donc je n’ai pas été désagréablement surprise, juste inévitablement déçue. donc il est temps pour moi de dire que je veux démissionner. Peut-être pas le jour au lendemain car je viens de changer mon PC et il est trop bien. Dire que c’est la seule raison qui me fait rester. Mais je vais partir, plus tôt que prévu. Et je ne me sens plus prise au piège. Je me libère toute seule de la pression et des attentes qu’on a sur moi. Désinvolte. Dangereuse. Libre.

[whitehorsecanfly]

last days of summer

The other day, I was reading a book on the couch, enjoying the last rays of summertime sunlight. I love these moments. The quiet and calm in the park because people were still on vacation. The cool breeze through the window. The sunlight of the end of summer, gentle and sweet, dancing with the shadow of the leaves on my book pages. Time moved slower and I didn't have to answer to anything or anyone.

[whitehorsecanfly]

29

I'm 29 years old. This is the time when I seriously have to think about what kind of life I want to have for myself. The last ten years have been straightforward, because all I had to do was to follow a clear path. Just working hard and going up. It wasn't all easy, but it was easy enough. Now what ?

29 is just a number. I don't feel obliged to achieve anything in life when I'll turn 30 or something. But it comes the time when I naturally find myself asking what I want to do next. If I vaguely know what I'll want to do, I certainly know the way I'll do it. I'll do it right, just the way I want it to be. Like the past ten years have prepared me for this turning point in my life.

[whitehorsecanfly]

dernier jour, la sortie est par là