The Hermit

INFP, weird & in love.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je fête mes 13 ans sur Tumblr 🥳

[whitehorsecanfly]

a harmless little dream

Tonight I got to meet a colleague who is litterally accountant by day, amateur rockstar by night. Cute, geek, music lover Italian kind of guy. I smiled and thought to myself that I'm also into music, and it's funny to think that none of my coworkers knows that about me. Well, there are a lot of things about me that I keep for myself.

Sometimes it feels good to have a little bit of fantasy. A quite harmless crush, a daydream-like fancy, a smile here, a wink there. I guess it is my retrograde & house twelve Mars in Leo talking. Or my playful Venus in house V. I just love to have a secret & fleeting moment of fantasy like that for someone. Makes me look back to the days when I was single, young and hopelessly romantic.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I'm not as resilient (physically) as I used to be when I was younger.

These days I feel drained everyday after 8 hours of work. If only I could take a whole year break.

There are bad days and there are good days. On good days, I get work done. But I still feel drained at the end of the day. Weekends feel too short for a proper rest.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I'm starting something new.

A few weeks ago, I decided to delete Instagram. Just felt tired one night of all the motivational 10-step programs for life-changing journeys and all that kind of self-centered, overly-displayed personal achievements.

I used to be stuck in a vortex of belief systems or routines from which I couldn't escape, or never imagined I could one day. Life used to feel so small and wrapped in a huge bubble of fear. I would feel that it wasn't enough, or that there was no way my life could be different than this. I don't know how I got stuck. Maybe it just kind of happened and I just endured it, in the way life taught me to do.

Then I just woke up from a long and restless sleep. Got my head above water and started to breathe in oxygen again. I am so much more than what I thought I was. Chasing after what people say should be good for me didn't work. Forcing myself to become what people think I should be didn't work. The picture suddenly got into focus. I need to be exactly who I am. I always knew that. I just almost lost the flame along the way.

So I look right into your eyes and let you see who I am.

[whitehorsecanfly]

somewhere in the course of my adult life, i just figure the kind of work i want to do.

i want my work to be inspired.

[whitehorsecanfly]

I am about to turn thirty. I don't know why this moment feels so special to me. I'm at a stage where I know what I want, and yet am not sure about anything at all, but somehow it's okay.

[whitehorsecanfly]

i'm feeling so overwhelmed by the work load right now.

constantly feeling i'm not enough.

[whitehorsecanfly]

my young adult life is just constant internal struggles between desire to quit the rat race to live a quiet easy life, and ambition to be the best in my field of expertise.

Maybe one day I'll figure out how to find a healthier way to boost self-esteem, without killing myself in the task. I'm getting better though.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Knowing that your boo has the same moon and ascendant as yours is kinda cool

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je fête mes 12 ans sur Tumblr 🥳

[whitehorsecanfly]

Dear me,

It's the end of the year and things are getting done by themselves. Just hang in there. I'm preparing my quiet exit. I don't know how long it takes. But I know what I want.

[whitehorsecanfly]

Je me sens.. désinvolte

Après un an à me donner à fond, à me sur-investir dans le travail, dans le seul but de prouver mes compétences, mon envie de bien faire. Pour finir épuisée, lassée, frustrée, indifférente. On est reconnaissant de mon travail, beaucoup, un petit peu, du moins sur le papier. Tu travailles bien, mais. En même temps, ce n’était pas comme si je ne le savais pas. Donc je n’ai pas été désagréablement surprise, juste inévitablement déçue. donc il est temps pour moi de dire que je veux démissionner. Peut-être pas le jour au lendemain car je viens de changer mon PC et il est trop bien. Dire que c’est la seule raison qui me fait rester. Mais je vais partir, plus tôt que prévu. Et je ne me sens plus prise au piège. Je me libère toute seule de la pression et des attentes qu’on a sur moi. Désinvolte. Dangereuse. Libre.

[whitehorsecanfly]

last days of summer

The other day, I was reading a book on the couch, enjoying the last rays of summertime sunlight. I love these moments. The quiet and calm in the park because people were still on vacation. The cool breeze through the window. The sunlight of the end of summer, gentle and sweet, dancing with the shadow of the leaves on my book pages. Time moved slower and I didn't have to answer to anything or anyone.

[whitehorsecanfly]

29

I'm 29 years old. This is the time when I seriously have to think about what kind of life I want to have for myself. The last ten years have been straightforward, because all I had to do was to follow a clear path. Just working hard and going up. It wasn't all easy, but it was easy enough. Now what ?

29 is just a number. I don't feel obliged to achieve anything in life when I'll turn 30 or something. But it comes the time when I naturally find myself asking what I want to do next. If I vaguely know what I'll want to do, I certainly know the way I'll do it. I'll do it right, just the way I want it to be. Like the past ten years have prepared me for this turning point in my life.

[whitehorsecanfly]

dernier jour, la sortie est par là

[whitehorsecanfly]

I dream about you once a year

In my dreams I was just back home

You told me you missed me, we turned back the time

And by the way, happy birthday to you

[whitehorsecanfly]

And I feel it at once, after months of self-doubt and restlessness, that the goal is clearer and closer than ever, and maybe I can do it, something to be proud of, something painfully mine.