My entire life has always felt somewhat re-lived.
Though every now and then I am immensely overwhelmed by a sudden entity, a miraculous, beautiful being. And it didn't take long to realize that nothing is permanent, people come, and they go, much like the tides kissing the shoreline repeatedly. Or the sun creating the early morning dew, the moon nonchalantly being disguised upon the sky throughout some days. I'm well aware of what I am, the traits I possess. How I've always been a natural magnet upon countless strangers. It didn't take long to mentally scoff, sigh, roll my eyes and weep after being told "I'll always be here for you, I promise", because that is all people ever fucking do (leave). And that's okay, such is my stupid beautiful life. I am a collection of a vast variety of people who at a point were overly fond of me, then one day, after many, just cast me aside. Like a stupid toy in Toy Story. The thing is, despite how much I allow people to use and take advantage of me - I'm not a fucking toy. I am an overly emotional, complex, dark, wonderful, lost, hurt, isolated soul. I've shut myself away, ever since I was 4 years old. Growing up all I yearned for was to meet someone Vaugely similar to me yet at the same time it'd desecrate my heart, knowing they felt the ways I have and do. Every fucking day I do things I don't want to, via work - favors for other people - fucking merely existing sometimes. More so as of late. And I do not discuss those wretched disgusting thoughts with Anyone., Because I learned about a decade ago that it's easily dismissed - shunned - misunderstood. That is the epitome of my life. And it just fuxking Hurts. I opened up to a girl I hardly even know about a week ago and ended up with saying that - It fucking hurts - I hurt myself every gods damn day. I am Constantly torn between what I want and what I cannot have - due to my own actions and or lack of. The thoughts of just..perishing have been overwhelming lately and I fucking HATE it because I declared Many moons ago that that isn't even a fucking option - so why do I still have those thoughts. The only reason I didn't long ago was to prevent heartbreak / pain unto my loved ones and friends. Yet again, placing others before myself. I'm stuck at a cross roads. I know what I have to do in order to achieve what I crave, desire. It just isn't the same anymore. I'm not even sure I deserve such a life anymore, despite it being all I've ever yearned for. I stupidly find myself wishing I were anyone but myself. Which really sucks because..well I'm a beautiful person, or so I tend to think & constantly be told. Obviously not. Nobody fuxking knows the depths of the darkness that dwells and resides within me, and that itself breaks my fucking heart. Am I just a facade. A mask worn daily? I cannot stop imaging simply piercing a bullet through my heart so I may finally, eternally as well as peacefully sleep. The agony that would briefly spring unto those I care immensely for, sigh, just isn't acceptable. I am drowning in despair, while looking up at myself basking in the light - reaching out unto myself. I absolutely fuxking hate resorting to using this app, but my gods, it's much faster than physically writing., and I almost always delete it shortly after. plus, no one reads it anyway which is a bonus. I Love but Hate being me, I just wish to achieve the better versions of this essence, despite the consistent general heartbreak.
