My Identity in Christ

He is the lord of order, so when he brings us into fellowship with the rest of his church, he has special plans to use our gifts and talents within that group and he keeps us unified with the rest of the body through his Holy Spirit!

[whoiaminchrist]

fighting my battles

I had a day off from work.  Ya know, one of those days where you do not want to have an agenda. You know. Ya just want to lay around and scroll through facebook and tik tok and watch tv. Just a do what you want when you want kind of day.

Well I had a day like that the other morning........God always has other plans than what we want!!! 

I have not heard God as clear as I did ever like I did this morning....little did I know this was going to start and open up the flood gates.  He said get up and turn on some worship music. I argued back and forth with Him for a bit...ya know the back and forth, “child get up!!”, “but dadddddddd i just wanna be lazy” HA

So I got up (obviously from my past posts I am not going to disobey God). I got up and turned on some worship music and just fell into some deep worship. I mean in the floor, hands raised, jumping worship.  I then heard His voice tell me to go get some oil and annoint it.

Yall......I know and completely believe in annointed oil and the power behind it but I had no idea how to do that.  I was like “ok God this is where I stop now at this point, you are definitely going to have to step in and take over”. 

God stated very clearly, “Do not worry about the why, JUST. SAY. YES”

JUST. 

SAY.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i went and grabbed a brand new bottle of oil and held it up to Him for it to be used in whatever way He wanted.  He then tells me to annoint myself. I do. Then He tells me to go and annoint my family inside. Well at this point I knew they were asleep....plus they can be a bit moody sometimes so(no offense to any of you reading this :D) so of course in classic courtney fashion, i argued a minute then went in there in preparation mode to annoint and pray.....

I knocked on all three of there doors and they were asleep....So has anyone ever seen the scene in beauty and the beast where beast is knocking on belles door and he is trying to get her to come down to dinner and mrs. potts, cogsworth and lumuiere are all trying to get him to be more patient and less angry....well he knocks and asks and she is like NO! and he points and is like mmmm to them..... well that was me to God I was like what now they are asleep.

He proceeds to tell me to sling the oil on there doors and pray anyways.

I did.

And I have no idea if this has anything to do with it but my uncle had been more out of his room and out and about out of the house more than he had been in 2 years.  

AMEN. GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD.

[whoiaminchrist]

Since Then

I have not been on here in a while and going back and reading things that I wrote seem unreal compared to where God has gotten me a year later.  I spent a year battling back and forth, to and fro, back to what was comfortable and the holy spirit shaking me and being like stop it get back up and keep on.

So I would keep going.  I began working at a restaurant here in my town, well a bar/lounge with food, as kitchen manager.  It was around alcohol.  I still allowed to fight with myself with going back to what was comfortable with the drinking. 

It says in James 5; 16 to confess your sins to one another.  So here I am confessing that I messed up through a tough year, STILL.  But here I am and here I stand fighting for christ to still shine through me and complete his works.  For he is faithful and began a good work and he will complete it (Phillipians 1:6)

[whoiaminchrist]

He spoke to me....

After a month and a half of this pain and agony and anger and rebuke, I decided to go on a week long camping trip up to Kentucky with my family.  It would be good to get away.  I wasn’t working because I had gotten laid off for the second time due to covid and I had just quit my part time job because I had also decided to move back in with my dad and the drive was too far to keep the job.

So I left for about 9 days exactly and had told my ex that we weren’t going to talk all that week.  I had also told myself and God that I was going in expectency to get an answer to all of this.  I decided that I was going to dig into his word and praise him and talk to him.

It had already been an amazing worship experience on the way there with all of the music we were listening to.  And all of the “furry darts” (Ephesians 6:16) that had tried to stop all of us, my family, from getting together, we finally arrived.  I would spend every morning before anything else reading and praying.  If I started to hurt I would walk away and talk to him and read.  I was doing everything exactly as I should.  

While talking to my family one of the first nights, I had explained all of this to them and I had told them how I was given the book “Gay girl, Good God” by Jackie Hill Perry and how I just hadn’t finished reading it because she wasn’t a “real person” to me.  Everyone had told me that they understood and all that and I was angry because I couldn’t fathom how anyone could understand this pain that I was walking through.  

Well my cousin had mentioned that she actually knew someone and went to church with someone who went through the same thing.  Not necessarily the same situation but walking away from homosexuality.  I was ecstatic.  So I called her and we talked for about an hour and it sort of reboosted me to know that someone really did understand.  She mentioned some of the same feelings and thoughts without me having to say a thing and it was nice to connect on that level with someone and to not feel so alone, at least in that moment. 

I was having a not so good day and had decided to step away from everyone again and try to start a fire.  We hadn’t had good luck at all getting a fire started.  No one could start a fire.  Well I got one started and it was a pretty decent sized one.  Let me rewind, God started this fire.  Anyways, The wind was horrible but I was sitting out by this amazing fire and opened his word and just began to read in Hebrews where I was at the time.  Well the sheets of my bible started turning one by one by one from the top corner steady and at the same pace.  I was getting sort of irritated at first thinking it was the daggum wind but obviously if it was the wind as heavy as it was it would have been turning in chunks. So i sat back and said ok God wherever you stop allow me to see what you are wanting me to see.

The pages stopped at 1 Corinthians 14:33, “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace--as in all the congregations of the Lord’s people.”  Down at the bottom at the foot notes is really what I was looking for.  It said , “ He is the Lord of order, so when he brings us into fellowship with the rest of his church, he has special plans to use our gifts and talents within that group, and keeps us unified with he rest of the body through his Holy Spirit.”

I was astounished, as soon as I read it I had this overwhelming amount of peace fall over me and me and my little cousin just fell asleep, out by the fire.  So when I woke up I shared this moment with all of my family and my spiritual mentor as well.  Our conversating went even more eye-opening.  She stated that fire represtents purification in  the bible and sent me this verse, “1 Corintheans 3:13, Each one’s work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.”

I knew that I was going to be used for something in the church whether that be my church of just in His church in general.  Well the girl that I had spoken to had suggested that I make a circle of 2 or 3 people that I could count on as prayer warriors as people I could message and just count on them. So of course I picked my mentor as well as another friend I had made at church.  We went to dinner when I got back from camping and I found out that I was going to be in ministry and I had wondered if yall knew all of this why did no one tell me before now. and the answer is always the same, We could not tell you until you were ready, it was not ours to tell.

[whoiaminchrist]

The pain that I endure on a day to day basis is something I have let define me since all of this began 3 months ago..........the empty sadness, the everflowing tears, the bipolar emotions of being ok, being angry, being sad, being happy......

It's all a roller coaster of an experience........to not numb it by alcohol............to not numb it by jumping to the next person is all a new learning path for me........I am having to rely on my bodies self working machine........your mind and your body tend to numb you as this gs get to hard or too tough on you........

God, as much as I fight, still, every single day, still comes at me like a lion.......he still will not let me run this time.........I have wanted to nothing but drink a whole bunch of alcohol and sleep with whoever I please out at bars because it's how I am comfortable......it's what I am used to.....I have only drank 3 beers and one sip of beer...........I have wanted to talk to other females to get that feeling of joy and wantedness that I wasn't getting from my ex anymore........but I haven't........

I go to church.....I pray.....still not as much as I should be.......I keep my sisters in Christ close to me.......I still serve and read my Bible.......I listen to sermons........and it doesn't take it away......not one single bit......

The emotions. The feelings. The temptations. The desires. The wants. The needs. They are all natural and human and I have felt every single one of them.

This post is not in order of the rest of the posts but I needed to get it out and this has been my sort of journalism in hopes that people would see I am real. These feelings and emotions are real and NORMAL.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. GOD IS THERE. I AM HERE.

I heard in a sermon today to not label 2020 as to what you had to bury but to label it as to what God allowed to be born in your life!

[whoiaminchrist]

not really a song that popped in my head during all of this but popped into my head while writing this.

[whoiaminchrist]

Now What....???

Now, I had already broken up with her.....My heart hurt with every inch of my being.  I could do nothing but cry.  I had not job because I had been laid off for the 2nd time due to covid.  I was working a part time small little diner prep cook gig to keep some bills paid.  I wasn’t telling anyone and didn’t tell anyone for about 2 weeks.  I was living what felt like alone and scared and devastated at what I had just done to her and to myself.  

I then decided to tell my spiritual mentor to get guidance.  She led me to a book by Jackie Hill Perry called “Gay Girl, Good God”.  I read maybe 2 chapters in it and just got angry because it hurt me to read everything she had felt during all of this also and I just couldn’t fathom that anyone understood what I was going through because she was 19 and hadn’t really had a serious relationship with a female and I just was angry and didn’t want to hear it.  

So I buried myself in the word of God.  I figured I just heard the word of god speak and pretty much take over my words and emotions, why not just bury myself in him to see why in the heck he would want me to do this.  I would go to sleep crying but listening to christian music.  We still struggled for a few weeks......cuddling here......a kiss there........crying to each other.......having conversation after conversation about why’s and how’s and are you sure’s.

I began to feel guilty about the kisses and the cravings i had for her but the devil was so mad that the temptation was still there and of course the love and the devotion was still there to her.  

I moved out of our bedroom and into the guest bedroom and that stirred up a whole new wave of emotions for me.  My mind began to wonder...........wonder things like, “Who is she talking to in there all alone and hurt?”, “Is she sneaking out in the middle of the night?” all of these qustions from my insecurities from my past relationships where women had done all of this to me and it was just something that I had gotten used to......Most certainly not with her.......She had never done anything unfaithful whatsoever....so definitely don’t begin to think negative of her......So now by this point I believe I had told my mentor from church......my mom and my dad and that was it.  

I was an emotional, spiritual, and physical wreck.  I was living alone in the back bedroom......living with the decisions that I had just made.....questioning god about EVERYTHING.   being angry at God and just not understanding the life that I was in at this point.  

I know that the few things I kept hearing from him and other people was “BE STILL” and “YOUR OBEDIENCE WILL BE REWARDED” and “THERE IS A PURPOSE FOR THIS PAIN”

[lovechangeseverythang]

This is probably a tough ask but do you think someone can be lgbtq and still be a Christian? I’ve seen a lot of different views on this, but even though there are things that are seen as not so great to the lord the one thing I know a lot from people I know myself who are gay tell me they’re Christians and love Christ but also believe it’s who they are and god loves them that way! It’s a difficult convo I guess

Here are some of my thoughts:

God loves every single person, and Christ died to save every single person. (Read John 3:16-17)

Every sin is equal in the sight of God, except for blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. (Read Matthew 12:31)

We all deal with sin, and although God loves us through it and offers forgiveness to us, we shouldn’t ever take advantage of that and use it as an excuse to keep sinning. (Read Romans 6)

Our identity should rest in Jesus alone, and nothing else. We were created to experience that love and let it be the defining factor of our lives (I am thankful that the world doesn’t define me, but my Creator does). (Read Ephesians 2:10)

People cannot live with one foot in the world and one foot in their faith, it just doesn’t work. In other words, we cannot live in sin and have a healthy relationship with the Lord. (Refer back to Romans 6)

God’s love isn’t ever in question. He’s going to love us no matter what. Again, how we choose to live is up to us. Our lives can be in surrender and align with His Word, or not. Use the Word for guidance and live accordingly, and that’s the greatest way to live a life pleasing to Him.

[him-first]

don’t forget: God has a unique calling and purpose for your life. You will face opposition and trials. You will have days when you want to walk away from your faith, but trust me, God knows what He is doing. He has been faithful all this time, so what makes you think He will leave you stranded? Even when the enemy tries to bring you down, God is bigger and stronger than any giant you will face. Trust me, living out your calling is worth it. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

[whoiaminchrist]

I just happened to read this while searching to add uplifting and other blogs as such as mine.  It is quite fitting

[whoiaminchrist]

This song happens to fall in a good spot after this last blog i wrote.  This is sort of the spot I was in at the time.  That it didn’t feel good but I had came to a point that “Thy His will Be Done” at any cost!! 

[whoiaminchrist]

Something was Stirring.....

tiAs I mentioned in my prior text, everything was going perfect.....We had bought a house together, we were getting ready to have foster children, we were attending a financial class so that all of our finances would be according to Christ.  Everything was going smoothly.  We had begun to actually plan our big wedding day.  Finally something that meant something to me after the first wedding that was a lie and the second wedding that was a complete chaotic mess.  I was finally going to spend my life with the one person that God had intended for my soul.  

It wasn’t until one Sunday I was at church and our pastor was speaking a message that boiled down to ”Sometimes we must do things that go against every fiber of our being, to do what God has intended for us.”  It started to stir up the holy spirit inside of me.  I just kind of took it as alright the lord is doing some big works in my life, I would pray “lord please reveal it to me what you want me to do”  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR FROM HIM.

The next week one of my fiancés best friends called and they were just having a normal conversation and it got down to her being in our wedding on her bridal party side.  She stated that what kind of friend would she be if she said that she could be in it and that what we were doing was right??  I was livid.  Not only did she hurt my fiancé but i was appalled at that statement but not because it hurt me but because it was stirring this pot more and more and more inside of me and I was starting to get angry.   

I saw how unhappy she was so I made the statement, we don’t have to get married if you don’t want to.  

For the whole next week the Lord had me physically sick while I was fighting what i heard him telling me to do.  He was telling me that my lifestyle was wrong and that I needed to walk away from her.  The love of my life.  My forever.  The one that my soul loved.

I guess she noticed something had been up because she wanted us to talk and it was like the lord took over and the holy spirit took over my thoughts and my words because I busted out in tears and just said, “Its over. I cant be with you. The lord has been convicting me of our lifestyle!”

With those words began and opened up a whirlwind of next few weeks........

[whoiaminchrist]

a little back story...

I can’t begin to write a blog about my walk with Christ until I explain my back story and little about who I was and what I came from.  I was born December 18, 1986 to a very good christian family.  My mom is the daughter of a southern baptist preacher and my father is the son of an elder in the pentacostal church.  I can never remember a time in my life that we were not in church or watching church or talking about church.  Christ was the center of my family upbringing.  It wasn’t until May of 2002 that my life began to go in a downward spiral.  

I had always had the urges of being attracted to the same sex.  Any of my little girlfriends I always viewed them as more than just little friends.....when we were playing house I was always the husband and always just played that role.  I knew it was wrong(or just different in my eyes at the time) but I just went with it because it felt so natural to me.....It says in the bible that: Psalm 51:5 “ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me “.  YES WE ARE ALL BORN INTO SIN!!!!  

It wasn’t until high school that I began to act on my craving for women.  May of 2002, a sophmore in high school, my parents broke the news to my brother and I that they were getting a divorce.  We wound up living with my dad full time because i wanted to stay with my friends in my high school.  He became very depressed and angry because of the stiuation.  He was very angry and very short tempered during all of this time.  He yelled at my brother and I and was very short to anger at us, not that we were easy, but it caused a bit of mental and emotional trauma in us as children.  

It was also in high school that I began to give into my fleshly desires of attraction to the same sex.  I kissed my first girl.  I had my first few intense crushes on girls.  I began to sneak and watch tv shows with lesbianism in them.  It wasn’t until I graduated and moved out that I began to actually have relationships with females.  I even married a man and broke his heart because of my confusion and disorder.  Just to try to hide it from my family.  I came out to my family in 2005.  Some of them took it better than others and my mom did not take it well.  Our relationship became very rocky and angry.  We fought and she treated me as an outcast. 

I also began to drink in my twenties and dabble in pot.  I went through several relationships with females some more serious than others.  The drinking got heavier and more often. I started taking and selling pills.  Still smoking pot.  still drinking and drinking and drinking.  I married a female.  A female who was abusive and a cheater and it was a horrible relationship.  I then got into rehab after 10 years of drugs and alcohol.  It was at this point I met the love of my life.  A christian girl who had a good head on her shoulders and a great job.....I though wow finally God is giving me everything I have been waiting on.

I started to attend church with her and fell in love with church.  I then began to stay sober.  Read his word more.  I started serving at my church.  And there was a sermon at our church entitled “The Fruit We Bear”.  It wasn’t until then that God started working more deeply in my spirit.  3 years of going to the church and serving with the kids and serving in the food pantry also.  Everything was finally starting to look up........