My Internal Battle
I don't know if it's modernity I battle, or multiple parts of my nature.
I highly value my independence. I've put in a lot of work to develop myself and create a content life for myself. I tackle complex, challenging problems and work and then can relax in my free time. I can mostly buy the things I want and plan for my future.
But I feel a deep pull, a yearning to be absolutely dependent and void of all thoughts, reliant on another. To not have to think or worry about anything. To hand over all control to another person.
Even deeper still I want to not even be in control of losing control. I want someone to slowly take over my life bit by bit until I have no agency and I'm completely dependent.
Maybe it's because I'm tired of planning and choosing and having to juggle so many things in my head. Maybe I want someone to know me so deeply that they can make all the choices. Part of me thinks that maybe it's a way where I can no longer be blamed for anything going wrong. I don't have to care about anyone else's emotions or needs. That mine will be taken care of and I no longer have to stress about anyone else's.
To me that's the ultimate fantasy.