👽

[jacubesilvora]

Writing is not about 'telling an epic story' or 'making something that will outlive you'. Writing is about going "You know what would be fucking awesome?" and then committing word crimes

[alivehouse]

[funnytwittertweets]

[mjalti]

me, as a relationship counselor: have u tried using the 😘emoji?

[internetdouchebag]

“can I have another sauce?” “they’re 25¢ extra”

[dankmemeuniversity]

[bogleech]

moving to portland was the best decision we ever made

[adobekillustrator-deactivated20]

[me, attempting to communicate with the dead] “hey u up lol”

[ouija board spells out “READ AT 11:57 PM"]

[coconutmlik]

me in English class: it’s lit(erature)

[eeveez-deactivated20190823]

you have no proof that i am not at least one of the members of daft punk

[supermario17karate-deactivated2]

proof: they are from France and there are two of them at the Grammies tonight.

[eeveez-deactivated20190823]

bonjour my petite omlette de frumage bagguette i am coming from u live from the grammys.

wheres your god now

[just-shower-thoughts]

Since we are made up of atoms which constantly vibrate, we are permanently vibing.

[faslaidir]

Why must we respond to two classmates? Why? Is it not enough that I typed 250 words of my own own bland fucking bullshit without having to say some more bland fumkin bullshumk to a classmate’s equally blund fuhnki bumshulk? “Hi Diane, Love that you and your faceless icon turned up today. I also agree that plagues in history were awful. That’s a really good point Diane thank you.” I’m gonna throw my laptop jesus crisp

[prokopetz]

If you’re trying to catch a housecat that’s gotten outside, don’t forget: they’re an ambush predator and you’re a persistence predator. You have several times more endurance than they do - use that to your advantage! Don’t run after them; that’s playing to the cat’s strengths, and vigorous pursuit may cause them to hide. Instead, follow them at a brisk walking pace until they get tired and need to have a lie-down, at which point you can simply pick them up and take them home.

[fsthhdwefg-deactivated20180515]

Ok but no shit this tactic is what allowed humans to survive pre-civilisation

[lowkey-revolutionary-raccoon]

Some mammoth: *chilling, eating grass, mammothing*

Cavedude: *power walks towards them*

Mammoth: oh sIHT

[krwzprtt]

cat : haha you can’t outrun me

human:

[memewhore]

[pureyiff-deactivated20171213]

[martymcflowers-deactivated20190]

[mandatalks]

I just had the best encounter with a child at Kmart. I was in the aisle shopping, and this girl and her dad come around the corner. The girl sees me and excitedly exclaims “There’s a human here!!” to which the father replied “Yes, there’s humans everywhere.”

[just-another-secret-gaygent]

bro do you realize you met aliens

[sheepkind]

not unusual for a kmart