There's a time for listening ...
In the wake of the tragedy in San Francisco a few months ago, one which involved the murder of six girls and the injury of thirteen others by one wanton individual, there was an outpouring of reactionary articles, first in response to the horrific crimes, and then in response to the responses published about the tragedy. Those waves were followed by continued waves of responses that revealed several patterns, some positive, and others disturbing. Along with those articles, hashtags #YesAllWomen and #NotAllMen also made their rounds.
As a male, I was initially hesitant to speak out much on the responses of women to the tragedy, because more than anything, I will never fully comprehend the natural fear of the other sex that seems to be ingrained in most, if not all, women. However, one concept stood out to me, and I'm paraphrasing because I can't find the specific quote: Not all men have harassed women, but all women have been harassed by men.
In reading the stories of so many women published online and seeing my Facebook Newsfeed filled with *personal stories* of harassment ranging from awry comments and catcalling to sexual and physical abuse done to my own friends and acquaintances, one thing has dawned on me. I am now afraid for every female. Truth be told, I should have concern for the safety of every person, not only women, but part of my own privilege is almost never having been afraid of physical or sexual harm. There are obviously situations or places that induce that fear in me, but what I've come to understand from a number of recent conversations, articles, and posts in new and old media is that the 'situations and places' clause doesn't apply to women. It's left me to wonder if on some basal level, women are always afraid for this reason. Furthermore, it leads me to ask how we as a society of cis- and trans-gendered women and men have explicitly and implicitly allowed this to become acceptable.
Part of the issue is the unmoving definition of success that is applied unevenly to men and women. For men, even today, we look for financial stability-the ability to be a breadwinner-as well as athletic accomplishments, and success with women, both in belt-notches and later on a beautiful bride. These sorts of expectations are, at best, a modern redefinition of age-old beliefs that must change. Additionally, we must be careful not lump those expectations together. Individually, seeking financial success or finding love seem like reasonable goals, however, it becomes hubris when we believe that achieving one entitles us to the other, or even worse-when we believed that we are entitled to both without any personal achievement or effort. That attitude also allows men to play the role of victim when they aren't 'getting it,' which is at best tone-deaf, and at worst deadly.
The underlying fault line in any attempts to progress is that with every apparent victory for civil rights, there was a battle preceding it with at minimum two opposing sides, and most a gradient of opinions. There will never be a massive paradigm shift where everyone's beliefs and expectations will change. It is inherent that we are philosophically lazy, subscribing to whatever norms pre-existed and simply modifying and applying that previous paradigm to the 'current' context. I don't say that with a defeatist attitude, but with an acknowledgement that the strategy for propagating change must, itself, change.
The arguments and discussion for any issue, in this case the human right of safety, must continue, but they must continue to be bolstered by stories and other individual efforts that can serve as fresh reminders of the inherent problem. Combined with that, it is every individual's duty to constantly reflect and adjust based on what is being said and how it applies to their own behaviors. This is essential if one is to improve, and these daily adjustments and growth must become habit.
Unfortunately, I find that even while writing this blog post that I find that I am frequently correcting sentence phrasing and re-reading for subtext as I continue noticing and trying to correct for my own deep-seated sexism. My instinct is to run to protect and defend women. Even in writing a blog post about the dissonance between male and female perspectives, I am exemplifying that deficit in a similar manner to so many well-meaning males who have rushed to criticize straw men on behalf of women, or blamed a potent cocktail of culture and runaway media for perpetuating the male ego. I am rushing to the defense of women who clearly do not need to be defended, but rather need to be heard. Ultimately, if any of this discussion is going to take root in our long-term psyche, and we are to gain any perspective, I and my male counterparts would do well to shut up and listen.
