This letter is for you. It’s a story filled with advice, personal experiences and a few answers to questions you might have.
First I want to introduce myself. My name is Megan. I’m blonde, a woman, a painter, a writer, lover of cats, Netflix binge watcher and dedicated reader. These are a few ways that I can describe myself. But two of the most important aspects of my life are that I’m in a long distance relationship and I’m a military girlfriend.
I met my boyfriend nearly four years ago online. He and I lived across the country from each other. It was anything but realistic. Two high school seniors, being what felt like worlds apart. What could go wrong? You’d think everything could go wrong, but actually everything went right. Although our road wasn’t paved smoothly. We had many fights, but even more days of a deeply shared loved.
The distance is an everyday struggle that I always expected I would face when I entered my relationship but one curveball I was not prepared for was my boyfriend enlisting in the army.
I had a year to prepare for one of the biggest changes in my life. And I know what you’re thinking “how do you know you’d still be together in a year?” If you’ve ever been deeply, madly, unconditionally in love then you already know the answer. A feeling overtakes your very being, you feel an invisible connection to your partner that continuously draws you closer to each other. The very thought of being without that person makes you question humanity, questions yourself. As a result you have an undeniable belief in faith that you will still be together in a year. You are given this challenge in front of you that would make many run. But you decide that even if there’s a possibility that you will be separated by the time the challenge arrives, you will prepare for it because when it does arrive you won’t back down. This is going to be something you will face together
When my boyfriend entered basic training my world got flipped upside down. For the past year, for exactly 365 days (yes he left on our anniversary), he was my constant safe base. He was the individual that I would go to when I needed someone to talk. When I sat in the school hallway every day during senior year because all my friend abandoned me, my boyfriend was the one who messaged me or called me. Even though he was busy with school he was aware that I was alone.
And that’s something I feel many people underestimate in long distance relationships. People will say “they’re not there. So they don’t know you”. But they do. A long distance relationship is built on trust and communication. And a wonderful ideal partner will listen to you’re every word. They will take in what you say and remember it. Although you might lack the physical contact you share a deeper emotional and mental connection and understanding of each other.
Anyways back to basic training. Basic training is a nine week training where soldiers are isolated from the outside world and their loved ones. It is designed to get all soldiers the basic same level of training as each other. Teach them to obey orders and learn what it’s truly like to be a solider.
The first few days without my boyfriend was alright. You don’t realize the distance and the loneliness right away. At first it feels like maybe he’s gone on vacation or is just grounded without his phone. It’s like you continuously think today will be the day that he returns. But it’s not today. It’s only day five of nine weeks.
There will be times when you feel okay about it, like you can handle it. But then other times, that can come at the most unexpected moments, where you feel as though you’re a snowball rolling down a lonely mountain side. And the thing I want you to know is that it’s completely okay to feel as though sometimes you’re at the top of the world and other times you don’t. It is also completely okay to cry. I know that you may feel weak for letting the tears fall. You’ll tell yourself that by being strong you need to stop crying. But that isn’t the case. Crying will help you release emotions that otherwise may be bottled up.
I remember how a few days after my boyfriend left I got my final report card. And the moment I held it in my hands I simply burst out crying. It was a little piece of paper. Something that should seem meaningless but yet I let it have all this power over me. I wanted him to be there for the small paper just so he could be proud of me. So I could tell him about my accomplishments. You strive to share accomplishments and make your partner proud. Yet he wasn’t there.
Other days I would cry and cry and cry in the shower. My boyfriend would tease me about all my hair products. How I used way too many. So there I would be, standing in the shower and with just one look at the shampoo bottles the tears burst. I would sit in the shower with my hair covering over my face, hugging my knees and completely crying as though I was in the worst physical pain you could imagine. But you know what? That break down is okay. Nobody can be expected to not cry or be lonely or miss your partner after nine weeks. So here’s the deal, you want to or need to cry? Then do it. You’re not alone. You’re not the first ever long distance or military partner to do so.
Let me tell you now in order to prepare you. Your soldier may come back different. This isn’t uncommon. The military designs soldiers to seem heartless. Being isolated from loved ones for over two months really takes a toll on them. Soldiers watch as buddies receive mail from people they thought loved them. Mail that says it’s over. Saying they aren’t loved anymore. They may not be the ones to receive that letter but watching their buddy break down in tears, yes tears, affects them too. They live in fear of opening that letter. Of seeing it say that it’s over. And to this I tell you to be patient. This does no mean they don’t love you. In fact it means they loves you so much they are scared to lose you. You need to be patient, ensure them every chance you get that you love them and that you’re going to stay with them. And soon that ice around their heart that the army created will melt.
You are one of their strongest support systems. Don’t count yourself out. And don’t talk down about yourself. You have more power and more effect over your loved one then you would ever believe possible. And that’s the thing. Soldiers might not make into big deal, they might not project it to the entire world. But they need you. They need you more than they will say. Not having you breaks their hearts too. They long for you, for your guidance, support and love just as much as you long for them. So do not doubt your abilities to be a good partner. Because you are doing something many others would run in fear from. You are so strong and so capable.
Here’s another piece of advice. There are going to be people who tell you that your relationship is wrong. They will tell you that you’re stupid for being with someone long distance. They will say you need to find someone closer to you. They will make stories about how your partner is likely to cheat on you. They will say this and they will say that. But you need to know yourself and your relationship. You are the master of your own life and love. These people are watching as brush strokes are painted across the canvas, watching as that red mixed with the blue, questioning what the final masterpiece will be. But you are the artist. You have already designed this painting in your mind. You have selected the colours. These people, the viewers, the critics, will never know your masterpiece the way you do.
And to this I’ll tell you that you are not somebody else’s opinion of you. In your relationship only your opinions and thoughts matter. You are your own definition of beautiful and worthwhile. And no one else’s. Your relationship is yours. It is worthwhile and perfect in the way that you make it and for your own reasons.
After basics your soldier will start his new life as a full fledged soldier. You’ll be able to communicate more with your partner and you’ll never get back to normal. Not how you were in the past at least. But you will create a new normal. Soon a feeling of piece and relaxation will fall over you. You’ll create a new routine. And new way of living your life and relationship.
But have a life outside of your partner. Either long distance or a solider. Don’t sit around all day every day waiting for that message to flash up. You’ll still get that text regardless of if your sitting at home on the couch or out for dinner with a friend. So when your friends ask, don’t turn them down just because your waiting for that message. Because although your partner feels like they are your entire life, in many ways they are, but you also need a life outside of them. This goes for if you’re in a non long distance relationship. Don’t hesitate to go out without your partner. Don’t worry about not being there to answer a message the very second it’s sent.
It’s not going to be easy. But you already know that. There are going to be days, weeks and maybe even months when your solider is gone on training. Some cases their phones will be taken and other cases they won’t be. But regardless you won’t be able to talk to your soldier as much as you’d like. Again you’ll miss them and want them. But remember that they will come home to you.
These trainings can be shit for your solider. They are forced into the wilderness in either extreme cold or extreme heat. They train for hours and days straight. They go through smoking and hazing. For the record smoking is where a higher up with force your soldier to do a physical exercise or embarrassing activity until they break or collapse. Either way it’s hard on them. There are trainings that will affect them mentally and emotionally. They will be forced to remain awake for three days straight. Which mental health speaking will actually deem the person crazy. My boyfriend has reported to seeing flying bunnies there are also other trainings where you get forced to stay in a tent for nearly two weeks. You’re barely able to move, can’t talk to anyone but the couple people around you and there isn’t even sunlight. It takes a toll on your soldier.
They will have breakdowns. Moments of fear that they face. Want to run away. But you gotta have patience. You need to take a breath. It’s time to be a support. Ensure them that you love them. And you are going to stay no matter what. No matter how hard things get make the promise that you are going to stay and you are going to fight.
Find yourself a support system. One of the hardest things I experienced when I first started dating my boyfriend and he became a soldier was being unable to have someone to turn to. Someone who had been there and had known what it was like that I was going through. You might have other friends that are there who support you that you can talk to. And honestly that does help. But they will never understand and feel the same way about these things that you do. It’s nice to have someone to turn to who understands. I always wished I had someone who could answer the questions I had about long distance and about military life. I wish in many ways that I could sit and talk to each and every one of you in person. I wish I could in some small way help your journey into this unknown land a little easier. But the only thing I can do right now is give you a list of advice.
1. I like to try and break up the weeks when my soldier is gone. During basic training I picked my favourite tv show and every week I would watch a new episode. That way I would say to myself “three more days until the next episode”. Then once that episode passes I’ll think to myself “five weeks until David comes back”. Having that one thing a week helped me to break up the time. It gave me something small to look forward to. It was one bright thing a week I would look forward too and made it seem like time passed faster.
2. I always try to do something. I try to keep busy. Now that doesn’t mean you have to always be on the go. But it means to keep your mind focused on something else. I was always watching dolphin tales. I know, it’s a silly movie but it kept me focused on something other than missing him.
3. I would write what I call dear David letters. Of course I would send letters too, but this acted more as a diary. I would write out, even something small, every day just to express how I feel. I would write about what happened that day, what reminded me about him that day, how I feel about missing him. If I wanted then I would email it to him so he could get it later. But no matter what I would write those emotions down.
4. Honestly I know this will seem counter productive but I would think about all the happy sweet little things we did. The happy memories always made me smile. I can understand that it might seem as those remembering those things could make you sad. But it’ll also remind you of times that things were happy.
5. Cry. You are allowed to cry. Crying is a sign you’ve been too strong for too long. If you miss him and feel as though you need to let it out through tears. Then go right ahead. There is no shame in crying. It doesn’t make you weak. And it doesn’t make you a bad girlfriend. Cry if you feel as though you need to cry.
6. I always like to keep something that makes me feel as though he is with me nearby. Every night I sleep with a stuffed toy that my bf got me. This was the very first thing it bought me and I feel like when I’m laying in bed in some ways he’s there too. I also always wear this necklace he got me for Christmas. Every day I have it on and when I am having a hard day or I miss him and I just need some strength I’ll reach up and hold it. It reminds me that he’s there. It allows me to take a breath and relax. I find a comfort and happy place. Find something like that that’ll allow you to slow down for a moment and take a breath. Something that’ll make it feel like your soldier is with you giving you strength.
7. Be prepared for the disbelievers. There are going to be people that during your relationship will think as though they know more than you. And they will insist that there is something wrong. But know that there is nothing wrong with your relationship. It’s perfect for you just the way it is. Know that there will be people who don’t believe in you. But what matters is that you believe.
8. Try to have a tradition to share with your partner. The distance will be hard and it will get to you at some points. There might be times when you feel as though the connection isn’t as strong. Every evening my boyfriend and I will pray together. No matter how busy we get during the day, even if we can’t talk much, we both will take the time to stop and pray. Have something that you are you partner can do together no matter how busy you get.
9. Skype dates. There are going to be people who say you can’t go out on dates and do lovey kind of things. But that’s a lie. You can still have dates. Maybe not in the typical sense. But you can have what my boyfriend and I call Skype dates. You set aside an evening or a day where you dress nicely and have some alone time together to video chat. The two of you can spend the time talking and flirting. My bf and I like to watch movies together on Netflix at the same time. Although it’s not completely normal, it’s similar as if we were watching a movie together.
10. Finally my last advice is to find a support system. When my bf started BCT I had no one. Not a single person. No one asked how I was doing or if I was okay. And that can be one of the hardest things. Having to do the distance alone is a horrible feeling. Over time I’ve developed strong friendships with other people. Now when he’s gone I have people to lean back on. I rely on messaging my bf everyday, I send s good morning text every morning. It’s habit. So when he leaves for training I’ll always make sure to have someone to talk to. I’ll always have that friend I can message. A support system is the most important thing. If you need someone then message me. Send me a message saying hi, it’s as easy as that. And guess what? Now I’ve got your back for life and I’ll be your support system.
A long distance and military relationship is never easy. And it certainly isn’t for the faint of hearts. But to each and every one of you who is currently surviving in one I want you to know that you are all very strong. You are very strong and capable individuals and I am proud of each of you.
You are facing a journey ahead of you that is going to throw you curveballs and struggles. But I promise you that every challenge you face is going to be worth it. Your partner loves you. Despite the distance they are choosing to be with you. Just as every morning you pick to be with them. It’s not easy. But it’s not impossible. And you need to know you’re not alone. There are many of us out there. Do not fear asking for help or advice. Don’t worry about needing someone to cry to. People are here for you. Always.
I’ll leave you with this. Your relationship might not be easy. But it’s yours. It begins and ends with you and your partner. I’ve been there. People telling me my relationship is fake, he’s gonna cheat, I don’t truly know him, it’s impossible. We’ve all heard it. But I am here to say I have been happily dating my boyfriend for four years. There are success stories. Don’t let your story end early because of someone else.
Write your own story. Create your own ending.
Your relationship is yours for a reason. You two were brought together for a reason. You choose each other for a reason. So stand and fight through all those tears and doubts and lonely nights. If you love your partner and want to continue being with them. Then fight.
Military and long distance relationships are never easy. But you are succeeding. As of today you are a success story.
I know that this letter was long and many of you might not make it to the end. But I hope and pray that for those of you who do read it will find a moment of knowledge and comfort in these words.
Know your not alone. Know that you can message me without a moments hesitation. I promise to answer you back. I promise to be there for you.
And above all I promise that if you want then your long distance relationship can work. With a little time, dedication, communication and love you can do it.
I believe in you. And I am proud of you.
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
dededos
jacobvanloon
baratheonpilled
areudirty
