WierdDeer

I am a wierd deer, and I wan't to write what is on my mind!

[theendlessforest]

Fawn 3 by Cheryl Rose

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[pir-ado]

x nature blog x

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The persona

Im not really like this in real life.. its just on here..

but this is actually a deep and emotional blogg, were i get to be sad and mad, and crazy and ask wierd questions.. and it helps me.. it makes me very happy.. (afterwards) :-)

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who me? (this is a long one!)

hmm i guess this (wierddeer) is a persona of my self that i have made.. its a way for me to vent without hurting anybody, and without anybody having to worry about me..

sometimes you just want to vent! but you can’t.. no body is listeneing, or what you are going to say will hurt them.. maybe you know what you are saying is stupid, but you wanna say it anyway! .. maybe they allways worry about you when you tell them how you feel on the inside.. maybe you don’t see a big deal about it as long as you get to say it out loud.. but they see it as a big deal and they get sad on your behalf..

you feel trapped.. you feel like you have stitches on your mouth.. your teeth are prison bars, and not all words can get past them.. you have to be happy HAVE TO!.. because you don’t ever wan’t anyone to ever feel the same way you felt.. you want them to be happy..

is that a selfish thougth? they want you to be happy too..

im aware that in life there is happyness and sadness.. they balance eachother.. you can’t have one without the other..

but feelings are hard! or some of them are anyway..

i know some of this garbage im saying is straigth up stupid..rigth after i have written it i can see how idiotic it sounds.. but does it then have less value? is the first thing i think, how i actually feel? or is it just a brain fart that wasn’t thought compleetly through before it flew out of my head..

am i allowed to be stupid?

is it okay if im not compleetly likable? if my oppinions isn’t compleetly clean and pure.. am i allowed to be dumb?

does it ruin anything?

will people like me less? or will i like myself more?

im not even shure who i actually am yet.. im just figuring that out.. now that i have a break and live by my self.. its nice..

but i guess im still in a life crisis xDD what is life even? xDD

thats the wierd part.. im not depressed. i just have a lot of things i don’t know about my self yet.. and i have ALL these questions that i can’t ask anybody. so i ask them for myself.. but i just don’t have the answer yet..

though ill admit.. its fun to read all of this after a year.. and have all of it figured out, just to see how it changes!

Thank you for reading! you are a lifesaver!

[wierddeer-blog]

Enough selfloathing!

Hello again.. its been a while.. (a year)

god damn i was sad back then! But who could blame me, being in a relationship with someone who is suicidal is the absoloutly hardest thing i have ever had to endure!

im still with him, or i guess we are on a break (however that works)..

as you can see im still using this blog to get my personal feelings out.. just the thougth that someone somewere migth MIGTH read this, makes me feel a little better on the inside of my soul.! <3 so thank you very much, you, who is reading all of my garbage feelings.. you are lifting just a little bit of all these heavy stones that makes my heart hurt.. you make me feel better :-) you are an awesome person!

just wanted to point that out!

also im not compleetly finnished with my ramblings! so ill be writing some more ramblings until i feel better!

Thank you for reading

[wierddeer-blog]

so i did it.. i am such an idiot..

I talked to my boyfriend.. started the conversation by asking him if he even wanted to move in with me to the other city... He said “yes offcourse i would!”

How sweet <3

but then I told him something that had been bothering me for quite a while.. the lack of intimacy in our relationship lately...

he got sad, and told me why he had not really been there for me like that.. he had had some really hard days lately.. the pills isn’t working.. and he started having suicidal thoughts again.. he hadn’t told me about it, because he didn’t whant to hurt me anymore..  He tells me that, he can’t handle being intimate with me at the moment.. he was having a hard time just smiling througout the day... Im so sorry... why am I so selfish and just asume that he didn’t love me anymore.. I didn’t even consider how much he actually loves me...

He got really sad.. we didn’t even sleep in the same bed that nigth.. 

He actually brougth up the subject himself.. “maybe we should not live together, maybe that would be better for you” he said to me..  I asked him if it would be better for him? would it help him?, he got upset and said that he didn’t know... I don’t know..

Well.. now we have poked a whole in the whole thing... I don’t feel like exploding anymore.. but now im just sad.. and concerned...

I haven’t seen him all day...

He left earlier today.. to visit his parents.. appearantly that didn’t go so well.. when I called him he said they had had a figth.. at least his sister was there...  He is going to visit some friends later on the evening.. he hope they can calm him down.. I hope so too...

Im just SO worried! what if I don’t see him tommorow?.. what if something happends????... Im just so worried...

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I am sorry if I make many spelling mistakes.. its hard to write with these pawed hooves.

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I tried?

Today i Tried talking to my boyfriend about it...  I used an hour trying to say the words.. “we need to talk”..

But the closer I got to saying the words, the harder my heart was pounding! I could feel how the panic spreaded from my feet to my head! I was so close.. but the words stuck on my tounge.. my mouth closed, my jaw was stuck, and no matter how hard I tried to open it, it wouldn’t!

I could’t do it today.. even though it was under perfect conditions.. we were both alone, and he wasn’t doing anything.. just surfing the net.. there would have been no distractions..

I don’t know.. am I scared? or is it my instinct trying to tell me something??

maybe it just isn’t time yet...

[cuprikorn]

mom, i can’t reach! by Andrew Evans via Flickr please don’t remove credit, add/promote your blog, or claim as your own

[classyhustleronline-deactivated]

by  Carsten

[gryfalck-deactivated20220430]

[moody-nature]

mountains and forests, part three | By Danielle Nelson

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What do you do..

When your famely thinks that you should not live with your boyfriend.. because he has a depression.. and has tried killing himself 3 times now.. 

you already live with him, but he wants to move to another city... the school you want to go to, is in the city you already live in... But your boyfriends depression keep getting worse.. he wants to live near his friends, wich is totally understandable.. Life is hard..

Your family whants you to have a long distance relationship.. and move into seperate apartments... You yourself doesn’t mind to take the train two hours a day to school.. even though you have never tried that before.. 

Your family is concerned that you, yourself, will get sick too, if you keep living with him... and that they can’t help you as easely when you move to another city..  you want to do both.. the freedom of living on your own without having to take every responsebility for another person seems nice~ But living with your beloved is the nicest thing in the world! even if it is hard..

He once told you he couldn’t do a long distance relationship.. that was a year ago.. you have no Idea if he still feels like that...

He needs you.. his family is a bunch of cold hearted jerks.. you feel as if you are the only ligth in his pitch black world..

so... what do you do? 

Do you listen to you family and maybe break up with the love of your life? live your life alone and in regret...

or do you move with him to the other city.. and maybe become sick, depressed and even more lonely than before...

do you talk with him about it, and hope for the best? you do have to talk to him about it at some point... 

[wierddeer-blog]

Money

Don’t get stressed about other peoples money!! If you freak out everytime they talk to you about it, they don’t want to talk to you about it anymore.. there is nothing more stressfull than when other people gets stressed about your economy....

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My head hurts... I have been wearing contactlenses for the first time today!

woh..

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Kinder Pinguin

Im so angry! and everything suck!!!

...but at least I have a kinder pinguin...*nom*