Reasons why, "And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't" is haunting me weeks later:
There's a self-awareness here that wouldn't exist if Crowley only just realized he and Aziraphale act like a couple once Nina said it. He's known this for a long, long time to say they've both been pretending
Relatedly, Crowley says it's mutual. He thinks Aziraphale has acted like a romantic partner towards him, knows it, and has been in denial
Crowley thinks they've been like a couple since the beginning. It's not, "We've spent the last 100 years pretending that we aren't" or "We gradually drifted from our sides and formed our side." He thinks their relationship has been fundamentally the same their entire lives
The voice crack
How frightened Aziraphale is that Crowley is breaking the rules of their little unspoken dance and actually calling out what they are
oh op i love you for saying it, because i kept seeing posts joking about crowley only just realizing his love for aziraphale after nina mentioned it and this was not what surprised him and later (after another conversation) convinced to tell aziraphale about his feelings.
i think the shock on crowley’s face - that scene where the background went extra blurry - from nina mentioning that his relationship with aziraphale as a “love life” had more to do with how casually and matter-of-factly she was about it. because in crowley’s (and definitely aziraphale’s too) mind them having this human physical relationship with him was unthinkable for the same 6000 years. he has always been conscious of his love for aziraphale, BUT it has always existed somewhere between the lines and in the safety of his own head. so that heaven and hell could not come to his home and burn it down, he had to keep his love unreachable for them but it also meant that for himself too. crowley quite literally never touches aziraphale - unless it’s accidental (like the church and the handing over the books moment) or the literal end of the world (they stopped time together + the “jim” miracle). but both crowley and aziraphale knew of their love for each other. the existing two seasons are literally about that, and what was stopping them.
what was revelatory for crowley was the idea that actually he could have those things now too. to have this love present in physical reality rather than be implied, rather than tiptoeing around it and speaking obscurely of it. that’s why he tells aziraphale straightforwardly in the end, that’s why he kisses him. because that’s what made their relationship different from it was before, not the sudden realization like “i’m in love with my best friend”, they knew that before, they didn’t dare to hope though that it could be something they could reach and touch.
ADDITIONALLY, this is also a nod to the queer themes of the show, and why did crowley go through with his confession despite knowing that aziraphale would leave? of course he wanted him to know, but i think it was incredibly important for crowley’s own identity. to speak out loud of his love, to kiss aziraphale meant to make things real, destructible by heaven and hell and yet not fearing anymore, or, to be precise, accepting this risk as lesser to his love. the scene is an “i’ve bared my heart for you, this is the most precious and vulnerable part of me and it’s yours” and “i know it’ll change nothing but this for me too”. like this is me, i’m here, but we are here too, and we are in love and it is real. it’s like them holding hands and casting a miracle together and trying to conceal it as much as possible and crowley poking at the fabric of reality and then going like huh it’s like it’s not there at all cool and then this fucking miracle is gigantic and apparently sending ripples through reality. it’s very much there in fact.
and this parallels somewhat with the experience of coming out and how life-changing it is. like of course a person knows they’re queer way before they tell anyone, but to hear the words said, come out from your own mouth, solidifies your presence in the reality somehow, and the world is, for better or for worse, different afterwords. the fabric of reality has been altered, so to speak.
i suspect such experience, as i have described it more or less metaphorically, is applicable to love confessions in general, but you know in media it would just be a break-up scene, were it some other show, crowley would not have the courage to keep talking after being interrupted with these horrible news, he’d take aziraphale’s decision as a sign not to bother confessing. but crowley needs it too and i think that’s because his love for aziraphale is not the solo reason for his confession. it’s about who he is for loving aziraphale and owning it.
and crowley refusing to be turned into an angel contributes to this as well, the one thing he wouldn’t do for aziraphale is give up who he is.
