Tick tock, 2 minutes pass. Tick tock, 5 minutes pass. Tick tock, 30 minutes pass. Tick tock, 2 minutes pass. I layed in bed unable to eat and occasionally sleep and cry. I was so shocked and stunned at what had happened. The friends who brought me up when I was at my lowest had pushed me back down. In a way I had kinda saw this coming. <<< And that right there is the reason it all happened. I let my inner thoughts get to me.
I guess you could say it was their way of defending themselves. I tried to push them out of my life, and because I did that, it lead to them pushing me out of their lives. I had admitted in every way that I was wrong, but to them it was an unforgiving event.
Losing my best friend yet again had to be the worst part. I knew I was wrong and I was willing to fix and work things out, but he didn’t see that fit enough. He didn’t want to be best friends anymore, he just wanted to be friends. I couldn’t live with that, we had went through so much to just be friends. If he wanted distance he could’ve gotten it.
Last night I had chilled with Brandon and he was telling me Armando’s side of the story. The way Brandon had explained it to me was a whole lot better than what Armando explained it to me. I was so mad and frustrated that I just wanted to chill already. Had Armando explained things differently, I think that I would’ve been more understanding. But I also need to understand that when I get the slightest bit scared about loosing something, I freakout and think the worst.
I think the worst part is, is that I wasn’t given any second chance with this group of friends. There was no second chance, it didn’t exist. In our final argument with Adriana and Norma, it was the ‘you made a mistake, deal with it.’ method. Armando was the worst, I had made one mistake. And I was going to fix it and do better, but he still didn’t want our best friendship. Out of all my friends I have ever made, I wasn’t expecting this kind of response from all of them specifically.
The scary part is, is that the only thing I had going for me was Lirn More. A company started by me, Max, and Armando. It was the only thing I had after recovering from homelessness. All my happiness and thankfulness came from them. Now its gone and I’m truly at square one again.
I’ve realized my mistakes fully and i truly understand them, but the question is, do they understand theirs? As humans we’re all prone to making mistakes, let it be small, big, or huge. While I presented myself to them as a weak friend, I still know that deep down I am stronger than them. Some how having friends that actually acted like they cared made me weak. I wasn’t use to it, so it made me paranoid and scared every time i thought one or all would betray me.
The way I see it is “You thought we were gonna leave you, well guess what now we will.” I don’t think the group’s reaction was necessary and I don’t think my reaction was necessary. I cried because I had a future in mind with all of them, I cried because I didn’t want to lose the people who actually “Cared” about me, I cried because I didn’t want to lose the best friend I worked to hard to earn their trust, I cried because the company experience wouldn’t be the same, and I cried because I had never in my life felt so attached to a group of friends. I felt emotionally attached this time. It wasn’t like the other groups I had, this one was different. We were suppose to be a family, we were suppose to be a successful family together. We had goals, obstacles, and more importantly dreams. Dreams that we were supposed live together.
Losing them as a whole (Including my best friend) all at once had taught me something. I am still strong and I am still Willard Jenkins. If I ever find a great group of friends like them again, and I will at some point, at least I have this to look back on and remember to not lose yourself in all that care. As for a best friend: Get close to someone, get as close as you can, but don’t create your own weapon, because your weapon can shoot you down by leaving you in a fraction of a second.
It’s back to the drawing board, and back to no friends. Until I can pick myself up again, I’ll be here in bed. Crying occasionally and trying to find the strength to delete anything related to them on my computer, phone, and website.
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