Every once a week, heck, maybe it has became more frequent than I had noticed, I would be hating myself even more than usual. Regretting every single thing that I had done. At that moment of time, everything would be spilling into my head like a jar overflowed with flowing water. They are all the memories that are still haunting me despite being so old and ancient that no one remembers except me. Feeling guilty despite being forgiven. But am I truly have been forgiven by others? I don't know. I am a sinner. I am not nice and I hate that. I wish I could be kinder, wiser, calmer. Not the way I am now. I wish I could change but everything crumbles at that moment of time when it’s uncontrollable. I wish I could be happier but everything seems so sad. I wish and I wish and I wish but I can never fulfill the wishes. The wishing well is overflowing as I kept throwing the coin for one more wish. How do one love yourself? How do one live and accept everything that you had done without feeling guilty? How do one not worry about every single thing? On good days, I could be laughing and I feel happy inside like nothing can go wrong but on bad days, I woke up to feeling sad and empty. Guilty. Guilty is the word. Guilty is the source; the aetiologies of this disease. Everything starts from feeling guilt. How do one forgive oneself? I need help but everything I tried to get one. My ego won’t let anyone break in. The walls that I have built all these years won’t crumble down like it’s made out of biscuit. It has been reinforced again and again over these years. Is there anyone who could overcome this wall and help me? Will there be a time for me to finally learn how to accept it? I don’t know.
