whichever one of you bitches or group of bitches has it out for ellie (who btw is one of the nicest fucking people ever) deserve the absolute worst in life. what the hell is wrong with you that you take time out of your day to report someone’s blog who puts time and effort into a silly harmless little hobby. if you’re butthurt that she responded to ur rude anon in kind then fuck off. i actually hate you and hope karma comes and fucks you over one day. get out of this community and don’t fucking come back no one wants you here.
hi everyone, i hate to be making this post but my blog has been flagged as mature again. i don’t know who has been reporting me, but congratulations you won.
i’m not having a battle with tumblr anymore, i’m fully quitting. i’ve really enjoyed my time here, but creating another blog would be extremely time consuming for me, and i don’t want to do that again.
Summary: it's back, version 4
ab x reader
word count 3159
very sorry for the wait, but thank you to everyone who sent me ideas <3
ALFIE HAD NEVER denied you anything maliciously during your entire relationship. He was a wonderful boyfriend. You couldn’t ask for better. That didn’t mean you were going to make things smooth sailing for him. At some point or another you needed to test him to keep him on his toes. And everyone knew you loved teasing him with your Tiktoks.
The two of you had gone out for some food. A lazy day in the flat had felt unproductive— he insisted you needed to go outside at some point so it didn’t feel like a waste of a day.
Now here you were, reading through the menu as your stomach growled angrily.
“What are you getting? I don’t know what I want.”
“You never know what you want,” he muttered.
“I want you,” you flirted, brushing your foot against his calf under the table.
He paused to look at you, head tilting just a tad. “Eat first.”
You sighed, but made your mind up anyway. You needed to be ready when the server came over. There was a flutter in your stomach thinking about putting your plan into place, but you were sure it was excitement more than nerves.
“What can I get for you, love?”
You smiled innocently. “I’ll have the cheese burger, please.” You looked at Alfie who was still studying his menu. He was completely unaware of what you were planning. Now was the time. ”Can I get fries with it, Alf?”
It didn’t click for him at first. He nodded his head, then paused when his brain seemingly caught up. He looked at the waitress nervously, then back at you, a nervous laugh tumbling out of his mouth. The waitress was glaring at him. “Why are you asking me? You can get whatever you want.”
You smiled, acting like that wasn’t out of the ordinary. “Thank you. I’ll have that with fries then, please.”
She jotted down the order on her notepad, turning to Alfie when she was done with a look of disgust. “And you?” she hissed.
You covered your mouth with your hand, trying not to make it too obvious that you were holding in your laughter. You hadn’t meant to turn the waitress against him, but you appreciated that she was on your side even without any context. He didn’t feel like he could breathe until the woman walked away, leaving the two of you to discuss whatever the hell just happened.
He was baffled that you were acting as though this was all normal. “What was that about?”
You shrugged. ”What do you mean? I didn’t know if you’d want me to have fries.”
“Why would it matter if you had fries?”
“Well, I’ve been putting a bit of weight on recently and I was worried you might notice, or start feeling differently about me.”
He frowned, reaching for your hand over the table. “I couldn’t care less about your weight. You are so beautiful to me, no matter what. I need you to know that.” He squeezed gently. “I love you.”
His words were incredibly sweet. It made your heart soar. The smile that creeped onto your face and your look to your phone gave you away.
His face fell immediately. ”Are you winding me up?” You angled your phone so he could see that you’d been recording this whole time. He huffed. “Fuck sake, man. I’m not taking you anywhere anymore.”
You laughed loudly. “I love you.”
“Shut up.”
user the fear in his face
user why was he actually really sweet
user waitress is a real one
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Part of you felt bad bothering Alfie with Tiktoks when he looked as comfortable as he did. He was lounged on the sofa with you, your legs in his lap
“Alf, I forgot to tell you.” His head turned slightly, although his eyes never left the TV. That was his way of showing you he was listening. “I saw a bird earlier today.”
“Yeah, and I saw a fucking rocket on my sofa.” His over the top roadman voice always made you roll your eyes. This time you sent a look to the camera, letting them know you didn’t approve. People in the comments would be loving the banter from you.
“Alf,” you whined, nudging his leg with your foot.
He grinned, head lolling to the side to look at you properly now. You hated how attractive you thought he looked like this. You were trying to pretend to be mad at him and all you could think about was how much you loved him. “I’m sorry. Tell me about your bird, girl.” His hand rubbed up and down your leg gently.
“It was pretty. You would have liked it.”
“What kind of bird was it?”
You shrugged. “Not sure, but it was green.”
He nodded, tapping his thumb against your knee. “Sounds nice. You’ll have to take a picture for me next time.”
You smiled. This had gone significantly better than you thought it would. It also probably wasn’t how his audience thought it was going to go when they asked you to try it with him. You were pleasantly surprised. “Yeah, I will.”
You set your phone down next to you. It was still recording but you paid it no mind, getting up from your seat to clamber into his lap, pressing kiss after kiss to his face. His arms came to wrap around you, a little unsure where the sudden burst of affection came from.
“What’s got into you?”
You sighed dreamily, slouching into his hold. “You’re just so nice to me,” you mumbled.
“‘Cause I love you.”
user whipped
user why's he proper cute
user my bf would have told me to fuck off
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“Alf?” Your voice echoed as you called for him. You didn’t know where he was hiding, or what he was doing, but there was never a bad time to wind him up.
“Yeah?”
“What you doing?”
“Streaming.”
Perfect. A live reaction for the people.
You came trotting down the stairs, grinning at him. He should have known you were up to something just from the look on your face. Sometimes he was too naive when it came to your tricks. Even the stream had a feeling they knew what you were up to and you hadn’t even opened your mouth yet.
His arm wrapped around your waist, tugging off his headphones so he could hear you properly. “You okay?”
You hummed, checking your hair in the camera to make sure you looked okay. He smiled at the sight of you, reading over the chat in case he needed to get them back in line. “Have a question.”
“Shoot.”
“I was texting Sabina and she said ‘IDK’, what does that mean?”
His brow furrowed, fingers briefly pausing on his keyboard. He looked up at you. He was 90% sure you were pulling his leg, but the look on your face did seem so genuinely confused that somehow he was convinced. And he had an innate desire to always help you. That was his downfall. “I don’t know.”
“Oh. You don’t know? I’ll ask someone else.”
He frowned. “No, babe, it means I don’t know.”
“Why do you keep telling me you don’t know? I’ll just google it or something.”
“Mate. It means I don’t know.” His voice was getting louder. You tried not to laugh at how frustrated he was getting.
“Why are you shouting at me? Chat, tell him to stop shouting.”
He scoffed, waving around the hand that wasn’t resting on your back. “Shouting? You– You’re actually so–” He huffed, slouching back in his chair to try and not let the frustration get the best of him. “Are you winding me up?”
You grinned. “Course I’m winding you up.”
“Go away, you’re banned from the stream.”
You rolled your eyes. “Do you all see how mean he is?”
“Away!”
Your giggles echoed as you wandered out of frame. You might not have a Tiktok to post, but no doubt clips would be floating around soon enough. You couldn’t wait to watch this again.
user that was mean, do it again
user she's literally funnier than him
user ur mrs ragebaits ab
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Your phone was set up on the bathroom counter. It looked quite real if Alfie was to walk in. You weren’t sure how he was going to react to this one considering his job. Over the years you’d had to sit and listen to him say countless strange things for his videos, and you rarely made fun of him. But Alfie loved to poke fun at you. So who knows.
“Hey guys, get ready with me for bed.”
A loud laugh came from inside your bedroom. You covered your mouth so you didn’t laugh yourself. You thought he was done, but when he replayed it in his head, he started laughing again.
You tried to scold him, but you were giggling right through it. “Alfie, shut up. I’m trying to film. I don’t interrupt you when you’re making videos.”
You could still hear him giggling to himself in the bedroom. If you were doing this for real, you probably would have been annoyed. Now though you were struggling to hold in your laugh. Your smile was bright. Anyone could tell your relationship was filled with love.
“I’m gonna start with my skincare. I do all these steps religiously, every day.”
The snort laugh he did was loud. “You literally don’t do that. Tell them how many times I’ve had to take your makeup off after you’ve fell asleep.”
You huffed loudly. “Shhh.”
There was some rustling in the next room and within the next minute he was standing at the bathroom door, leaning against the door frame. He didn’t say anything straight away, he was just lingering like he was too shy to ask. You knew what he was up to. He didn’t like feeling left out. He was so sweet.
“Do you need something?”
“Can I join?”
You could have cried at the hopeful look on his face. “It was a prank, but of course you can, look at your little face,” you cooed, reaching over to squish his cheeks together. He wouldn’t do this for anyone else. You kissed him, once, twice and a third time just for luck. “You love me so much.”
user when is it my turn
user the eyes never lie
user hey so, delete this
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“Hi guys, welcome to our live.”
You leaned into the camera, pretending to read. “Is it just me or does Alfie look shorter than usual today? No, he’s always about 5’8.”
He scoffed. His height was something he wore proudly. Tall and muscular were the first two adjectives he would use to describe himself in any situation.
“Wait, scroll up a bit. I missed that one.” You tried to hold in your laugh as you pretended to scroll on the screen. “Is that the girl with the biggest rack in the world? Woah guys calm down, that’s my Mrs.”
You rolled your eyes.
“Why does the guy kind of look like Frank Gallagher from Shameless?”
His whole face fell. “I don’t, do I?” He grew nervous when you didn’t answer him. He tapped your knee, trying to get your attention. “Nah, like actually, tell me I don’t.”
“There’s no way he pulled her… she’s way out of his league. Tell me about it.”
“Oi! Why are you doing 2?” He nudged you a little out of the camera frame, using his big shoulders to block you from sight. “Is that the girl that scranned a whole share bag of m&ms in one sitting, even though you were meant to be sharing? Yeah, actually.”
He visibly saw you deflate behind him.
“You said you wouldn’t tell anybody about that,” you whined. It did hurt your feelings a little bit, but you were playing it up to make him feel bad. Tears lined your eyes as you looked at him, bottom lip jutted out so he knew you were upset.
He immediately went into grovelling mode, pulling you into his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He rubbed your arm, feeling like potentially the worst boyfriend in the world for upsetting you. He pulled an awkward face at the camera. “We’ll cut that one out, I’m sorry.”
user he’s in the doghouse
user spoiler alert: they didn’t cut that one out
user a girl’s got to eat, leave her alone
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“Okay, so before you freak out, I need you to hear me out.”
Alfie knew something was up from the moment you made him pause the film. He didn’t like how weirdly serious you got about whatever this was. Of course he was going to freak out if you told him not to freak out. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“No, it’s fine. I just know you’re going to be dramatic.”
“Me? Dramatic?”
You looked at him blankly. He waved his hand for you to continue. “So, you know how I’ve got the doctors next week to get my coil changed?” He hummed. If it wasn’t part of the prank you would have kicked off at how he was lying. You’d never had a doctor’s appointment next week, or a coil, both things he should have known.. “They need you to come with me. Apparently they need to measure you so they know how long to cut the string for my coil.”
His brows furrowed. He didn’t get it. “Measure what?”
You were going to have to be more obvious. Your eyes flickered down to his crotch and then back up to his face. He followed your movements, but it took another minute or two to click. When the penny finally dropped, he sat up straight. “What? No.” He was shaking his head rapidly. “That’s awful. Are you having me on? Surely they don’t need me for that.”
“That’s what they said. It’s so the end of the string doesn’t catch you when we, you know.”
Somehow he looked even more horrified now. “What the fuck.” He didn’t even know that was a thing, but now that he was thinking about it, he couldn’t stop. It was making his skin crawl to think about touching it inside of you by mistake. He wasn’t normally so squeamish, but something about this was making him very uncomfortable.
“No doctor is measuring my dick. How would that even work? It’s always, like, different sizes and shit.” He was actually spiralling. “I don’t know if I can. What if, like, he’s not up for it that day. I don’t want them thinking I’ve got a small dick.”
You giggled. “I don’t know, that’s just what they told me.”
“Can’t they just take my word for it? Or, like, you do it. I know he’d be up for it if you were the one holding it.”
You swatted his arm. Everytime he referred to his dick as ‘he’ you cringed a bit internally. “You’re making it a big deal. It’ll be fine. Probably really quick.”
“You don’t get it. Some random guy is gonna violate my pride–”
“You’re gonna be violated? Where do you think a coil goes?”
He paused, opening his mouth and then closing it when he realised you were right. He didn’t have a leg to stand on here. No matter how awkward it would be to get that done, you were going to go through something much worse. And you were only getting it for him– so he didn’t get you pregnant. Love was about compromise. So he sighed, and you could see the moment he gave in.
“I mean, okay. Obviously I’ll do it if you need me to, but–” he shivered, dramatically, “just the thought of it is stressing me out.”
You reached over and rubbed his arm, pouting your lips sympathetically. “Poor baby.”
You would say your prank was pretty successful. He was uncomfortably squirming for the next 15 minutes while your film played, until something seemingly clicked in his head. His head turned your way so fast it was a miracle he didn’t break his neck. “Hang on, you don’t even have a fucking coil.”
user what if he's not up for it 😭
user i'll measure it 🙋♀️🙋♀️
user i volunteer as tribute
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Trying to talk Alfie into doing a Tiktok with you was painful. If he really loved you as much as he claimed he did, he would do it no questions asked, instead you were having to plead and promise all sorts of things to get him interested. You weren’t even that fussed, you just really wanted to embarrass him and you knew this would do the trick.
“Alfie, please. Just try it.”
He shook his head. The whole point of this walk in the countryside was peace and quiet, not for you to torture him with your silly trends. “No. Leave me alone.”
You squeezed his arm. “Please. I’ll blow you when we get home.”
His eyes went wide. “Really?”
You hummed, biting your lip to contain your smile. “Really.”
How could he say no to that?
Obviously for the joke to work he had to go first. He was trying to psyche himself up every time he saw someone approaching, but then he’d take one look at your phone angled towards him and completely bottle it. 3 times he did that before you considered giving up.
“Stop being such a pussy,” you teased.
He glared at you. “I’m not being a pussy. You’re being a pussy.”
“Yeah, yeah.” You motioned to the dog walker coming towards you. “Now’s your chance.”
He sucked in a sharp breath. He was a grown man, he needed to stop being pathetic. He could totally do this.
Alfie plastered a smile on his face, trying to look as friendly as possible. “Alright, mate?” he called. That was the ‘A’-- not that you were planning to go any further.
The man nodded with a tight lipped smile, walking past you both like Alfie was an utter weirdo. You saw the shame cross your boyfriend’s face immediately.
You couldn’t hold your laughter in, doubling over and probably scaring off some wildlife with the sheer volume of your giggling.
Alfie was crouched on the floor, head in his hands. He didn’t know if he’d ever been more embarrassed. His cheeks were burning a bright pink and he couldn’t stop groaning as the moment replayed over and over in his head. “Why did you make me do that? That was horrible. Ugh, I feel sick.” And it was all on video.
“It wasn’t that bad.”
Both of you knew you were lying. It wouldn’t have been that bad if he wasn’t so painfully awkward about it.
He continued to shake his head, hitting the ground like he’d been pulled straight out of a drama show. “Not worth the blowjob.”
You scoffed, letting out a shocked laugh. “Fuck you!” But at least you got your video.
some days i wake up and think yk what i could pull alfie buttle. like that could have been me on that date and no one could know… yeah let that sink in.
