memories of dance and cages
i still think sometimes about how when i was 12 or so i was dolled up by my stepmother with my father's approval to go dance with a young man who had just recently turned 18, who had taken a bit of a fancy to me. i don't think they knew he was that much older than me, but they seemed to approve of the idea of me mingling regardless. i always wanted to dress up and dance and for some reason there was a prom happening...
the guy thought i was much closer to his age, maybe 16 or 17, as i always looked much older than i was and freaked out when he learned my actual age and immediately backed off. i'm glad for it. he seemed like a nice guy despite the misunderstanding.
it was, however, at the asylum i was forced into for skipping school because of the bullying and abuse i kept suffering. i sometimes had meltdowns because of the intense c-ptsd i faced and autistic accommodations being constantly refused to me, which was one of the justifications for locking me up for almost two years. i could visit family sometimes but... it wasnt enough to keep me from mentally fracturing
the following year i danced with another older teenager who was the man who groomed and abused me at the facility (who i generally refer to as my first ex, who is the basis for characters like ku'orii who will show up in e:soh ch2 and wolfgang who will show up in returntale eventually)
my mom's side of the family did not do terribly much to stop it besides perhaps warning me insistently not to see him sometimes. they fully had the ability to not permit me to see him, and simply did not, for a reason that remains unknown to me in retrospect.
my dad tried to take more steps to stop it, catching me in communications with him and forbidding me from continuing, but, i just made a new email account and continued anyway, and i was instructed by my ex not to speak to my dad outside of necessary contact and visits. he wanted to be the one to speak to him for me. it was abusive and to be honest really fucking cringe.
i just wish, just once, i could have had a normal fucking dance. ive always dreamed of being the princess in a slow dance with... probably another princess or at least someone who isnt a man please. i want to be twirled and dipped and held. i don't know if i will ever get something like that, to feel pretty and wanted in that specific, admittedly overly sappy and gross romanticized way.