Windows & Warriors

An ordinary girl living an ordinary life and sharing all the extraordinary perspectives along the way through a realistic, online diary entry. #JudgementFreeZone

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

I Made A Decision Today

I made a decision today.

I decided to move forward with my dreams. They say dreams don’t come true unless you work for them, unless you really, really want them, and unless you chase it with everything you’ve got.

Legs are tired from running? Run harder.

Brain is exhausted from planning? Plan more.

Emotions are drained from over-thinking? Think harder.

Get it. Get what you want. If they turn you down, turn up your passion a little bit more. Turn up at the events. Turn up in their piles of applications over and over and over and over. Keep working.

Get that goal. Rearrange your plays, figure out new moves, work harder. Never cheat, but get that goal no matter what it takes from you. 

If it takes 100 sleepless nights and 10,000 days of never quitting, then get through it. That’s what coffee is for. 

Put the truth out there because the truth is that you’re going to succeed at your dreams. 

Make you decision to chase your dream, no matter how hard it is. If you want it bad enough, the difficulty doesn’t matter. It’s worth it. It will all be worth it.

Today I made the decision to pursue my career, one step at a time. I’m not ready for the force in full force. I’m ready to be a part of a team of auxiliary officers who love my community like I do, who want to change the world, and who are ready to be mentored by their heroes.

They told me never to meet my heroes, but I meet them every chance I get because it humbles me in ways I can’t express. Meeting my heroes challenges me and reminds me how much I can achieve if I pursue it hard enough.

I can do it, one step at a time, one goal at a time, one game at a time. I will get my goal, I will win.

Today I made a decision, and I’m making my move. 

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

I’ve Been Gone

I’ve been away. I’ve been very much “here”, physically, but away.

I’ve been trapped in a space where I’m detached. 

I’m confused.

I’m not sure what my move is; I’m starting to think there isn’t a move left.

But like everything, “just one more...” 

Running? One more step.

Breathing? One after the other.

Sports? Just one more goal.

I will find a way, I will find one more move.

I’ll get out of this trap.

But until then, I’m going away. I need to be separated from this.

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

Tough as Diamonds

Diamonds are one of the most incredible and precious items to humankind. We are in awe about their ability to form, perfectly, under immense pressure and morph into a solid state that is capable of capturing light and reflecting it back to us like magic. 

Wedding bands, engagement bands, and promise rings often showcase these diamonds amidst a softer metal, representing the ability to stay strong when things get tough, proving that beautiful memories can often form as a result of ugly moments, and shining even on the darkest days. Encased in a ring, a symbol of unity and infinity, it stands out, often on top, as a reminder that while unified, it is powerful, and strong.

What happens when that relationship breaks down? What happens when everything that ring represents no longer exists? One cannot just wear the ring, but removing it from possession is equally as tough as putting it on again. 

Suddenly, the light reflected off the diamond is more toxic than magic. The metals become worn down and damaged, seemingly on its own, as if to say, “here are the memories that destroyed what this ring represents”. Suddenly, something you couldn’t bear to go without, becomes the thing you can’t bear to be with. Like a switch, the ring has become a toxic item that, when worn, sends your blood running cold. 

We made our mistakes, each of us. We were human, and we always will be. We will make many more mistakes. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the wicked decision I made that night in May of 2015, but it is time I make a strong decision and forgive myself. It is time I let go, it is time I move forward. It is time for me to break the infinite loop of memories this ring has strung me along on. 

It is time for me, like the diamond, to build under pressure rather than break. It is time for me to form, to shine, to become, and be mounted atop a life I am proud of. It is time for me to move forward and cut myself off of the regrets that I have allowed myself to be victim to for far too long. 

It is time for this beating heart, made of the very carbon diamonds are formed of, to beat again, stronger and harder on its own. I have suffered the immense pressure this world has put me under and I am ready to be found. I am ready, now, to be discovered for the person I am capable of being. 

While I loved you, I loved you wholly. I will always love you, but only a with a portion of my heart. The portion that has taught me resiliency, strength, independence, understanding. I will love you with the part of my heart that allows me to be fearless in pursuit of what sets the rest of my life on fire, and I will love you fiercely until the day we are separated from Earth, but I will not love you infinitely, I will not love you as strongly, I will simply love what you made me capable of, who you made me capable of becoming. I will love what was, and I will love what is to come but in a different way than I did.

Today, the 24th of June, in 2019, I will separate our rings from my life to symbolize the separation we made many years ago. It took me a long time to overcome this hurdle and to truly accept what was, what is, and what will be, but now I am ready.

I am ready to love wholly again.

I am ready to be loved again.

I am strong, I am united with the world and myself again, and I will love infinitely. 

I have formed under immense pressure. And I will shine in the brightness of day, the darkness of night. I will be tossed around, scratched, perhaps cut deeply, but I will never break. I will never surrender to what was. I will simply, wholly, become what I am supposed to be.

[sunsetquotes]

“There are people we meet in life who miss being important to us by inches, days, or heartbeats. Another place or time or a different emotional frame of mind and we would willingly fall into their arms; gladly take up their challenge or invitation. But as it is, we encounter them when we are discontent or content and they are not. Whatever they are, we are not and vice versa. Two trains going in different directions that pass for a few powerful moments at full speed, blasting noise and wind but then they are gone. Whatever serious chemistry might have been possible if, isn’t.”

— Jonathon Carroll

[rhsin]

“he’s just a plot twist. a man who claims to love you but disappoints you in the end.”

— r.h. Sin 

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

Please Think About It

Please think about it before you kill yourself.

I mean, really, think about it.

Think about it when you’re having a normal day.

Think about it when you’re having a bad day.

Think about it when you’re having a sad day.

Think about it when you’re comfortable, when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you’re angry, when you’re confused, when you’re uncertain and when you’re certain, think about it when you’re dreaming, think about it when you’re crushing your own dreams.

Think about it before you do it and make it something you think about every single moment of every single day.

I used to be you.

I was you. 

I was there.

I am there with you.

I am there with you right now, in this very moment.

And I am still thinking about it.

I will think about it forever.

I will think about the nightmares I have endured since I failed to complete it.

I will think about the nightmare I’d have left people with.

I constantly think about those I lost.

Think about it before you do it.

Think about it every single day because those who have survived and those who have survived and lost - we do.

I will not kill myself. I will not commit suicide.

I will not give in. I will not give up.

We all have a different story, but your story can be different.

Trust me. Trust the person who has spent every waking hours never giving up the feeling of wanting to end it. Trust the person who feels what you feel. Trust the person who has come out in the white light and come back. 

Think about it. Think about it every waking moment because if you want it that badly, it’s worth every single waking moment until it happens. Eventually you will realize how much power you have. It might control you, but it will not, ever, consume you.

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

There's Something Beautiful About It

There's something beautiful about the primitive urge to watch weather happen - rain, lightning, the fluidity of the sky as it changes.

It is a brief moment in this high-tech, impressively advanced world we feel most vulnerable yet protected.

It is a natural phenonom that can capture your heart, mind, and soul. Time slows down, the world becomes fresh again.

Allow yourself the chance to watch a thunderstorm once in a while, kid.

Allow yourself to be immersed in a moment; lost in the deafening sound of rain.

Be vulnerable.

It will humble you.

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

Tough times don't last - tough people do

Brett Kissel

[iglovequotes]

https://iglovequotes.net/

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

#100

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

It’s time to be who I am rather than who I’m supposed to be...

Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Avengers: End Game

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

Run like you're bullet proof....

Lee Brice

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

14FT

This isn’t an emotionally triggered post; This post isn’t something I’m writing because of a spark of inspiration; I’m not writing it because I want to record a lesson learned.

I am literally writing this post to remember that I jumped off a 30FT+ platform to free fall 14FT, and slowly descended the remainder. It was the most surreal few seconds of my life. 

I had a breakthrough. I backed down the first time, waited a few moments, and in that time, I learned that I absolutely cannot live without the opportunity to experience, to know, to understand a feeling. 

While the experience was entirely controlled and safe, it was an opportunity that allowed me to be out of control and at the mercy of the universe. 

I would do it again in a heart beat.

I walked off of a metal platform and disappeared for 14FT at a speed I cannot comprehend, after realizing I cannot live with regret, and learning that I need to give myself up to the mercy of the world, the universe, to some kind of saviour. 

You have no idea until you LITERALLY fall, just how safe you are in your most vulnerable moments. 

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

It's not a slam at you when people are rude, it's a slam at the people they've met before.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

[windowsandwarriors-blog]

Stop giving away your heart to people who left theirs with someone else.

SEM

[vodkakilledtheteen]

“I love you,” he said as his eyes melted into hers. “You don’t actually mean it, please don’t say that,” she said. “Why?” his face was puzzled and he tried to hold her hand, but she moved away. “In a matter of days, you’re going to leave me like everyone does. Eventually, you’re going to realize that my heart is too heavy to carry around.  I hate when people tell me they love me because those words have smothered my heart blue too many times,” tears rolled down her cheeks and she tried to contain herself. “I’m not like those other guys,” he said. “You know what? I’m not going to fall for that again,” she walked away knowing she was going to go home and text him and say sorry.

Alexa Evangelista, the book i’ll never finish writing  (via vodkakilledtheteen)

[thegreatgatsbydaily-blog]

I’m not sentimental–I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last–the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise (via thegreatgatsbydaily)

Except I’m entirely sentimental.