.ᐟ Summary: You and your companions embark on a late-night car ride through the city, however, one of your companions happens to be the individual you hold feelings for.
.ᐟ a.n: This is just short something that I thought of while listening to this song sooo enjoy?
It’s late at night. You and your friends had nothing interesting to do, so boredom quickly overtook your beings. Normally, in this situation, you would just stay at home. The classic evening would take turn once again. You would play games, watch whatever show was playing on the TV and spend a good time with your close ones that you loved so much.
There were two companions that were dear to your heart. Jisung, your best friend since childhood, was one of your daily doses of happiness and joy. He was there for you when you needed him the most, helped you when the times were rough, dried your bloodshed tears full of agony, soothed your pain when you got your heart broken and had all the other best friend qualities. He was like your other part. One couldn’t work without the other, and that was the way this relationship worked.
And then there was another boy, Jeongin. The word friend tasted salty on your lips when you dared to say it. You would much rather call him something else. Something more meaningful, perhaps. Soulmate? Boyfriend? Lover? Any of those words sounded better than the word friend. You would be jumping from joy if that was the case. But the reality wasn’t that beautiful and astonishing. Maybe in the future, you can say happily that Jeongin being your friend was the lowest naming of your relationship. The couple wave that can be made up will be full of feelings once it happens. But the thing is, will it happen?
Jisung knew about your crush on Jeongin for a long time, even before you knew about it. Jisung as your best friend knew you so well, and he could read your emotions before your own heart realising their presence. It was a dynamic and a skill that you have grown used to. It was a rather helpful trait that Jisung possessed, making your character easier to understand. Not only that, but it has drawn you to so many new emotions and realizations that were attached to your heart. The center of your being always held a special place for the boy, but never crossed the relationship line. You both talked about it and realized that friendship is the only string that’s going to stay attached between the two of you. For some reason, neither of you ever felt something more for each other. Maybe it was the childhood factor? Maybe it was the lack of romanticism between the two of you? You didn’t know. But you were more than happy about the two of you, and you will continue being as happy.
For Jeongin, it was different. Jisung showed up to one of your regular hangouts with Jeongin by his side. The guy seemed rather reserved at first, but as the hours ticked by, his stiffness decreased and his true self slowly showed. Jeongin was rather bubbly when with people he’s comfortable. Playing games with both of you and when he went on a losing streak the shouting and hurt from loosing echoed through the room. You started observing him without you noticing it. The way his hair fell into his face by time, how he raked through it to make it look more presentable, how his eyes snarked their way and perked at surprise - just like a fox. His habits were also what caught your attention. His long skincare routine that you caught a glance of when the three of you had a sleepover, the way he eats his stupid fries and how his facial expressions speak volumes. But his personality is what got you and completely overtook you. His personality was art itself. Kindness that was natural and not forced, occasional shyness that flew through his veins. And you could go on and on. It was ridiculous how much this man captivated you.
And now, the three of you are in your seats of Jisung’s car. All of you got bored at home, sighing and almost crying from boredom. Late night rides were something that all of you liked and desired when you got tasteless. So without thinking twice, you found yourself in the back of Jisung’s car, Jeongin by your side and loud music cursing through your veins. The mood was already set. You didn’t drink anything yet, but it was definitely on the plans for tonight. Jisung was the driver and master of the vehicle. It was his, and he rarely let someone else drive it. The night was young, but you already felt different.
You raise in your seat, feeling how the air was hugging your body so suddenly in such a cold but freeily refreshing way. Even if you might fall into the abyss of roads and darkness, you wouldn’t care. The fresh wind that flew tangedly across your body made you feel like a completely shifted being, not caring a bit about problems or promises. You just stood, arms in the air, while the car's top was opened.
The freedom you felt in the exact moment was too Neverland like that you couldn’t believe it at first. With the utmost energy in your lungs, you took a deep breath and screamed with such intensity that you felt even more free. With the screaming, you felt like all the negativity and positivity left your body in an instant. This is exactly what you needed. A moment like this in your life. Jisung, that was your car driver, blasted the music even louder. Very probably at its maximum volume, which was really loud. But, you didn’t care. You didn’t care a single bit. With the left strength in your lungs and with your hair flying in every possible direction, you sang. You sang your heart out to the song that was playing, playing in such a way that you suddenly felt like it was hugging you as a whole. You loved this song but listening to it in such state, it really amazed you. The lyrics seem to make way more sense now, the fees of the song were absorbed by your own mind and soul.
The song was you, and you were the song.
When your throat started to burn and your body felt like passing on the road behind you, you decided to plumb back down onto the seats. With the car top closing, and you regaining your breath, the song didn’t stop. Jisung was still in his own world, but Jeongin next to you wasn’t. He was staring at you. He wasn’t twice shameless about it, either. When he took a glance into your eyes and locked his own with them, he couldn’t help but smile. You weren’t drunk. You didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol, but your experience that you lived through just now made you feel like that, but in the best way. With the looks of him and his stare, you couldn’t help but giggle. A series of giggles were coming out of you as the staring prolonged itself. Jeongin laughed himself too after seeing your state of happiness and daze that cursed through your veins.
The moment both of you calmed was way more intense than the realization itself. Gazes locked, souls intertwining as they began to draw itself near. Without you realizing approximately, he came closer.
And closer.
He came so close that you were now inching towards him yourself without worrying about anything else. His lashes that were moving as his stare shifted, skin that was smoother than dolls’ one and hair messy in his face that were like silk itself.
Without thinking twice about the situation and consequences, you closed your feathery eyes and inched into the final breath and proximity, immediately pressing your soft lips against his plump own.
You were kissing Jeongin, and he was kissing you.
That’s something you never thought would actually happen but yet here you are, in the presence of your loved one. His moves were so Jeongin. Right but with a hint of urge. His smell that filled your senses and taste of ebony and sweet night that made you dizzy. Every move of his lip that showed something hidden bloom out of it as he walked the path of love towards you.
Hand of his own that was now on your neck whilst yours was entangled in his soft locks, not planning on letting go anytime soon. The grasp was tight but so good that it wouldn’t loosen up even if you wanted it to.
A soft bite that caught you off guard and made you realise that his tongue was poking your lips. As a gasp left you, the tongue of Jeongin’s rigidly made its way to meet yours. You didn’t fight it, not like you wanted to anyway, and let him find his own pace and space.
He was gentle, much like you thought, but his senses of lust and desire slowly overtook him. His force was now much more present and the kiss felt more powerful, meaningful. He was holding back but going further than making out wasn’t the best idea that you two could make in the moment.
You both slowly pulled away from each other and tried to regain your breathing as much as your realizations. You blinked and turned away, smiling to yourself like a dumb teenage girl after her first kiss, whilst Jeongin leaned back in his seat and kept his eyes on you. Furthermore, you could feel the little smile on his face, but you didn’t look to confirm it.
“You’re unbelievable.” Jeongin’s voice immediately made you perk up and give him a small look before looking away in your own direction.
“Why so?” Your voice was low, much more shy than scary or teasing.
“You need to makeout with me before talking about us.” A blush creeped out and overtook your cheeks before you could control anything else. He was right about it but hearing it from him made it harder.
“So what does that make us?” You looked at him and made your question even more clear and straightforward. You wanted an answer and didn’t want to hear a stupid lie or something bothersome.
“Something more than friends?” That definitely was an answer and you had to think about for a minute. When you were about to bombard your mind with thousand thoughts you caught a glimpse of Jisung’s stare in the mirror. He was smiling in a fond way and more of a relieved one, mainly because the problem of love was about to be resolved. He was happy for both of you, more than happy if he was being honest. It’s true that he didn’t know how the two of you will end up, but at least you wouldn’t live in a constant limbo of thoughts and options. Now, you’ll have a stand. And he’s joyful to witness a moment like this for the both of you.
.ᐟ Author's note: My friend gave me a prompt and I made this? This is my very first one shot so I hope you'll like it.
Ps: If you want to have the best experience, put some classical music in the background
୧ .ᐟ Wana, this is for you
Forelsket - The euphoria you experience while falling in love
Yang Jeongin—not a day goes by where his name doesn't flatter in a conversation. Everyone gossips like crazy. The media are fighting for who will have a better photo of this man, and even the fans don't disappoint. Yang Jeongin is a model, but not a normal one. If we're talking about measure, he's a huge one. The whole of South Korea knows his name by now, and he's aware of it. Despite his popularity, he's definitely not a snobbish person who only takes an interest in himself. Everyone tries to make him seem bad, narcissistic and mostly arrogant. Probably to achieve some sort of victory for themselves. Hundreds and thousands of people are jealous of this man's success and wealth. Success, that was hardly worked for by Jeongin himself. Making himself grow and climb a high ladder full of obstacles and unnecessary weight. That's what his life was all about. From a kid to an adult, without any breaks or time for himself. Being raised into such mindset doesn't help at all. His parents didn't make anything easy for him, it being quite the opposite. Anytime Jeongin craved an answer from his parents, a reason for his mistreatment and under appreciation, he got a simple explanation. Explanation that contained the thought of having to work for everything by yourself. If you want to reach something in life, study and work for it without needing help. You don't need the help of others, even your own family. They perceived him as a strong, self standing man that doesn't struggle with minor occurrences. But the minor occurrence called 'love' is something that no one warned him about. Not even his own mind. His mind didn't even try to trick him into avoiding it, which he deeply wished for.
A few souls caught his attention and blossomed into dating and the thing called 'love'. But those flowers quickly lost their petals, and thorns were the only thing left. Left to rot and spoil into pathetic disarray. To put it simply, most of the people he dated used him for money, fame, and many more things. Not caring about Jeongin's needs for understanding and care. Devastation was a disease, and Jeongin had one. The emotions that Jeongin lived through every time were harsh and sharp with reality and endless disappointment.
It's been a month since Jeongin's last relationship. Many things have changed, including his mindset and some major personality traits. Don't get me wrong, he's a sweetheart and a wonderful man, but he's not that easy to get anymore. Being easy to get is a trait that you physically can't have in relationships, not to mention in the work industry. Many people used that side of Jeongin, which only brought him sorrow and hurt. Some may call him rude or mean, but it's not his true self. His fabulous colors are hidden from the outside world, which is gray and full of black accents. A world that doesn't appreciate the stupendous nature and grace of Jeongin himself.
One thing that has changed is a key person in his work who seems to be his main photographer. His last one didn't like Jeongin. It's weird, isn't it? Jeongin thought so too. He didn't understand why some people would work a job where you spend most of your time fulfilling quotas for someone you hate. Isn't that humorous and impolite? But then again, money move with our world, and the lengths people are willing to go through are insanely long. It's true that his last photographer took more money than he originally thought. Hiring a new one, and, to his surprise, acquiring the cheapest one yet. His suspicion was high, but when he looked through his artwork, which was full of photos and even photos of his own art, it was amazing. He caught himself getting lost in those distinct pieces. Admiring and absorbing those marvelous artworks, he shook his head and looked away from the monitor.
Hwang Hyunjin—that's the name of Jeongin's photographer. The moment Jeongin's manager recommended him and showed him his portfolio, he knew he had to hire him. Even though, on the outside, he didn't really care who this person was. The only thing that mattered was that his work is considerably cheap, and his artwork looks good. So what could go wrong? Getting scammed by him didn't sound valid, and according to the reviews, no one said anything bad. So why not give him a shot?
At the end of the day, Jeongin was very glad that he had indeed hired Hyunjin. Their work connection is good, even great. On some occasions, other photographers took advice from Hyunjin. Many were seeking help, and Hyunjin always caught their eye. So they just flew straight to the source. That itself may sound foolish, but it's what happens sometimes. Both of them know how to get their job done and what to do without having to talk much. That's something both of them value, since neither of them are superb with words.
That's how most people would summarize their work flow. Sure, it's different when you're at your client's studio, where hundreds of different people walk by and order you. The stress and expectations make Hyunjin a bit uneasy, but the true beauty is in their own studio. Quiet, peace—only a loud clicking sound that's heard every time Hyunjin's focus reaches its highest and his confidence tells him to press the camera button. But he would be lying if he said that he focuses on the photo all the time. True, his main focus is on the composition and perfect angle. But maybe his eyes concentrate on the man that's shown on the square display. He can't help but adore the way Jeongin's stylist always makes him look so ethereal and brilliant. A simple job that makes Hyunjin lose his breath all the time. Jeongin was always styled in a way that was atypical, attractive and special. Clothes? Fancy and really fitting, complementing Jeongin's body perfectly. They hugged his figure impressively, with Hyunjin wishing that he could see Jeongin in those clothes for more than these stupid few hours.
"You're staring." The voice was sharp, but warm. Admonishing, but soft. It was a voice that Hyunjin knew very well; at this point, it was like a magical harmony. Hyunjin quickly refocused and shook his head a bit, just to make sense of what's real and what's not.
"Sorry." Hyunjin didn't bother to explain why he was staring or why his voice was so quiet and shaky. To him, it was obvious, and he had to play this safely. On the other hand, Jeongin didn't pay much attention to it. This was a common occurrence by now. He caught him staring numerous times but didn't really care about it, nor did he warn him. He always presumed that Hyunjin was focused on the angles, lights and overall composition. A thought of him looking at him never crossed his mind; he didn't even brush it lightly.
Hyunjin sighed and looked at the photo. "Sorry I set the iso wrong." Few clicks and Hyunjin set it right in the blink of an eye. But afterwards, Jeongin noticed his photographer's change of mood and stopped posing. He walked away from the set and began to walk towards Hyunjin himself. Hyunjin's stare raised, looking at the heavenly creature that was walking towards him. Is he an angel? The next thing he knows is that the younger man is standing next to him, taking the camera and wrapping his fingers around the handle. The photos on the little display changed as Jeongin looked through them and paid attention to every single one of them.
The proximity was a little too much for Hyunjin. Seeing him up close is a whole different level that no one could ever prepare him for. The smell of Jeongin's absurdly expensive cologne was so sharp that Hyunjin will remember it until the day his soul vanishes.
It didn't take much for Hyunjin to realize that he had developed a crush. At first, he wasn't sure if these euphonious feelings would be there forever. And he still isn't; who knows if he'll ever be? But what he did know is that it's the most beautiful but, at the same time, the most frustrating thing Hyunjin has ever experienced.
Beautiful in the sense of spending time with Jeongin. Sure, they don't hang out at all, but at work, it's their time to shine. Seeing him regularly and in his best moments. Seeing those stupid dimples whenever he smiles, his eyes that shine like stars in galaxies, and his perfectly shaped lips. And to his surprise, even the moments of Jeongin's casual state were there to be seen. Sometimes Hyunjin had to come over and have a chat with Jeongin about their work, mostly about Hyunjin's vision as a photographer. There are many spots and places where Hyunjin wants to shoot, most of them being easy to get to. Following this, the moments when Jeongin opens the door are simply the most precious. His hair was a complete mess, and his clothes casual, no fancy and expensive pieces, just a casual shirt and pants. A quick sneak peek is always present when Hyunjin watches the sight. He eyes him up and down, taking in his state.
Frustrating in a sense of desperation. He knows, or at least he thinks he knows, that Jeongin doesn't want a relationship. There wasn't a single hint of Jeongin looking for a significant other. Heck, Hyunjin doesn't even know if he likes men in the first place. It's frustrating to see how someone you like doesn't even take a slight interest in you. The look he wishes to get is nowhere near Jeongin's eyes. If he saw at least a little sparkle in them, he would feel better and slightly more confident in his emotions and feelings. Sometimes he wonders if frustration is a strong enough word. And the worst thing? He doesn't know if he should be frustrated with Jeongin or with himself. Is he making false illusions in his head, making up a world of delusions and wishes? Wishes, that will most likely not happen. It's okay to have a crush, but it's definitely not okay to have an unhealthy obsession with someone who doesn't even acknowledge your grief.
April 14th 2023
And here they are, in a park before sunset. The weather was good—a typical spring afternoon. A warm one, but with a hint of a cold breeze in the air. The sun was slowly setting in, and they're still having enough time for some photos. It was Hyunjin's idea to come here, obviously. The theme of the client's commission fits this setting perfectly, and the view is mesmerizing, full of beautiful, colorful accents.
"What do we think?" Hyunjin asked, playing around with the settings of the camera that was set in his hands and walking towards the spot. Jeongin was walking next to him, absorbing the nature that was surrounding them. As sad as it sounds, he doesn't have a lot of time to go for walks like this. His time is precious, and going for walks isn't in his schedule at all. Hyunjin looked up from the camera and let his gaze fall on Jeongin. Jeongin's eyes held a more sorrowful expression, which broke Hyunjin's heart a bit. Those gloomy eyes didn't suit him at all.
"What's the matter?" A hand landed on Jeongin's shoulder, and his head perked up in Hyunjin's direction. He noticed a slight hint of worry in Hyunjin's eyes. He didn't know why, but it felt nice knowing that someone's at least a tiny bit worried about your emotions. The younger man sighed, breaking eye contact in a quick motion and pulling Hyunjin's hand down from his shoulder. Hyunjin realized what he did, and he felt a bit embarrassed about such a gesture. He cleared his throat and walked again.
"It's just that you seem down." Jeongin knew that worries were acceptable, according to the fact that they were really visible. Still, talking about his feelings and emotions is hard. It's just something that he struggles with and doesn't want to deal with. It's a long and tough way, which he doesn't want to commit to yet. He nodded a bit and smiled, throwing a reassuring look at Hyunjin. This particular look made Hyunjin be more at ease, knowing that he didn't overstep any kind of boundary.
"I'm fine now, so don't worry about me." Suddenly, dimples were shining like stars, and Hyunjin was speechless. He wanted to say something, anything, to change Jeongin's mind and tell him what's wrong. But the more he looked at him, the more he understood him. Opening scars that aren't healed yet is a dangerous game, which he definitely doesn't want to play right now. Hyunjin gave him a small smile back to show that he understood him.
Both of them looked away from each other in awkwardness, not knowing what to say next. Hyunjin cleared his throat once again and pointed at the spot in front of him.
"You can go stand right there." Jeongin nodded back and trailed off. It was a beautiful spot, to say the least. And it was even more beautiful when Hyunjin saw the boy walk and pose for the camera. For a second, he forgot how to breathe. Whenever this sentence was written in a story, he thought it'd be humorous. Thinking, that it's not real. His mind quickly changed its opinion when it saw Jeongin. When Hyunjin looked at Jeongin posing, the beautiful sunset created the perfect scenery behind him. The field of white flowers that was scattered all over the ground, making this the perfect place for literary anything. With almost shaky hands, Hyunjin raised the camera, looked through it, and focused it. His focus was on so many things, not knowing if he should look at Jeongin or the whole photo. After shifting his looks from place to place, a click was heard, and a photo showed on the small camera display. When Hyunjin looked at it, he was left flabbergasted. Utter disbelief flushed his eyes as his gaze stayed locked on the photo. Jeongin looked ethereal and perfect; nothing else could ever compare to this beauty. Not a single being on this planet could've ever existed as handsome as Jeongin. And if so, it was a poor copy of atoms and molecules that didn't carry as much personality and story as Jeongin.
"Are they good?" Hyunjin's gaze perked up, and he didn't even notice that Jeongin was standing right in front of him. Trying to maintain his composure, Hyunjin started to speak. "Actually it's just one photo but-" Before he could finish his sentence, the battery in his camera died. A little battery indicator shined on the display before dying. He looked at the annoying sight and roamed around his pockets, getting reminded that he forgot to bring his extra battery. He groaned and sighed, knowing there's nothing he can do. Jeongin watched him, and it wasn't really comfortable to see him annoyed. But well, his annoyance was valid.
"Let's go take a stroll by the river, then." Jeongin offered, and Hyunjin gave him a surprised face. What's this? He never asked for such a thing. Hyunjin, of course, nodded and smiled a bit. It was such a small gesture, and it made him feel better and even happier. Happy that his angel offered him to spend some alone time with him. Gosh, since when did he become so cheesy? Is this what 'love' does to a person? One thing is certain: He needs to treasure this and keep himself at bay.
The walk was peaceful—a little too peaceful. Private schedules are the best and Jeongin's favorite ones. No fans, no paparazzi, and no annoying cameras - except Hyunjin. His favorite. The only camera that he's willing to stand and look at. Honestly, he never thought that a random photographer would be such a huge part of his career. But not only his career; his life as well.
Lots of thoughts are crossing Jeongin's mind, but the one that keeps bothering him is his fame. Being famous is not easy, and it's definitely not a dream land, as everyone perceives it. Everyone thinks that being famous is just taking photos, shooting videos and doing sponsorships. But it's nowhere near that easy and sweet. Actually, it's hell itself most of the time, if not all the time. Companies force you into stuff you don't feel comfortable doing. Making you sign contracts that take away your whole piece of self. Not being able to express yourself the way you want to, just the way you're told to. Mistakes? There is no room for those. Luckily for Jeongin, his manager has a little bit of sense left in his head. Never pushing him into anything. Only stuff that's ordered from above. Being big in an industry where everyone is secretly praying for each other's downfall is heartbreaking for Jeongin. He never used money to his advantage, let alone bribing someone. Never used a celebrity for his own success or to feed his ego. Maybe that's what makes him special? Not being a complete bastard and having empathy in his veins and mind?
It's definitely something that Hyunjin adored with every single piece of his mind. He and Jeongin grew closer without them knowing, adapting to the messed up word and circumstances they were in. Hyunjin himself didn't understand how much Jeongin meant to him, not until now. Fear of losing him overflowed his senses and even thinking about separation made him sick to his stomach. While talking to Jeongin, Hyunjin could see things he had never saw before. Feel emotions that he never knew existed. Hyunjin hasn't realized for a long time, but Jeongin really is the closest person that he has. Bold to say considering their relationship. It's a heavily work one, built on success and price. Is he that stupid to think that this has anything to do with real love and feelings? Despite his thoughts, Jeongin will forever hold a special place in Hyunjin's heart. A place reserved for him. A place that will never be held by anyone else. Not a single form of living will be able to supplant Jeongin's being.
Only if Jeongin could get the message.
"Hyunjin." When he heard his name escape Jeongin's lips, he immediately got thrown out of his thoughts. Whenever he gets lost in his own head, the sense of what's real and what's not is nonexistent. World stops, basic human needs suddenly don't exist and only the thing that he thinks about is present in every corner of his mind and body. "You're crying."
Silence. The kind of silence that neither of them expected nor did they think that they would get into such a predicament. The mood wasn't able to say how it was feeling. Was this whole thing uncomfortable? Or is it just unknown? They kept standing and looking, not knowing what to say or do. In this situation, normal human beings would say stupid things. Resulting into temporary happiness and peace, but is this what they should do? On one side, there's a person that's deep with unspoken and kept in feelings. And on the other side, there's a person that's not even thinking about such things. A man that's escaping from the whole apprehensive sphere, the beings in there threatening his stand and breaking the solid ground by the form of love.
May 26th 2023
Hyunjin's Diary
I still see you in everything that I do. I keep chasing you with my thoughts, thinking about how things could've gone differently. Furthermore, I will never stop, you know? Those months of work, the amount of feelings we shared and traded. I wish I could talk to you again, just one more time. I wish to not be scared of your reaction. In my years of existing and 'living', I never thought that I would do such a thing. I was scared of separation, yet I still separated us. Isn't that funny? No, I can't use the word funny. Not anymore. It keeps reminding me of you. I've always described and perceived you as a funny person, even though your smiles were rare. Whenever I caught a glance of them, I didn't care about anything else. Wishing you only the best and not wanting anything spiteful to happen to you. But in the end, I hurt you, didn't I? My withdrawal was sudden to you, but it longed in my mind for a good couple of months. I don't want to blame you, even though I did at first. I thought, how can someone be so oblivious? For me, it was clear that my feelings were visible. To this day, I don't know if you truly were that oblivious or if you actually caught them. Neither of that matters anymore, because I can't stand this. The reason I left and resigned was that I simply couldn't stand it. Or, more likely, I couldn't stand myself. Fighting those malicious thoughts every day wasn't going to last forever. I still fight them, trying to understand and befriend them. But it's hard. I don't know for how long I will have to keep fighting this battle. But I know one thing: I won't win it. I can keep trying, but it's not possible. By separating, I made this battle easier for myself, debilitated the enemy's feelings, and strengthened my own. If there's one thing that I wish I could've said while you were in my life, it would be a simple sentence.
I love you Yang Jeongin.
Hyunjin sighed, putting the barely working pen down and looking up at the ceiling. He was tired. Tired of everything that he'd been through. Life took a toll on him, and not knowing what he did, he ended up in such a state. Every single day, these thoughts keep coming back into his head, hoping that they'll be seen by the so-called Jeongin.
Hyunjin shifted his hands, picking up the diary from the table and closing it. But before the book made a closing ruckus, a thin piece of paper fell. Swaying in the air and hitting the ground, Hyunjin crouched and picked it up with his plane hands. When he turned the piece of paper around, his whole being turned pale. He was pale and confused of his own emotions. Emotions that were sudden and unexpected. There was the photo he hid in the depths of his diary. It was the one photo of Jeongin that he took, in spring. It was their last encounter, yet the most memorable one. The spring colors that were sprayed all over the photo were ravishing, being sunkissed by the enchanting sunset. His grip tightened, wanting to tear it apart and make it go away as fast as possible. He wasn't mad, but frustrated. This frustration was very familiar by now, showing and proving his actions and wrongdoings.
March 13th 2024
Rain was the only thing that was going on for the past week. It kept raining and raining, occasional thunderstorms. But something like that never stopped Jeongin from going out, especially it's meaning that fewer fans and annoying cameras would be present. Having alone time is hard, not to mention when you want to go for a walk. So, catching this opportunity, Jeongin immediately took his umbrella and grabbed his coat. Walking out into the cold, rainy weather mixed with a refreshing breeze. It didn't rain too much, but just enough to help him clear his mind.
Walking around, Jeongin stumbled upon a familiar park entrance. He froze, thinking back on the moment of shooting a particular spring commission. And thinking about a specific person. His heart ached, like someone pinched a needle into it. It's been almost a year since the separation, and he's still not sure where Hyunjin went. He left without a word. Not a single letter or a piece of paper with stupid cliché words on it.
Without needing to think twice, his legs were leading him into the park. He didn't need a particular reason or an excuse; he just wanted to go there and think about everything. Will it hurt? Maybe. Does he care? Absolutely not. In the end, it was his fault and his alone. Not thinking twice and forcefully blinding himself, thinking that he's not strong enough to carry the weight of Hyunjin's feelings.
First step into the park, rain hitting a bit more. Suddenly his mind enhanced, feeling like it's burning under the heaviness of limpid raindrops. It was like his skin was aware of every single raindrop that fell.
Second step brought him into his mind, feeling both the rain and the thunderstorm in his head. How is he going to do this? What's his plan, and what is he trying to achieve? Is he just searching for some kind of clue? He doesn't know, and in the end, he doesn't need to know.
Third step feels heavy, both physically and mentally. He's not prepared for whatever this despair will bring him. He's alone in this world. Millions of people know him, adore him and love him. But he's the only one who knows that none of that is real. They don't love or adore Jeongin; they adore the piece of him that's shown and made up by his acting skills and personality. Not because he wants it to be like that, but because it has to be like that. And that's why he always wondered: does Hyunjin adore that side of Jeongin that's made up by his other self, or does he adore the real Jeongin? He wants to know. Actually, he needs to know. Because he himself can't find the answer. He doesn't know how he was acting in Hyunjin's presence, because reality stops every time. He didn't understand it at first, thinking that Hyunjin is yet another person who's just comfortable. Likewise, he found comfort in him, not knowing why.
Jeongin's steps led him to the spot. The memories came back like a dream that never ended. This whole scene felt like a dream, but the burning sensation of raindrops kept reminding him that this was indeed very real. He stopped, and everything stopped. His stand was firm without any sort of movement. Divine thoughts filled his mind once again, yearning to be seen and understood. Is this how Hyunjin felt all along? If so, Jeongin feels even more cruel than before.
All of this felt like hours, and at this point, he was not sure if the wet things on his face were raindrops or tears. It can be a mixture of both, but it doesn't matter at all. His heart ached, his mind swayed, and his being stayed. It stayed in the same position and place, not wanting to move because it would distinguish all of his thoughts.
"Still the same cologne?"
Reality broke and words dissolved. Jeongin smiled a bit and let out a tired chuckle.
"How could I ever use a different one after knowing you." Those words were symbolic and very true. A different cologne could never replace this one. It was too meaningful, holding a special significance and life period.
"I never knew you were so cheesy." Both of them laughed, not caring about their situation or the ridiculous reality. It definitely does feel like a dream, but not even a dream could be this hitting and sharp with their presence. Both Jeongin and Hyunjin stared at the horizon, keeping the silence to speak for itself and letting it treat their wounds. Wounds that were too deep, but still fixable.
Catharsis was very present, yet still hidden behind the wall of silence. All of their feelings want to scream: Be let free. At the end of the day, that's what they deserve. They deserve to be seen after being kept in for a long time.
"Isn't it funny how we all do things that are bad for us? They hurt us, yet we still let them happen." Hyunjin said these words with awareness. Knowing that they're true for both of them. They symbolized everything that had happened. Hyunjin knew that loving Jeongin would bring sorrow. Sorrow, that will be a spiteful thing. And on the other hand, Jeongin knew that being forcefully oblivious was going to be bad. And not only for Hyunjin, but for himself too.
"But those things make us the happiest." Knowing the meaning behind these words, both of them took them in. For Hyunjin, loving Jeongin was the happiest thing in his life. All of those moments that they had were very precious and special. Something that Hyunjin could never forget. For Jeongin, he managed to be the happiest while not caring about the truth. Facing the truth of love would be something that would break him. Choosing a world of careless acts was something that protected Jeongin. It was a pitiful protection, but it was enough to escape reality. Taking responsibility was something that he couldn't manage to do.
Jeongin mustered up his confidence, thinking that this moment would be a confirmation of reality. He turned his head to look at Hyunjin, his eyes catching a glimpse of him. It's been a year, yet he still looks like the same bewitching person that worked for him.
Hyunjin stared back, turning his body to face him. After a couple of seconds, they realized that they were real. In this situation, there wasn't any room for agitation. Anything could go wrong, but they won't let it happen. Not after this year of suffering. Jeongin didn't let the outside world stop him, reaching for Hyunjin's hand and taking it into his own. Their fingers interlocked, hands felt like silk that was meant to be held. Their hands fit perfectly, not wanting to be touched by anyone else. Jeongin's other hand made its way to Hyunjin's cheek, making itself comfortable. He stroked the face that held many qualities. A face that was meant for Jeongin. He will treasure it forever, keeping it in his possession until the day he dies. He closed his eyes, not waiting for anything else to happen, and pressed his lips to Hyunjin's. There it was—the moment they both longed for. Not believing it, Hyunjin moved his lips and kissed Jeongin with more pressure and love. Everything was happening, and not a single thing could stop this moment. They broke the kiss, not wanting to overdo anything. Jeongin smiled, showing Hyunjin his true nature and letting his heart speak.
"I love you, Hwang Hyunjin." Hyunjin stared into Jeongin's eyes. Eyes deep with affection and unspoken feelings that were yearning to be known. And finally, they made their revelation. They didn't care about the word's problems and circumstances; they just needed to get to the person that they belonged to.
