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BLAINE ANDERSON BIG BANG 2016

LOVE IS...

Pairing: Klaine

Word count: 15k

[Link to the original art]

Read on [AO3]

Summary: Blaine wants to meet his soulmate more than anything - until he realizes how fragile love can be. From that moment on he refuses to go out there and open himself up for the thing he’s always longed for. If he doesn’t meet his soulmate, there’s nothing to fear, right? Only life has different plans for him and every road not taken leads him straight to the man he’s never wanted to meet. A soulmate story.

Author’s note: Written for the Blaine Anderson Big Bang 2015. Warnings first: There's the necessary evil of homophobia and violence in this story. Other than that I think it's pretty safe to read, but if it bothers you, then maybe this story might be triggering for you.Now to the more pleasant part: I want to thank @greninjaaaa for her gorgeous art for this post and if you're on tumblr, you should definitely give it some love. ♥ A special thanks as well to the mods of the Big Bang who showed way more patience with me than I deserved. Thank you for organizing this amazing event that gives us the chance to get in touch with more people.And last but not least, the person who was forced to read this entire thing with all its glorious mistakes. Thanks to @frumiousme for being my beta. I wasn't the easiest candidate for this job, but you helped tremendously.Thanks to everyone who's reading, especially those who might leave me a comment. I hope you enjoy the ride. ♥

...a melody

The first time Blaine falls in love is unconventional but not uncommon. He watches A Wonderful Life with his family on Christmas morning when he's four years old and falls head over heels in love with Jimmy Stewart. (Years later he'll still be in love with Jimmy Stewart's hairstyle, but that's a different story.)

It's the moment the hero of the epic Christmas story promises Donna Reed the moon that he jumps up from the sofa and runs to the TV, his tiny fingers pressed against the glass as he turns around to his family and declares that he wants to marry this man.

That's also his coming out. But Blaine doesn't know that at the time. He just knows that he must have said something wrong because his mom's eyes are wide and his dad's eyebrows are bunched together. Cooper is laughing. Little Blaine starts to feel silly, he turns around one more time to look at the man he wants to marry and then he crawls back on the couch to snuggle up with his mom.

From that moment on, Blaine's life is an endless stream of crushes. He falls in love with Hollywood actors, with animated princes (Prince Philip is his favorite merely because he's very impressed with the red cape), with babysitters and his first piano teacher, Dan.

Then, when he starts to understand what it means that he likes girls but doesn't want to marry them, Blaine's one sided affections become more secretive, but they don't stop. To him, it becomes obvious that he was born this way. He loves to love. He wants it. More than anything, he longs for his happy ending.

One day in fifth grade the teacher asks them what love is. Blaine asks if he can think about the question. Every day he tries to come up with a really good answer, but nothing seems to describe what Blaine really wants. So when the teacher asks again a week later, Blaine tries to be very careful.

"I'm not sure," Blaine says, "I could be wrong, but I think love is when your soul finds the melody to the song your heart wants to sing for the rest of all eternity."

Some students laugh about that, but the teacher smiles and Blaine knows that at least he hasn't given the wrong answer.

And then he really falls in love. He's fifteen years old. He's finally gathered enough courage to come out of the closet and he's friends with Thomas, the only other openly gay kid at his school. For a while Blaine wants to be ‘just friends’ with him because what they have means a lot to him and he doesn't want to screw things up. But then there's this Sadie Hawkins Dance and Blaine really wants to go so he thinks, why the hell not? Thomas agrees to go with him and they have so much fun together. They dance and laugh, and it feels so right to be there, all dressed up with this other boy whose eyes light up when he smiles.

Blaine has this plan that when Thomas' parents pick them up, he's going to lean over in the car and kiss his cheek. Then Thomas will know that they could be something more and things will unfold. And maybe Thomas is Blaine's soulmate.

If he could meet this one person so early in life. That would be awesome. Blaine gets excited every time he thinks about it. The only thing that gets frustrating from time to time is that nobody can really explain it because it's different for everyone. Sometimes people get a mark on their wrist or across their heart. Sometimes they see sparks appear around their soulmate. Some people have even said that their world became more colorful when they met the one. His parents were just walking down the road when suddenly they felt the need to turn around. There was a pull that didn't let them walk any further and then, when they turned around and their eyes met, everything around them stopped.

It doesn't always happen when people meet for the first time. Sometimes it happens way later. That's why he believes Thomas could really be it. Because Blaine gets butterflies every time he thinks about spending time together. They'll kiss and sparks will fly.

After a night of dancing, they’re exhausted in the best way. Blaine can’t stop grinning as he looks at Thomas who offers him his arm and shrugs against the cold. Blaine's breath is forming white clouds in the night. The boys smile at each other. Then there's a sound behind them. And that's the last thing Blaine remembers.

...slavery

They tell Blaine that he can consider himself lucky.

You could have died.

That's the sentence they use at first. Until he's a little bit more awake. Until he starts to remember bits and pieces. Until he asks questions. After he knows the truth, the sentence changes.

You could have died, too.

Blaine doesn't really consider himself lucky. He's still in love with this person who has turned from something present into something past from one moment to another. He can still feel the butterflies, he still wants to see the other boy smile. But it's just not going to happen.

The worst thing is when his mom sits down next to him and takes his hand, her eyes glassy from tears she doesn't let fall because she wants to be strong for him. She asks him this question, whether or not he was the one. Blaine can only shake his head. His mom is so relieved after that. She stands up and hugs him tightly while Blaine just wants to turn back time. He wanted to find out whether or not Thomas was his soulmate so badly. But not like this. He doesn't want to know from the pain not being strong enough, even though it's a solid throbbing in his chest that sends a hollow numbness through his entire body and his mind as well.

Losing a soulmate would have been way more agonizing. There's physical pain involved, loss of consciousness. People can die of a broken heart even in relationships without a solid bond, but with soulmates it can happen within hours. It doesn't have to, but it's common.

Blaine will get over Thomas. And he feels so guilty about that. There's someone out there, right in that moment, who feels all the pain Blaine feels but tenfold and he probably never got the chance to meet the cute guy from Westerville, Ohio. And the worst part is that maybe that's for the best. Because it gets harder once you meet them. You don't have the strength to get back on your feet again once you meet them.

---

What Blaine doesn't know is that only a couple miles away, Kurt Hummel lies in his bed and can't sleep. He feels feverish. Every muscle in his body aches and he starts crying at the most stupid things. It's been like that for a couple of days and no doctor has a real explanation other than maybe the early symptoms of a flu. Only his father gives him this look, and wonders. But he doesn't say anything. Because maybe he's wrong and he doesn't want to worry his son.

---

When Blaine has come far enough with his recovery, his father asks him if he wants to transfer to a private school with a zero bullying policy, or if he'd rather be home schooled. Blaine decides for the latter. Whatever lesson life really wanted to teach him, what he learned was that love can be a dangerous thing. What you get, can be taken away. The easiest thing is not to have anything.

Blaine knows it's just a tiny bit ridiculous. Because he could meet his soulmate while he goes out to buy milk or tries on new shoes. He could watch a sitcom and his soulmate could be random extra #3 in the background. There's no recipe to really avoid meeting the person you match with, but what you can do is avoid all situations that lead in the general direction of love. Blaine doesn't go out dancing. He doesn't date. He doesn't hang around in any internet forums anymore. He disabled ask and submit on his tumblr and he only gives out his phone number to people who are women or who he's definitely not attracted to. Better safe than sorry.

The boy who once dreamed about love starts to get cynical about the very thought of it and after a some time he convinces himself that it isn't about fear at all. It's not about the the cold panic he feels when he thinks about losing someone close to him or maybe even causing another person so much pain that they die from a broken heart. Instead Blaine starts to believe that he doesn't want to meet his soulmate because then you don't get a choice. Suddenly, to him, it's about freedom and his own will. He even tells those of his friends who are close enough to him to talk about this subject that he's not opposed to a relationship. But then he wants to be sure that this person won't be his soulmate. Maybe a man who got cheated on. That happens occasionally. Or a widower. Someone like that. What Blaine wants is something honest and real and safe. And all of this soulmate stuff just won't do it for him.

"Love is slavery," he tells a girl from his astrology club one day. "You submit to a part of yourself that has no reason or logic whatsoever. And that can only be in your way."

She looks a little bad sad after that, but Blaine knows that he's one of the only people who really got it. Music's his only real love anyway. That's what will guide him. And that's where he's heading.

...privilege

"Pleeeeeeeeeease, Blaine!"

Tina has the annoying quality of sounding like a whiny three year old when she wants to. In those moments, her entire face is an image of pure despair. It's possible that other people can resist, but Blaine is not one of them.

Still, he's managed to stay a bit longer in the state in which he's denying that he'll give in eventually. He always does. She's his best friend.

"I don't think it's a good idea," Blaine says and opens his locker to get his apron.

Every Thursday afternoon, they teach a baking class for a shelter that takes care of kids from the Matchless community who have been kicked out of home. As if their lives weren’t sad enough already. Born with white hair and dark eyes, their genetic code is doomed not to match up with anyone. It's still considered a curse, even in the 21st century. People can be so stupid. Most of the kids are nice and more often than not they're desperate rather than bitter. Blaine likes to talk to them. He's safe with them. Plus, it will look good on their resumé.

Tina ties her apron and clicks her tongue. "Good idea or not, I want to be part of this and I don't have a chance as a single."

"You might have a point," Blaine mumbles and slips into his own baking uniform. "But faking a mateship is a little bit horrible, don't you think? And risky. If we get caught it's not just our careers that are on the line. We could go to jail."

Soulmates always have a special status in society and are legally protected. Blaine knows this better than anyone, because as someone who's gay his only chance to be safe from hate and prejudice is a proper match. Somehow, that turns a person from being an abomination to someone who's been blessed. Since he has no intention of falling in love, he usually just sticks to staying in the closet, which would be a must if he joins Tina at June Dolloway's gathering.

The wealthy socialite is known to describe herself as a survivor. Her husband and soulmate died almost two decades ago and she found the strength to take over his business empire and do his work. Not many people would have found that kind of strength. In fact, not many people would have found the strength to outlive their soulmates. June has a lot of admirers and not just because of her life story, but because of her influence and wealth as well.

"Blaine." Tina steps in front of him and grabs his hand. "This ball is important. June will give out a sponsorship to only three couples. Three. Can you imagine what it would be like to not have to think about tuition and rent anymore? To be able to focus fully on school and auditions?"

"There are people that she picks who aren't soulmates..." Blaine's voice doesn't sound as unwavering as he would like. God, Tina has him wrapped around her little finger. "We could just go there as friends."

“Tina…”

And then she uses her secret weapon. Pushing her lower lip slightly forward, Tina lets her shoulders slump and she blinks slowly. "All right. I understand that you don't want to help me.”

She turns around and walks down the hallway. She doesn't even properly lift her feet, just drags herself forward. In every way she looks like a dog that's denied his favorite chew toy.

Blaine rolls his eyes; he already regrets going after her. "Wait."

Tina turns around and her eyes are sparkling, even when she still holds onto her pout. "Yes?"

"We can go," Blaine groans and runs a hand through his hair. "But we need a really good match story."

With a yelp, Tina throws herself against Blaine and hugs him tightly. "You're my best friend, thank you so much!"

Blaine hugs her back and he likes to see her so happy. It's hard to stay mad. "You owe me, Tina Cohen-Chang. Now, let's get ourselves a sponsorship."

...opportunity

Blaine usually makes an effort to tell Tina when she looks good, especially when he recognizes her effort to be pretty. His best friend had bad luck for reasons beyond Blaine's understanding. She's looked over a lot of times and stepped over way more often than she deserves. Blaine considers it his best friend duty to make her feel a little bit better about herself, but rarely does he mean it as much as this evening when he tells her that she looks fantastic.

"Absolutely stunning," he compliments her and grins back at her when she smiles.

"Thank you, B. You're not so bad yourself."

It's true. They make quite the couple. Tina in her midnight blue cocktail dress, opulent roses at its seam and Blaine with his navy blue suit. His handkerchief matches her dress and it's a classy statement that Blaine adores. Having a fake girlfriend that makes her own dresses has its perks.

They compliment each other a dozen times more before Blaine offers Tina his arm and they head off to the evening that could make or break their careers. The ball takes place at June Dolloway's mansion and Blaine can't keep his mouth close when he sees the building. "This place looks like straight out Downton Abbey…."

And that in the middle of New York. Blaine has promised himself to stay cool about this, but he's impressed and he enters the great hall with eyes wide open. At least until he hears a quiet hiss in his ear.

"Stop staring. You look like a three year old!" Tina glares at him and Blaine shrugs out of it.

"Sorry," he says, clearing his throat and squaring his shoulders.

They get rid of their coats and accept the glass of champagne they're offered as a welcome. The place isn't packed yet, but there are lots of people already and there's no doubt there will be plenty more to come. Tina and Blaine spend the first couple of minutes just taking in the atmosphere. They try to ease into the feeling of belonging there. Occasionally some people would start some pointless banter and they would go along with it. A jazz band plays one relaxing song after the other and it started to be comfortable.

And then the lady of herself enters the small stage that was prepared in front of the big staircase that undoubtedly leads up to the private areas of the mansion. June Dolloway isn’t tall, but she has enough personality to look seven feet tall.

"Ladies and gentleman, I hope I don't disturb any important conversations, but you know me, I'll get to the point swiftly. I want to welcome you all to my home and I hope the evening will give you plenty of opportunities to groom existing friendships or make new ones. Like every year, I will hand out six sponsorships by the end of a workshop whose participants I will choose today. As always, matched couples have a better chance. Love is an opportunity."

The process sounds easy. It's everything but. June looks for someone who has that little something. People who are confident and charismatic. The woman has the rare talent of being able to tell who's only good at selling a mediocre product and who is really good. Still, there are a few cases known where people signed up and were chosen for the workshop without having what it takes. Rumor has it they are now working scrubbing the toilets of toilet paper factories.

"Everyone who wants five minutes of my precious time can put his or her name on this list," she says and holds up a piece of paper that she then pins to a wall to her right. "I'm looking forward to having pleasant conversations and wish you all a nice evening."

The crowd cheers and the band picks up their music again, but now there is a certain tension in the air. Constantly, people look up to the small screen that would soon show the names of the people June wants to invite to her table. They would go talk to her in groups of six and it would start in a few minutes. The first people had already written their names down.

Blaine turns towards Tina and takes a deep breath. "Do you want to dance first? Or put our names on the list?"

Tina nibbles on her lower lip. For the first time today she looks uncertain. "How about I go get us something to drink and you write down on our names? We meet back here in a few."

They nod at each other and go their separate ways. Blaine has to excuse himself a couple of times as he tries to part the crowd and get to the list. The amount of people surrounding him makes him feel hot and his skin is crawling. He's nervous, almost anxious. Like something big is going to go down any second now and his mind is involuntarily drawn back to the dance. His jaw clenched, he reaches for the pen that dangles from a cord next to June's list. Today's not the day to think about past regrets.

He's barely touched the pen when his fingers brush against someone else's hand and the small touch snaps him out of his tension. He shivers and looks at the guy next to him.

"Oh, I'm… Sorry," the guy says, his voice high as he lets out a chuckle. "After you."

Blaine shakes his head. His mouth is dry. "No, please… After you."

They stare at each other with wide eyes and Blaine can't really explain what's going on. There's just… This familiarity.

"Have we met?" the stranger asks and his dark blue eyes sparkle with something that looks a lot like suspicion to Blaine.

"No. No, I would remember. But I know the feeling…" Blaine blushes when he realizes how much it sounds like flirting. Back to safe grounds. "I'm Blaine."

The other guy holds out his hand. "Kurt."

***

Kurt looks at Blaine and wonders if he's seeing things. Or… feeling. That would be the better word probably. Because when their fingers touched, Kurt suddenly felt right at home. And he knows. He just knows …

But Blaine seems to be unfazed and Kurt is suddenly unsure. Even though he knows .

"Trying your luck?" Blaine asks and squints his eyes to read through the list.

Kurt nods and picks up the pen to write down his name. "I'd be stupid if I didn't."

Blaine reacts with a frown and he picks up the pen as well. His handwriting is way less classy than his attire, but Kurt thinks it's kinda cute. He tries to decipher the last name. Anderson. So that's him. Blaine Anderson.

Kurt wants to say it out loud, taste the name on his lips. The thought comes with a giddiness that is suddenly ripped apart when Blaine writes down a second name. Tina Cohen-Chang.

"You're not alone?"

Blaine frowns and looks down while Kurt doesn't know what to feel in this moment. "Uhm. No. I'm here with my mate. Tina."

And that's how it all crumbles.

But then their eyes meet and Kurt knows . He just knows. What can't happen suddenly becomes true. Kurt is standing in front of his soulmate. Blaine Anderson is it for Kurt. But Kurt's not it for Blaine.

He's screwed.

...a trick

Blaine feels out of it when he returns to meet Tina. He’s a bit lightheaded and his muscles feel warm and heavy, like he's been running or swimming long enough to wake up every little cell of his body.

His best friend frowns as she sees him and she hands him over a glass of red wine. "Is everything okay with you?"

Blaine looks over his shoulder, expecting to find Kurt still standing there. But there are already new people signing up for June's table. "I'm… Yes, I'm okay."

Tina shakes her head. "You really need to get your head out of the clouds. What's wrong with you today?"

Blaine doesn't dare to think that maybe he just met the most important person in his life. There's another explanation for it and Blaine rather gives into that one. "I just had a flashback. I snapped out of it, but still… I thought I had all that behind me."

Tina's mouth forms an 'O'. She's one of the very few people who know a little about Blaine's past. "I'm sorry. I didn't think that being here would be hard for you. Are you okay?"

She touches his arm and Blaine manages to give her a small smile. "I'm fine. Really."

They find an empty table where they can stand and drink their wine before they join a few other couples on the dance floor. Blaine secretly keeps looking for Kurt, but doesn't find him until their names appear right next to each other on the screen that lets them know it's their time. Blaine hears Tina exhale next to him and he takes her hand.

"It's gonna be fine," he says and leads his best friend to June Dolloway's table. "You're gonna kill it."

Blaine pulls out the chair for Tina while he looks at the people they're sitting with. There's another couple, both of them dark haired and smiling. And then there's Kurt. Blaine's eyes wander to the screen and realizes that there are only five of them. He sits down and looks expectantly at June who takes a sip of her champagne and then leans forward with a smile.

"Welcome to the most important five minutes of your young life, girls and boys." She folds her hands and nods towards Kurt. "Let's start with you, young man. Most pressing question first. Why are you alone?"

Blaine watches intently at how Kurt tilts his head just a tiny bit. His spine is stretched out and the smile on his lips appears to be pleasant, but his eyes give him away. It makes Blaine smile. Kurt's trying so hard to be nonchalant about this, but it is a question that makes him vulnerable.

"I'm waiting," Kurt replies. "All my life, people tried to make me believe that I dream too big. I've always refused to believe that and I won't start simply because a very important piece of me is missing. I'll find my match. And when I do, I will be able to tell a fantastic story about how him being late to the party made me the center of attention at one of June Dolloway's gatherings."

"Kurt Hummel, right?" June asks and there's no way to tell what she thinks.

"Yes." Kurt's voice is still strong, but his features are tense. "That's me."

June's eyes linger on him for a few moments. She's like a cat looking for prey. When she tears her eyes away, Blaine notices how Kurt breathes out, and he wants to tell the other man that he did good. Nothing to worry about.

"You two." June nods towards the other couple at the table. "You already share a last name. Do you have a story that's even better than Mr. Hummel's?"

They look at each other and then the woman starts to talk. "This is Mason, I'm Madison. McCarthy. We're twins."

June's eyebrows lift and Blaine can hear a gasp from Tina while he himself feels a pang of jealousy. Matched twins are rare, but not completely uncommon. A platonic soulmate you don't have to look for. Love remains an option, not a necessity.

The McCarthys talk about their cheerleading careers and their training in music and acting. It feels like their whole life has been one huge exercise for the big twin show that will be their breakthrough.

June seems bored after twenty seconds and after a minute she lifts her hand. "You can talk about all that in a minute. We still have two people sitting with us today. Who are you?"

Her eyes find Tina's, then Blaine's. She looks like a human scanner and Blaine's suddenly nervous. There's no way they'll be able to pull this off.

"I'm Tina. This is Blaine. He saved me from drowning," Tina says and she demonstrates their undying love by taking Blaine's hand and patting it slowly. "I was texting while I walked down the mall with fabric samples for a class project when I stumbled and fell into one of those horrible indoor fountains."

"She hit her head," Blaine picks up the story which earns him a smile from Tina. Matching lives, matching storytelling skills. "I pulled her out and tapped her face. When she opened her beautiful eyes, I just knew."

"Describe the feeling." All eyes are suddenly on Kurt who seems to only notice now that he interrupted the story. It's too late to take it back. He squirms a little and looks at Blaine. "Please. If it's not too personal."

It hurts when Tina squeezes his hand too tightly, but Blaine keeps looking into Kurt's eyes. "It was like coming home. Like my body woke up from being tense, my soul woke up from being alone and my heart woke up from being locked away."

He realizes what he just said and clears his throat. Tina looks at him in awe and Kurt frowns. Blaine wonders if he's done anything wrong.

"Thank you," Kurt says.

June joins in. "Thank you indeed."

The lady of the house looks at him with an amused smile and Blaine mumbles a quiet 'you're welcome' before the attention is back on the twins who start rambling about how they're sad that they'll never have a moment. Tina joins the conversation while Blaine just looks at Kurt and Kurt looks back at him. There's nothing else that has to be said.

***

A few hours later when their time with June has long run out and the number of people starts to slowly dwindle down, there's a new list being pinned to the wall. Everyone tries to not look too nervous or hopeful, but everyone is. Tina looks at him and lifts her chin. She's offered to go check out the list and she's been preparing to cross the room to do it for the past ten minutes.

Then, she finally does. Blaine can see the exact moment her heart breaks. It's when her head hangs and her shoulders slump. She turns around and her eyes are sad. She's pouting as she returns.

"It's okay," Blaine says and rubs her arms. "We had our fun and it was worth a shot."

"You got in."

The words make Blaine's jaw drop. "What?"

Tina repeats. The annoyance in her voice would trigger his guilt if he wasn't so baffled. "You got in, Blaine. And I didn't. That's so typical."

She starts to rant about everything that's unfair in the world and eventually she snaps at him for just leaving her standing like this as Blaine rushes to the list to go have a look himself. It's true. Tina's name isn't on the list, but his own is. And right above it, there's someone else. Blaine's heart skips a beat.

And then there's a now familiar voice right next to him. Kurt is smiling when Blaine turns around. "Looks like we'll see each other again."

...a luxury

Blaine can still vaguely remember what it feels to be in the closet and this isn't it. It's supposed to be narrow and suffocating. The closet he's built with Tina? That's a penthouse apartment with a view over the skyline. It's a luxury and, more than anything, it's comfortable. Blaine isn't the odd one out anymore. Now he's a match. People treat him differently. And he himself is less on edge. It's almost as if he believes it himself. He doesn't have to be afraid of finding someone anymore. He's already found his missing puzzle piece.

But as it turns out, Blaine has been missing something. Or rather, someone. He has some friends, but all of them are girls or definitely straight and matched. He's never been brave enough to engage with someone who's a kindred spirit.

Kurt's just that. He's ambitious, interested in a thousand different things. He's smart, politically engaged, witty and the kind of person who can ramble hours about whether Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock is the true queen of the 90s. And on top of all that, he's also a man and familiar with the struggle and the stigma of being gay without a match. Sometimes Blaine's almost giddy to talk to him about it, but with more self-control than he thought he could ever muster he remains in the closet and plays Tina's soulmate through every session of June's workshop. Kurt, on the other hand, is open about what it means to him and how hard it can be sometimes.

There's one instance where they decide to have coffee after the workshop. It's the first time they hang out together outside of June's mansion and Kurt is a lot more comfortable and open. The coffee shop offers cozy couches and loveseats and serves their coffee with tiny pieces of chocolate. Kurt plops his into his mouth and makes Blaine chuckle before they start to chat about their childhood. As it turns out, they're both from Ohio and that opens the Pandora's Box of Midwest stories. One leads to another and then Kurt suddenly gets quiet.

"I was bullied," he says and peels the lid of his coffee cup only to put it back on. "It got pretty rough for a while until I finally snapped and yelled at the guy who tormented me the most. Told him that he couldn't change me. That I would find my other half but that I doubt there's someone out there for him."

Blaine opens his mouth and wants to say something, but there are so many memories that come back and he finds himself speechless.

Kurt shakes his head and continues. "It's okay. I've grown stronger from it. But… You must know… This guy kissed me. He kissed me and all I could think was… Please don't let it be him."

"I'm so sorry," Blaine finally manages to say and without thinking he reaches out and covers Kurt's hand with his own. "That must have been awful."

Kurt blushes and smiles. "It was. My point is, though… I was so relieved that it wasn't him that I didn't mind waiting longer. The right one makes all that worth it."

A frown slowly forming on his face Blaine pulls away his hand. "Why are you telling me that?"

Much to Blaine's surprise, Kurt cocks his head and there's something flashing in his eyes. "Just a story from my youth. I thought you would agree with me. Since you've already found your soulmate and I haven't…"

Now it's Blaine's turn to blush. "Oh… Yes. I agree. Absolutely. He'll be worth it."

Kurt nods and points at the piece of chocolate that's still lying untouched next to Blaine's cup. "Are you going to eat that?"

Blaine pushes the chocolate over the table and is very careful that their fingers don't touch again.

...a priority

Kurt knows. Just like he knows that Blaine has something to hide and that it's not all as it seems. He doesn't want to be impatient, but it's hard. Waiting for his soulmate has been incredibly hard, and now he just wants to dive in. And why not? Everyone else does...

The only thing that keeps Kurt from shaking Blaine is, well... Blaine. He still looks like a child sometimes. Sparkling eyes and a smile that makes others smile too. He tries so hard to be enthusiastic about even June's most annoying exercises. One time they have to spend the day in Time's Square pretending to be homeless. For Kurt it's humiliating, and quite frankly insulting to everyone who really has to live on the streets. A bunch of spoiled students pretending to be poor. Blaine though... Blaine doesn't question it. He just slips into torn clothes from the costume department that make him look even younger and quite frankly a little bit lost.

"It's about being forced to watch others because they don't watch you," he says quietly as a reply to Kurt's rant and Kurt falls a little bit deeper.

It's not the only time that Kurt sees a vulnerability in Blaine that is usually hidden under colorful clothes and impeccable manners. It's the main reason Kurt is cautious. There's a story there. Blaine's not ready.

Months pass. They get closer - as friends - and Blaine opens up a little bit more. They cook dinner for each other sometimes, and there's the occasional movie night. Kurt's also found a worthy shopping companion and Blaine lets him pick a few outfits for him just to make Kurt happier. Their friendship is based on fondness, and to a degree the trust it requires to show another person who you really are. Aside from that one thing of course.

Sometimes Kurt doubts. Of course he does. But then Blaine touches him again and Kurt finally feels like he belongs.

When Blaine tells him that he isn’t going home for Christmas, Kurt sees a chance. He has two days off, but it's not enough to visit his dad, who decided to come to New York instead. Kurt is determined to both talk to his dad about the whole soulmate dilemma and invite Blaine for Christmas dinner. Nobody should spend that time of the year alone.

He wants to make it a surprise; call Blaine up Christmas Eve and tell him to get his present the next day. It's all going to be perfect.

But then his dad sits down with him and tells him about the cancer. Kurt's world stops spinning. When it starts to move again, it's at a different pace and Blaine blends in with the background. There are other priorities now.

***

Blaine spends Christmas Eve with Tina, who can't stop whining that both her parents have to work and don't have time for her. They eat too much food and watch one romcom after the other.

And then, from one moment to another, Blaine feels horrible. His chest constricts and he has to sit up straight to breathe. Tina frowns and puts a hand on his shoulder, asking him what's wrong.

Blaine shakes his head. "I feel like I'm gonna be sick."

He takes another moment, then the nausea hits and he wants to cry as he bolts for the bathroom to throw up. The cool tiles of the floor makes him shake and Blaine can't stop the the tears from falling. First he thinks it's the food, but then... It feels like grief.

He goes to bed and curls up. Tina checks up on him and brings him tea. "Are you okay, Blaine?"

Shaking his head he clutches his chest. "Something horrible happened to him."

They don't talk about it any more. Blaine just feels Tina cuddle up with him, holding him in the dark. It's never been more obvious that it's not enough.

...comfort

The days leading up to New Year's Eve come and go. Blaine barely finds the strength to get up. When he does, he usually ends up pacing. It would be a lot easier if he knew what it meant, but he doesn't. The way it feels, his soulmate could be dead. The agony he's supposed to feel should be more intense but as someone who's never met his other half, Blaine's expected to suffer less. He talks himself into it until he believes it. The reality of being alone sinks into his muscles and his bones and the feeling of sadness slowly leaves him alone. Blaine considers himself a survivor simply because it's the easiest thing to do. Like this, he doesn't have to be afraid anymore and he doesn't have to wonder what else the pain could possibly mean. He takes sick leave for two weeks and visits his parents after all. They barely have time for him, but that's okay. Blaine just wants to make sure they're doing okay for some reason, and when nothing has changed back home, he allows himself to feel better.

Back in New York Blaine gets on with his life. He contemplates downloading one of those singles apps, but decides to wait a while. He has to wait for the end of the workshop, at least. If June really decides to sponsor him, life will get a lot harder for him without the added attention of dozens of single men in a fifty miles radius. Instead, he goes out to dance. He kisses a few boys. He has fun.

When he enters the classroom for the first workshop session of the new year, Blaine can't stop smiling. He's never felt this alive. No more fear. Finally.

He plops down on the chair next to Kurt who looks up to him with dark circles under his eyes but a smile on his face. "Hello, stranger. I've missed you."

Blaine waves it off. "Just had the urge to visit my parents."

Kurt nods carefully. "I really understand that."

There's just something in Kurt's voice. A little bit higher, a little bit weaker than usually. "Are you okay?"

Letting out a sigh Kurt sits up straight and suddenly he's 'Show Must Go On' in flesh and blood. "Rough times. Things will get better."

But they don't. Weeks pass and every time Blaine sees Kurt at the workshop, he looks a little bit more like a ghost. It pains him to see a friend suffer like that, and after a long period of not seeing each other outside of class because Kurt always has other plans or doesn't even pick up the phone, Blaine manages to talk him into coming over for dinner.

He cooks mac'n'cheese and buys white chocolate mousse for dessert. His plan is not to ask Kurt intrusive questions, but to make him feel good instead. It works really well for a while. They drink wine and talk about their favorite live concerts. In the end it all boils down to the sadness and self-pity of not being able to snatch tickets for Adele's concert next year. They'd lost some of their easy comfort sometime around Christmas, and Blaine couldn't be happier to get some of it back.

They sit down to eat, and that's when it all changes. There's a wrinkle in the tablecloth, Blaine knows, because he's the one who burned his finger trying to stretch the fabric out again when it constricted from the heat of the iron. It drove him crazy for weeks because it was a constant reminder of his own impatience to read the manual for anything, and he mistook the steamer for the power heat button. Why new irons needed a power heat button still is beyond him. The wrinkle doesn't bother him that much anymore. By now he mostly ignores it and usually he thinks about covering it up with flowers or a candle. He just forgot today.

But now Kurt can't stop brushing his thumb over it. Again and again. Until his face shows a deep frown and Blaine reaches out to touch his hand. Their fingers curl around each other and they both hold their breath. Their eyes meet.

Blaine wants to tell Kurt that everything's okay, but Kurt just sighs in relief. As if Blaine touching him has saved him from something overwhelming.

"This isn't right," Kurt whispers quietly, and stares at the tablecloth.

"I know," Blaine says, and he leans forward a little just so Kurt might look up into his eyes again. "I burned it. It was a mistake."

It takes an endless moment of silence before Kurt answers. "Nothing is ever right anymore."

Blaine doesn't expect the tears. Not from Kurt, who is always so stubborn in his strength. And yet, when he starts to cry Blaine doesn't hesitate. He quickly pushes back his chair and sits down right next to Kurt. Wrapping his arm around his friend's shoulder, Blaine pulls him close and it's a sign of exhaustion that Kurt lets him. Tears soak into his shirt and Kurt's fingers clutch Blaine's sleeve. They stay like this for a while. Blaine just holds Kurt and lets him cry. Occasionally he rubs his shoulders or rocks him back and forth once or twice.

"Do you…" Blaine has to stop and think. He doesn't even know what he wants to ask even though it's so clear to a small part of him. It's the part that wins out and makes him find the words. "Do you want to stay the night? I don't want you to be alone."

Kurt pulls back and stares at him. His eyes are red but that only makes his eyes clearer. Blaine gently wipes a tear away. "Blaine…"

"I mean it." He doesn't want a protest. Blaine just wants to do something for a friend. "Please stay."

And Kurt does.

They go to bed, Kurt rolled up to a tight ball, Blaine right behind him with his arms wrapped around him. It's warm and it's comfortable. Blaine prays that it will be enough.

...a mark

After their night together, something changes. They're both shy about it and Blaine catches himself a couple of times exchanging smiles with Kurt that feel like more than what they've had so far. They grow closer.

Tina is the one who whines about it the most. They haven't seen each other outside of school for almost two weeks when they help at the shelter, and Tina starts to complain again. "We never spend time together anymore, Blaine. This has been going on for weeks. It's spring! I need my smoothie buddy, and I won't stand for it any longer."

Blaine grabs Tina's hand, but he can't conceal his amused smile. "We'll go for a smoothie after this, okay?"

"Promise?"

"Promise," Blaine replies and he's glad that Tina doesn't really seem to be mad. He wants to apologize after all. "I'm really sorry, Tina. It's just that Kurt is having a hard time and I want to be there for him."

Much to Blaine's surprise, Tina groans at that. "Seriously, Blaine. It's always Kurt this, Kurt that, you behave like..."

She bites back the word, but Blaine is well aware that it's on the tip of her tongue. "Soulmates? Is that what you were gonna say?"

She gives him an apologetic smile and it soothes the rising anger in his chest. "What I'm trying to say is that maybe you should make a move."

The worst part is that Blaine actually thinks about it.

***

In the rec room where everything from the pool tables to the couches is pushed aside in favor of a row of mirrors, Blaine and Tina are greeted by about fifteen kids who signed up for a twelve hour course they thankfully made the money for during their last charity run.

It's going to be a class in expressive dance and Blaine is happy when he looks around and finds the kids equally as excited as him. They don't have much access to extracurricular activities or art classes and this is a rare opportunity for most of them.

The guy who enters is young, Blaine's age, and he introduces himself as Mike. As a Joffrey Ballet graduate he wants to dip his toe into the swirling waters of the New York dance scene and gather some experience. Teaching classes is a good start.

Blaine watches in awe as Mike asks every one of the kids why they chose to attend his class, and the answers range from just being here because it's an offer and for free, all the way to being really passionate about dancing. The dance instructor genuinely cares. It's obvious in the way he nods as he listens and occasionally smiles when one of the kids get nervous.

After the introductions, Mike turns on the music and teaches them some easier steps. It's the first step-step-spin combination that causes some problems and Mike frowns.

"Can you come and help me out for a second?" he asks in their direction and Tina quickly crosses the room to assist.

She gets in position and Mike reaches out to correct her posture. Doing that, their hands touch and they both gasp. Tina flinches back and covers her hand while Mike just stares down at his own. Blaine hurries to get to them and see what's wrong when he gets a look at Mike's hand and the mark on the palm of his hand.

"No," Tina finally says, her eyes wide.

Marks are a thing sometimes. Not very often. Blaine's heard that they hurt for the first couple of weeks. It's like the spark burns into the skin, a delicate pattern of spots and swirls.

"Are you okay?" Mike asks and he looks thoroughly smitten.

"You're Asian," Tina whines and pouts. "I'm an Asian stereotype."

The room is quiet before both Mike and Tina starts to laugh. The spell is lifted and the kids start to clap their hands. It's a tiny miracle.

Blaine claps hands too. He ignores the pain in his heart and smiles. He's happy for Tina. He keeps on smiling.

...a waltz

Things change when Tina gets together with Mike. The first thing that happens is that Blaine finds himself being poked with an index finger and told in very clear words that Tina is off limits from now on. There's nothing left to do but to let out a nervous little chuckle before Tina chimes in and saves him. It's surprising that she's open with Mike, but after the truth is out, things are less awkward and Mike reluctantly apologizes. They talk for hours and eventually decide that it's for the best to keep their charade up for the rest of the semester. Blaine doesn't expect to be sponsored, and the interest in his person will slowly dissipate once he's no longer part of June's program.

There's this other problem, though; the problem Blaine doesn't talk about. He thinks it's jealousy at first, but after a couple of weeks, he finds out that it's longing. He wants what his friends have. He goes through what he thinks is grief when it's actually more like regret. In telling himself that he's glad that his soulmate must be dead, he's denying himself the harsh truth that he would need to heal. He has regrets, but he can't let himself feel them.

Instead he gets quiet. Blaine buries himself in work and studying. He rehearses dance moves for hours before he sits down at the piano and plays till his fingers feel numb. For some reason his hands get cold when he plays. They're freezing every time he stands up.

The only times that he's able to let loose even just a little bit is when he spends some time with Kurt, who is still sad more often than not. It's understandable. Blaine never pushes, but on more than one occasion he texts Kurt that he's there in case the other boy needs someone to talk to.

Oddly enough, the moment that changes a lot for them doesn't come from a coffee date, and it doesn't come from Kurt asking for a shoulder to cry on either. It's a regular afternoon and Blaine tortures his left hand with Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C Sharp minor. He's been practicing for nearly eight months now and he's so, so close to getting it right. He's completely lost in the movements of his own fingers that he doesn't notice Kurt who enters the room quietly, clutching to the strap of his messenger bag as he sneaks closer.

Blaine's breathing heavily when he stops playing. The last notes are still lingering and even though the piano is still, the vibration of it still resonates in Blaine's chest.

"That was wonderful," Kurt says quietly and Blaine turns around, a blush tinting his cheeks.

"Thank you," he says with a small smile and he looks down as he clears his throat. "I'm not there yet, but I think it went pretty well."

"It's very…" Kurt places his index finger against his cheek and taps his own skin, lost in thought. "Tragic is the wrong word."

"It's desperate." Blaine glances at his sheets and his brow furrows. "Desperate and demanding."

Kurt nods and steps closer. He sits down next to Blaine and hits the keys. It's soft and playful and nothing like Rachmaninoff. He stops again after a few seconds. "Can you relate?"

Not the easiest question. Blaine has to think about it, but then he shakes his head.

"I get the despair." He smiles, half sad and half amused. "But I never demand. Too big a risk to be told no regardless."

For a long moment, they look at each other and it becomes so very obvious that it's not about the play anymore. Kurt smacks his lips; Blaine's eyes wander down to them before they flicker up again. He feels like he just did something forbidden. Whether or not Kurt has realized it, Blaine doesn't know. But his eyes are wide before he speaks.

"Sometimes people have to take a risk." Kurt's voice is quiet and higher than usual.

"Why are you here?" Blaine's question rips them both from this conversation that felt like so much more than they both understand.

Kurt smiles and he opens his bag to pull out a bunch of sheets. "Practice. I barely ever play anymore, but sometimes I do. To clear my head. My dad's doing better."

Blaine is glad to hear that. "You shouldn't have to clear your head over good news like that."

"I've been neglecting myself," Kurt explains and he puts down his sheets next to Blaine's. It's Chopin. The Spring Waltz. Blaine thinks about whether or not that fits. Maybe there's way more to Kurt than he's thought. "And now I don't know if the things I suddenly didn't care about anymore were important in the first place."

"Do you miss them?"

Kurt nods, a barely there movement. "I do."

"Then they just weren't as important as your dad. But still important. Everything you miss means something." Blaine's heart skips a beat at that. He's been missing his other half for his whole life and he will miss him forever. "But I think I get it. I wish there was a way to tell what's really important and what's not."

They sit in silence again until Blaine can bring himself to ask another question. "How do you know what's worth taking a risk for?"

"What are you willing to give up for it? That's the question you have to ask." Kurt says it in a playful tone that takes away some of the depth the words carry and some of their heaviness.

"Safety," Blaine answers even when it's a rhetorical question.

"Must be important then," Kurt replies with a shrug.

"Go out with me," Blaine blurts out and just like that his safety is gone. The heat in the room is rising and he suddenly panics. Without thinking, he reaches out and takes Kurt's hand. The heat turns to warmth, becomes more bearable. "Please."

"You're matched… You have a girlfriend…" Kurt's shoulders are drawn almost all the way to his ears. He's holding his breath.

Blaine feels stupid. More stupid than ever before. Because while Tina is leaving their little scheme behind, Blaine has to live it and the boy who might be able to make him feel less lonely is sitting right in front of him and thinks he's straight and taken.

"Not like that," he says quietly and slightly disappointed in himself. "Just between friends. I have to get out, and I feel like you could use it too."

"Your hands are ice cold." Kurt looks down and squeezes Blaine's hand. "I would like to go out with you. It sounds like a nice idea."

Blaine's smile comes easily. "Really?"

"Yes," Kurt chuckles and they both grin at each other, through their sadness that they both push aside.

Pulling back, Blaine takes a deep breath and then rubs his hands together. "I'd love to hear the Spring Waltz now."

"A question first…" Kurt already gets in position and opens his sheet music. "Was it worth it?"

"Yes," Blaine says without hesitation. His safety suddenly doesn't feel as important. "Definitely."

They sit next to each other for hours and keep playing. Their melodies become lighter and faster and so does Blaine's heart. He's still too scared to demand, but maybe with a little courage he can ask for a tiny piece of what he wants.

***

Three days later Blaine stands in front of Kurt's apartment and rings the bell. He holds a bunch of flowers. It's a spring bouquet. Very briefly he thought about the classics. Roses. But he didn't want to send the wrong signals. Besides, there's something sweet about the tulips and the yellow gerbera daisies.

The door opens and Blaine holds out the flowers. Kurt is blushing, but he's also smiling and it's the best feeling in the world. It fills Blaine with so much joy that he can't help but lean in for a hug. "I hope you like them."

Kurt drinks in the smell and sighs. "They're beautiful. Thank you. Come in, I'll give them water real quick."

They have big plans. Blaine's made reservations at a new pizzeria that serves 'white pizza', where the tomato sauce is replaced by white cheese. It's allegedly the best idea in the entire world. Afterwards they plan on drinking a cocktail or two in a karaoke bar, maybe go dancing or just watch others dance. They're not quite sure yet.

Blaine leans against the kitchen counter while Kurt fills a vase with water and tugs the bouquet back in form. It gives him some time to enjoy the view. Kurt is wearing a tight grey vest over a green plaid shirt and dark blue skinny jeans that manage to bring out the length of his thighs as well as his firm butt. Blaine quickly drops his eyes when he turns around.

"How's Tina?" Kurt asks, and there's no doubt that this is the sore spot between them. The girlfriend who's not really Blaine's girlfriend.

"She's doing okay, thanks for asking."

The awkwardness lasts for half a minute before Kurt forces a smile and washes his hands. "I'm good to go, if you are."

"Kurt, I…" Blaine straightens up and takes a deep breath. He could say it now. End it all. "Can we stay for ten more minutes?"

The forced smile is gone and Kurt touches Blaine's shoulder, the worry evident on his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Definitely."

Only that he's not. Blaine's suddenly scared that he’s making a mistake, and weirdly enough he's not sure what the mistake is; fake-dating Tina, or going out with Kurt. Maybe it's both. He can't be seen outside flirting with someone when he's officially matched, and he shouldn't tell Kurt that this isn't a date when it feels like one. Blaine wants it to be a date.

Kurt ends up making him tea. Blaine must look horrible, otherwise Kurt wouldn't make such a fuss.

They sit on the couch together, the TV running in the background. Blaine stares at the steam rising from the tea. It's chamomile. "How do you know I like chamomile? Or was it a lucky guess?"

"You mentioned it at some point," Kurt says and there’s the blush again. Blaine would love to know what it means.

"I know we wanted to try out that pizza place, but can we stay here?"

Kurt doesn't seem surprised at all. Just a little bit sad. "Of course. We could even order pizza in if you want."

Blaine nods, but remains silent. Kurt stands up to get his phone and the menu of his favorite pizza restaurant. It takes a few minutes before he comes back. Blaine is feeling a little bit less anxious. He's sipped from his tea.

"Do you want to split a tiramisu with me?" Kurt asks,having already dialed the number.

"I'd love that," Blaine says and points at the pizza he wants.

They place their order and fall back into silence that is easy at first, but becomes more and more tense with every minute that passes until Kurt finally breaks it. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

Blaine sighs. He places down his cup and leans back against the couch. His hands are neatly folded in his lap. "It's all a lie."

And that's how it all comes out. Blaine tells Kurt about Tina's plan and how it unfolded. He tells him about their fears, their hopes, and how Blaine has to go through it alone now. He also tells Kurt about Mike, and that he's jealous, and how pathetic he feels because of it. Blaine lays out the entire story, from the beginning to the very end and then he sighs again.

"I really like you," Blaine adds to the story and he doesn't dare to look Kurt in the eyes. "And this might have ruined everything, but I really want this to be a date. I want to bring you flowers because you deserve them. I want to tell you that I’m singing the next song for you when we're at a karaoke bar. I want you to be my risk."

Kurt is quiet for a long time. Way too quiet. Blaine eventually looks up and he can read a few of the emotions on his friend's face, but not all of them. There's confusion, and anger. Frustration. Disappointment. But there's also something else. Something brighter. "What you did is very wrong. I'm not going to say anything, but I think you should tell June. Cheating is never a good idea."

"I know," Blaine says and he already knows he will come clean. Because it feels right, not just because Kurt wants him too. "But aside from June… How do you feel?"

"Do you think that you and me…" Kurt interrupts himself and shifts, turning half towards Blaine. "Could we be….? Could it be you?"

Blaine quickly shakes his head. "My soulmate is dead. I'm pretty sure of it."

More confusion on Kurt's face. More sadness. He presses his lips together and curves them to a smile. "I understand."

"But maybe I could make you happy till the right one for you shows up?" Not a demand. A question. Blaine is careful.

Kurt tilts his head. "Does chamomile tea and delivered pizza count as a date?"

Blaine feels relief wash over him and he smiles. "It does when someone brings flowers."

***

They watch Moulin Rouge while they eat pizza. Then they watch The Vow while they share tiramisu. Somewhere in the middle of the second movie, Kurt dares to snuggle up with Blaine. He's so nervous. Blaine is like a shy animal about to run when someone makes a quick move. It's not the first time Kurt’s wondered what scares him so much. He tells himself that it's stupid to ask that question, especially when he's scared himself.

The truth is that he still feels it. There's this pull towards Blaine. And even when he's hurt and disappointed for no real reason, he's also relieved to know that Tina isn't really Blaine's soulmate. It makes his own feelings real. If only Blaine felt the same way…

He makes a small noise when a hand wraps around his shoulders and Kurt angles his head back to look up at Blaine whose eyes are half closed. They're both tired and lazy after dinner and a bottle of wine.

"What are you thinking about?" Blaine asks and it makes Kurt's heart flutter. There's no way he can say the truth now.

"It's getting late."

"That's what you're thinking about?"

"Mhm." Kurt shifts a little so he can get a better look at Blaine. "We're close to the end of our first official secret date. You'd think that's a paradox, but it's not."

Blaine laughs and the sound is rumbly enough for Kurt to feel the vibration against this forearm. It feels amazing.

"Was it a good first date?" Blaine asks, still chuckling.

"It was, but…"

"But what?"

Kurt bites his lower lip and tits his head. "Will it end with a kiss?"

Blaine holds his breath. His warm eyes are wide and then he swallows. "Do you want it to?"

Kurt shrugs. He wants so badly to be smooth about this. No pressure whatsoever. He doesn't want Blaine to see that he's wanted it for weeks, ever since their fingers touched the very first time. "I sure do."

Blaine sits up straighter and then reaches up. He touches Kurt's cheek and another wave of pure bliss washes over him. Blaine's thumb brushes over his face and traces his jaw. His eyes flicker to his lips and then Blaine lifts Kurt's chin ever so slightly before he leans in.

When their lips touch, Kurt belongs. From one moment to the next, he knows his place. He's home.

...direction

They build themselves a fragile kingdom. Their relationship has to take place in private and from day to day Blaine can see that Kurt is more and more frustrated with it. It's not so much the big picture that keeps grinding them down, but the little things. When they're at June's workshop there are a thousand moments when they want to exchange glances or smiles, when they want to touch each other, but can't. Even when they do joke around, or amuse themselves with banter during breaks, they're always watching their backs. It's never truly careless.

"When will you finally tell her?" Kurt asks after one of the sessions when they are on their way to Blaine's place to have yet another date night at home.

"I always want to." It's not a lie. Blaine tries to gather his courage every single time before they meet, but whenever he sees June, he just can't. "I'm scared of the consequences."

"I won't wait forever."

It's not a threat, just a statement. It's also a lie, but Blaine doesn't know that.

---

Kurt starts to come to the Matchless shelter with Blaine. Mike comes regularly too now, and together with Tina the four of them develop a deep friendship that is easy enough to make them forget about all their problems for a few hours every week.

Nothing gets past the kids, of course. They ask questions after the first week, and Blaine explains calmly that Kurt is his boyfriend, but not his soulmate. It always ends with curious and very skeptical looks, that Blaine's able to let slide. It doesn't seem to be that easy for Kurt who usually tilts his head and gets that sad look on his face. Sometimes it makes Blaine wonder if he's making a mistake.

The first time the issue outgrows the kids is when Tina and Blaine watch Mike teaching Kurt a few classic ballroom moves. Kurt's visibly nervous. He blushes and chuckles a lot. It makes Blaine smile. Kurt's adorable.

"So. Are you in love?"

Tina asks the question so bluntly that Blaine's caught completely off guard. "What?"

"Kurt. Are you in love with him?" Tina looks at Blaine who can feel the heat in his own cheeks now. "You look at him like he's the answer."

"The answer to what?" Blaine tries not to get defensive, but it's hard.

Tina shrugs. "How would I know? You never talk about those things, Mr. Mysterious."

"Mr. Mysterious?" Blaine smiles at that, but he shakes his head.

"It's the truth," Tina insists and then she leans against him, bumping his shoulder gently. "It's time to open up a little, Blainey. He's good for you. There's no shame in admitting that."

"I…" Blaine thinks for a moment and then decides to be honest with his best friend. "I just don't want to get too used to it. Once he finds his soulmate, it'll all be over."

Blaine can't read the look Tina gives him at that, and when he's about to ask they get interrupted by Mike and Kurt, who want to show off their new accomplishments. Well, Mike wants to show off his new accomplishments. Kurt wants to try his new steps. With Blaine. They waltz, bodies pressed tightly against each other. Blaine floats and he forgets everything. When they go home that afternoon, Tina's look has already been forgotten.

***

Weeks pass, then months. They're two weeks away from the end of the workshop and June's sponsorship that will carry six of them through NYADA and the first few years of their career. Whoever gets chosen won't have to worry about financial security or a lack of influence with the right agencies and casting directors.

Two weeks.

For all they know, June's already decided.

That's the moment Blaine chooses to go through with it. Kurt had stopped pushing him to say something weeks ago. Now he just gets quiet every time they go to the workshop, and he remains quiet for hours afterwards. There's a stiffness in his shoulders that Blaine can feel in his own just from looking at him. He's going to end this charade. He doubts June will press charges. Important people rarely ever have time for things like that. Blaine thinks in best case scenarios. He has to. He wants to see where things are going with Kurt. Maybe, if he's lucky, he'll get a few more years.

Knocking on June's door he enters the office that's cozier than he expected. Almost an entire year with her and he's never been here before. The wooden interior is old and solid, dark wood. Everything looks sophisticated and warm. There are no decorations except for one gigantic oil painting that hangs between the two large windows. It shows a younger version of June sitting on a chair with a man standing behind her, a hand on her shoulder. "Your husband?"

"My soulmate," June replies and he leans back, her eyes on the painting. "I miss him every day."

"I can't imagine," Blaine says. He's not longing for what he's lost anymore. The pain has subsided. He considers himself lucky.

"The reason why I keep going is because I know he would want me to." June tears her eyes away from the painting and looks at Blaine. "He's always said that he loves my determination the most. I didn't allow fate to break me. That's what I owe him. And myself."

Blaine is quiet for a moment, thinking about her words before he steps closer. "You're such an inspiration. And I feel awful, but I came here to tell you that I made a terrible mistake. I've been lying. I'm not matched. Tina's not my soulmate."

June smiles and says, "I know."

The answer needs time to sink in. When it does, Blaine's eyes widen. "What?"

"Oh, honey." June stands up now and strolls around her desk to lean against it. "I've been doing this for years. Do you think you and your friend are the first ones who played mates to get close to me? I know imposters when I see them."

"But then why did you pick me?"

"Because you're special." June folds her hands and points them towards Blaine. "You have what it takes. You won't let anything stop you."

Blaine doesn't understand any of it. He just feels very young and very stupid. "So I'm allowed to stay in the workshop?"

June smiles at that. "You're not just allowed to stay. You'll come out of it as the winner. I'll turn you into a star, young man."

There are so many people who didn't lie to make it through and Blaine is one of those who will get sponsored. He can't wrap his head around it. He doesn't know if he should be happy about it or feel guilty. "Will you pick Kurt Hummel?"

The question is out before Blaine can really think about it and June frowns. "He only made the workshop because I needed an even number and he seemed more interesting than your fake girlfriend. But I won't sponsor him just because I need another person. There will be five sponsorships this year instead of six. Of course at the end we'll have to talk about what to do with your match. We can't have a scandal like that before you even start your career."

Blaine doesn't really listen to the part about Tina. His mind is stuck on Kurt and how June dismisses him like a necessary evil she accepted to make it look neat. "I don't want this sponsorship if Kurt doesn't get in."

"Don't be stupid." June's reply comes faster than expected and she looks angry all of a sudden. "I know you like him, but he's not your soulmate. You'll get over him. Don't throw away your own future just because you want to play the martyr for someone who's a side character in your life story."

It's clear as bell, then. Blaine doesn't want Kurt to be a side character. And he also doesn't want a future without Kurt in it. Whether or not Kurt finds the other part of his soul, Blaine will always look at him and see a kindred spirit. They're friends. Nothing will change that.

"He's special," Blaine insists. "More talented than any other person you have in your workshop. You have to see that…"

June seems to think about it for a moment. "He is very special. But that's just the problem. You can't win the masses with someone like that. He'll find his path, but it's nowhere near mainstream. And Broadway, my dear, is mainstream."

Blaine lifts his chin a little higher. "Can I share my sponsorship with him at least? If I'm as good as you say, then half of it should be enough to get me to the top."

Much to Blaine's surprise, June smiles. "I like a challenge."

"Oh." The sound Blaine makes is only half as silly as he feels. "Does that mean…?"

"That means," June says and pushes herself up to get back to her chair and sit down, "that I'll think about it. Now leave me alone before I change my mind about you instead of him."

"Thank you," Blaine breathes out and then he leaves, but not without saying it over his shoulder from the door one more time. "Thank you so much."

***

Blaine goes home after his conversation with June and immediately calls Kurt.

"Hey," he says, his voice light and carrying the smile he can't turn off. "I told June the truth. I'm still in. I get another chance."

Kurt starts to ramble how happy he is after that, but Blaine's mind keeps getting back to the sentence that means more to him than to Kurt.

I get another chance.

We. We get another chance.

...pain

Blaine sets the table to celebrate. It's a pretty big day for them. The news of the split sponsorship has spread through NYADA like wildfire and for the whole day Blaine and Kurt have been the center of attention.

When June stood in front of the school and made her decision public, she managed to make Blaine look like a martyr. A boy so in love with music and the stage that he'd give up everything to get where he rightfully belongs.

It makes him slightly uncomfortable, but it seems to work. Of course there are whispers and glances. It could be way worse, though. There are a few people who obviously have a problem with the whole situation, but most of it is gossip and won't last long. If Blaine's lucky, it'll make a good anecdote when he's an old man.

Kurt battles through the whole thing. There are a few days when he goes through phases. First he’s angry, almost outraged. Then he’s frustrated, disappointed, and even though he’s still supportive of Blaine and trying his best to be grateful, he takes it personally. Like he’s not good enough. Blaine makes it his mission to set things straight. There are seemingly endless nights of conversation and kisses, hot and desperate against his lips, and then caressing and with a deep and honest worship, against his skin. The harsh bitterness slowly disappears and after a few days, Kurt is happy. Above anything else, that might be Blaine's favorite thing about how this whole story ended. How they managed to get the sponsorship doesn’t feel as important anymore. What matters is that they’re in it as a team. Kurt starts to go going on and on how they will take Broadway by storm and Blaine gives in, flailing with his boyfriend about all the opportunities that will come from this.

That's the next great novelty in Blaine's life. He can use the word boyfriend and he does at every opportunity. Tina asks him if he wants to come over for a movie, he tells her that he already has plans with his boyfriend. The twins want to know who he's splitting his sponsorship with, Blaine tells them with his boyfriend. He calls his mom to fill her in and happily tells her that he has a boyfriend.

All in all, it's perfect.

Blaine whistles a tune as he polishes one of the glasses again, when suddenly pain erupts in his chest and the glass slips from his fingers. It drops and shatters. Blaine's barely even aware of the shards that scratch the wooden floor under his feet as he drags himself to the couch. It has to be a heart attack. There's no other explanation for pain like this. He feels hot and cold at the same time, sweat breaks out on his forehead and his vision blurs. Blaine wants to reach the phone so badly. He knows he has to get help. But when he stretches out, his hand only inches away from his phone, the blur in the corner of his eyes expands and he slips into darkness. First he can't see. Then the ring in his ears makes him deaf. And then the world slips through his fingers.

***

Long before the brick connects with his head, Kurt knows he doesn't really stand a chance. They kick him when he's on the ground, his chest tight with panic. It's painfully obvious that they don't want to prank or tease him. This is a brutal attack, and even though Kurt tries to fight back at first, it's five against one and he goes down quickly.

What hurts the most is that it happens for all the wrong reasons. They spit it into his face. Matchbreaker, they call him. Bond hag. Albino , like the matchless kids. Someone who doesn't deserve a match.

Fama, the Greek goddess of rumors has wings with thousands of feathers and each feather has an eye, an ear and a mouth to spread her lies. His attackers think Kurt is the reason Blaine left Tina, his one true love and soulmate. It's a twisted rumor born out of gossip. Kurt knows it's worse for gay people, and he's never understood why. He just knows that it's unfair. He feels it with every bruise they leave on his body. Very briefly, his thoughts go out to the matchless kids he’s worked with with Blaine, and he has no doubt that each and every one of them deserves a soulmate over the people who keep kicking him.

The brick comes last. One of the guys lifts it up and slams it down, some force added to the drop. It hits Kurt's forehead, right above his eye. His vision blurs and darkens. There's a shrill sound in his ears. Then everything disappears.

***

Blaine wakes up hours after he collapsed on the couch and immediately starts to cry. He usually doesn't. Even though he's the kind of person who gets emotional quickly, he doesn't like to be vulnerable, not even when he's alone, and it's not like him to curl up and sob into a pillow. And yet, that's exactly what's happening and he can't stop. He cries till his eyes burn and breathing gets hard. His heart aches. Everything is raw, his body and his soul.

Finally he manages to send a text to Tina, who shows up a little bit later. Shock and worry are written all over her face when she crouches down in front of Blaine. She's never seen him like this. Blaine just shakes his head. He can't explain.

Tina tries to sooth him, her hand brushing over his cheek. "I'll make you some tea, okay? Everything's okay."

Nothing is okay, though. Blaine can feel it. Something is so wrong that it won't let him think.

Tina puts down a cup of chamomile tea in front of him before she goes to clean up the mess from the broken glass. Blaine watches the steam dissolve and he frowns.

"Kurt," he whispers quietly and sits up.

"What?" Tina cocks her head and looks at him, a dustpan full with shards in her hand.

"Kurt was supposed to be here," Blaine explains and then he reaches for his phone. He dials, but doesn't get through. "He didn't come."

***

When Blaine can't reach Kurt that evening or the next day, he decides to take matters into his own hands. There's this weird feeling in his chest that he can't shake and he's too nervous to think about what it all means. Right now he just wants to get to his boyfriend. He takes the subway to Kurt's place and rings the bell frantically a couple times in a row. He doesn't expect anyone to open the door for him, but relief gives way to worry as soon as he's let in, not by Kurt but by Rachel, his best friend.

Her eyes are red and her face is puffy.

"Blaine," she says and hugs him tightly. They haven't seen each other more than four or five times and always very briefly, but she doesn't seem to care. "I didn't know whether or not to call you. You're lucky you caught me, I'm just packing a few things for him."

"Where is he?" Blaine asks, with no doubt that all of this is about Kurt. "Is he okay?"

Rachel shakes her head briefly, biting her lower lip. "He was attacked yesterday. He's at the hospital. The doctor says he's gonna be fine, but he hasn't woken up yet. They’re keeping him sedated because of the pain."

Once again, Blaine feels sick and he finds himself led to the couch by Rachel, who sits down next to him and takes his hand.

"He was supposed to come for dinner," Blaine says quietly, and his fingers tremble in Rachel's hands. "Who would do something like this?"

"The police think it was a hate crime," Rachel says carefully and she lets the words sink in. "There's an eye witness, an old woman who called the ambulance. She said there were five or six men and they called him a matchbreaker and an albino."

Something hot and sour coils up in Blaine's stomach. He thinks about the kids he talks to every week, about their white hair and their pale skin. He's always hated that people call others albino to insult them, but it hurts even more when it's directed at someone he cares about.

"Kurt's not matchless. And he's not a matchbreaker either." Blaine tries to make sense of it, but can't. "I don't get it."

"People are talking."

Blaine frowns, and it's the look on her face that makes him understand. There's pity in Rachel's eyes, and when Blaine processes it, he turns ice cold with guilt. "It's my fault. They think he broke up my relationship."

"Your soulmateship," Rachel corrects, and squeezes Blaine's hand. "Kurt knows it's not your fault. He'll wake up and he'll be fine."

Something about the way she spoke the last sentence makes Blaine believe that Rachel needs to reassure herself as well as him, and he squeezes back. "Can I go see him?"

"I think he'd expect it from his soulmate."

He's not my soulmate.

Blaine wants to say it. It's on the tip of his tongue. But his chest feels too tight for its own emptiness, and he just knows. The warmth and the happiness, the feeling of finally being at home. Even when all that couldn't convince him, the pain he felt, the pain he still feels, and the certainty in Rachel's voice, leave no more room for denial.

Sometimes light needs darkness.

Blaine wishes it weren't so.

...a beginning

Kurt is the first person Blaine knows who doesn't look smaller in a hospital bed. Even with his eyes closed, cuts on his brow and his lip, and bruises on his face, Kurt looks strong and proud. The Greeks had stories about half gods. This is how Blaine pictures them. He sits at Kurt's bedside for hours and just looks at his face. Every little flutter of his lashes feels like hope, but it takes a long time till Kurt wakes up.

Once it happens, Blaine smiles. "Hey, you."

Kurt doesn't smile. He frowns and the small muscles in his face protest. He flinches against the pain. "What happened?"

Blaine explains it all. He can see the tears glisten in Kurt's eyes, and once again it has nothing to do with weakness. It's pure anger. It dissolves quickly, though. Kurt's too tired. It's obvious. His eyes lose their focus every now and again and he blinks rapidly to stay awake.

"Sleep," Blaine says and takes Kurt's hand. He kisses his knuckles gently. "Get some rest. I'm here now."

Kurt sighs and his breathing evens out. He trusts Blaine. It's the peace of this kind of sleep that finally makes Kurt look as young and as soft as he is. It also makes Blaine realize for the first time that he wouldn't be able to survive if anything happened to Kurt.

***

Love is a tragedy. There's no love story that can be told without it, even if it's just in tiny moments that are soon forgotten.

In Blaine's case, the tragedy stretches out. He stays with Kurt until he wakes up again, but he's quiet and grateful that Kurt is still too out of it to really notice. A little bit later Kurt's father shows up, and Blaine takes it as his excuse to run.

For years he kept his heart carefully guarded to avoid the very situation he's stuck in now. Doomed to love. That's how Blaine has looked at it so far and how he can't look at it anymore. The way he feels for Kurt isn't doom. It's also not love. Not yet, at least. But it's heading there. It doesn't feel forced. There's not this cage he always expected to be trapped in. Instead, it feels like fate chose the person he would have chosen for himself. But it's not a choice at all and a small voice in his head keeps telling him that. It's the same voice that tells him to leave before he loves.

***

He doesn't visit Kurt after that. He doesn't text. He doesn't call. The bond is there, that might be true, but a bond is there between all soulmates and maybe if they never address it, it won't harm them. Blaine starts to feel empty. He eats, he goes to school, he sleeps. But he's just a ghost.

***

Kurt should heal, but he doesn't. The cuts and bruises disappear, but he's in constant pain and he can't keep his eyes open for long. The pressure in his head is something that worries the doctors. They run several tests, but find nothing.

***

Blaine develops a fever out of nowhere. He doesn't have a cold or any other sickness, but his limbs feel heavy and his muscles ache. His temperature keeps rising. Tina brings him chicken soup and looks worried. She has a long conversation with Mike right outside his bedroom. He can't make out the words, but he hears the murmurs.

***

The doctors want to keep him, but Kurt checks out of the hospital. His dad is not pleased, but lets him. Rachel is not pleased, and she keeps whining until Kurt snaps and tells her that she's making his headache worse.

"Should I take you straight home?" she asks after that. The tone in her voice leaves no doubt that she's miffed. She also wants Kurt to notice.

He doesn't have time for games, though. "Blaine's place, please."

Kurt hasn't heard from his boyfriend in days. He doesn't know what's wrong, but guilt can be tricky sometimes and he figures that things will get better now that he's out of the hospital. He still feels like someone used him as a chew toy and spit him out, but mostly he's just longing for his soulmate.

***

"What are you doing here?" Blaine asks when he opens the door and then he becomes aware of how pale Kurt is and that his eyes are half closed. "Oh my God, come in. Sit down."

Blaine helps Kurt drag himself to the couch and he sits down next to him. There's silence between them. It's Kurt who breaks it.

"A relationship is a partnership for me, Blaine." Kurt straightens up and looks over to him. "When I'm on the ground, I expect my partner to be there."

Blaine has to lower his gaze at that. He presses his lips together and nods, thinking about his next words. "There's no excuse…"

"Give me one. Please." Kurt's voice is barely contained anger now. "Because you need a pretty good one to make me understand why you left me alone when I needed you the most."

"You're my soulmate." Blaine draws in a sharp breath and lets it out in stutters. "You're my soulmate, Kurt."

No way back.

"How is that an excuse?" Kurt asks and now he's cautious instead of angry. That's just the thing. Kurt always seems to know what Blaine needs.

"It's not a good one." Blaine turns towards Kurt and takes his hand. "But I'm terrified."

And then Blaine finally starts to talk. About growing up longing for the other soul that would make his own complete. About falling in love over and over again just because there was hope that the right one might come any moment now. Blaine feels the old heartache spread into his veins and muscles when he tells Kurt about the night of the dance, and the boy who wasn't Blaine's soulmate and died before finding true love.

He tells the whole story and then he starts to explain. He explains that he feels manipulated by their bond. Tricked into love. That he doesn't want a relationship based on whatever biological disposition made them perfect for each other.

Much to Blaine's surprise, Kurt smiles. "Are you honestly telling me that our relationship was okay when you still thought that we were just friends slowly turning into something more, but now it's suddenly not okay anymore because we're soulmates?"

"I felt my soulmate die…" Blaine still doesn't understand that. "I was so sure that I was safe with you."

They talk about that too. The overwhelming pain. The tightness in Blaine's chest. They try to think back to the date when it happened and Kurt's eyes go wide. "My dad's diagnosis."

"I felt you were in trouble," Blaine adds and they look at each other like they just found a treasure. "And I wasn't there for you, even though our bond wanted me to."

"Oh, but you were there for me," Kurt replies and there's a small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. "Weeks later. When I stayed overnight. And you being there for me had nothing to do with the bond. It was just my best friend being there for me."

"But…" Blaine runs his hands through his hair in frustration. He's in way over his head.

"You're not scared of being forced." Kurt gets a little bit closer. Blaine doesn't mind at all. "You're scared of getting hurt. I understand that. Most people are. But do you know what makes soulmates so wonderful?"

"What?"

"Being afraid together makes the fear less scary."

Kurt has a pink scar right above his eyebrow. It will heal nicely. Blaine can't stop staring. He remembers the sheer panic he felt when Kurt got hurt and the need to get to him. To make sure he was okay. To make it all better, simply because Kurt is the most wonderful person he knows. "Do you really think that we would like each other without the bond?"

Now Kurt leans in and kisses Blaine's cheek softly. "I'm positive. We're best friends."

"You know me," Blaine says and means it.

"You're welcome," Kurt replies with a wink.

The fever is gone. So is the pain. They sit next to each other and lean in for a gentle and sweet kiss.

Blaine looks Kurt in the eyes and he knows that he still has a long way to go.

He's not afraid anymore.

They're together.

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