BREATHE

[withbreathe-blog]

Who I Am

So I'm sitting here. Sitting and thinking about the world, about my part in all this. I'm thinking about who I am, who I was, who I want to be and who I will be. And yet I cannot answer any of those questions.

It's too complex. Who am I when I'm sad? Another girl than the happy one, another girl than the angry one and again another than the scared. And when I'm sad, I'm also kind of angry I guess, kind of scared, too, and in some part, yes, kind of happy as well. But how can that be? How can different be the same? How can many be one and one be many? How can it be that I'm another person for you than for the one next to you? How can I be Millions and Billions of people and still... still be just me? How am I supposed to know whether I'm smart or not, whether I'm pretty or not, whether I'm right or wrong? Can I make that up myself? Is it what I think, that counts? Can I say that I'm smart and puff, I am? Is that how it works? If that is how it works, well, than I guess I am who I want to be.  At least theoretically. Practically, it's not that easy. I do not think that I'm especially smart or especially pretty, I do not think that I'm always right, on the contrary. Still I wanna be those things. I wanna be smart and pretty and right and a lot of people think I am. Some don't, though. It's confusing.

Is it even possible to decide for yourself who you are? I mean, we are all influenced by our surroundings, if everyone says that you’re good at something, why not believe them? Why not say to yourself: Wow, I'm brilliant! And if everyone says that you suck, why not believe them? Why not say to yourself: I'm shit! And what to do when they don't agree? When half says that you’re great and the other half tells you that you're defenitely not. What is one supposed to think then, because, they must have reason. Now I'm saying to myself that I'm shit, because of the reasons they gave me. And yet I hate myself because I think this way, because I'm great as well, aren't I? But I shouldn't say so, because I'm not that good at all and I'm not allowed to think that way either, because I am that good. It's confusing. It's too complex.

So I list my mistakes, list everything that I don't like about myself, that they don't like about me. And I realise, that there are things on that list that I do not even care about. And there are some misssing. Some I myself really really hate, because they make me remember how bad people made me feel, people who had those, for me negative, qualities as well. And now it's not only about what people think of me anymore. Now there's also my past which haunts me, which reminds me of every little mistake I did. Every single, little mistake they did. And I do not wanna be this person anymore. And that is everything I see and nothing else. I see the things I am, the things I hate and the things I wanna fight, with all I have. I wanna run, wanna outrun this person, I do not wanna be like them, not at all, not in any way. Now I am focused on everything bad in myself, I can't even see the good anymore. I have no time for that. If someone tells me I'm good, I don't believe it, because I'm not. And the moment I say so, they tell me I'm dumb, because I cannot see how great I am. How does that make sense? It's confusing. It's just too complex.

I make another list. With the things I wanna be. I wanna be strong, I wanna be brave, I wanna be loyal and understanding, I wanna be passionate and hardworking, I wanna be there when you need me and I wanna be a person that knows when you do, I wanna make other living beings happy, I wanna fight for what I think is right, I wanna be a person that is someone she likes. And I try everyday. I try very hard, sometimes I give my best and sometimes I don't. I fail every day and yet I succeed, yet I proceed and yet I grow. Out of who I was and into who I wanna be. In the present away from my past and into my future. And every night I lie in my bed and I think: I'm not great. But it doesn't matter, because I fought, I fight and I still will be tomorrow. And someday, someday I will be great.

When the years passed by, I myself will know that I'm a good person, that I'm beautiful, even when I make mistakes, even when someone says that I'm not good enough. I will realise, that it is not about the aim itself, it's the way that counts. It is how hard I fight and how well I know myself. I will always  be that girl who fought her way out of the four walls she hated. I will always be the daughter who isn't worth it. The sister who went to save herself and left her beloved ones behind. The girl who hurt others with words because she was afraid of feeling their pain as well. The classmate who lied and babbled about the most random things, so no one saw the stuff she tried to hide. These things will never leave me, because I'm not one thing. I am not one person. I am Millions and Billions of people in one, sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm angry, yesterday i was different than today and tomorrow, yes, tomorrow I will be a whole other person. I am who I was and who I want to be, what I will be. I am what you think of me and I am what I think of myself. I am angry and sad and happy and scared all at the same time, even if one may dominate.

Because that’s me.

[withbreathe-blog]

Trust no kings, kings throw girls in towers, trust your wings, for a girl with wings will soar past kings as they look up from towers.

[withbreathe-blog]

How do we sleep while the rest of them cries? How do we dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye? How do we walk with our heads held high? Can we even look them in the eye?

And tell them why?

[withbreathe-blog]

Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for There's some strength left in us yet. Hold on to the world we all remember dying for There's some hope left in it yet. Arise and be all that you dreamed.

Flyleaf

[withbreathe-blog]

So , I was walking down the streets of a city, a bigger one, and in the corner of the street I saw homeless people sitting. Instantly, I decided that they’re not my problem, I ignored them and walked straight past. And I didn’t do that only once.

One time, I actually stopped when a woman in a wheelchair asked me for money. I answered honestly that I hadn’t had much with me and she said: “That’s just fine, I don’t need much. Just these little one and two cent coins, that get on everyone’s nerves, if you could give yours to me, that would be so great.” So I did and it really wasn’t much money, maybe about twenty cents. But she was so thankful, she said that I made her day and that I am a good person.

When I think back to this now, I feel SO bad... Because I wasn’t.. a good person. In that very moment she stopped me, I didn’t give a shit about her.

We all do things like that on a daily basis. We laugh about leprosy-jokes, though we know that there’s nothing funny about them. We throw away so much paper and plastic, though we know exactly that it’s bad for our environment. We waste tons of food and water, though we know that there are actually millions of people starving to death and dying of thirst. We mock vegans, though we know that with every piece of meat we eat and with every glass of milk we drink, we support factory farming, something so incredibly awful and horrible, none of us can really imagine.

Every single day we are failing to see or failing to face the problems that are lying straight ahead of us, but do not concern us directly.

We all claim to be good people, but honestly, who are we kidding? I mean, we are all good people at heart, but at the end of the day we sure as hell did nothing more than shutting our eyes, not even watching, but ignoring and walking past.

Albert Einstein once said: “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything”  And we are those people. But there’s still time to change the road we’re on!

So let’s stop walking for just a minute. And spend this minute standing, remembering all the little things we’re shutting out every single day. And let’s try to change them. One tiny step at a time. Because really, it is the little one and two cent coins, which get on everyone’s nerves, that do make a difference.

[withbreathe-blog]

Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but that's no excuse! In my opinion the most beautiful people are those who accept their bright side and don't mind showing this to others. But moreover, those people don't feel bad about their mistakes, instead they are trying everyday to reduce them. And because of this self-awareness it seems like they are inviolable!  

[withbreathe-blog]

Sometimes you have to pause for a moment and remind yourself about what you want to do. A lot of things often seem very scary, but try to look impartial at your whole situation and you'll realize that there's nothing to be scared about. You can do anything you want if you have faith in yourself.

[withbreathe-blog]

You're the only one who has the right to judge yourself. If it matters to you to take e.g. a day off or to sleep 10 hours instead of 8, do it. Maybe it seems difficult, but on the other hand, how can it be hard? It's your choice!