Withered Mind

I let it all out here.

[witheredm1nd]

Jan 1, 2016 I had my first breakdown this year. I think I am depressed again. I told my brother what happened to me. I think it’s about time he learned the truth. I’m not doing well. I am letting it all out on my workout. I hope this goes well. I’m also dieting. Fruits for lunch and intense workout. I keep telling myself that this is healthy.

[witheredm1nd]

i fucking hate you

[witheredm1nd]

Backfire

Boy, I swear if you keep looking at me that way I'll fall in no time. Don't say I didn't warn you. Don't say you didn't do anything. The least you can do is own up to your actions. I know cause I've done this a million times and still play dumb. It's addicting. It becomes a habit. A bad one. Making people under your spell, making them under your strings. Pulling them close, but not too close enough.

Girl, you’ve got it all wrong. I mean yes, I was looking at you but only because you remind me of someone I had long forgotten A girl from my past, someone who I once knew or thought I did, fell in love with and broke my heart. Sorry if I misled you, it’s just that I felt my heart crumble. Let me introduce myself, “Hi, my name is *&^%$. What’s yours?”

And then I understood everything.

[witheredm1nd]

Encephalitis

I will creep in to you like a virus

I’ll make sure to infect your cells, making it possible for me to invade you and every inch of your body

Darling, it will seem like I’m your kryptonite I’m sorry but the thought of this makes me high I just can’t control this deluded mind of mine It just sounds so romantic thinking that I’m the one who makes you weak And baby, I need you in order to live; to survive. I don’t exist without you. I’m nothing. Can’t you see? We’ve got a great story here But I hate to break to you but our ending is just tragic. You’d have to kill me in order to survive. I would end up killing you otherwise. Tragic isn’t it? To have such delusional thoughts.

[witheredm1nd]

May 17, 2015 My best friend said she misinterpreted my words. It came to her as a negative comment. Maybe that's what she thinks of me. It's that easy to explain.

[witheredm1nd]

May 17, 2015

My best friend responded to my message and I don’t know what to feel about it. It did not make me feel any better. It made me cry. I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I just need a beer, that’s for sure. I hate feeling this way. I hate conflicts. I hate everything. I hate how I don’t know how to explain myself. How I am sad all the time. How I’m scared and I don’t even know why. I hate the fact that I’m still breathing. I hate the fact that I don’t have the courage to take myself. Well, not like before. I hate how my friends love me for the way I am. I hate how they can tolerate me. I hate how they can look me straight in the eye and tell me that they’re here for me. Why can’t you all see that I am not worthy of your time? I am not worthy of anything. I am nothing. I am a waste of space. I need an out. Now. I can’t take this pain anymore. I don’t want to be a bother anymore. I am really scared right now. 

[witheredm1nd]

Hi It’s been a while since I last posted. My bad. I just thought that writing in my journal would be more appropriate but no, I’m too lazy to write my feelings. So yes, updates on my life. 

I had my first meltdown this month (May 9, 2015). It wasn’t pretty. I lost control of my anger. I punched the head board of my bed several times, I got blood clot and then I stole the remaining beer in the refrigerator. 

After that day, I can’t stop feeling blue. Remember what I said about feeling like 2011 all over again? Yeah. That feeling. I just wanna cry every night because everything hurts at the end of the day. 

May 13, 2015 

I phone died. It literally did. I couldn’t open it. I tried everything. I swear I was devastated. Crushed. Abandoned. Why would something leave without saying good bye? I hate getting attached to people because people will always leave you. 

May 14, 2015

My phone miraculously worked. I opened my phone and got a messaged from my best friend. It left me broken hearted. I didn’t even do anything. The words were very harsh like she wasn’t even my friend anymore. 

May 15, 2015

I watched an orchestral performance earlier this evening. It was really beautiful. It touched my soul. And of course, I felt sad after that. I read my best friend’s message again. I broke down in tears. I couldn’t breathe earlier. I talked to my other best friend and friend, they helped me feel better. I asked for advice. I told them what I felt. They were really helpful. I can’t help feeling like shit though. My mind won’t stop telling me that I am a worthless piece of shit. 

[witheredm1nd]

I wish I have someone to talk about things that make me cry or just feel sad. I was in the car earlier and I was almost in tears but I didn't want to cry because my mum would say something about me being crazy which is kind of true. She can't accept that though. People with mental illness for her are weak or just being stupid. She doesn't acknowledge any problem except for hers. It's hard to be her daughter. She doesn't try to understand things. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. I just want to go home and not have this feeling because of your selfishness

[witheredm1nd]

False Hope

[witheredm1nd]

Backup

By definition, backup is a person, plan, device, etc., kept in reserve to serve as a substitute, if needed. AKA Abby, me. 

Always the odd number member of the group. Third wheeler, fifth wheeler. I’m just here in case someone needs me. Don’t worry, I’m used to it.

What I’m not used to is being the other one (this was before college). 

Well, I’ve kind of gotten used to it but I’m against it and don’t encourage it. Starts out with a great night. Next thing you know he got back with his girlfriend, or worse - they never really broke up. Foolish act. What’s worst and more stupid than that? They know that you know that they are in a “serious” relationship and They still call you up in the middle of the night asking the question “Where are you?”. Why? Because they know I have no one - “available" is the first word that comes to my mind. I always refuse but they never stop. They like the thrill, I guess. What they don’t understand is that I’m not that kind of person. I know how hard it is to trust someone because a stupid fuck broke your trust. Turns out that person is another stupid fuck. 

To summarize my life - ‘Always the Other, Never the One’.

// I did not intend for it to be this way. It just happened. What this has become is a fucking rant of an alone human being who witnessed idiots throw their relationships away.//

[witheredm1nd]

November 4, 2014 // 5 AM thoughts

[witheredm1nd]

Fuck You

I've got all the poems in my head

But I don't bother writing them anymore

For the reason that they're all inspired by you

I won't give you that privilege because you've caused enough trouble in my life

This is the only piece I'll write because

I just want to say fuck you for leaving me behind

[witheredm1nd]

I used to think that drowning myself with alcohol will make me forget you Hoping to shut all these thoughts of you - It sure does the trick for a little while But the minute I get drunk, you're the only thing on my mind

me

[witheredm1nd]

This is it

The time my life begins to end. Ha! 

I start looking for an internship.

Graduate college

Find a job

Move out

Somewhere in between, I will find a partner

Get married

Have kids

{Go to work 

Take care of kids

Have sex every now and then}

It's a cycle until I die

We are free to do whatever is inside the circle. 

This so called life is a trap ~

[witheredm1nd]

Got laid OCT 12

[witheredm1nd]

I’m so weird. Here’s why

So I haven’t had feelings for anyone else for such a long time. I almost thought that I was incapable of liking someone. Then few months ago,I realized I like someone. So I was like finally!!!! Few days ago so told him that I like him but he said he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I felt kind of heartbroken because of that. Then I remembered how I felt before (when I was in high school, got my heart broken thrice lol). I felt it all at once. I was in the verge of crying but I didn't want. Feelings rushed over me that if you say something wrong, I would probably had a meltdown. I felt like this for a few hours. 

Then the next day, I wanted to thank this guy that I like. Of course I didn't cause that would be stupid. I wanted to thank him because I thought I had given up on this thing. It's hard for me to like someone. Almost impossible and he made that happen. I felt like I have a heart again. 

So yeah that's why I'm weird. I wanted to thank the guy who basically rejected me. And it's my first time to be the first one to tell someone I like them. 

[witheredm1nd]

It's been 4 years since I last heard your voice but I still remember how it sounds.