Damn Fine

Ok straight up, this just me ranting

[withfriendslikeu]

I went from inconsolably crying to just a ball of anxiety.

Damn.. that two week long work week is sadly looking really nice right now.

Gonna have to drop heavy in someone’s arms tonight.

I give up.

[withfriendslikeu]

Over my situationship lol

Back to obsessing over my ex. That I don’t want back. Yet we insist on seeing each other once a week.

[withfriendslikeu]

I’m sorry I haven’t been dating for six years. Breadcrumbing is a new concept to me.

[withfriendslikeu]

I sent you that passage and you said that it hurt to read.

And that made me smile.

I wish it didn’t feel so good to make you feel so bad.

Next week I’ll forget all about it.

[withfriendslikeu]

[withfriendslikeu]

I could fall in love with anyone and that’s always been my big problem.

I’m picky when talking it over while having a drink with a friend.

But in practice. I’m a big mess

[withfriendslikeu]

I won’t.

That’s how it works. It burns its memory in your mind and just kinda takes up space. A lot of space. If someone was asking you how to arrange the furniture in your mind they would say this couch is too big for this room. And you’d tell them they don’t know what they’re talking about but every time a friend came over They’d let you know this couch is too big for this room.

How can they tell, how can they see what I’m incapable of seeing?

I felt different. Giddy. I saw something I recognized but also something untampered by my prerogative to meddle until I make something ungodly to look at 

People see a pretty face. So many compliments everywhere we go.

They think they’re lucky to be going out with me.

They’re not. They don’t know.

I want to be what everyone else is telling me I am. But no man that’s spent his better part of an evening with me would ever pay me that compliment. 

[withfriendslikeu]

Feelings coming for me from every direction right now.

Really need about two days where I lay in bed and watch movies and disassociate for a little while…

Getting such a crash course in love and dating lately.

Life is always more complicated than some lead on. 

[withfriendslikeu]

Someone told me recently that it’s not normal to remember the names of all your teachers from elementary school and I got a little cross about the subject. Not because I think I’m special for remembering all of their names because I do and all of them I have a formative memory with like for example, in third grade Mrs. Brown had a nose piercing and one day she like leaned over my desk and for some reason, I just felt the need to look down her shirt and I definitely got a good look and I also thought it was very scandalous at age 8 for someone to have a nose piercing but anyway your world is so small at that age. What do you mean I wouldn’t remember this??

this might as well be the most important thing in my life, I’m seven. 

[withfriendslikeu]

Fully charged phone at the bar so I can message my friends and drink in peace and talk to no one.

[shisasan]

Gelatin Silver, Love (2009), ゼラチンシルバーLOVE dir. Kazumi Kurigami

[withfriendslikeu]

I hate smelling like cigarettes but I need a different vice instead of drinking tonight

[withfriendslikeu]

Remember, when your first boyfriend, you guys used to call each other, the fruit and the tart

that was quite cute.

Obviously, I was the tart 

[withfriendslikeu]

I wrote something so vulnerable and so beautiful today and I know I like to post a lot of my personal feelings online and I was going to post it and then I read it and I just felt this pain in my chest being like this is so personal can you really put this online and I stopped myself and I never really stopped myself ever and that’s probably why I should put it online because I think it’s probably very relatable 

[withfriendslikeu]

I’m gonna choose to stare down the barrel and be better

[withfriendslikeu]

I hope this means nothing.

I hope this means nothing.

I hope I don’t remember this.

[withfriendslikeu]

No one told me that you were going to miss everyone. It feels like there’s something sitting on my chest the way you feel when you’re experiencing wakefulness while sleeping you see the hat man in the door, but the hat man is just your friends from past lives. I’m choking. I’m choking on my desire my desire to not be here my desire to not feel pain to remember that once I felt everything for the very first time Limerence anxiety every passing moment of every relationship that wasn’t exactly what you thought it would be and you know (gestures in a certain way) I’m listening to this The National song yeah it’s embarrassing. I’m a millennial. I’m listening to this national song and I want to die…..

…… I wish i never met Josh

God we don’t let anything go