— SHE THINKS I'M TOO CRITICAL!!

private and selective lucille bluth of arrested development | as written by sylvie | est. 23/02/18

[withhclding]

Mom <3

❛   —–  what do you want ??     ❜

[casliyn]

In this house we love and support the Arrested Development Women.

[withhclding]

❛ a very upsetting thing to hear, yes? ❜

LUCILLE DOESN’T GET UPSET, or so she protests, silently, for it’s a surface level lie they could both disprove within seconds, and she’s tired of him seeing through her carefully crafted exterior. her entire life has been a project, a venture to travel through life in as much comfort and with as little pain as she can manage; to feel nothing, and still be credited for being alive. ‘YOU MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO SEE YOU IN ORDER TO PROTECT YOURSELF.’ she’s failed. he saw her, and he fucked it. she’s exposed, unprotected, &&. she will forever blame harry hart for her own fault - the fact that, no matter the distance, she always felt him too deeply to ever be the stoical mastermind she’d trained her whole life to be.

two weeks. that’s how long a butterfly lives. she recalls asking him, when they were younger and their intimacy was brisk and simple, and being surprised to hear so short an answer. she had lay awake that night, listening to his shallow breathing and thinking about how little people like them managed to accomplish in those weeks, when weeks were all a butterfly ever knew. for some strange reason, when she had realised when she had thought that harry was lost to her, it was that concept that had returned to her. sure, their days were years, their weeks were decades, but the idea remained the same, and she was struck with the fear that she had lived their relationship like she had lived a butterfly’s life. two weeks. two decades. what’s the difference, if she never unravelled everything she meant to say ??

❛ …i didn’t hear it, i thought it. ❜ and therein lies the issue, indisputably, plain as fucking day, for lucille has not had a sensible thought in all her adult life. THE UNFED MIND DEVOURS ITSELF. her head has always been a cloud of unworkable plans and erratic assumptions, fighting to control all it encounters whilst it fails to control itself. and now it’s killed a man, killed her lover, and let her grieve for him, had hercancelling social engagements and drinking vodka straight from the bottle and wearing that damn butterfly brooch as though its pinned a part of him to her. it’s had her praying for his soul. for months, she had only lost him, and now that he’s returned to her, she discovers she was responsible the entire time. ❛ i’d rather someone had told me. then it would be their fault, not ours. ❜ours. as though he is at fault, was at fault, for his own loss. but guilt is a haunted path, and she clings to him as her companion as she walks because it’s not something she wants to face alone.

❛ —– of course it was an upsetting thing. ❜ finally, a whisper, vulnerability she’ll only let him hear. an unsteady hand cups his jaw, and she leans in, pressing a lingering kiss to his cheekbone, just beneath the patch which covers his eye from her view. ❛ don’t leave me again. ❜

somewhere, on the other side of the earth, a butterfly flaps its wings into its fifteenth sunrise.

( @hismanners | john mulaney starters ( accepting !! ) )

[grim-memes]

Family Headcanons

👩 = What’s your muse’s relationship with their mother, what made it that way?

👨 = What’s your muse’s relationship with their father, what made it that way?

👩‍👧‍👧  = Does your muse have any siblings? Do they wish they had more/any?

🌟 = Who is your muse’s favorite family member, why?

👎 = Is there anyone in your muse’s family they dislike, why?

👍 = Does your muse think they’re a good child and/or sibling?

💕 = What are your muse’s thoughts on parenting and being a parent even if they aren’t one?

💜 = What children does your muse have, do they want anymore/any at all?

😤 = How would/does your muse handle unruly, difficult or dangerous behavior from their children?

👌 = Does your muse thing they are/would be a good parent?

😞 = Finding an orphaned child would your muse opt to take them in, find someone more qualified, or just leave them?

😫 = How does your muse handle a family member being stressed out? What about sick?

⚰️ = How would the loss of a family member affect them? Does it vary based on type of family member?

🍳 = What kind of family gatherings does your muse prefer and why?

✨ = How important is family to your muse?

[ohisms-a]

*  JOHN  MULANEY ;  THE  COMEBACK  KID.

❛  we’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of the room.  ❜ ❛  block letters and cursive look good together!  ❜ ❛  yeah, but the past is the past.  ❜ ❛  i mean we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly.  ❜ ❛  i don’t give off that vibe.  ❜ ❛  you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you.  ❜ ❛  i’m so open and vulnerable.  ❜ ❛  i love saying “my wife”, it sounds so adult.  ❜ ❛  marriage is gonna be very magical.  ❜ ❛  ooh, who’s that fella? i bet he did kill his wife.  ❜ ❛  how could another person kill someone?  ❜ ❛  i’m not gonna do it, but i totally get it.  ❜ ❛  it’s creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly.  ❜ ❛  anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die.  ❜ ❛  that’s not even a situation.  ❜ ❛  hey, you seen any loose milk?  ❜ ❛  i don’t know if you can tell that from the… everything about me.  ❜ ❛  … and a hush falls over the room.  ❜ ❛  isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing?  ❜ ❛  it was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends.  ❜ ❛  aw, she’s ugly!  ❜ ❛  wouldn’t you give like a million dollars to see that wedding video?  ❜ ❛  ‘cause you know how you lie to your parents?  ❜ ❛  what? huh? what? when? when?  ❜ ❛  let’s see, what problems can we solve?  ❜ ❛  that’s not how you talk.  ❜ ❛  let’s change it to trick ___.  ❜ ❛  it’s like having a baby that’s also a grandma.  ❜ ❛  oh, the things i have seen, you cocksucker.  ❜ ❛  ___  is my best friend in the world, i give her a million kisses a day.  ❜ ❛  you are no longer the alpha of the house.  ❜ ❛  look upon your sovereign,  ___,  and  tremble!  ❜ ❛  it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash.  ❜ ❛  i love real estate agents. i mean, they are the true heroes.  ❜ ❛  it was like hanging out with my mom.  ❜ ❛  they always have that ‘fun mom’ energy.  ❜ ❛  so, there’s no toilets.  ❜ ❛  well yeah, that’s how all of life works.  ❜ ❛  this is an on - fire garbage can.  ❜ ❛  this is an on - fire garbage can. could be a nursery.  ❜ ❛  sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all.  ❜ ❛  you’re never too young to learn our national no - snitching policy.  ❜ ❛  fell deadly silent, is what they all did.  ❜ ❛  no one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 - year old weirdo.  ❜ ❛  i had no supervision when i was a kid.  ❜ ❛  i grew up before children were special.  ❜ ❛  i’m so horny and angry all the time.  ❜ ❛  and i have no outlet for it, so…  eggs.  ❜ ❛  i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian.  ❜ ❛  you can imagine the kind of stress that i’m under.  ❜ ❛  i’m telling you three weeks in advance.  ❜ ❛  that’s exactly what you won’t ask.  ❜ ❛  and then, he ordered one black coffee for himself, and kept driving.  ❜ ❛  in retrospect, that’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen in my life.  ❜ ❛  what do you do to afford v-necks, ___?  ❜ ❛  ah, numbers. the letters of math.  ❜ ❛  no one look at me or i’ll kill myself.  ❜ ❛  thank you, no one will ever see me again!  ❜ ❛  who could she have been talking to?  ❜ ❛  i need you to believe me.  ❜ ❛  one feels like a duck when one is splashing around in all this wet!  ❜ ❛  i think about that every goddamn day.  ❜ ❛  that’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know?  ❜ ❛  eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.  ❜ ❛  a very upsetting thing to hear, yes?  ❜ ❛  if you eat ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs.  ❜ ❛  one black coffee. same motherfucker.  ❜ ❛  my feet were not on the ground.  ❜ ❛  he never forgets a bitch, ever.  ❜ ❛  then it is revealed that she has NO hand.  ❜ ❛  you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclaire.  ❜

[withhclding]

( @cheertm· )

          TORRANCE’S FACE FALLS A LITTLE BIT, BUT NO REAL SENSE of surprise follows it. if anything, the complaint is right on cue, considering she’d almost expected it from the moment she’d learned that the wedding weekend she’d been DRAGGED to was to be a dry one. the cheerleader halfway cants her head toward lucille, squeezing her eyes SHUT for a moment before exhaling and forcing out a sugary grin.     ❝  well, for starters, you could try drinking WATER and see how hydration suits you. then maybe -  oh, i don’t know -  socializing ?  ❞

well, a momentary look of horror shows how she feels about THAT suggestion. that said, it’s almost been a permanent fixture since she arrived - the concern that the rule is a personal attack on the part of the bride and groom hasn’t passed her by. ❛   listen, kid. i’ve worked hard in my life for the right to toast a miserable wedding with a dry martini. water stopped cutting it when i was around fifteen...  ❜ she stops, as though some profound realisation has hit her ( it wouldn’t be a MOMENT too soon, but sadly it’s not meant to be ), and she turns her attention to the girl who, in that classy bluth style, she has quite frankly forgotten her connection to.❛  —– how old are you now ?? ❜ 

[withhclding]

[ don draper· ]

don draper is NOT one for dinner parties. or entertainment. or really, much time spent with people… at all. but it’s a necessary evil of the ADVERTISING LIFE, && don simply thanks whoever is up above that he’s a creative man, N O T an accounts man. but every now && then will come an invitation he cannot ignore - such as when the ceo of the bluth company insists don spend an evening in his home.

the last thing don expects to be greeted with, however, is a crimson-faced child && a woman who seems to be anything but a happy hostess. the hostile greeting catches him by surprise as well - if she hadn’t ended it with his name, don would have expected it to be directed at someone else.

don stands on the porch in silence for a moment, hat in his hand. he thinks of betty && her father; himself && his father; little bobby && himself. ❝i… don’t know, i can’t say i’ve done any studies on the matter.❞ he hopes his awkward smile is enough to lay a little band-aid on this tumultuous opening to their evening.

❝have… dinner plans been changed?❞

it’s a comforting smile and she notes it, with appreciation, but lucille has always been a woman fighting for comfort she’s never had, and it does little to affect her temperament. still, she forces her own response (it’s more of a grimace, interrupted by the recommencement of georgie’s cries, but there’s an attempt in it), and moves to let him pass through the doorway. ❛   well, we’re a guest down. i’m afraid neither of us seem a match for a whore from pasadena with skirts higher than eisenhower’s receding hairline. but there’s still a dinner, and you’re here, so plans might as well continue.  ❜

she leads him through, pausing as she catches sight of herself passing a mirror and sees a mother - not a woman, not sophistication, just every hair out of place. fuck. she needs a drink - or a smoke, or both, but the drinks cabinet is closer, and its there she leads him to.  ❛   george will be back... at some point. i think he expects us to wait for him. but the thing i’m sure you know about he, or you’ll learn, or... - can i make you a martini ?? - is that he charms you until something better comes along, and expects you to still be there at the end of it all. but my husband doesn’t know me very well. he doesn’t think i’ve got the brain to figure out what’s going on, thinks i’m happy to sit here waiting with satan’s son screaming in my ears. but i’m not that patient little lady, huh?  ❜ 

she sips from her drink and finally eyes him, as though it gives her monologue some kind of meaning. ❛   you can understand me, can’t you, mr. draper? we’re kindred spirits, we must be. you don’t strike me as a man who takes what he’s given lying down.   ❜

[withhclding]

[ malia ]

“ look, lady, I don’t know what you mean… so can you explain it, less old people talk. “ 

❛   don’t give me THAT, cookie. it’s regular people talk. ❜ but the inexplicable has happened, and the formidable lucille bluth has a soft spot for malia. she wouldn’t explain herself for just anyone...  ❛   five years in jail. it’s a... misunderstanding, of course, but one i’d rather avoid. ❜

[withhclding]

it’s a dinner george has promised her for months. that’s long enough for lucille to fashion a mental image of him as the modern man - the man she pictured george to be, before he walked her down the aisle and the sophistication gave way to idiocy. no. don draper is the real modern man.  AND THIS IS THE MODERN WOMAN !!  the perfect match. at least, that is what she is determined to say to her dinner guest, as indisputably as a billboard advertisement, like she has it all written above her in bold letters - the lies that lead to the conclusion. LUCILLE BLUTH HAS IT ALL - THE PERFECT HOME, THE SUCCESSFUL HUSBAND, THE BEAUTIFUL CHILD. STOP LOOKING, AMERICA - YOU’VE FOUND HER! 

the image falls apart before she can really dress up in it. that’s the thing she’s learning about these rich families ( or her’s, at least ) : the veneer is a luxury for outsiders, and once you cross the threshold, or take that coveted bluth name, your own privilege is to try and exist in the anarchy of what you value most. her son won’t stop screaming. neither will her husband, she suspects, held up at the office by his secretary rather than his work ( he takes her for a fool, but it’s his tragedy, not hers ), but she’s not as unsettled by the elder george as she is by the younger. she caught motherhood like it’s a disease, &&. now, aware of its symptoms, there’s little left to do except to express her nurtured fury to a world who told her that this, THIS, is the pinnacle of a woman’s life. she loves her son, even if she doesn’t particularly like him yet. as she rocks him carefully she mutters some fucking dinner party in an oddly soothing tone, and spends the next few moments fretting that his first word might be ‘fuck’.

don draper will not be met at the door by the ‘modern woman’, not tonight, because LUCILLE BLUTH IS A CASE UNTO HER OWN!  a woman who, achieving that ideal of wife and mother, has found herself suited to be neither. her greeting instead is simple, lacking in charm and overflowing in bite. ❛   —–  are all children as UNBEARABLE as their fathers are, mr. draper ??     ❜ 

 ( @draperesque )

[withhclding]

‘so there is a particular person you’re not having sex with?’ lmao

WHAT A QUESTION !! it's not that she's chaste in the slightest, just that the universe seems to be conspiring to push her in that direction. some hundred years into their marriage, lucille had placed ‘sex with george’ on a ‘to-do’ list, somewhere between ‘file tax returns’ and ‘get a divorce’ and all those other things eternity doesn’t seem to give enough time for. it’s popular parlance now. long before lucille became a woman too FORMIDABLE to be the subject of gossip, the question stopped being  ‘are the bluths having sex?’ and became ‘who are the bluths having sex with if they aren’t having sex with each other ?? ’. endora poses a new challenge to her ( as always !! ) and her response falters in its regular immediacy. 

❛    —–  do you want the full list ??  ❜  she responds eventually, almost with bite. ❛    or the highlights?   ❜

( @motherwitch | fleabag starters ( accepting !! ) )

[withhclding]

here’s a candy bar. NO. i’m withholding it. look at me, GETTING OFF.

( INDEPENDENT LUCILLE BLUTH | WRITTEN BY SYLVIE )

[withhclding]

Character Interview / Headcanons

BASICS  !

NAME : lucille ann bluth

NICKNAME : lucy ( to childhood family )

AGE : 60+ ( verse-dependent )

SPECIES : human

PERSONAL  !

MORALITY : chaotic neutral

RELIGION : jewish, non-practicing

SINS : greed / gluttony / sloth / lust / pride / envy / wrath

VIRTUES : chastity / charity / diligence / humility / kindness / patience / justice ( i guess? does she even know what a virtue is ?? )

KNOWN LANGUAGES : english, french, a little welsh from childhood.

SECRETS : ?? literally everything ?? this woman has not been honest about a single thing in her entire life ?? 

PHYSICAL  !

BUILD : scrawny / bony / slender / fit / athletic / curvy / herculean / pudgy / average .

HEIGHT : 5′8″

SCARS  /  BIRTHMARKS : n/a.

ABILITIES  /  POWERS : nothing out of the ordinary. she’s stronger than you’d think.

RESTRICTIONS : she is dangerously addicted to alcohol. i cannot stress this enough. she’s an alcoholic. she’s no longer damaging her liver because she no longer has one. a l c o h o l.

FAVORITES  

FOOD : she’s not particularly obsessed with food. if you asked her she’d probably say something really pretentious, depending on the situation.

PIZZA TOPPING : seafood.

COLOR : crimson red.

MUSIC GENRE : showtunes, jazz, anything sung by a woman in the 60s/70s.

MOVIE GENRE : golden-era musicals !! ( or any musicals, really! )

CURSE WORD : fuck. she’s obsessed with fucking.

SCENTS : rose, lemon, expensive perfume, new bed-sheets.

FUN STUFF  !

BOTTOM OR TOP :  oh, she’s the toppiest top to ever top.

SINGS IN THE SHOWER : literally always. if she’s not singing then she’s not showering. even at 5am.

LIKES PUNS : if they’re her own.

tagged by: @draperesque thank you sm !!

tagging: idk who’s done this cause i’m behind so steal it and tag meeeeeee. 

[taggedmemes]

SENTENCE MEME ⟶ FLEABAG / 2.02 always feel free to tweak the sentence to fit your muse.

‘give my regards to those budgies.’

‘i thought you’d be in prison by now.’

‘i keep trying, but they just won’t have me.’

‘i’m sorry about your eye.’

‘i’ve told them some heroic bullshit.’

‘i’ve got no pockets.’

‘i’m going to knife the candles.’

‘he’ll understand. he’s an understanding sort.’

‘you’ve probably got a life.’

‘do you want a proper drink? i’ve got cans of G&T. from M&S.’

‘so you’re a cool priest, are you?’

‘i’m a big reader with no friends.’

‘are you a cool person?’

‘i’m a pretty normal person.’

‘i love it when he does that.’

‘oh, god. i fancy a priest.’

‘why are there so many people here?’

‘why is everyone talking to each other?’

‘what? loneliness pays.’

‘i don’t want to tell you that.’

‘i do’t want to talk about it, okay? and i never want anyone to know about it.’

‘you’re better at dealing with awful things anyway.’

‘they’re some pretty funky trainers.’

‘you know, i have six friends.’

‘to be fair, you did hit him fucking hard.’

‘i will provide you with exceptional legal advice as long as you don’t tell anyone i’m providing you with exceptional legal advice.’

‘just do whatever he says and don’t flirt with him.’

‘this the little troublemaker, then?’

‘i don’t sleep with people i work with, okay?’

‘do not, under any circumstances, apologise.’

‘they’ve definitely fucked.’

‘i don’t do that any more.’

‘what? why? are you ill?’

‘he’s surprisingly tender underneath it all.’

‘what you did in the restaurant was unforgivable.’

‘i’ve spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart.’

‘i’m very horny and your little scarf isn’t helping.’

‘it’s just never the right person.’

‘so there is a particular person you’re not having sex with?’

‘it’s the sort of relationship where one partner tells the other how to dress.’

‘just a girl with no friends and an empty heart?’

‘listen, i don’t need to be analysed.’

‘i want to fuck a priest.’

‘do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck god?’

‘can you fuck god?’

‘look, just please tell me how not to fuck a priest before i get arrested.’

‘i don’t think fucking a priest will make you feel as powerful as you think it will.’

‘can you just tell me what to do?’

‘you’ve already decided what you’re going to do.’

‘i don’t know how to talk to babies, sorry.’

‘i’m going to go and show her the coconuts.’

‘we have a cupcake situation over here!’

‘you do love a challenge, don’t you?’

‘i’m happy for you.’

‘i’m happy you’ve found a way to deflect from your pitiful, self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory, pawing, insidious, overwhelming mediocrity, only to finally figure out that at your very core, you are a weaky.’

‘i just wanted you to know that i’m impressed with how you just keep bouncing back.’

‘he’s going to kill someone one day.’

‘can i get that coconut back? they’re actually on hire.’

‘i’m not sure if a lot of them are even real, actually, which is a bit morally dubious.’

‘they’re just words.’

‘you can come whenever you want. i’d like you to come, if it helps.’

[withhclding]

[ endora ]

“You know I could never resist an offer like that,” she smiles. “Make it several glasses.”

❛     one of those days for you too, huh?    ❜     it’s ten thirty - what could have possibly happened already to cause such a state of dismay within the pair is a mystery. but lucille is an EXPERT at crafting minor inconveniences into excuses, and her friend is the only woman she’ll consider almost as gifted in that talent. she quickly conjures up three glasses each:     ❛     to start.     ❜

[snorricam-moved]

Yes, this is his family. So why is Michael so happy? Because he’s decided to never speak to these people again.

[withhclding]

PLOTTING CALL: these are so lazy i’m sorry but i love you all so like,,, hit the ♡ if you wanna plot something more substantial !!

[withhclding]

❛      —–    you’re telling me there’s no alcohol? what the hell are we supposed to do for two days ??    ❜

( @cheertm | ♡ )