The Magic Kitchen

been doing this job over a decade now, seen some wild shit

[wizard-line-cook]

Double, double toil and trouble

Fire burn and cauldron bubble

This couplet from the witches’ chant in Macbeth is actually a serviceable soup spell. Keeps a pot simmering as long as you keep singing to it. I usually just do a shanty of what I’m making. One of the other cooks does diss raps. The soup just likes being sung to.

[wizard-line-cook]

*clasping hands together *

warmth, lifeblood, heat of a pumping heart

* hands moving apart *

spark, fire, furnace breath, engine thumping

* hands wide *

brick and stone, wood and coal, spirits of the kiln hold my fire!

That’s good for a stable flame portal, then you get a pair of bakers to toss dough back and forth through it. Not easy to do, but we just got an awesome flame mage, and the bakers have been casting Stone Hands and practicing their juggling

[wizard-line-cook]

When you work in magical fine dining every so often you see someone attempt some pretty questionable things.

This morning’s phoenix egg omelette experiment did not go well.

[wizard-line-cook]

I call the spirits of feast and plenty! I call the spirits of griddle and flame! By the seven hungers and the three thirsts of the belly of the world I call you! By the sacred code of franchise distribution I beg your aid! Dark lords of bread in your fiery caves, specters of sesame in your airy fields, I ask of you a bun! From the lands of grass and corn I call on the spirits of beef for two patties and a slice of cheese! Faeries of the garden realm, I beg a shred of lettuce, and onion minced! Spirits of hearth and pantry, send me a pickle! In the name of hunger I ask you! By the will of the customer I command you!

Day 1 training at McMerlins, they teach you how to ritual cast Big Mac. Special sauce is always made in-house.

[wizard-line-cook]

Have you ever seen a fifth dimensional being eat a burger? Fuckin wild

[wizard-line-cook]

Picked up a gig in the personal kitchen of one of the military dragons. Head chef, me, and three other line cooks, plus a full time procurer. When she’s at home we do a lot of slow cooked meats with herbs, and huge bowls of simmering tea. She’s about to go out on campaign, so right now we’re smoking a whole herd’s worth of jerky and cooking with a lot of spices to build up her flames. She’ll take the head chef and procurer with her; I’m not sure what the rest of us will get up to while she’s gone.

[wizard-line-cook]

Today I’m learning gingerbread homunculi. Apparently there’s a local tradition where kids chase them around on the equinox.

[theomenroom]

when applied to drinks, "dry" means "without sugar". therefore it follows that sugary drinks can be called "wet". the meanings of the terms "hot" and "cold" when applied to drinks are obvious. thus the aspect of any drink can be determined.

for instance, green tea, freshly steeped and served without additives, is hot and dry, and therefore has an aspect of fire.

a mocha, on the other hand, while hot, is sweet, and therefore wet, and thus has an an aspect of air.

lemonade, which is wet and cold, has a water aspect.

finally, the drink which most epitomizes the earth aspect, being both cold and dry, is vodka

[gleerant]

if you ever find yourself thinking “wow I scraped the bottom of the barrel with my energy with that and came out okay!” that’s the devil talking. you did not come out okay. you borrowed energy from the future. you will repay it if you don’t rest and replenish the borrowed energy first.

[gleerant]

this one took off quickly - are you guys ok

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

WIZARD PSA: Chronomancy might be weird and confusing, but one of the few solid rules of the discipline is keep your promises. Time is a library, and you don't want to meet the librarian.

[wizard-line-cook]

We ran out of something I needed in the pantry, so I had to take the portal in the back to The Pantry. The witch that runs that place is super weird, but she always has what you need and somehow knows exactly where it is. I went there back in culinary school for the really weird ingredients—wyvern eggs and such. Now it’s just a backup for when the GM doesn’t order enough. Two weeks ago Stephanie went through the portal just for ordinary red onions.

[wizard-line-cook]

Chef just learned a time compression spell to speed up cooking, but it’s not going great. The roast chicken he attempted last night came out as an egg. Time magic is always finicky.

[wizard-line-cook]

One of the older chefs in the kitchen taught me that ‘perfect char’ spell. You need to have the taste in your mind, speak the words with firmness but not force, and clap. I haven’t gotten the clap right yet, so the best I’ve done wasn’t much better than the ‘instant burger’ spell I learned as a teen at McMerlin’s.

[wizard-line-cook]

We got a new bread mage and she’s amazing. I see her hanging out in her station chatting with the starters and shaping dough, and then the most incredible bread comes out of the oven. Aside from the yeast familiars I don’t think she’s even doing any magic, just raw dedication to the craft.

[wizard-line-cook]

Went out to visit the oldest soup in the country. It’s allegedly been simmering since the 1860s, when a farmer dropped their family’s soup stone into a well. Now they’ll let anyone who comes have a free bowl of soup, as long as you haul it up yourself. The well had just been re-blessed by a maize cleric and gave me a delicious tortilla soup.

[wizard-line-cook]

There’s a transfiguration conference in town, and the last couple of nights have been rough. Some of them think it’s funny to transform their food then send it back to the kitchen.

“This isn’t what I ordered.” Yeah no shit, I’m pretty sure you ordered steak, not—what is this?—a taxidermied raccoon?

[wizard-line-cook]

It gets crazy back here, but the front of house stories are something else. Here’s one from our bartender:

We sell this fancy cocktail made with a drop of basilisk venom. Every sip makes you freeze for a second, which isn’t for everyone but some people really like it. Anyway basilisk venom isn’t cheap so it’s the most expensive drink on the menu.

So one night these two sorcerers walk in, sit at the bar, barely acknowledge the bartender. I guess trying to impress the other guy, one of them orders “the most expensive drink on the menu.” Bartender tries to explain the drink, gets handwaved away. When this dude takes his first sip and freezes, he explodes. Started yelling at the bartender, then the manager, even threatened to summon a water elemental to pay us back for the ‘prank.’ Eventually the manager talked him down and they left, but still, what in the ethereal realms is wrong with people?

Back of house we need to negotiate with the occasional talking grease fire, but at least we don’t deal with customers

[wizard-line-cook]

Every half century or so someone claims they’ve finally found the immortal chicken spell, then inevitably the bird kicks it a few years later.

A diner I used to work at has a chicken who’s been laying eggs for 60 years now. Gorgeous bird, absolute nightmare to be around. I’ll be devastated when her longevity enchantment fails.