Scratchings and Ramblings

I wanted a place to talk to you about what's going on with me.

[wizardscratch]

About motivation and how I ain't got it

Hey, how you doing?

So I don't really know how people motivate themselves. Where do people find the effort. Like really. Does anyone else look around and think "hey, how come everyone else is doing fuckING EVERYTHING and I'm not"

I have this internal "actor" personality I'd love to get into another time, that is basically me on autopilot. The guy who speaks and takes over my body without my brain being involved. I think one of the things that drives that actor so much is that without him I really don't know what's left. I think I have a lot of issues with my identity because of that. I don't know what I actually enjoy doing. I don't have any skills or hobbies to allocate myself to. And that goes back to the effort thing. Because I can't be bothered to put the effort into learning them. But that's the thing I don't get, like I said in the begining, how does anyone. How do you start doing something that you're crap at without knowing if it'll work out. I have tried so many times to draw and paint and play guitar but I just can't handle the fact that nothing I ever produce or do is any good. And I KNOW it's only because I haven't committed myself to practicing often with these things. That it's only because I haven't put the effort in. But whenever I do try and put conscious thought into things I feel like I never get anything out of it. I assume others reach this satisfaction point after a while if dedication but that's my point, how do you keep going without even an empty promise.

I promised myself last night today I would either paint a cloud, draw a DnD character of mine or practice some guitar. All of these things relate to things I think I want to do. I want to be able to make art, I'd love to be able to play guitar. I even made them specific and non vague so I wouldn't have to think or be blocked when I came to do them. Guess how many goals I achieved? 0. I actually got my paints out, got a canvas out and then thought "man, I don't know how to do what I want. I know the end result will be shit. I know it won't be as good as I want. So why bother trying if I know it'll be bad." So instead I did.. nothing? I honestly did absolutely nothing today. And it's so fucking common for me to do that and then get into bed and be frustrated at wasting the day and not be able to sleep due to no satisfaction. So I make promises to myself for the next day, because I don't want to feel like that again. And then the next day I do.. nothing. Again and again and again.

And I think it's because I'm afraid nothing will be as good as I want in some twisted way. I want to be able to produce things on a par with my friends but I just can't even come close. It's embarrassing for me. But at the same time I have no specific thought of things being good, I don't hold myself to their standards. It's just I know what I produce I won't be proud of. I remember I used to say "expect nothing, be grateful for everything else". Maybe that's a better way to view things. On one hand it means you can't disappoint yourself, on the other it means you expect nothing from yourself so what's the point in even trying? Oh I don't know. I just have no goals. No ambition. No drive. No long term plans. No ideal outcomes. I think it doesn't help that I'm surrounded by friends who are doing things and are "inspiring" but all I ever think is it's too late for me. I always think "well if I'd started this a few years ago I'd be able to actually do it now" and then I get angry at my self and my lack of ability and skill, more than anything though my lack of effort and dedication and motivation. So I give up, or I continue and get angry and frustrated and learn nothing and don't try again for another few months. How the fuck does anyone start anything. I just get so unmotivated and unfocused and frustrated. Hey guess what, this blog is also falling under that scope. I keep going back and editing and twisting phrases and trying to make something but it all comes out so bleh. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect or at least of some quality and yet everything I do seems to be absolute shite. I have no answers for that. I think I'm just broken. Anything that has a reward that I can't get immediately I just can't seem to do. So yeah, fuck it. Bleh

[wizardscratch]

Hello

How are you?

This week has been probably one of the most chaotic and unlucky weeks of my life. I've always been able to look on the bright side of things though, and this week is no exception, because it's made me realise how fucking emotionally stunted I've grown. This as well as how much work I have to do on my mental health. It's a big challenge that I'm glad I've awakened to. That being said, I've had "awakenings" like this before and not changed or listened or really done anything. I'm more determined this time to make things work. And by make things work, I mean make me work, because that's always been my shortcoming, putting effort into these things (or, realistically, anything). So this is a big step for me. A couple of my closest and most inspirational friends have blog posts where they talk openly so I decided why can't I be like them and actually do something for once. (knightsbites.wordpress.com and rose-m-l.tumblr.com for those interested, they're much better at this than me)

That being said, I'm really not sure what to say. I never realised before this week how bad I am at talking about my feelings. I think I've often either faked how I feel, based off of an approximation of what I assume I should from those around me, or just been so distant from my own emotional state I've become disillusioned with my own internal workings and struggled on without knowing myself how I feel. I could talk about lots of thingsand thoughts and theories that always swim around my turbulent little steam train of a brain. I've got a lot that I feel would be good to get off my chest to do with my mental battles. I'm a man on the autistic spectrum who's suffered through chronic fatigue disorder for the past 7 years who does perhaps too many drugs, struggles to sleep and can never motivate myself towards improving my own life. There's a lot to work with there. But I really don't know how to start. But hey, this is just me saying hello. I'll post something properly later.

This is just a promise to myself. Because I've started now, and that's the hardest part. I'm not alright really, I'm actually really upset and tired and lost pretty much all of the time. And I don't really tell people that. In fact I've never told anyone that. In fact, I never really recognised it before this week. But I am stuck in this violent current of water whilst I desperately try to grab onto this slippery metal bar in front of me, to stop myself from being dragged away. No matter how hard I try, I can't hold on. Not for long. I try to find meaning and safety and security and some sort of thing or goal that gives me that purpose or at least just a moment of peace. But I can't. So this is me, changing my strategy, seeing if there's an alternative to this exhausting struggle.

I'm not a good writer at the best of times, and I think if I think too much about what I'm going to say it will become warped and diluted somehow. So this is going to be a lot of stream of consciousness ramble. I really wouldn't bother reading if I were you. That being said, I hope to talk to you again later about how I actually feel, what form my low periods take and maybe my highs too. That I think would be a good place to start.

Take care now x

Nathanael