i just want to die and thats okay
have you ever been in a numbing mental state for so long that the idea of happiness seems fake? like you are so used to not knowing what to feel, how to feel or even what you should feel to the point where a crack of a smile or a moment that brings you joy you immediately stop because your brains just tells you its not real or worse it’ll fade just like a wif of wind...
it makes me wonder if everyone was born to collect such memories in their system, enjoy the multiple feelings of being loved, feeling love and giving it back.
Self victimizing is something that i came to conclude and understand so i always then to want to think before i feel because idk if these feelings are real, am i victimizing myself again.. but all of the thinking either just hits me with the hard truth about myslef or it either makes me question my existence as a whole...
as being human we try to do many things that would keep us longer on our life line but have you ever felt that you’ve been here for to long, on this earth being you? that’s what i wonder all the time. its not a question of “what am i doing here?” but more of “what am i still doing here?”.. as a person and being who i am i think that my sole purpose of existing is just to assist the people that i meet along my life journey; friendship/relationship, advise, clown, a ball of sunshine, cook or even just someone for someone to shit on etc. and as of now, 25 years old i feel that i have been existing for too long. there really isn’t purpose on why im still here because i feel like i’ve done what i can as me to help other people in anyway i can and all i ever wish for is just genuinely feeling happy, just true happiness.. the type of happiness that doesn’t fall of my face the minute i catch myself feeling it, the kind of happiness that doesnt make you question whether it’s okay for you to feel. the people around me know even my mum; if i were to have just one good year in life and truly felt happy i wouldnt mind if i walked out and get hit by a bus and die.
people do say happiness is something within, its the little things in life that you appreciate but what if you are so numb to life that nothing matters anymor, not even yourself.. some may think what about the people who cares for you, love you or dont want you gone.. maybe im just too numb to understand whether how much it’ll hurt the people i left behind or not but the winning arguement always conclude that “its okay, no one cares really, just do you”
