deep thoughts from inside

[woefulwriting]

It is important to remind yourself that a man's actions are simply a reflection of himself. Nothing you ever do is deserving of disrespect. A man who does not value you is simply not the one. A man who does not chase after you will never be yours to call home. Remember to stand your ground. You are far too significant to be weighed down by the opinions of a man. You are a miracle. You are life.

self-reminder, for when I feel insignificant and small

[woefulwriting]

I try and focus on my studies. I try so hard to be consumed by the literature, the philosophy. I try my absolute best to keep him out of my mind. But at midnight, the thoughts begin. Why was I not good enough? What changed his mind? Was I too much? Too little? You know, it's crazy that after all these years, the simple rejection of a man will send me down a spiral of self-doubt. I will try my hardest to remember that I am enough. Still, I can't help but wonder: was it my fault?

Will I ever change!

[woefulwriting]

It was maddening. All consuming. I had a dream that it worked. You loved me more than I loved you. Silly, I know. But I clinged to it for months. Then you disappeared for a year. I learned to take deep breaths. Learned to bring the blood back into my veins. How to carry on without you. But you returned. And when you’re lonely you text me. But only late at night. And then you ignore me for weeks. But I sit here and wait. Every single time.

[woefulwriting]

It feels so good to be with you. Your hand on my thigh as we drive through the back roads. The way you look at me before you lean in to kiss me. The smile on your face when you play a song you think I’d like. The feeling of pure comfort. Then you ignore me for weeks and I go crazy thinking I went too far this time. Maybe I shouldn’t have replied as fast, maybe I should’ve left you hanging just a little longer. I can’t sleep most nights thinking about someone else in your passenger seat. Someone else laughing at your jokes, listening to our music. And it kills me to be this needy. But it just feels so good to be with you.

modern love story

[woefulwriting]

It’s late on a Friday night and he shoots me a text. My bedtime is 10, even on weekends when the noise and light of the city drown any attempt of a restful night. He says hello. I say hell no and try to fall asleep under the screams and laughs, the fainted stars and neon lights. I toss and tumble, and eventually my hand finds its way to my phone. I laugh over and over, about the torture he put me through and how stupid I was, how unbelievably immature and reckless I had been. I decide to reply. This turns into small talk. A ‘how’ve you been?’ followed by ‘I miss you’ and ‘I wish it had been you’. I try to laugh it off but it somehow gets to my heart. Finds its way into the wounds I worked so hard to heal. The wounds that left me awake for hours, the wounds that left me crying over and over. His words unravel my heart, remove all the wire and tape and glue I used to make it feel better. They trap me once again. This is what it means to be blinded by love.

[woefulwriting]

To be comfortable in the midst of unrequited love is one of the most discouraging feelings in the world. To be okay with being ignored, to get used to being treated less than right. It’s a nightmare that follows you for a really long time. You really are never the same again.

chronicles of a depressed being

[woefulwriting]

Fool. To believe the lies he spews at 12am. He does not mean it, I promise you. Silly. To be there for him in the dark times. He would never do the same for you, trust me. Insane. To keep coming back to him. He will never change, believe me

[woefulwriting]

My stomach turns every time I check my phone. I hope and wish and pray there is a message from him. A sign. I plead God to give me a sign. Something that proves he’s the slightest bit interested. God gives me silence. Anger bubbles inside me, I refuse to take silence as a sign. It becomes the only thing I can think about. The silence is deafening, crystal clear. He does not want me. Still, I plead God to help me, to give me a sign.

ignorance is bliss

[woefulwriting]

I haven’t found a way to forgive myself. For the way I became so accessible. For the way I jumped at the first chance to meet with him. For the way my heart jumped when he said ‘I’ll take the long way so we can talk more’. For the way I still run to him when he’s available.

[woefulwriting]

He turned my world upside down. Everything I had known and loved changed after he left. I wasn’t the same for months. I would wake up in the middle of the night because I was so used to him sending me half-assed messages at 3am while he was drunk and lonely. I forgot the short way home because I had been taking the long way to catch a glimpse of him every day after work. I cried and pleaded and broke apart on nights where I could have been out with friends, making memories. But I took a step away. I moved, got a new job, and I am much better now. When I come back to the places he frequents, I tense up but I don’t shake anymore. And that’s a step towards promise. He destroyed every aspect of my life but I am better.

new beginnings, learning new behavioral patterns.

[woefulwriting]

I just want to let go. I want to be my own person and I hate that I am consumed, yet again, by another person because I promised myself it would never happen. I let you inside me, I was so vulnerable. And I know you love me and I know that you are the one for me but I am so traumatized. I can't help but worry that you will stop loving me because I am broken. I am so alone yet so loved. I am so sad yet so loved. Why do people think love fixes everything? I am so lost, but still I am so loved.

fear of relationships

[woefulwriting]

it’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday and we are making love. he is holding me like I am the only person who has truly loved him. he focuses solely on my pleasure and I am on cloud 9 and nothing could be better in this moment. nothing could make me feel as happy as right now, except maybe my family or some really good sushi or waking up to sunlight every morning. he looks me in the eyes and truly sees me and he says I am the only one and he does everything to prove it but I don’t believe him. I don’t ever believe another man. it’s 11 o’clock on a Saturday and i cry while I leave his room because I can’t believe him.

how one boy ruined love for me

[woefulwriting]

I am in complete agony and he comes to my rescue. It is a Friday afternoon and I smile because he always knows when to reach out. I am in complete agony and he kisses me and my mind explodes, a supernova takes place when his hands wander my body. But, he leaves. And the next time I am sad, he does not come. I wait by the window, look out to the stars. I am in complete agony and all alone. But I guess that's what I deserve for relying on lovers to fix me.

make me feel better

[woefulwriting]

The first time we kissed, galaxies collided, I’m sure of it. A supernova of emotions ran through my veins and I was in need of more. The last time we kissed, the Sun said goodbye to the moon. I am so sure of it. The entire solar system was utterly devastated over our departure, I am so sure.

[woefulwriting]

A boy sits next to me in class. He is funny and writes beautifully. His paper shakes when he goes up in front of the class and my heart smiles. I see him the next night, he’s waiting for the elevator with his friends. He sees me and says hi, waving his hand and smiling. I see him again the day after that. He’s eating lunch with his friend and we make eye contact as we both smile and say hey. This is how my crush begins. And it’ll never go anywhere but I make up scenarios in my head about him. I stalk all his social media accounts. I’m always hoping I run into him again. It lasts for the whole semester, and the cycle continues with the next boy.

the story of a girl who falls in love with strangers

[woefulwriting]

I am 18 and the only boy I’ve ever loved calls me on a Sunday night. It’s been half a year since we’ve last spoken. I don’t pick the phone up. He leaves a text message saying he misses me. I think to myself “maybe he’s changed,” while I cautiously draft out a reply. We talk for hours until he finally says he wished we had worked out. My heart stops and I don’t know how to react. I am 18 and the only boy I’ve ever loved has come to me, but it’s too late. I am 18 and can finally wake up happy with myself. I am 18 and finally over the only boy I’ve ever loved.

[woefulwriting]

I opened myself up to give you my favorite pieces. I gave up every good thing about me. Now you’re gone and I’m empty, wondering how someone like you ever got the power to break my soul. I’m slowly finding parts of my self in other lovers. Under bedsheets in the morning, cold lips in the winter, calloused hands in the spring. They’re not the same pieces I once had, but it’s better than having nothing.