Word Entanglement

[wordentanglement]

I'm eating much better now but unfortunately nearly everything I eat causes me pain and distress in my upper GI track. Eating is painful. I don't want to do eat anymore. And my doctors don't give a fuck about it. It's all in my head they say. That's what they said about my neuropathy for over ten years until I was finally diagnosed by a neurologist. I didn't get treatment in time and now I'm permanently disabled. I have a GI doctor, He said I have a little bit of inflammation in my gut. I suspect I have some sort of food sensitivity but I don't know how to go about finding out what it is. My doctors aren't concerned about the inflammation. My sublingual supplements and meds are working fine, but another supplement that I'm ingesting doesn't seem to be working lately.  I've been diagnosed with malnutrition multiple times and I've been battling malnutrition for years. I'm constantly told to eat and I'll get better. And now I'm eating a lot and it's not working and I'm not getting better.

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Cognitive empathy is completely different than emotional empathy. Just because someone can feel your emotions does not mean they care about your feelings. Cognitive empathy without emotional empathy can lead to emotional manipulation. Beware of empaths. A few of them are not as nice as they first appear and some are covert narcissists that will suck the life out of you in the kindest way possible.

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How do I live under the rules and within the perceptions of those who have harmed me and from which there is no escape? How do I survive? They won. No justice. No safety for me. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. Since I was a little kid I’ve tried to be good so that I could avoid punishment. I was always a bad kid. I still keep fucking up. I keep getting punished. How can I be good? I just want to be good.

[wordentanglement]

It's My daughter’s 13th birthday today. I don't get to see her today because she at her dad's during the school week. She called me right after school before I had a chance to call her. I wished her a happy birthday and then she asked if I could pick her up at her school on Friday. My friend said she can drive so I agreed and then she puts her dad on the phone, next thing I know I'm on speaker phone with both him and his wife and they are both are yelling at me about money. I'm about 150 dollars behind in child support right now. They also gave me a hard time about not earning enough money and not working enough hours. And I totally agree with them. I'm not working as hard as I should be. I'm not making enough money. I feel like a worthless deadbeat loser. I wish I didn't fuck everything up by running away in 2014. I'm also sad that my daughter had probably witnessed all this.

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Yesterday I had a very rough time. I had to deal with my suicidal and self-destructive parts. I had to also deal with some bad memories and a lot of regret and self-hatred. It was a terrible day. I felt really alone. I felt like I had no one to talk to who understood me. I suffered the day alone. At the end of the day, I spent over an hour talking to a friend online helping him deal with his personal struggles. I like helping friends and I reach out to them as often as I can. I wish someone would do the same for me. I feel like no one really cares for me and I’m running out of reasons to not kill myself.

[wordentanglement]

If you are a victim of sexual assault, or any type of abuse I will believe you.

If they call you a liar, I will still believe you.

If you dropped the charges and take back your story, I will still believe you.

If you went to trial and they found your abuser or rapist not guilty, I will still believe you.

If you lost custody of your children to an abusive partner, I will still believe you.

if you’re a man who was raped or abused by a woman, I will believe you.

If you don’t really remember that much, I will still believe you.

If you’ve been the victim of a lifetime of unbelievable traumas, I will believe you.

If you doubt your own experiences as being bad or significant enough. I will validate you.

I also harbor many secrets that are not my own and your story is safe with me.

[wordentanglement]

Reasons I’m not in Therapy

No time. It never worked for me before. I’m afraid psych records may be used against me in family court. My psych records were used against in family court. I’m afraid they will put me in a hospital again. I’m cured. There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t deserve therapy. I don’t deserve to get better. I can handle this on my own. I hate when they push meds on me. Things aren’t bad enough yet. I don’t like to talk about my problems. I’m not going to find a therapist who understands dissociative disorders.

[wordentanglement]

I am terrible at taking care of myself. I’ve been really sick for months, After some testing, I was referred to a specialist. Thier office called twice but I ignored the call and don’t call back. My self-destructive parts don’t want me to get help. They want me to suffer and get worse. My traumatized pasts don’t want to go through any invasive testing. Other parts just want control over what happens to my body. I am worried and do wish to see the doctor, even though I hate going. I don’t have the strength to fight with myself. I've been confused, disoriented, and dissociating a lot this week. It’s me vs my fractured parts and I feel outnumbered.

[wordentanglement]

It’s been a very difficult week. I haven’t really eaten in three days and I relapsed back into self-injury. I’m gonna do my best to eat again, but I will probably keep going with the self-harm and hope it doesn't spiral out of control. As long as I keep it a secret, I don’t see how it’s problem to anyone but me. I’m not in therapy. I’m on my own with this.

[wordentanglement]

Here is how the story really goes. Prince Charming is a narcissist. He is also the reason the damsel is in distress.

[wordentanglement]

I have all these words. Usually too many words. They always come to me out of nowhere. Unexpected. Unexpected words. I don’t know where they are from. I capture them. I keep them. I place them where they need to be. Today I can’t find any words. The word I need to say.

Where are they now? I know that now is the time to speak but my heart is to honest and my mind too silent.

[wordentanglement]

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I’m going to relapse into all my unhealthy behaviors and poor coping skills.

[wordentanglement]

Generalized Anxiety vs Depression

Whenever I feel really depressed and suicidal I just think about my upcoming trip and about the fact that I have fly there and how scary flying is. Then suddenly I’m afraid to die.

[wordentanglement]

I’m pretty sure the universe has been gas-lighting me this whole time.

[wordentanglement]

If the neighbors are violent and angry, I'm violent and angry. Being an empath is curse not a blessing for me. I was in a great mood. Now I'm feeling stabby. This is why I can't leave my house. I absorb everyone's negative bullshit and it sux. I'm literately shaking right now with violent rage. If I see another meme or dumb article about what a blessing it is, or how special and awesome empaths are, or what great superpowers we have I'm gonna fucking lose it. I wasn't always like this. I have always been a highly sensitive and very empathetic, but it was never debilitating until I got ptsd a little over seven years ago. It has just gotten worse over the years. I have to work from home because the real world is too overwhelming. Going to appointments or to the store is a struggle. I haven't been to a show in five years. I don't go out anymore. I've completely isolated myself and I feel I have to isolate even more. I can't escape human misery and it’s killing me.

[wordentanglement]

The Hard Road

I think sometimes we unconsciously choose the hard road simply because it was the only offered to us in childhood and we don't know where the fuck that other road is. That being said, the hard road is often the best road. It has the lesson we need to learn and some of the very best people are on that road too and we will not meet them anywhere else.

[wordentanglement]

Whenever I scroll by an invite for a cool metal show on facebook I always r.s.v.p that I’m interested. I do this as if I’m going to ever go to a show again. I’d love to go to shows again. Metal is my life. I’ve been going to shows and festivals for years. Unfortunately my ptsd and dissociation is still terrible and going out places has become more difficult. When I’m out I feel everything around me. I feel everyone’s fear, hatred and sadness. It’s overwhelms me. If someone stands too close to me it will trigger terrible memories and feelings. If it gets to be too much I start to dissociate. Then I become confused and disoriented.

If that was just it though, I would maybe still go if I was with the right people who understand this, but that’s not the only reason. During the whole custody thing my ex slandered me. He destroyed my name. Social media was his most favorite platform to trash my name. At the time we had a at least fifty or so so mutual friends, many of whom are part of our local scene. People hate me now and some of them may want to hurt me as well. During the last court thing my ex posted something horrible about me. Someone replied back saying they wanted to come find me with a baseball bat. He told them where to find me. I just can’t deal with that kind of hatred. My ptsd makes everything worse. So no more shows for me. I will keep pretending though. Pretending to be normal. Like nothing ever happened. I don’t want people to see the sad helpless person I’ve become and I know that people don’t want to hear me complain. I stay quiet. I stay home. This is how my life is now.