wordsbeyondwords

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

You can tell me that you want me all you want but I still can’t give myself to you. If you want me, you have to want me. You have to be there with me in the moments and not just be going through the motions with someone who’s not me on your mind. I can’t be with someone who sees me as just another insignificant blur in their life. I am extraordinary and I deserve to be treated as such. So the next time you feel the need to tell me that you want me, you better make damn sure that it’s me that you want.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

I rather talk to someone for 10 minutes in person than text them all day long. I like to take showers in the late afternoon because I like the way the sun shines through the bathroom window. I love flowers and I wish I could grow them but I’m not that good. I like to sing and dance ridiculously around my house in my underwear when no one else is home. Being in the ocean makes me feel like I’m being hugged by the universe, that’s why I like going to the beach so much. I wish my eyes could take pictures like a camera so that I could share the beauty that I see with others. I love to cook, love to eat, but I don’t like having to clean up after. I feel more confident and sassy when I’m having a good hair day. I think makeup can be beautiful, but I prefer to show my natural face as much as possible. I love to cuddle and have people I care for rest their head on my chest. One day I hope to be a mother to a beautiful, healthy baby. I don’t care if it’s a boy or girl. Sometimes I wonder how happy I will be with my future husband. I think that the sky is one of the most mysterious, beautiful things in this world that people don’t take enough time to appreciate. And when my time comes, I look forward to finally finding out what actually happens when you die.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

If someone cheats on you, never blame yourself. It is not your fault. You had nothing to do with it. You cannot blame yourself for a selfish act that an insecure person commits. They didn’t care about or respect you enough to be honest to you and loyal to you. They will be a lesson learned. You don’t need someone that selfish in your life who thought for a single moment that there was someone out there better than you. You are the best. And you deserve someone who knows exactly what they have when they have you.

k.r.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

TBH

To be honest, I miss you sometimes. I miss your jokes and your stories. Sometimes when I see something I think about how you would like it, or how in some weird way it reminds me of you. I’m still mad at you for what you did. You didn’t have to lie to me or let me think everything was okay when it wasn’t. I was supposed to be the one person that you didn’t lie to. I miss being around your family. I miss going riding around in your truck. I miss listening to your horrible singing and watching your weird dance moves that are so weird that they actually kind of work. Every time I see glitter all I can think about is Stacy and that’s frustrating because you’re the only one who would get the joke. I miss laying down with you and holding each other. I miss sleeping together, even though you would hit me sometimes or talk. I miss how on the days when my depression was bad you would kiss away my tears and hold me, or find some way to make me feel better.

For someone who would make the pain go away, you are honestly the one who has hurt me the most. You honestly messed me up. I don’t want to even try to be in a relationship anymore with anyone because I won’t be able to trust anyone who wants to be with me. When someone tells me that they love me I will have the hardest time believing them. When someone tells me that they will be there for me I’ll just be counting down the days until they decide to go. For every moment that I’m not with that someone, all I’ll be able to think about is how they might be with someone else.

I prepared myself to be in the relationship you wanted. I was all in. Then you ripped the carpet out from under me when you decided that you didn’t want it anymore, or even worse, that you never wanted it in the first place.

In the beginning, before we started going out, I was here to be your friend, and as messed up as it sounds I still want to be your friend. Even though you hurt me I still want to be there for you because I still care about you. I can’t go through my life with this constant negativity towards you because I just don’t have the energy for it. I’m not saying that I forgive you for hurting me. You are going to have to earn that forgiveness with time. I’m saying that I want us to be friends who are there for each other. I still want to be the person that you won’t lie to. I want to give you that chance, because believe me- you won’t get another.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

Going from “I do” to “I did”

“I do love you” versus “I did love you”. The difference one word can make on the impact to your heart. One will fill you with warmth. The other will leave you with a feeling of loss and wonder. Going from “I do” to “I did” is a world of pain you didn’t know you could suffer. It is a gap in your life that you are unsure you will fill. Once you move on from the ghost of I dos and accept the current I dids you will be free to live in present and have presence so that you can build yourself and continue to feel whole again. Do not allow yourself to be shackled by what you did or didn’t do in the past. Yes, the memories of before are sweet but you cannot allow yourself to forget the bitter after.  This is the now. You are not the same person you were. I know going from “I do” to “I did” can feel like you’re being dropped out of the sky and being expected to grow wings while everyone around you is watching and telling you “you’re strong. you’ll be fine.” And I know that right now it really hurts and you’re not okay. It’s okay to not be okay. And you will feel the way you do. I can’t tell you how long this will last, but nothing lasts forever. In the end I promise that things will be better. You will be better. And every day you will hurt less. Then before you know it, it will be just another “I did.”

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

I can’t wait to be old and wrinkly. Because once you’re old and at that age, you’ve already figured everything out. You get to look back on all the things you’ve done. Then you’ll look at your children and your children’s children, and turn to the person you love the most in this world and say, “We did that.”

k.r.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

Make me smile and I’ll make you laugh. Once I make you laugh, you won’t realize it at first, but you’ll fall in love with me. Then we’ll have no choice but to be together as two people who love each other.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

“I wonder...”

Sometimes we can’t help but wonder. Was it me? Was it something I said or did? Was the timing off? Did I make the right decision? If I could go back what would I have changed? Would I change it or would I leave it how it is now? Was it too soon? Am I too late? Will things change for the better or for the worst? Am I satisfied? Am I happy? Am I content with the decision I have made? Will I regret never knowing for sure? When will “I wonder” turn into “I know”?

k.r.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

Life is like a current. I will push you this way and that, and you can even try to fight it, but you will always end up in the direction/course your life was meant to take.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

I’ve had sweeter moments

Who knew a victory could be so bitter

Leave you feeling so defeated

And cheated

Oh this is some victory

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

Love me like...

Love me like each moment with me is too short. Love me like the words from my lips are forever etched in your skin. Love me like my very touch ignites something in you that burns but you don’t want it to stop. Love me like an exquisite creature that’s the rarest of its kind. Love me like you can’t get enough of me. Love me like I’m your Sunday morning. Love me like I’m the sunrise you look forward to every day. Love me like I’m the sunset you chase and can never get enough of. Love me like without me you can’t breathe. Love me like I love you. Love me. Please just love me.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

Just be there for me when I need you. Hold me and kiss away the tears if you need to. Let me feel your love course through every inch of my being. I want you to be the reason why I got this stupid smile on when I’m singing.

Fuck me gently and love me rough. Make me smile even though things are tough. Be there laying next to me when the sun rises. I want to be consumed by the love in your eyes, and I don’t want to have to question if you’re faithful. Only tell me you love me if it’s true and you are able. I say these things because I would do the same for you. Once you’re a part of me all I’ll ever want, see, and need is you.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

k.r.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

I wanted more

When I said I wanted more,

You assumed that you weren’t good enough.

You sat there and thought to yourself,

Thinking that if you didn’t give me more,

I would go out and get it

Leaving you behind.

So you beat me to the “punch line”

But my heart is not a joke.

When I said I wanted more,

I wanted more of you.

Your time,

Your love,

Your body,

Everything.

Even the very air you breathed.

I wanted to surround myself with you

And be selfish with you,

by keeping you all to myself.

I wanted you to feel,

Feel the way I felt giving myself to you.

When I said I wanted more,

We both wanted very different things.

k.r.

[wordsbeyondwords-blog]

The thought of you with anyone else honestly kills me. But I could never say that to your face because I’m supposed to be the one who’s not supposed to care, but I do.

It hurts knowing that I was just a moment in your life, the kind of moment that you’re not sure was real or your mind playing tricks on you, that you can just push out of your mind like I never existed in the first place. And yet, here I am, wondering and worrying about you all the time. Every time that I see something that reminds me of you, it reminds me of the hole in my chest that I try so hard to pretend isn’t there. I wake up in the middle of the night because I reach for you and am reminded that you don’t sleep beside me anymore. It’s hard to forget that we ever happened, and once I do for a split second word suggestion brings your name up on my phone. When I type “I love you” your name appears and I am reminded again of how you never truly loved me back. I gave you all of me, but you only gave me most of you. Then you took everything you gave me away. The idea of you giving yourself to someone else kills me because you still have me. But I could never tell you that.

I don’t want to be that girl who waits around for someone everybody else says she should be over already. But at the same time those people will never understand. It’s easier said than done. I never got any closure. Even though I want it I know that I’ll probably never get it. That fucks me up even more because while you’ve already moved on, I’m still here hoping for something that I will never get. And even though I try, I can never really accept that, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to accept that I don’t exist to you. I do exist. You’ve seen me, felt me, touched me, talked to me, fucked me, and somewhat loved me- maybe not even that. But I am real. I am a person. I am someone who meant something to you.

It’s funny how you can made me feel so special then and like nothing now.

k.r.