Poetry

I intended for this to be where I wrote poetry for everyone, but it's where I go to write to you, since I can't go to where you are.

[wordsfor3am]

And I sometimes miss those days

Where the sky was always blue and nothing could hurt me

Where the sun was always out and the air so clear

Where the days were long and nothing could stop our laughter

Where the smiles were never forced

Where the vision I had for life was oh so clear

Where the sunsets were just as gorgeous as the sunrise

But now

I'm never sure about anything anymore. Everytime I seem happy, I have doubts of if I'm doing the right things and making the right choices. I'm doubtful of if I'm surrounding myself with the right people or the right job. I'm never sure if I was just young and dumb, or if that is when I knew what I wanted. I see flaws in everyone I meet, and the only flaw I can see in you is your choice of men, and your lies you told me when you left. I'm never sure if I'm with the right person because nothing feels like what I had with you. I have this gorgeous girl I'm with, and I'm having doubts because she's not that we had. We had fights and hurt feelings. My girl now treats me right, and yet it feels wrong - in a sense.

Was I young and just dumb, or was I in touch with who I was back then and now, I don't know who I even am anymore.

[wordsfor3am]

I've finally found someone

Who will love me for who I am

And who will treat me how I deserve

And I can't get out of my head

How abusive you told me I was

And how shitty of a girl I was to you

How am I ever supposed to find love

If I constantly hear in my mind how much of a fuck up I am

How am I ever supposed to give my all to someone

If I constantly think it's not what's right for anyone

How could you have fucked me up so badly

That when I finally find someone I want to be with, I still hear your negativity and your hate for me through ever word I say, through every thought I have. I just hate how fucked up I am because of you, how fucked up that I can't even give my all to this girl, because you took everything I fucking had and called it trash. Fuck you for ruining every good thought I had about myself. And fuck you for ruining every relationship I will ever have.

[wordsfor3am]

It's crazy to think

It's been one year, one month, and 22 days since you left me. I don't blame you anymore, or him for that matter. I wouldn't have wanted to stay with me if I were you either. I AM abusive, I AM manipulative, I AM an asshole. You didn't deserve me. But I feel myself growing each and every day, and I think most of that anger I used to have was because you controlled me, and every aspect of my life. You told me if I could or couldn't see someone, and you told me if I could or couldn't be somewhere with you or without you. I learned that from you. Now I'm trying to find someone to take over my life like you did because I don't want my life. I've come to peace with dying, and I'm ready. If I died on my way home tonight I wouldn't be sad, and I doubt you would be either. If I died, would you think of me, and the fun times we had, laying in each other's arms til we fell asleep. Would you think of me, as you see him laugh at your jokes that I would've died for. I hope he keeps you happy, cause I sure as hell couldn't. You did for me. You used to, that is. Now what do I do..

[wordsfor3am]

I'm so tired

Of thinking about you when you don't give me the time of day

I'm so tired

Of thinking about you when I just want to get away

I'm so tired

Of being in this god damn town with nothing to show for it

I'm so tired

Of being in this depressed ass mood all the time

I'm so tired

Of not wanting to be alive

[wordsfor3am]

It's been a year

Since you left

And I've cried countless tears

It's been a year

Since you hurt me the worst way

And I've never truly healed

It's been a year

Since you decided you were done with me

Maybe more, if I'm not wrong

It's been a year

since my plan to give you my whole world

My whole life.

A fucking year

It's been a year

since you started fucking him

Using slurs with my name

But even better than that

It's been 5 months

You've "officially" been with him

It's been 5 months

And he has decided to claim you

It's been 5 months

And you have never even lived with him

It's been 5 months

And all it took was a shiny ring to make you his.

It's been 5 months

And you told me you weren't truly happy

Finally getting what you "deserve"

But I have a theory.

Your mom is emotionally abusive,

We can both agree to that.

Nice most of the time, but not always.

I feel like you find comfort in that.

Sometimes abusive, sometimes nice.

That's why you said yes.

I just wish you the best in your marriage, quite frankly you deserve better and I hope it doesn't last, but I hope you are happy, nevertheless.

[wordsfor3am]

How is it so easy

For you to not think about me

For you to be with someone so awful to you

For you to live with those sad eyes and just "deal with it"

For you to still be in this town with all of your potential

For you to feel so stuck and not do anything about it

For you to spend all your free time wasting your life - with him

For you to just leave and not turn back

When all I'm trying to do is get you off my mind

Trying to forget how you made me feel, or rather get over it

Trying to move on and having you in my mind

Everytime I see you, I get filled with anger

That I cant talk to you, or see how you are doing

That I can't even look at you without hating myself

That I can't think about your name without my throat catching

I miss you. Plain and simple. I hate that you aren't using your full potential and you are letting that asshole walk all over you, and use you. I hope you get farther in life than you are right now. I hope you leave this town and get your shit done, start a nice family, and use your full potential. You're a smart girl, and I hope you use that.

[wordsfor3am]

It's irony at it's finest

You would get mad at me, and call it stupid, the cuts on my thighs, and yet here you are, "self-destruct at any moment."

You would get upset as I told you I wasn't happy and didn't know why, and yet here you are, depressed that you left me.

You would always get mad when I would give my attention to my friends, and yet you can't ever get his.

You left the best thing you had, the person who would chase you through hell and back, to chase someone who won't even give you the time of day.

You would never want anything to do with my touch, and now that's all you can think about from him.

You are depressed now, when you called my depression sickening when we were together.

You told me not to worry about him, and fucked him 4 days later.

You can't stay sober long enough to miss me

It's ironic because you fell so fast for him, yet are still thinking of me.

It's ironic because you asked for all of the pain you are feeling. And I know how you love the pain.

You always did, darling.

[wordsfor3am]

I told you so

You said you'd never leave

You said I'd get tired first

You said we'd go together for the rest of our lives

You said I was your one

You said I was your only

You said we'd get married

You said we'd have kids

You said a lot of shit

I said you'd leave first

And all I have to say now

Is I told you so

[wordsfor3am]

While I was sleeping

You grabbed your coat and your keys, and looked at the door. I cant pretend to know what you thought, or when you stopped wanting me, cause last I checked I was all you wanted. I guess I became too much for you and you found someone else. All I can think about is how worried I am as to if you are safe. Its not my worry anymore I presume, but that won’t stop me.

When I woke up and saw the empty bed you left me in, all I could think was “I told you so”

I wont go looking for you, but the light will always be on, and the door will be unlocked for you. Come home if you feel the need to.

[wordsfor3am]

And i guess i fear for the future.

When people say you shouldn’t fear anything, especially something you cant control, that just makes me more anxious. That makes me more worried, because i am afraid that what i want isn’t what i have. Or maybe, what i have is exactly what i want, but its not meant to be. Im afraid life wont be as pleasant for me. Of course i will make it, but maybe it wont be anything like id ever want. What if it all just burns to the ground, and i have nothing to remind me how to be happy. No token of remembrance, or way to get out, back to that happiness. What if it all leaves me in a flash, and i am left with nothing; no motive, no love, no life to live. Will i be happy with my work, or will that be a disappointment as well?

I fear the future for what i will bring to it.

[wordsfor3am]

We were a puzzle,

Put together by a little kid too excited for his own good. Didn’t know the difference between two perfect pieces and two holes. Stuck them all together; they looked like a good match. Little did he know he was wrong. Didn’t know till the end of the puzzle, but at least he fixed it. We went our separate ways but haven’t found home yet. Two different sentence thought to be two for each other but in the wrong context. We were a sloppy puzzle put together before we knew what we wanted to be in the end. We don’t even go to the same puzzle anymore.

[wordsfor3am]

And I still think

That maybe we have a chance. I know it’s been weeks since we were there but now you’re here and I’m sorry. And I still think that the words we spoke can’t just fade away like they meant nothing. And I still think that the most important thing for us is time, to work things out and to talk But you never talk to me anymore. They know more about what we were than I do because you never see me eye to eye And I’m sorry that when I see you I just want to embrace you but it wouldn’t help you’d just run off And I’m sorry that I just miss your touch and maybe not even you, just your embrace Maybe I’m not sorry, this is how it needs to be. You and me not together, and the story ends like that. I’m sorry I get angry more than I should but you do too, don’t lie to me. I’m sorry that two and two didn’t work out for us And I’m sorry all the time you seem to have wasted will never come back It wasn’t a waste for me. It wasn’t a waste for me. It was the best thing to have happened to me. I didn’t want it to be like this or turn out this way.

Most of all, I’m sorry it turned out the way we both swore it wouldn’t.

[wordsfor3am]

And it seems to have always been

That when I text you, you never answer. It seems to have always been, that when I call, I go straight to voicemail. When I ask for your help, you’re ,now, never there, and I’m sorry that it turned out this way for you to leave me in this cold world alone. I’m sorry it has come up the way to seem that you hate me. But how can you hate me when last month we lay up in each other’s arms laughing so hard we cry, having the time of our lives. How can you hate someone who you loved so much; we’d spend hours on the phone and texting. We’d spend hours with each other; we never stopped thinking about each other. When did that change? I just noticed that your eyes never shined as bright when looking at me as they did looking behind me; at her. I noticed your touched was never as meaningful, as it was when you grabbed your jacket to leave; to see her. I noticed your kiss wasn’t as gentle when you kissed me, as it was drinking from the bottle. You faded away from me, and I saw it, but was blind because of love. To me, it was my fault. To me, I just needed to be better for you. Then you left. When I needed you most, you left me crying on the bathroom floor. Now my body lives off of more alcohol than it does food. My body cries more then it sleeps. I don’t feel right without you, and if I ever need help, I know you will never pick up. But if you ever need me, feel free to call. I’ll always be there for you.

[wordsfor3am]

And I fell in love

With the way she sleeps. I fell in love with the way she laughs. I fell in love with the way she breaths, after she laughs, or after she cries, and when she sleeps how short her breaths get. I fell in love with the way her lips part when she sleeps sick. I fell in love with her little snorts in her sleep. I fell in love with the way she fakes a smile for everyone else, but yet when she looks at me I see her face light up. I fell in love with they way she looks around to find something in her hand. I fell in love with they way she picks at her fingers when she’s not okay. I fell in love with they way she holds me, and they way I fit into her arms. I fell in love with the way she looks at the night sky, like she belongs up with the stars because she does. I fell in love with they way she loves nature, but never gets to looks at it. I fell in love with her eyes, and her smile. I fell in love with her half messed up hair, being in a slept in braid. I fell in love with the little things, but most of all, I fell in love with how she fell in love with me.

[wordsfor3am]

I've always wanted to be good enough.

Good enough to be an inspiration. Good enough to grow up and be a success. Good enough just to be someone of importance. Good enough to be called when someone needed me. I’ve always been the last to be told the news. I’ve always been the last picked to try to help others. Yet I’ve always wanted to help others try to see that I can help. I’ve always wanted to be good enough just to help others.

But I’m not

[wordsfor3am]

Why is it that

That things we love hurt us the most? It’s because we love them. We care about what they are. When they aren’t in best performance, it disappoints us, and we want it to be better after we grieve for it. All of our feelings are put into this thing that we love, and it controls our emotions.

[wordsfor3am]

And as the break goes on

Here I am waiting. Waiting for a reply, waiting for the break to be over, waiting for the words I want to say to come alive, and waiting for life to happen. I didn’t think life was to be how it is. I didn’t think life was to be this hard. I didn’t think about life. I wasn’t taught to be successful. I was taught math, and science. I wasn’t taught how to be what I want to be, I was taught how to do operations that most likely wouldn’t affect my life later. I am not ready. I’m not ready to start life I wasn’t told about.