[wordsforcov]

that awful moment when you would have done anything for them. when you loved them. cared for them. wanted to be there for them. wanted to treat them right. but they never wanted you. and at the same time they never wanted you with anyone else.

[wordsforcov]

2 years of faking orgasms. and all i ended up with was a broken heart and an unplanned pregnancy because the Plan B pill didn’t work.

[wordsforcov]

i was really just an option for you. i have so many conversations that i would screenshot because just you telling me you love me would make my heart jump and i’d be so happy. but you don’t. you didn’t. you never have. and that is what is so beyond me. because i never faked it. except my orgasms. those i always faked. but my love for you? never.

[wordsforcov]

i wake up some nights to motion in front of my cameras. i still get excited that it’s you coming back. it’s usually just a bird or bug or my neighbors coming in and out. never you.

4//16//22

[wordsforcov]

i can’t even watch the same shows or movies anymore. i can’t listen to music i know you would have shown me or sent to me. i’m hurting but you’re not here. and I still wish you were.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

i miss you so much it hurts, c. so much. and i vowed i’d never let myself feel this way. when did it become this? for me. it was never this for you. but when did it become this for me? we used to be just...fwb. an occasional romp. then somehow it became more for me but not for you. but you had me going to good.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

when you told me you found someone you thought was out of your league and that’s the direction you took...it just made sense to me.

tbh it was never about the fact that i ‘stopped talking to you’. it was about the fact that you didn’t want to feel bad about abandoning someone you had told you loved more times than i can count.

it was about not wanting to feel bad about abandoning an unborn child.

but you knew all along it was never going to be. you knew as soon as you had the chance you’d jump on her and if it didn’t work out you thought you’d leave me on the backburner as back up.

you never loved me and that truly is the hard part. because i did love you.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

i never expected we’d end up together. under any circumstances, but finding out how everything went down and how you did nothing but lie to me for months. that’s what really upset me. you were never mine. you never would be.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

i just wish you’d cared as much as i did (still do).

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

i still leave my front light on for you. i still leave my door unlocked for you. i still leave a living room lamp on for you. not always. usually just the weekend. but sometimes i try to will you here with my mind. because i always think, ‘if our connection had really been that strong, you’d get those signals’. but you never show. and in the morning i’m reminded of just how broken everything is.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

i knew you were shallow. but i didn’t think you’d pick looks over love and your children. i really loved you. i would have chosen you every time.

4//15//22

[wordsforcov]

hearing your voice is all i’ve wanted for the last few days. i just miss it. i miss laughing with you. talking to you. but honest it was all a lie.

4//15//22