Words from the Journal

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Ferris Wheel

Being with you it's like Being in a ferris wheel.

You made me go up Filled with dreams and hope, Promises and kind words.

You made me almost Touch the sky.

You made me Dream about the stars. Thinking I could Touch them with you By my side.

But being with you, it's a ferris wheel.

You took the other place And forgot to tell me. You were still there but, So high I couldn't hear you, See you, feel you.

At that moment I saw That I was at the bottom.

Alone, desperate, Unloved, hurt, Broken, afraid, Lost and stuck At the same place.

And then I remembered Being with you it's like A ferris wheel.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

We both know.

Why are you being so sweet to me? Are you trying to make me fall in love again? Are you playing again with my feelings? Why are you texting me?

Every single part of me Screams, Warning me: He's danger. He's gonna break your heart- Again.

He just want your body. He doesn't want your feelings.

But every single part of me Screams, Telling me to go running To his arms again.

And we both know How this is gonna end...

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Ridiculous.

It is ridiculous to think that Things last forever: Specially with you.

It's even more ridiculous To think that you will not Make the same mistake again.

It's ridiculous to take on myself All the pain of someone else And hoping I would find in you a Shelter for a rainy day.

Thank you for going through my life, tho. And show me it's ridiculous that Even after all of that crap, I still have faith in you.

[lisacim]

I just put on This is Me from The Greatest Showman and I started crying so hard. When she says “I am brave, I am bruised…” I realized I don’t feel brave at all. I have been so absolutely terrified of making a mistake that I haven’t been living. I didn’t even wanna go to our family Halloween party this year. The day before I started crying just thinking about it, it feels like every time people talk to me they can see what a loser I am and they would never wanna be friends with someone like that. I don’t usually think like that but I’ve been so isolated and fragile the last month my brain went into a deep, dark hole of despair. I knew something was off with me mentally but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until now.

I have been embarrassed of myself. I have felt so incredibly unworthy of anyone’s time, including my own. My days pass me by so quickly and I don’t do anything for myself to follow my passions or build new friendships. I’ve been on autopilot saying “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, this is the best year of my life” because that really was true up until September. I just got so bogged down and overwhelmed by life, I lost myself in the chaos.

Today I lied in my bed and cried tears of shame and humiliation just thinking about how scared I am to live my life until something inside me snapped. Honestly that song saved me. I needed that glimmer of hope. I suddenly remembered the confident girl I used to be and I refused to lose her.

I don’t wanna be scared of the world anymore. I don’t wanna feel worse than everyone else anymore. I don’t wanna feel unworthy. I don’t wanna hate myself. I don’t wanna be embarrassed of who I am when I have done nothing wrong in being a human who makes mistakes sometimes. I am living my life and it’s time to remember that messing up is part of that! I cannot succeed until I fail! I cannot win until I lose many times! So therefore I should courageously charge down the paths I’ve been so timidly entering lately because if I stumble along the way, that just means I’m doing my duty in making mistakes and finding my way through my failures until I reach my hard-earned victories.

I will not lay down and die (metaphorically). I will not self-sabotage. I am not a bad person and it’s time to stop feeling like one.

So I’m here to remind anyone else who needs to hear it that YOU ARE OKAY THE WAY YOU ARE. We don’t need to feel bad about ourselves anymore! Make your mistakes! Put yourself out there! Roll the dice and play the game of life! Take the chances you know you wanna take and don’t worry if it hurts when you fall. To fall means you jumped. Or tripped HAHA but even then that means you were walking! The only way you can’t fall is if you’re already lying on the ground. But even then, people can still kick you when you’re down so you might as well stop avoiding the pain and at least make an adventure out of these ups and downs we can’t seem to avoid.

I love you all, I love myself and I wish us all love, peace, strength, courage and CLARITY to see how incredibly lovable we all are. Especially when we’re not trying to be.

Xoxo

- Lisa Cim

Edit: I just wanna add that I also had to write down “I give myself permission to fail. I give myself permission to mess up, make mistakes and be a full fledged human being.” I am free to screw up as many times as I want because that’s what life is about, making an effort. I am free to live my life because I set myself free. Also wanna add that it doesn’t matter what anyone says about you and it doesn’t matter how many people cheer you on or boo you from the stands. Keep trying, keep going and never ever give up.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Learn.

I need to learn that Friends come and Friends go. They don't stay forever.

I need to learn how To let people go. I keep trying to make them stay When I know, that, deep inside, They're begging to leave.

I need to learn that My heart is mine to keep. I can't share it. Specially with the Ones who loves to leave me.

I need to learn that I'm no good at being lonely But loneliness will always be A part of me.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Building.

brick by brick i watched you build your castle.

at first, i was there by your side, taking every brick and turning it into a wall.

but now, i see you in your castle...

and i realized that you only needed me to build yourself.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Love and Pain

You broke my heart Into million pieces Not because you didn't like me But because we both Like each other so much.

We fell so fast. Took all my energy, Love, patience, Smiles. Laughs.

You still like me I still like you But we can't be together

It's like we enjoy Hurting ourselves But at the end, We just want to be loved

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Meant to be

t's funny how I used to think That we were made for each other.

Like: Mac and cheese Netflix and junk food Midnight snacks when you can't sleep.

It's even funnier to think that I was the only one putting Effort on our "meant to be".

I was not surprised when you Took some time to answer, Started to avoid me, Stop answering me, Ignored me.

I just wish you said something Before making myself believe That we were made for each other.

Maybe our "meant to be" Is with somebody else. And that's okay.

[lisacim]

I just put on This is Me from The Greatest Showman and I started crying so hard. When she says “I am brave, I am bruised…” I realized I don’t feel brave at all. I have been so absolutely terrified of making a mistake that I haven’t been living. I didn’t even wanna go to our family Halloween party this year. The day before I started crying just thinking about it, it feels like every time people talk to me they can see what a loser I am and they would never wanna be friends with someone like that. I don’t usually think like that but I’ve been so isolated and fragile the last month my brain went into a deep, dark hole of despair. I knew something was off with me mentally but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until now.

I have been embarrassed of myself. I have felt so incredibly unworthy of anyone’s time, including my own. My days pass me by so quickly and I don’t do anything for myself to follow my passions or build new friendships. I’ve been on autopilot saying “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, this is the best year of my life” because that really was true up until September. I just got so bogged down and overwhelmed by life, I lost myself in the chaos.

Today I lied in my bed and cried tears of shame and humiliation just thinking about how scared I am to live my life until something inside me snapped. Honestly that song saved me. I needed that glimmer of hope. I suddenly remembered the confident girl I used to be and I refused to lose her.

I don’t wanna be scared of the world anymore. I don’t wanna feel worse than everyone else anymore. I don’t wanna feel unworthy. I don’t wanna hate myself. I don’t wanna be embarrassed of who I am when I have done nothing wrong in being a human who makes mistakes sometimes. I am living my life and it’s time to remember that messing up is part of that! I cannot succeed until I fail! I cannot win until I lose many times! So therefore I should courageously charge down the paths I’ve been so timidly entering lately because if I stumble along the way, that just means I’m doing my duty in making mistakes and finding my way through my failures until I reach my hard-earned victories.

I will not lay down and die (metaphorically). I will not self-sabotage. I am not a bad person and it’s time to stop feeling like one.

So I’m here to remind anyone else who needs to hear it that YOU ARE OKAY THE WAY YOU ARE. We don’t need to feel bad about ourselves anymore! Make your mistakes! Put yourself out there! Roll the dice and play the game of life! Take the chances you know you wanna take and don’t worry if it hurts when you fall. To fall means you jumped. Or tripped HAHA but even then that means you were walking! The only way you can’t fall is if you’re already lying on the ground. But even then, people can still kick you when you’re down so you might as well stop avoiding the pain and at least make an adventure out of these ups and downs we can’t seem to avoid.

I love you all, I love myself and I wish us all love, peace, strength, courage and CLARITY to see how incredibly lovable we all are. Especially when we’re not trying to be.

Xoxo

- Lisa Cim

Edit: I just wanna add that I also had to write down “I give myself permission to fail. I give myself permission to mess up, make mistakes and be a full fledged human being.” I am free to screw up as many times as I want because that’s what life is about, making an effort. I am free to live my life because I set myself free. Also wanna add that it doesn’t matter what anyone says about you and it doesn’t matter how many people cheer you on or boo you from the stands. Keep trying, keep going and never ever give up.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Bad Choices

When will I ever learn That the decisions my Heart takes are the worst?

Always choosing the ones That will hurt me the most Always trying to fit in To feel loved.

At the end of the day, I'm alone again, Unloved, Broken.

Trying to forget my Bad choices.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Listen

I’ve always been the one

Listening to you.

Why can’t you hear 

Me crying?

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Your effect.

Is weird that In a so short amount of time You have a real and Powerful effect on me.

When I see your name On my phone, My heart beats faster

When I see "typing..." I start thinking about What to answer.

I don't wanna fall in love With you. I don't wanna hurt myself One more time. So, please, give me a sign.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Sisters

It hurts to know 

I’m not the one you look for.

It hurts to know

You chose somebody else.

It hurts to know

That I don’t know how you’re feeling.

It hurts to remember

What we used to be.

Unbreakable bond.

Inseparable squad.

Sisters.

I hope you know that

I’ll always be here for you.

I hope you’re fine and I hope you call

Because I miss my friends

And it hurts to know

We’re not the same anymore.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

DON’T.

I'm crying for help.  You don't care. 

I try to speak. You won't listen. 

I try to move on. It keeps coming back.

I'm screaming. You don't wanna listen.

So, 

Don't tell me you miss me when you don't come talk to me. 

Don't say you care when you're too busy doing other things to really care. 

Don't tell me you love me when you don't.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Body

Every single part of me hates myself For still be thinking about you. What do you have that is so different? So special? Why did you have such a powerful effect on me? How I let all this happen? How I make you disappear when you are so close to me?

My mind is fighting a battle against my heart every single day. Even tho they're a part of my body, I feel like I'm watching it all from outside And I can't do anything to help.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Three Little Empty Words

Three words. Full of love Full of passion. Full of lie.

Like everything you said. It wasn't real, It wasn't true.

You thought it was okay To say "I love you", but At the end, it was just Three Little Empty Words.

[wordsfromthejournal-blog]

Ghost of You

Every wall Every smell Everything reminds me Of you

Every chair Every face I see the ghost of you

It hurts, it aches I can't let it go You still in my head Even tho I thought I already let you go

I know it's not worthy I know you won't care I know you're gonna hurt me But I seem to like that