A Collection of Words

poems, prose, quotes, thoughts, ideas & creativity for your pleasure, if you please.

[wordswanted]

The Goodbye Tour

In chronological order; set to the tune of Coldplay's "Fix You" and "The Scientist"; a love note to all those I have loved and all those I will love

Jesse: I set my AOL Instant Messenger notifications to "moo" any time your signed on, and I kept my computer volume on. Maybe I'd wait 2 minutes before messaging you. I loved asking you questions. What's your favorite band? Where do you want to travel? How was your day? What are you doing? How are you doing? Remember when I bought the book "Questions to Muse You"? It was a great purchase that has circulated with me and my awkward middle and high school friends. You told me you had nerves of steel so you could handle all that I put out there. You brought me peace. The time you gave me your kosher brownie during Passover was shockingly meaningful. We are so different. It's amazing our paths crossed as much as they did. With you, being is all that mattered. You reappeared a year ago. It was so fun to see you and hear your voice again. I fear your latest disappearance is permanent. And so, to follow you're lead, I will retreat. You're the one that never was. I love you and I'll miss you.

Alex: I've never felt so connected to another person. I think we could've taken on the world together. Your illness, your addiction. My illness, my addiction. With you, I thought I had all the answers. I thought we were so bonded that I could feel when something was off with you, like we existed on another plane. We don't. We can't. I was so attached. You were the one I would follow off a cliff. But I'm glad you and I are both still standing on land. Let's stop that. I love you and I'll miss you.

Nic: I thought our worlds would grow closer together as we got older. I think people call it hope. As I inched closer to you, you moved miles in another direction. Maybe to see how far I'd go. Maybe to see if I'd go. Most likely, it wasn't intentional at all. The more I know myself, the less I know you. In another dimension, you are cooking in our kitchen in France, and I am playing with the girls. In another dimension, we are kissing in the rain. In another dimension, the word search works. In another dimension, I'm not running from you or me. In another dimension, you never lose your phone. In another dimension, you brought me to Debbie's engagement party. In another dimension, we love each other at the same time, for a long time. In another dimension, we choose each other. In another dimension, we want each other. In another dimension, the connection lasts. In another dimension, we are sacred to each other. In another dimension, we are still in bed. In another bed, we are at a wine bar, laughing. In another dimension, the scars have disappeared. In another dimension, you pursue me. In another dimension, it's not this hard. You're the one. Full stop. You are forever the warmest feeling in the world. In this dimension, I love you and I'll miss you.

Evan: The messiest clean break I've ever had. The only clean break I've ever had. We haven't spoken in years. There are no circles to find both of us. Having your attention, made me feel whole (my first mistake). I never thought a pretty boy like you would want me and you did. When you ran out of steam, I was ready to shut the whole train station down. But it wouldn't have changed anything. You had conviction and knowledge that I didn't have. I'm glad you have Caitlin and Lucy. I love you and I'll miss you.

Arrion: You don't really fit here, but I'm placing Arrion circa 2017 here. Before I knew you, I looked for you wherever I went. The friendship we shared was the most delightful. Together, we were curious about the world -- excited to learn and see and do. We had a fire in our bellies that burned with the same intensity. With you, I was never alone, and I am so grateful. I loved you, and now, I welcome back a modified version of our friendship.

Joseph: Goddamn, you were a breathe of fresh air following all those who came before you. You made me smile till my face hurt. But no matter what, you were never sure of me. I'll never know. I loved you, and I'm letting go.

Brian: You were the first person with whom I saw my whole life. I saw it in this dimension, in a realistic way. I thought I couldn't move to another state to do an MBA without you. You were the type of person I thought I was meant to be with - just confused enough, just confident enough, just caring enough, just ambitious enough, just anxious enough. At the time, it felt like enough, even when I didn't. I didn't get sick of you. I wanted to see it all through. When we broke and sat among the pieces for a few months, I thought we would come out the other side. But waiting on the other side was us sitting on a bench outside of the Museum of Natural History making promises we wouldn't keep. I loved you. You left me and never looked back while I couldn't stop looking. Goodbye.

Alejandro: I loved you more once you'd left. That's never a good sign. The rose colored glasses, the hindsight, made you look far better than you were. I wish we were enough, but there was always a slight gap between what I wanted and what you wanted and between what you wanted and what I wanted. I love you and I'll miss you.

Johnathan: They say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I took your words, not your actions. It's time for me to stop pretending like I understand. I believed I could rationalize your behavior and align it with what you said, but there is no way. There is no recourse. I loved you and you left me. That's what I know. Goodbye.

Sage: There are no (more) words. I love you and goodbye.

I've held onto all of you like a boa constrictor. I've wanted to be there for all the good and bad moments. I've wanted to pull you all in close when things got tricky, chaotic, horrible, impossible, but also fantastic, amazing, out of this world.

This time, I won't be back.

Take care.

I'll let the grieving process begin.

To those that I love along this future path, thank you. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for trying. Thank you for showing up.

I'll leave you with this: many things can be true at once, but today, I'm looking for one truth and one truth only. It's me. I'm that truth.

[wordswanted]

a forgotten feeling

I miss you on some days,

mostly on Sundays.

But now I don't miss me -

like I did when I was

with you.

[wordswanted]

Savannah Says

Men in their thirties are either:

Too evolved to be married,

Already married,

Or screaming with red flags.

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Hope Wanted

“Come back to me,” She whispered as she held onto him tight, “But more importantly, come back to you,” She said louder, combating tears in her eyes.

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Impact

We say earth shattering and mean so impactful that it shatters the earth. Let me remind you, the climate crisis is earth shattering.

[wordswanted]

Who Goes Out at 9PM?

The person who knows sleep won’t be coming soon. The friend who’s always ready for festivities. The human seeking a story. The bartender just warming up for her shift. The restless teen looking for a fight. The hype woman catching her stride. The dogwalker chatting with everyone who passes by. The musician bringing the noise. The personality that just won’t quit.

[wordswanted]

Failure to Finish

She was a self-proclaimed, by design failure. And tonight her failure led to the hospital. The world was ending – overpopulation – and she thought one less person might do the trick. Down the hatch went pills and chemicals, but her mom, determined to outlive them all, had another idea when she found her daughter note in hand, laying on the ground. She drove faster than an ambulance – a modern mother’s adrenaline rush. When she got to the hospital, she yelled at the first doctor she saw and said, “she’s trying to die and you better NOT let her.” There was nothing more threatening than a strong, older woman protecting her daughter. So her self-proclaimed, by design failure of a daughter couldn’t even nail the finish. Not for lack of trying or planning. The oversight of her mother might truly be her demise.

[wordswanted]

But Someday

Someday, you will show another all the places you’ve loved, all the places you hurt, all the places that took your breath away, all the places that scared you, and all the places you wanted to be with them. Someday, you will show another all the people you’ve loved, all the people you’ve protected, all the people you’ve cared for, all the people you’ve lost, all the people you’ve danced with, all the people you’ve made memories with, and all the people who have broken and/or mended your heart and mind. But, Michelle, my friend, it doesn’t have to be today, but someday.

[wordswanted]

Dad in the Mirror

Dad says: When I look in the mirror, I see my father. When I look at my father, I see my grandfather. And this is the passage of time, the transfer of experience. Son says: That’s upsetting.

[wordswanted]

Why in such a hyper-connected world are people so hard to reach?

There is always something, someone, or somewhere better. Too many options. There is insecurity. There is uncertainty. There is dishonesty. There is fear. There is scarcity and self-preservation. There are high expectations.

[wordswanted]

Face Down

I write this in a moment of lucidity. I know it won’t last.

When I got in the car today, in the middle of a storm, I said, “I don’t have a plan anymore.” I always had a plan for life. When things went poorly, I had a plan. I knew what was possible. But then I said, “I knew I needed to come home because for the first time I had a plan for death.”

But I only knew I was going to make a plan when my body and mind woke up at 11AM, but I wouldn’t open my eyes. I kept telling myself, “once you open your eyes, you’re back in reality. It starts all over again.”

And I couldn’t start.

[wordswanted]

When the Dam Breaks

She poured it all in what she thought was an infinite basin -- the anxiety that her worriers felt, the depression that her overachievers felt, the stress that her everydays felt, the fears that her friends felt, and the joy that her lovers felt. When too much comes in all at once it must find a way out. Crack goes the glass of an ever fragile life.

[wordswanted]

Hit Me Again

When my father was growing up, he had an older brother who liked to try him out as a punching bag. To protect him, my grandmother, his mother, locked him a closet. It didn't stop until one day when my dad took a hit and began to repeat: "hit me again, hit me again, hit me again." It was a welcome invitation that stopped my uncle in his tracks. It's not as fun when someone asks for it.

[wordswanted]

Big Difference

In a room filled with people, I chose you. In an empty room, you chose me.

[wordswanted]

A Moment For Gratitude

After writing the story that I have recounted to myself and friends over and over again, I have to acknowledge that nothing I have done and continue to do would be possible without: - the love of my mother - the phone calls with my sisters - the humor of my brother - the escape to Sean's cabin - the hospitality of Mesa - the magic hour with Emma - the heartfelt words of Kirstie - the joy of Siri - the support of Merissa - the walks with David - the acceptance of Nic - the connection with Sage - the understanding of Liz - the solidarity of Nora - the wisdom of Kelly - the positivity of Will - the long distance crushes

[wordswanted]

Blink twice

you lost your job. he ended up in the hospital. and I'm still doing well. I'm still smiling. It doesn't feel wrong. It used to. You know the guilt I felt for pressing on when you couldn't, when he couldn't. I don't miss the carnival ride That we went on. It's a memory that lives time zones away from here. There is no getting worse or Getting better. There is only existence. Questions Will I slow dance again? Will I dance again? I remember what you said, Who you wanted to be. Will I hold hands again? I don't remember how your hands feel. Will I sit on the couch and watch the Good Place? I never did that, but I do it alone now. What will existence look like? What does it feel like at the end?

[wordswanted]

“I love you so much it hurts.

I said, 

it hurts to love you.”