The Goodbye Tour
In chronological order; set to the tune of Coldplay's "Fix You" and "The Scientist"; a love note to all those I have loved and all those I will love
Jesse: I set my AOL Instant Messenger notifications to "moo" any time your signed on, and I kept my computer volume on. Maybe I'd wait 2 minutes before messaging you. I loved asking you questions. What's your favorite band? Where do you want to travel? How was your day? What are you doing? How are you doing? Remember when I bought the book "Questions to Muse You"? It was a great purchase that has circulated with me and my awkward middle and high school friends. You told me you had nerves of steel so you could handle all that I put out there. You brought me peace. The time you gave me your kosher brownie during Passover was shockingly meaningful. We are so different. It's amazing our paths crossed as much as they did. With you, being is all that mattered. You reappeared a year ago. It was so fun to see you and hear your voice again. I fear your latest disappearance is permanent. And so, to follow you're lead, I will retreat. You're the one that never was. I love you and I'll miss you.
Alex: I've never felt so connected to another person. I think we could've taken on the world together. Your illness, your addiction. My illness, my addiction. With you, I thought I had all the answers. I thought we were so bonded that I could feel when something was off with you, like we existed on another plane. We don't. We can't. I was so attached. You were the one I would follow off a cliff. But I'm glad you and I are both still standing on land. Let's stop that. I love you and I'll miss you.
Nic: I thought our worlds would grow closer together as we got older. I think people call it hope. As I inched closer to you, you moved miles in another direction. Maybe to see how far I'd go. Maybe to see if I'd go. Most likely, it wasn't intentional at all. The more I know myself, the less I know you. In another dimension, you are cooking in our kitchen in France, and I am playing with the girls. In another dimension, we are kissing in the rain. In another dimension, the word search works. In another dimension, I'm not running from you or me. In another dimension, you never lose your phone. In another dimension, you brought me to Debbie's engagement party. In another dimension, we love each other at the same time, for a long time. In another dimension, we choose each other. In another dimension, we want each other. In another dimension, the connection lasts. In another dimension, we are sacred to each other. In another dimension, we are still in bed. In another bed, we are at a wine bar, laughing. In another dimension, the scars have disappeared. In another dimension, you pursue me. In another dimension, it's not this hard. You're the one. Full stop. You are forever the warmest feeling in the world. In this dimension, I love you and I'll miss you.
Evan: The messiest clean break I've ever had. The only clean break I've ever had. We haven't spoken in years. There are no circles to find both of us. Having your attention, made me feel whole (my first mistake). I never thought a pretty boy like you would want me and you did. When you ran out of steam, I was ready to shut the whole train station down. But it wouldn't have changed anything. You had conviction and knowledge that I didn't have. I'm glad you have Caitlin and Lucy. I love you and I'll miss you.
Arrion: You don't really fit here, but I'm placing Arrion circa 2017 here. Before I knew you, I looked for you wherever I went. The friendship we shared was the most delightful. Together, we were curious about the world -- excited to learn and see and do. We had a fire in our bellies that burned with the same intensity. With you, I was never alone, and I am so grateful. I loved you, and now, I welcome back a modified version of our friendship.
Joseph: Goddamn, you were a breathe of fresh air following all those who came before you. You made me smile till my face hurt. But no matter what, you were never sure of me. I'll never know. I loved you, and I'm letting go.
Brian: You were the first person with whom I saw my whole life. I saw it in this dimension, in a realistic way. I thought I couldn't move to another state to do an MBA without you. You were the type of person I thought I was meant to be with - just confused enough, just confident enough, just caring enough, just ambitious enough, just anxious enough. At the time, it felt like enough, even when I didn't. I didn't get sick of you. I wanted to see it all through. When we broke and sat among the pieces for a few months, I thought we would come out the other side. But waiting on the other side was us sitting on a bench outside of the Museum of Natural History making promises we wouldn't keep. I loved you. You left me and never looked back while I couldn't stop looking. Goodbye.
Alejandro: I loved you more once you'd left. That's never a good sign. The rose colored glasses, the hindsight, made you look far better than you were. I wish we were enough, but there was always a slight gap between what I wanted and what you wanted and between what you wanted and what I wanted. I love you and I'll miss you.
Johnathan: They say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I took your words, not your actions. It's time for me to stop pretending like I understand. I believed I could rationalize your behavior and align it with what you said, but there is no way. There is no recourse. I loved you and you left me. That's what I know. Goodbye.
Sage: There are no (more) words. I love you and goodbye.
I've held onto all of you like a boa constrictor. I've wanted to be there for all the good and bad moments. I've wanted to pull you all in close when things got tricky, chaotic, horrible, impossible, but also fantastic, amazing, out of this world.
This time, I won't be back.
Take care.
I'll let the grieving process begin.
To those that I love along this future path, thank you. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for trying. Thank you for showing up.
I'll leave you with this: many things can be true at once, but today, I'm looking for one truth and one truth only. It's me. I'm that truth.














