Anonymous Writers

my personal writings & anyone else feel free to send your own in. Everything will be completely anonymous.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Hide and Seek

I have never been good at the game of Hide & Seek 

I have mastered the art of hiding 

Feelings 

Moments 

Thoughts 

But I have yet to experience the pleasure of being found. 

For a while I thought someone would find me Curled up under the table in that dark room 

Where I’d been hiding for as long as I can remember

They would pick me up 

My two feet would touch the ground

And after a lifetime of hiding

I could breathe knowing the game was finally over.

But instead I kept waiting, 

I waited and waited 

A new heartbreak 

Each time someone walked by

Me, naive, thought they would come to my rescue.

I had gotten so accustomed to the dark

My eyes almost forgot what it felt like to see light. 

Until one day 

It finally dawned on me 

The only person to ever find me would have to be myself.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Unchained

The scars are still there

They rise up from my skin

Puckered and hot and angry

  My memories are clear

A tabula rasa

White cold and empty

  I don’t try to recall

I don’t need to remember

I know I am free

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Thank you for breaking my spirits, for you have given me strength to fly. Through my sorrows and pain come light, the light in which I had forgotten. The light in which I have been able to see the best in my self, when you couldn’t. So here’s a toast to all the sorrows I have washed away, just as I have washed you away from within me. Nothing left but memories. Memories that will fade away, just as you have faded away from my heart.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

There are times late at night where I feel weathered. Spent and empty. Tired Of what exactly? I’ve lived no life. I’m young by all accounts, my life before me. And yet on quiet nights. By myself. That doesn’t feel true. Spent and empty. Tired. Tired of a life I’ve yet to live. To lead. Drained by the possibility. The perspective. The potential potential. Wasted. So on quiet nights. In the dark. To myself. I weep. For those lost. For those yet to be. For failures in my past. And those inevitably. Confused at how. Having done so little. I feel I have spent so much. I feel the exhaustion of a life I am afraid to lead.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

My Personal Predator

Pain is a predator

     you might see it stalking you in the

   corner of your eye;

     you might think you're safe from it, that it

   will strike someone else;

     you will start to worry as it gets

   closer and closer;

Then it will look you in the eye, and that's

when you know it will attack.

                                                                            it will attack.

                    it already has.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Anyways

“Anyways...” 

Neither of us have moved but suddenly I feel miles away from him. 

His eyes have a sort of frustrated-pity look. Like he knows he’s hurting me, he knows I’m not what he wants anymore.

I miss him. I miss the completeness I felt wrapped in his arms. His smell, the warmth of his skin, the feeling of home. 

He’s looking at me now, begging with his eyes for me to leave. But I can’t move. I’m angry, I hate that he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m sad. I know that I’ve already lost him [*was he ever even mine?*].

All I want is to wrap him up and remind him of all the good we share. To press my nose to his neck and run my fingers through his hair. To comfort him. To make him feel known, and loved. To fall asleep next to him in his arms. 

I know him. I know his heart, his desires. 

“Anyways..”

He pushes me away.

He did love me once. He loved me authentically, and on his own. But now, he’s torn so strongly by words shouted into his ear by society, by expectations others have put on him.

He fears the unknown.

He fears disappointing the most important people in his life....

He doesn't realize that by pushing me away, he’s disappointing me. 

Everything within me is begging for him to open his arms and invite me into an embrace.  

I mourn our intimacy. I mourn our one-ness. I mourn our love. 

Something I fear I will never feel again. 

“I don’t want you anymore” he says as he once again utters the word “anyways..”

I’m beginning to resent that word. 

“Anyways”.

I’m beginning to resent him. 

[wordsyouwontspeak]

A Story Of Confession

Don't push me.

I'm on the edge.

Bent but not broken.

I carry on.

Always carry on.

Alone.

Yet again.

I am pushed.

Onto a tightrope.

Losing my balance.

Is just too easy.

I'll get through it.

There's an end.

I have to believe.

Or else I'll never make it.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Masks

Once a year on Halloween Kids and adults dress in costumes and masks. They have their fun pretending to be something different than they aught to be At the end of the night they head back home Costumes and masks are stored away And they return to their true selves. On these days, I did not wear a costume However a mask was always in place What makes this mask different from the rest Is its invisibility No one knows the real me The mask has become a part of me I was not born with this mask Nor was it apparent for many years I found it mid-childhood When I lost what no child should A delight in life and the abundance of energy that gives a child life An inner flame that started to shake From a lack of energy and an inner pain Eventually the flame went out A mask was dawned to hide this fact And is now a part of me It is said that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer The mask I wear is both my best friend and my worst enemy. The mask allows me to pretend I am happy To hide the fact that I have no energy To not let anyone see how alone I truly am The flip side being that no one knows the real me If I hide my real needs and feelings How are others to know how to support me? Without this mask, people will see right through me To my isolation and inner insecurities

[wordsyouwontspeak]

The Spark that Won't Die

You are an everlasting spark. I can throw water on you, smother you, and try to blow you out. But you are always there. A slow burn. All it takes is a breath, a romantic word, a memory of intense heat, or a poke from out of nowhere and that tiny tinder bursts into a spark.

I’m a blanket. I keep you comfortable, make you feel safe, create heat—but I am flame resistant. You don’t fight the constant battle of trying to put me out, as there is no danger of fire from me.

I want to fan the flames, but I can’t. I can’t because there is a firewall that I can’t breech. I’ve tried to break it down, I’ve tried to walk around it. Unfortunately this wall is one sided—there is a code that I can’t break. This I have to accept. I will. I want fire. I will risk being burned—but, I can’t risk being lit, just to be snuffed again. 

It isn’t me, it’s you. 

I love you. I wish I didn’t. I want to be there for you but I can’t risk the flareup of your spark wiping out the heat from another and keeping a true heat from forming. 

It kills me to have to pull away from you. I want so bad to show you how to love. To make you love me. But you just can’t. So I will cry, and I will hurt, and I will try to squelch the spark inside once again. 

Don’t poke it—I beg you. Don’t whisper words of false hope. Don’t tell me you miss me and you just don’t know what could be. Please stop. I’ve told you how I feel and if you keep fanning the spark, it's just reckless. I deserve more. Find a new blanket. Better yet, take a chance and throw the blanket away and light a real fire. You will get burned, life isn't worth living without flames... or is it?

[wordsyouwontspeak]

If only you knew

How do u lay next to someone every night, knowing you don’t love them? I try to find a million ways to leave but none of them ever work out. I lay here with fear not knowing what could happen, what will be next? Will I ever be happy again? The little voice in my head is screaming to be free but u can’t hear me. I lay here night after night thinking of ways to leave, but morning comes and the fear of being happy pulls me back. What would happen if I told you how I feel? Would you knock me down? Or let me go? But that’s just some questions I don’t want to know. If only u felt the way I felt it would be so easy. If only you can see ur self in my eyes maybe you wouldn’t blame me. I have so many thoughts running in my head they are starting to brake me. If only you knew

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Life And Death

Death and life are wandering through the forest death in the form of a wolf and life a young girl. Alas they meet staring into each other head on life asking the first question "why do people love me but are afraid of you" deaths reply was direct " because I'm the sad truth while you're a pleasant lie, they soon realize all they accumulated in life would be worthless, all the precious time wasted all for a small hole in the ground" life was shocked the happiness she once represented faded the look on her face was that of sincere realization. Death could feel his warm embrace around her soul "you feel it now don't you? Just like the helpless souls who pass through, life was a gift to be cherished yet they abused it inviting the seven deadly sins as guidance, now they are damned for eternity to reap the consequences." life grew shorter for she would not be the same, deaths response was not what she expected yet opened her eyes to the countless times she cherished the gift to humanity the treatment of abuse was repeated she knew things had to change, but what could she do?

[wordsyouwontspeak]

The sun rises as always,

the moon lights the sky as usual,

the Earth continues to cycle the sun;

yet somewhere things are changing.

The candles blow,

the beeping stops,

the cries of an infant in their parents' arms;

how long til the end of all?

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Before I close my eyes

Before I close my eyes

  Silence fills the air around me as I lay there motion loss, trying desperately to fall asleep.

Thoughts racing through my mind as if they have somewhere else to be.

How? Why? What if?

Is this really the life I’ve chosen to live?

Where is my knight in shining amour?

 Where is my savior?

Trying so hard to ignore this voice of self-pity and annoyance inside my mind, I see in the shadows the outline of a face that looks familiar.

Petite lines of a face I once knew, cheeks rosy, eyes closed tight, I search the face for the one thing I remember more than anything.

That smile.

The smile that could light a room and fil the hearts of a thousand.

The smile that has been lost for so long I had forgotten how it made me feel.

Before I close my eyes

Slowly drifting off I remember why I used to smile.

And only I can make that change.

Promising myself tomorrow is a new day and a chance to start over.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Love is love is love is love.

Love is love is love is love.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been with the same woman, the love of my life, for eight years. I find that when I am not with her, all I want is to be next to her. Holding her. Loving her.

But that's not all I want.

I know. You are starting to hear the Darth Vader theme song, because I am about to confess something I know I shouldn't.

There's another.        But there isn't really.

Not yet.

Not ever, hopefully.

I'm slowly, quickly, falling in love with another.

Another girl. Another reality. Another space, place, another pair of eyes and another beautiful face.

I know it's wrong, but is it?

It's not my fault, is it?

No it isn't.

But it is.

But it's not what you think.

I have never cheated, and I'd like to think I never will.

The person I am now wouldn't, but what about the person I become?

What about the man who sees this other every other day? Will he? Will I?

I'd like to think I never will.

And I will always love her. My girl. Not that girl.

My girl.

I find that lately that if I do not see her for an hour even, my heart begins to break and all I do is crave to see her.

Like a man attempting to quench his thirst in the desert?

Is that what this is? Filling a void?

I don't feel a void.

I just feel.

For two.

One more than another.

But none less than before.

Both more.

But two now, and it used to be one.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you may read this and think this is the end of a long road.

I'm sorry that you may read this and think it's the beginning of something new.

It isn't. It's just a confession. And hopefully that's all it is, and all it stays.

Love is love is love is love.

[wordsyouwontspeak]

lonely

A lonely day, a lonely night, a lonely life

Without a friend, without a partner

My world continues on

In the loneliness of my life

I wallow in the silence

Without a word of reprieve

The end draws near

My head sinks low

My throat stays its voice

No one to help everyone gone

All alone without a single grace

Surrounded by the darkness

It slowly breaths in

Closing around me

Sucking out the oxygen

I have nothing

I am nothing in this world

Cruel is this realization

That my life is forfeit to those above me

It's plain to see

I have no say for the direction taken

Closer and closer the end comes crawling

Faster and faster without remorse

Never ceasing always pursuing

I cannot run

I cannot escape the truth

I cannot escape the consequences

It has come the without delay

There is no way to leave it behind

There is nothing left

Once it comes the end has passed

Everything is over

No more can this world continue

Once more this world will end

Once more there will be nothing

Without a friend, without a partner, without love

This lonely world caves in

Under the pressure of this loneliness

With a lonely day, a lonely night, and a lonely life

[wordsyouwontspeak]

When I am gone.

When I am gone. The sun will shine brighter, The moon will always be with you every night. There will be tears, Not much, But questions to ask themselves. "How" and "why". Not any knew why they did this? Not any knew how this heart was broken. Broke which was surviving for years. My birth giver will not know the times she yelled at me. The days where I had no smile on my face The day she would call me ugly, selfish and lazy. The day where these wrists longed to be slit and bleeding the sorrows. My dad would not know how I kept my favorites to myself. How I Long to be in that black cloak holding a baton and wearing a cap! He would not know that how I saved every 10 bucks from greedy. Dad! That 10 bucks I saved helped me to eat my favourite food which I never asked from you. That 10 bucks helped me to get my favourite earrings where I admired at Bollywood. The love of my life will not know that I loved him above all. He will not know the tears he gives me every night. He will not know despite those tears bleeding, I love him with myself. The love of life! The one who saved me from drowning. He puts me back to where I came from. He gave me gifts to fill my wardrobe, But dearest where did I get your time to fill loneliness? The circle of life I lived is small.. No soul in my life will not know what happened to me, Or how they stabbed this heart. I close my eyes, Pray for the death I prayed then and now. The death will be peaceful, Because I close my eyes alone. Not in pain, I will smile and there will be happiness. I won't be a barrier to no one. You will cry reading this. Today but not the day after. You will eventually forget this soul. The soul who was there when the world was dark. The soul who always prayed for others forgetting herself. Wallowing in grief I write this not knowing where i can go. The words of what I write healed me when no friend's words healed this bleeding soul. I leave you all in happiness. For you will smile tomorrow!

[wordsyouwontspeak]

Fading

Where are you? Who are you? I no longer recognize The voice that once told me 'I love you'. Nor do I recognize The smile that once showed me 'You bring me happiness'.

Who are you? Are you there? You no longer speak words Of love, only of lust. Nor do you express to me That I am the only one You have given your attention to.

Are you there? Do you love me? Doubt and fear begin to overwhelm My every thought and emotion. For you no longer speak Of being together for eternity. Nor do you look at me As the only one you desire in life.

Where are you? Who are you? Are you there? Do you love me? The end is near, closing it. For no longer do I hold your heart. Thus, I would rather have My final waltz before departing.