Depressed As Fuck
The thing about depression and I, is that I can’t go a full day without feeling it’s presence at some point or another. (Here is where I sing out with a couple lines of Me and My Shadow, because I’ve been 80 years old since I was five.) It’s been like that for a long, long time; and I accepted this as part of my life many years ago. Which may have been a bit defeatist, but it also helped me survive. Still does, I guess.
The thing that’s helped me survive more than anything though, is being able to appreciate moments. I make jokes when I’m crying and lose myself laughing during a ridiculous conversation on even some of my worst days. I’d like to say this is thought out and part of my personal philosophy, but it’s more just how I am, how my personality deals with pain.
Despite the acceptance of depression’s role in my life, I’ve always believed tomorrow could be better. I rarely thought it actually would be better, but this faith that it could be has saved me on many, many dark days. It’s also why on #1, The Graph, there are several upturns along the way, including within the text and at the end. And also why, if I hadn’t cropped them out because I didn’t like the way they ended up, the clouds in the original of #2, The Sinkhole, have touches of silver.
These pieces aren’t meant to be about the dark side of depression, they’re meant to elicit a smile or a chuckle. Maybe you have to be morbid and twisted like I am to see it that way, but my best friends at my worst moments have always been blind optimism and humor. If I’d never learned to laugh at depression, I’m fairly certain it would have killed me by now.
