Wormwhiskey @wormwhiskey-blog - Tumblr Blog

My hobbies include Editing my life story Hiding behind metaphors And trying to convince my shadow That I’m someone worth following

Rudy Francisco, “My Honest Poem” (via larmoyante)

The peppermint oil feels like a spirit reaching in through my temples and trying to dispel the darkness

The darkness is too strong for it, but it tries

I want to melt into nothing but I keep trying to use memories to create who I am but that’s not who I am

I am not my memories I am who I am right now and that person is ever changing and deserves infinite love- why can I not give myself that love

#journal

It’s possible the universe is trying to tell me that it doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I need to be formless, accept I am everything and nothing, because I’m barely a real person at all, and that’s okay. None of us really are.

#journal

I’m imaging lost love and my throat hurts, my eyes burn, my chest sinks. I am imagining too much water drowning a plant, a plant that used to be beautiful and wild, vibrant and strong- roots now exposed, stem wilting, water trying desperately to revive it but not knowing that it’s doing more harm than good.

My heart aches, I can feel the pain trying to escape through my skin. I need to keep the pain, turn it into light, send that light to those I love. I need them to know that I am here, that everything is okay, that everything is always okay, they are loved.

#journal

My dreams literally tortured me all night. I feel so heavy, weak, sad.

#journal

I think maybe I'm withering because I am not allowed to do anything heroic to help others. I wouldn't be able to probably if the time came. The only times I've needed to just protect myself I failed. How can I protect others? I've always wanted to be a knight honestly. Ever since I was little I remember thinking about how I used to use a battle axe in my past life. Now I am a little, vulnerable, weak girl.

#journal

9-7 dream

I dreamed of being on a ship with more ships in our fleet. There were other ships attacking us and we were outnumbered. I was a girl, but I wanted to fight. A confidence grew in me, I didn't care whether I lived or died, I just needed to protect my family and people on the boat so I had to live long enough to destroy the enemy. I had a sword and some vial with liquid in it that was supposed to make me stronger and maybe even protect me. I didn't know if it worked but it was worth a try. I only remember bits and pieces after that but we sailed right next to one of the enemy ships as we bombed them, I jumped from my ship to theirs and started stabbing the soldiers, blood everywhere, killing dozens of them and then jumping back to my ship. We survived that round. I made a speech to the soldiers on my ship that we were going to fight and that we were going to win. There was no other option but to kill them all.

#journal

At a party in my dream. I was sitting, watching everything around me when I felt an intense hit to the back of my head. A girl had a large piece of wood underneath a pillow she was carrying. She had smashed it into the back of my head and smirked, insisting it was a mistake and continuing on. I knew it wasn't a mistake and my head started to swell. I could feel a huge knot taking up the entire back and side of my left side of my head. I went to find A and he was talking to this girl, apparently she was an old friend. I told him I was hurt and he said he'd help me with it later but had to stay with her since he hasn't seen her in awhile. I woke up with my chest tight and the left side of my head is still numb as I write this.

#journal

Chapter one; listening terrified me when he started talking about amnesia and not remembering. It's one of my biggest fears. I get anxiety often and feel crazy when I realize there are parts of my life I simply don't remember at all. These parts include early childhood, parts of high school, and many parts of college. Even the past three years things are foggy. I don't know how to lift the veil and it terrifies me. I want to know the whole story. This memory loss and blurriness surrounding my life makes me feel depressed, fearful, and ashamed. I went through a severe depersonalization phase and have always felt slightly depersonalized my entire life anyway. Reality has never felt very real to me and I'm so deeply saddened by it. 24 years and I still can't connect to reality, how is there still hope?

#journal

The headache is almost solid, something that creeps in through my eye sockets and floats in my brain fluid, heavy, hot, impossible to ignore. A plague that weakens my muscles and brings feelings of nausea.

I turned off the lights and made sure the water was almost scalding, stepped in and took deep breaths. I sat down as the water rushed over my head, down my back and down my chest, cupping my hands near my nose so I could breathe in the steam. I saw shadows crawling from the sliver of light under the door. They hovered in the air surrounding me but I closed my eyes and kept breathing. I was so alone. I didn't want to open my eyes again. I didn't know what I'd face if I did. I could feel the presence leave and my headache went with it. Embracing the heartache and the frustration felt less like apathy (as it usually turns into) and more like nostalgia. I remember the times that hot water and steam was the only thing that could comfort me when I'm feeling so alone I might vanish. It fills me with something that makes me feel like whatever I'm feeling is okay. It's tragic and it's sad, but it's okay.

#journal

I am confused about my own insecurities I know I am traditionally attractive and that I have a good personality but for some reason when I see someone I think is attractive or has a cool personality I get immediately jealous and feel inadequate and judge myself against them When I'm in relationships I feel this so harshly I think 'wow I am loved' and then right when someone else that might seem cool walks by I think 'wow I am nothing, like they would easily leave me for them because I'm now old news' and start thinking of what I can do to become more special or exciting in their eyes. I know it is ruining my relationship and spiking my anxiety constantly but everything I try fails me I feel helpless and bitter I don't even want to be in a relationship so I don't have to worry about it I'm hypersensitive about my looks and I used to not care, wear whatever I want, not wear makeup sometimes, little makeup most of the time, but ever since I've been like this (full face of makeup every day, changed wardrobe, working out, etc.) I've been given more attention and others praise me more. I'm seen as more special. I feel like I'm not easily going to be given up because others deem me attractive. I feel like my relationship has gone on so long despite my anxiety and depression and sexual problems because he likes being seen with me, likes that I'm pretty. But if I stop my upkeep I feel he'll leave easier. I'm so fucked up.

#journal

The depression has sunk so deeply into my bones they're starting to rot I need pills I'm not able to cope I am alone, hanging between seconds, lungs frozen between breaths. The numbness has set in and my fingers are about to stop working but I need you to know I'm unsure if I even exist anymore and I'm so sober it scares me

#journal

Spending all my time in this bed that isn't even mine makes me feel even more disconnected. I want to get out of here for awhile. Or for longer.

#journal

If you insult the one out of two people I love most in this world I will forget about all the love I had for you in literally five seconds

#journal

It's 2pm and I'm still in bed, deciding whether to get up or not. I had a prolonged anxiety attack last night from about midnight to 4:45 am. I was shaking, panicking, my mind was racing, heart beating, I couldn't stop writhing in bed. I tried desperately to think loving thoughts to myself and I took hours of deep long breaths which usually helps but it wasn't helping. I kept thinking that life cannot come back from this and I might die. I put pillows around me to pretend I was surrounded by others that love me. It did not help. I took a Valium and it did absolutely nothing which is very strange. I had a disturbing arousal going on as well which frightened me more and made me feel shameful and crazy. I still feel the affects. When I woke up I felt anxiety and did more breathing exercises. I am still feeling like I'm on eggshells. I am scared and unwell. I don't know how to remedy it.

#journal

I'm feeling a little more free I'm still in bed most of the day but my mind is wandering at the very least; I am thinking of what might stir my desires.

#journal

shinji--moon-deactivated2017123

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Rainer Maria Rilke, from “Go to the Limits of Your Longing,” trans. Joanna Macy & Anita Barrows (via arabellesicardi)

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