who knows. iāve been eating doritos for every other meal and trying to focus on the positive. iāve already cut off three inches from my hair. itās probably silly to even think about this anymore but - i regret every instance i assumed iād have more time. each moment i saidĀ āiāll see them laterā, each moment i wanted a hand to hold but didnāt want to be too overwhelming, each put-off hello text and cancelled activity. i didnāt know it would be the last time for a long time, thatās all. i would have eaten more or stayed longer or sang louder or ā¦ i donāt know. i know i was always supposed to be stewing in the moments because they could be gone - but it didnāt feel real, you know?
and i should have told you. why was i so shy. what good moment was i waiting for. i spent so long just looking at you, aching, wondering what was going on between us and if it was real or if it was made up in my head or if i should just kiss you and be done with it. we could be lying in the same bed. gently telling the other person. iāll be here until itās over or until the world ends. one and the same thing, i guess.
i didnāt know. i would have taken a better picture or smiled at each person or just. lived a little bigger, maybe. i have been doing tiny workouts on my floor thinking about all the times i skipped going to the gym. iāve been staring at the blank page of my homework thinking about how i complained about having to drag myself out of bed to get to campus. how much these things seem like luxuries now. how guilty i am for not knowing how to enjoy everything i was tasting. i know i have mental illness. i know i tried to do as best i could despite it. but i also just wishā¦ i donāt know. thatād iād been a little bit better, i guess.
origamiaround
kianamaiart
theartofmadeline
stormborns
