honestly?? no @wowshuthehellup - Tumblr Blog

Vogue Hong Kong March 2022 “Armor of Couture”

Hey where the fuck is this coming from. I'm happy with my body. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Just because it looks slightly different in photos i haven't taken doesn't mean that's unnatural. I'm getting older and putting on a little weight is extremely normal. This is not a strange thing. I love my body. I'm sexy as hell, i just don't look exactly how I want to in pictures that are extremely candid and taken in unflattering moments. I don't need to do anything to change it. I don't need to look up old photos and wonder where everything went weird. It's always been weird to see photos of ourself, just as it's weird to listen to your own voice. That's just how it is. I'm not changing and I'm not eating differently to change anything.

I'm tired I'm so tired I'm so tired. My stomach hurts and i feel like I haven't slept for months, like I've been awake in a haze for way too many hours on end

I want to go do something i know i love so bad but it feels like I'm being weighted down by a huge stone thats just pulling after me. I want to go be with the people i love but I can't fucking move.

Where the fuck is this coming from? I don't understand. Why now? (

No actually, i have to be honest. I have been working all summer in a high stress job, all the while having the play in the back of my head, feeling behind all the time, having new responsibilities put upon me (even if I did ask for them) and having no space left in my head for anything else. The premier is in two weeks and i also start a new job in two weeks. I've gotten into a relationship that's fine but I'm unsure if I'm what she's actually looking for. Or the other way around. It's so fucking hot all the time. I can't sleep well, i haven't been able to for about a year now. I need to seek help but it feels like running in circles.

I'm allowed to feel overwhelmed. I'm allowed to say no to things.

Orkar inte tänka längre. Huvudet känns för tungt. Allt händer så fort där inne att jag knappt kan registrera allt. Jag blir bara snurrig. Jag ligger och försöker sova och jag kan bara tänka på helt värdelösa saker.

Jag e så trött att vara trött hela tiden. Jag vill va glad i livet igen för fan. Just nu är det tufft. Så är det bara. Allt ser svart ut. Och det är bara nu. Men fan va dåligt allt ska va i huvudet. Vill ha kul utan att leva i helvetes domen hela tiden. Vill bara sova gott.

I hate being so fucking unsure over what will be right or wrong. The more I think about it the more i don't want to rush into anything, I want financial stability and enough free time to have enough energy to do what i love. Right now I can't even do the things i love because I'm too stressed about making the right decisions that are due for at least three months.

I think i want the financial stability to take a break for a while. Have a good work i don't feel stressed about with an okay pay. And then just do that until I'm sure. Oh fuck yeah that might just be it. Maybe i will work for a while, but idk if that will work if i can't find that kind of job.

But hey I'm working on it. I really am. I'm doing good, I'm reaching out, and i have more in store. I'm gonna make it, and that's all. I'm in no rush. Fuck that.

Ihate hate hate how things just can't add up the way i want them to. Either i have to wait half or a whole year to do something i really want, or i immediately do something i can provide myself on that will make me fucking depressed as shit. I want things to work and that's all. Is that too much to ask for? A job tht is creative, doesn't wear me out to the point of exhaustion every day i work there?

I know it's been a rough couple of days, i haven't had a single moment to myself where i could just relax, and it's getting to me hard. Somewhere, I'm happy, bc the interview went good, and it's okay tht I'm not sure yet. It wasn't a clear yes, and they might have other people in line, but it was good, i hope. I've wanted stability for so long now and I feel hopeless getting there, but I'll fucking get there. I will. I'm willing to fight for it. I'm so so so willing. Every small rejection is the rsd talking and increased anxiety just makes it worse. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna make it okay. I just need some rest for now.

Fy fan fy fan fy fan hatar att känna mig så osäker och så obekväm med var jag är och vad jag gör just nu. Att behöva distrahera mig själv varje jävla sekund för att inte tänka på att jag har så fucking dåliga framtidsutsikter. Att få hopp i en sekund och sen må så jävla dåligt sekunden det krossas. Jag vill inte jag bara vill inte. Jag vill göra vad jag älskar men denna jävla världen och tiden fanimej skiter i det fullständigt. Jag vill bara men det känns som jag inte får. Blir konstant blockerad av att folk inte vill ha mig eller att tiden inte är rätt eller vad fan ever

Känns som att folk drömmer mig för att jag inte dejtar någon men mest är det jag själv. Hatar att upptäcka saker om sig själv som många är stolta över och i sig själv önskar man bara att det försvann. Jag vill träffa någon och jag vill vara kär men det kan vara så att jag aldrig riktigt har varit det. Ta mig fan vill jag inte heller vara med någon när jag är så här jävla lost i huvudet.

En sån jävla skam!!!! Skam på mig att jag inte har några vanliga jävla framtidsutsikter och skam på mig att jag blir helt jävla deprimerad så fort jag är understimulerad. Hatar hatar hatar skammen men kan inte komma från den. Fy fan vad jag hoppas att saker löser sig och jag en dag kan skriva någon äcklig framgångshistoria så att den här perioden var värd någonting iallafall.

Tonight you just want to sleep. And you know your stomach hurts because the future is looking more and more unsure about anything, and you hate worrying about it so much. But you're also doing what you can. It's honestly not your fault. And you know if you let these thoughts stray further you'll start blaming yourself.

You're always scared of the future because the future right now is terrifying to live in. That's the in and out of it. You've had a lot of bad luck and it makes you have to just sit and wait for the longest time in your damn life. Just sitting makes you anxious and it only makes things worse. It's not productive but you don't also have to be productive all the time, you just have to be okay enough not to feel sick with worry.

Yes talking to people about sums of money that feel absolutely ridiculous is also just that. You don't want to get on those levels, no matter how much other people talk about it, you just want to live comfortably. You're not better than them for that, and they're not better than you either.

All of this doubt is all coming from someone you care about and what she has said to you. You know everything felt fine before, and it's scary because it's terrifying to have someone tell you you've not at all got things under control. I hope i do. I keep thinking about that "what if nothing works out" "what if it does" comic and i so so so bad want to believe it. I want to think I'm putting myself out there as much as I can in the state of the world, and that the future is maybe a little more clearer

Fuck man I'm so scared of the future. But I'm mostly scared because people tell me to be scared. Everyone around me my age says they've got nothing figured out but still has to toil away with the adult stuff....

I'm scared because people tell me to be scared and i get so so so so anxious and it's the source of most of my anxiety these days and i know it's coming from a caring place but i don't know how to make them stop. Making every anecdote sound like a lesson i should learn when they know damn well it's hard as hell to get a job these days, let alone get someone to answer your fucking emails.

I don't want to be scared of the future, i just want to be scared of what might happen if my money runs out. Who the FUCK cares if i start working at a cafe this summer and don't quit for seven years. Who the hell cares (my parents!!! My parents do!!!!!!)

I don't want to blame them but who the hell else is fueling this anxiety. That's just how it is

I think i have things under control right now. I think so. I want to think so and i want to be happy over my own successes without always thinking in a five year plan

I don't WANT TO FEEL BAD AND ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS. I LOVE THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I KNOW FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT MY OWN PREFORMANCE IN SESSION WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE. i have to remind myself that this is not a fkn contest and that this is for having fun and roleplaying, not mere performance!!!!!! I can't get a good fkn grade in dnd!! That's not what it's about!! Ofc it's natural to feel self conscious after having played for so long, getting compliments from way back but not getting them now, that's bc I'm playing w the same people and no one can expect anyone to just scream how much they loved my preformance specifically!!

I want to focus on the roleplay and the characters I'm playing, i want to say the things I want to play out and i don't have to put 110% into every line to make myself heard. Getting hung up on specific things said isn't gonna go anywhere, it's the entirety of it all that matters. Making up perfect scenarios in my head will not make that better, even after such a long time of not playing now.

I'm in a bit of a down grove and that's fine. I just need to remind myself of what matters to me in the game and why that makes it more enjoyable. I will not get hung up on specific players saying specific things that are not 100% good, and that's fine. They're my friends and I know they mean well, so i will try my best to do so as well.

I know I know, you are tired. Tired of the world and the circumstances everything is happening in right now. It's so hard to put your mind into it, but that's all it is. Circumstances. You've tried so many things, you've tried your best. Now you're studying something interesting but hectic and you wish there was more of an okay to hang out outside your own walls once in a while. So many more people are feeling trapped and lost right now, you know this. It's okay to feel this way. You have an approximate plan, more than you had a few months ago. It's scary so so so so scary and all you have is hope to go on. That's unfortunately how it works.

It's okay that you don't have the mental capacity to draw or write or anything else. You're not feeling super well, haven't for a month now, right? It's just hard to admit because you see the signs of your own depression but somewhere in your head it just screams inadequacy. You're not. You're tired. That's okay. You think so much all the time, of course would you want a break from your own head once in a while

Things are gonna work out. You're only 22 for fucks sake. It sounds old but it's not. It's okay.

#vent

Believe me, no matter how many times you ask me, it won't magically get better. Am I not allowed to have a break from life where everything doesn't automatically fall into place all by itself? I'm fucking trying, and it's not getting better with your questions you know the answers to and your meaningful silences, I know you're disappointed in me. And jokes on you, in some ways I am too. But at least I don't expect myself to get in on deals with billionaires in a business that everyone but me seems to think is the best idea ever. I want a happy and comfortable life where I have things to do, happy people around me and doing what I love. That's fucking it. And I can talk for so long on how I have anxiety but you don't ever ask what causes it, because you don't want to hear it's about you. No, I don't want to "re-school" myself to fit into your worldview of a happy life. I don't want to be a part of your fucking culture!! But you seem to think that if I don't want that then I'm a failure!!

Then think that! Think that for all I care, but I'm trying to get somewhere in the space I've built. Preach all you want, but I am different than you, and you're just gonna have to accept that.

#vent

Skulle inte detta va dem bra tiden? Då jag gick vidare, kom hem och livet skulle fullständigt börja klicka på plats??

Det värsta är att det känns så äckligt vuxet och samtidigt inte alls. Är jag rädd att ses som att jag misslyckats? Så klart!!! Att jag inte försökt mycket nog?? Klart som fan!!! Men jag har också försökt mer än någonsin!! Denna jävel skit karantänen satte ett fucking hack I min depression kickstartade all ångest och blockade allt jag ville göra.

Om det bara kunde vara om en sak?? Om vi hade haft någonstans att bo men inget jobb eller utbildning?? Så jävla mycket bättre det hade varit. Jag fattar att "det blir bra till slut" och "kan du inte bara göra något så länge?" ska få mig att må bättre, men när fan är det dax? Jag har velat tillbaka till Malmö så länge men fan inte till det här??

Jag hatar att flytta. Även om jag hade vetat var det var av så fucking hatar jag att flytta. Jag vill bara ha ett hem som är mitt och ingen annans. That's it. Jag har flyttat fram och tillbaka i tio år, nu när jag äntligen har lärt av mig det på två vill jag fan inte gå tillbaka till den lilla privacin jag har börjat kräva för min egen fucking hälsa.

Jag hatar att inte veta ett skit och jag hatar att veta vad det innebär. Jag fucking försöker. Kan bara en fucking sak hitta sig till ro så kan jag andas igen och inte kolla runt lägenheten 25 dagar i förväg och bli stressad att jag inte är utflyttad än.

Suppose I know now which is good enough

Still hurts to look at you. Definitely hurts to look at the two of you together.

Am I horrible to hope it doesn't last long? Maybe, probably. I mostly hope I can stay apart from you for a while, just to swallow everything. To get over it. You.

Of course I hope you're happy. Always. I have to remember that. I have to remember that as long as you're happy, that's good. Of course it hurts for me, but you don't need that. It's better one person suffering than two.

So yeah he's boring. But I think he does make you happy. I have to remember that.

I wish I could just know that the chance isn't there anymore. I hate how much I hope that I read all those tiny signs that you changed your mind. You probably haven't.

I think he's boring. And I don't think he deserves you. Maybe for saying that I don't deserve you either.

I just wish I knew. For sure. I'll see you tomorrow and you might mention it, I might hear you call him your "boyfriend" and it's gonna tear me apart but at least I'll know. At least I know to just stop thinking about you like that. To stop hoping.

It's hard to breathe thinking about you.

I'm so!!!!! So confused!!!!! I probably shouldn't be!! But it's all like I've put myself through the state of mind that no, it won't happen, it's not gonna happen because this is real life and things don't go as you always want them to go, but I fell into it again. I fell I to that goddamn trap of emotions I was starting to climb up out of. Or even see the surface. I don't know.

I just know that I wanna keep being up with you until 3 am to talk about things we passionately care about. I wanna do it again and I wanna hear all about you, about your past and future (that you know of) and I want you to hear all of mine. I'm sorry if I'm too much. I'm sorry if I don't know what to say because being around you just pulls the words out of my mouth until I'm scrambling to find anything left. You make me feel so whole, so much, and so carved out at the same time. I'm in too deep. I have to get out. I do.

At the same time I still wanna try. I still wanna know if I have even a little bit of a chance. If I'm so obvious that you know (I've fucking tried that) and you think it's better to just smooth over it until it has passed. Trust me, I know how that feels. I'm so sorry if that's the case.

I still want you. I still have my hopes up way higher than I should. I have to let myself down. I have to. I can't pull myself to do anything all day and I can't blame it on you, I know. I'll blame it on myself because it's myself who has to get out of it. That's all. I think/hope

#her

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

#her

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